CHAPTER SEVEN
Emerson
AFTER THE FUNERALS AND MY second release from hospital, I fell into a black hole. I shut everyone out; I pushed away those who cared for me. I existed solely on coffee, muffins, and wine. I holed myself up in the loft that Brian and I were going to build our future in. Some days I never got out of bed, if it wasn’t for Bella, who knows what would have happened to me. She went above and beyond the duty of best friend and in return I treated her badly.
No matter how mean or rude I was to her, she always came back and she helped me with everything. From arranging the funerals, keeping me showered and fed, to finalising all the life insurance details. Bella, with the help of Sheridan, one of the lawyers at the James Corporation, handled it all. I signed what they put in front of me, without reading any of it, Dad and Brian would be so angry at me for that, but I didn’t care. I was struggling to live without them, and as a result I was lashing out at those who had my best interests at heart.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved Bella with all my heart for her help and guidance, but at the same time I hated her for it too…she was a constant reminder of all that I had lost and that I was all alone.
My friends were at a loss as to how to help me. Rather than treat me like the old Emerson, they began treating me like a child. Like I was a fragile vase, one knock and I’d shatter into a million tiny pieces. Yes, I’d lost everyone, but I was still me. In frustration, I began to lash out at them too. Slowly, over time, one by one, they stopped visiting me. The texts came less frequently and eventually they stopped all together. And really, I didn’t blame them. I had become a horrible person to be around. I was struggling to deal with my losses. I was struggling with everything. The only people I had contact with were Bella and Elena. But by the way I was treating them, soon I was going to push them away too.
Christmas and New Year’s passed by in a blur. I could not even tell you if it snowed or not. Vaguely, I remember Bella wishing me Merry Christmas and then not seeing her for a few days. She would have gone home to her parents for Christmas, but I was so lost in my grief that I didn’t know anything.
To be honest, right now I can’t even tell you what day it is.
…Seven weeks later
One February morning, I looked out the window and noticed that the snow was melting and flowers were staring to bloom—there you go—it did snow. Staring at the trees in the distance, with my morning coffee in hand, all of a sudden, I felt antsy and out of sorts. Out of nowhere this need to get out of the loft hit me like a tonne of bricks. Quickly, I pulled on my yoga pants, Brian’s Columbia sweatshirt, tied up the laces on my Nikes and went for a run; something I hadn’t done in months. Without thinking, and on autopilot, I headed to the park, the one place that used to make me happy. I ran and I ran. I don’t know how long I ran for, but eventually, I found myself at the place where it all happened. I was standing in the spot where I’d lost everyone.
Collapsing onto my knees, I cry and I cry until I can’t cry anymore. I can still feel everyone’s presence around me, it was like they were watching over me, and for the first time since I’d lost them, I feel at peace. Standing up, I walk over to the memorial bench that the James Corporation had arranged. Vaguely I remember attending, but the last few months are bit of a blur. Taking a seat, I people watch. I watch everyone just like I used to and I find myself smiling, a real Emerson smile, not the fake one that I had mastered. I was doing something that the old me would do and it didn’t cripple me.
After people watching got boring, I walked to my favorite café and grabbed a to-go coffee. Pulling my hat down low because I didn’t want to be recognized. Thankfully, my disguise worked. With a coffee in my hand, I headed down Central Park West, and before I knew it, I was in Times Square. I walked around for hours, blending in with everyone. No one knew of the recent tragedy that had occurred. I was nobody. I was just Emerson James, not poor Emerson James who’d lost everyone.
I felt free.
I felt happiness.
I actually felt something other than grief and it was liberating.
Grabbing a pretzel from a street vendor, I walked some more. Eventually, I stopped, and stood in the middle of the sidewalk, and watched the world go by.
Sunset passed and the bright lights illuminated the night sky when on one of the billboards an ad for Nepal appeared up on the jumbo screen. A conversation that I’d previously had with Brian popped into my mind. “I want travel the world with you, Emerson. I wanna trek through Nepal, visit Machu Picchu in Peru. Sail around the Mediterranean. Island hop through the Greek isles. Visit ten European countries in sixteen days. Drink copious amounts of beer at the Oktoberfest. Rent a Mustang and drive Route 66. Festival hop through the U.S. and go to Coachella, Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, even a country music festival. I want to do it all with you, Emerson James. I want to see it all with you.”
In that moment, I decide to do it. I whisper, “Brian, I’m going to do it all.” With my mind made up, I walked into the closest travel agent and sat down in front of her. “I want to travel the world and I want to leave as soon as possible.” An hour and a half later, it was all booked: airfares, hotel reservations, transfers, tour confirmations for Nepal, Peru, and the Mediterranean. In my hot little hands was everything that I needed.
Three days later, I’m all packed and ready to go. Before jetting off, I know that I have to tell Elena and Bella—the two people that have been by my side through it all, but I am scared that they will try to talk me out of it, so I take the easy way out.
With Elena, I leave a voicemail. “Hi, Elena. It’s Emerson, Emerson James. I’m just calling to cancel all my future appointments. I’m ahh, umm, jetting off on an adventure. I’m going to travel the world and do all the things that Brian and I had talked about. I know it’s out of the blue, but since I made this decision, I feel like the old me is surfacing again. Thank you for everything, thank you for putting up with my outbursts, tears, and meltdowns. You really are a wizard. You magically gave me the confidence to do this. Now that I’ve filled your machine, I’ll say goodbye. Thank you again, Elena, for everything.”
After I hang up, I stare at my phone. I’m dreading speaking to Bella. I completely chicken out and rather than calling, I leave a note for her. I know she’ll be pissed, but if I see her I’ll cave and cancel when she tells me I’m crazy because I know this is crazy but I know this is something I need to do and I need to do it alone.
Picking up a pen, I grab a notepad and pour my heart out to Bella.
Dear Bella,
You are reading this because I made a decision, a spur of the moment decision that I knew you would talk me out of. I probably should have told you in person, but I’m a big chicken. I need to do this for me and I’m sorry to do it like this. I’m heading off on an adventure, one that I know Brian and everyone would approve of.
I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I do know that I love you like a sister.
Thank you for everything that you have done these past three months. Without you, I would have lost it—even more than I did.
Please don’t be mad. I’ll be in touch when I’m ready.
Love, Ems XoXoX
Placing the letter in an envelope, I write her name on the front and leave it with my phone on the bench in the loft. Picking up my bag, I close the loft door and head off on the trip of a lifetime. It may not be the best coping mechanism, but for the first time since I lost everyone, I feel like I have a purpose and I can’t wait for the adventure that is ahead of me.