Chapter 11
Andrea
February has come up fast, it's been a constant go for both of us this year it seems. Carter is working a lot, I'm back to school, and I've started making appointments with Alicia again. The dreams are coming more often lately, and that's a little bothersome to me. I long for the restful sleep my body craves, but it betrays me when I shut my eyes.
My first grade class is planning its Valentine’s party, so here I sit at the computer making a class list to hand out this week to my students. When I was younger, parties like this were so exciting. Picking your favorite and best valentines to give to your closest friends. Now the school frowns upon treats and things unhealthy. I’m thankful for the moms that take these head-on to help lighten my load, and the student teacher I have for the next few months.
Been visiting with poor Chantal quite a bit lately. Her belly is so big! Those babies are constantly moving and doing their internal aerobics. She's not sleeping well between Nick leaving all hours of the night when work calls and just not being able to be comfortable. Her doctors think she may go early, but either way she's got a good few months before those girls are running the show on this side.
Holly and I have gone shooting a few times and just been spending time together. I don't think she lets herself have many friends outside of work. She and her husband are still separated, and I know she's lonely. It's been a rough go for her the last four to five months. How she lost her daughter so tragically breaks my heart. Although she got to have her daughter for sixteen years and I held mine for only thirty minutes, I still feel her pain. I don't know the whole story with her husband, but I know she still loves him by the way she says his name. Her and Bobbie have some hurt to work through that each of them carry. I couldn't imagine each grieving apart rather than together.
It's nice having someone come over when Carter is working. I like being home rather than going out, and I’m glad she’s the same way. Tonight we've decided to surf Netflix and sink into our plush sectional sofa we couldn't leave Art Van without.
“How have your sessions been going?” she asks.
“Good.” I turn fully toward her and smile. “She’s helped me return to me more times than I can count the last few years. She and Carter keep me balanced when I want to sink into myself.”
“I know that feeling. I haven't let myself just sit and feel in so long. I know it isn't healthy to hold things in.”
“She's amazing, Holly. Call Alicia and see her. She can help you too. I've found a kinship with her and it's easy to open up to her,” I tell her while grabbing her hand. I give it a squeeze and a small smile.
I know she hurts, she's tough...but everyone can only be so tough for so long. “Think of what it could do for your marriage. Do you want it to work out? If so, then the time apart isn't going to make it any easier on the two of you. There’s hurt and pain and it's festering. Don't let it. Carter wouldn't let me even after all the time that passed with us apart. I'm doing the same for you. I want to see you truly happy, and I see the look on your face when you speak of him. You carry such a torch for the love and marriage you've shared for eighteen years,” I tell her, trying to relay with my eyes how she needs to hear my words.
“Way to turn movie night heavy. I know you mean well and I will really think about it. I promise,” she tells me with a big smile and reaches over to hug me. “Thank you, Andrea. You've been a friend that I never thought I needed right now. I appreciate you, girl. But let's watch some sappy shit before your man gets back and wants you back already,” she says her eyes sparkling with humor.
It's like she knows Carter so well. He doesn't share well, especially after a long day.
**********
Walking into the plush office of Alicia's, I'm welcomed with the calming eucalyptus smell she has throughout her office. Inhaling deeply, I let the calm wash over me as I sit and wait to be called.
It had been months since I'd been here before just a few short weeks ago, but so much is the same.
The neutral earth toned browns and taupe colors adorn the walls with abstract paintings displayed on a few. The plush armchairs in the lobby that no doubt calm nerves when waiting rather than the stiff chairs most offices have. I don't know what she will push through today, but she has such a calming way of just getting me to open up to her like she's a childhood friend and we are sharing secrets in the clubhouse.
The large oak door across the hall opens and Alicia steps out into the hall. A woman leaves with tissues in her hands and gives me a small smile as she walks by. Alicia looks up to see me and just gives me her calming smile, her eyes catching with mine. She motions with her arm for me to follow her and stands holding the door as I get closer. She hugs me as I enter, and I'm suddenly calmer.
There is such a natural state to her, she wears her dark hair down as it cascades around her shoulders, no makeup, and comfortable loose clothes as she tucks her bare feet under her in her large overstuffed chair. She's beautiful, and the sisterly love vibe she gives off feels like I have stepped into a yoga class rather than a therapist's office. Alicia is probably in her early thirties, but with the many diplomas adorning her walls, it's clear she's been at this a long time.
“I'm so glad to see you've returned again. I worried when I didn't see you for so long, but we've really had a great few sessions and I was hoping you would return once again. I don't expect you to ever come here if you don’t feel you need to, Andrea, please know that. But I always want you to feel this a safe sanctuary for you to come to,” she tells me with the smile in her eyes.
I sit down across the soft bohemian style rug from her and fold my hands in my lap. “I'm glad I've come too. Thank you for always making the time to see me, no matter the notice. I just feel like I need to be here right now. I don't want to lose myself again,” I tell her.
Nodding, she opens up my file that sits in her lap. “Tell me, Andrea, why do you think you're having a hard time right now. I know you touched a little on some of your fears and the dreams you've had. Let's try to analyze where they are suddenly appearing from. I think getting to the heart of it will help you tremendously on this journey.”
“The beginning of March marks Jacob’s birth and death day. I think it's weighed on my mind lately and is bringing some of the devastation back to my heart. The first anniversary last year was very hard, and it isn't going to be any easier this year. Please tell me this pain will ease some.”
“I'm proud of you for knowing what a big trigger this is for you. That most definitely is the most devastating time in your life, and understandably so. But I think if we try a different approach, it may help you heal.”
I am fearful in this moment of what she means by a different approach. My heart is already shattering just thinking of the sweet baby boy I never was able to carry to term. Trent stole that from me.
“How has Carter been with you feeling this way? Is he supportive, understanding, and comforting?”
“I haven't entirely let him in to how I'm feeling. He knows my fear of Trent’s impending and possible parole, but everything else I've kept inside. He knows me well enough to know I'm not myself,” I tell her. “But he also knows enough when I need to come and see you. I just don't want to break down again on him. It's not easy for him to see me that way. It trudges up an ugly time in our lives that we've moved so far past in the last few years.”
“Andrea, I don't need to tell you how unhealthy that is, not only for yourself, but for your relationship.”
I nod my head, disappointed in myself because I know this well. I just don't want to make things more difficult than they need to be.
“Have you talked about your future together? Having a family? Marriage?”
I can't hide the smile that lights up my whole face as I think of all the plans being made for our wedding in July. “We've set a wedding date for July 15th and I've started making plans. He's supportive and excited, but he's leaving it all to our moms and myself,” I say on a laugh. “We haven't talked about a family in years. I assume he wants those things with me still,” I tell her looking up to her at her nod.
“What is the reason you think neither of you have approached that subject in the years since you've been back together?”
Taking a breath and letting it out, I answer. “It's the heavy heart I carry still after losing my child. I know it wasn't my doing, but I fear that getting my hopes up to having one again will bring more destruction.”
She looks puzzled, her eyebrows piercing together a moment. “I'm glad you've said that out loud. It's a fear you have greatly weighing on you that isn't healthy to keep carrying. We need to get you on a track of healthy healing and communication with Carter. These are things to work through as a couple as well, Andrea. You don't need to carry this load alone.”
“I know how badly I hurt him when I was pregnant with another man’s child. I saw the hurt in his eyes and knew he wished we were sharing that together just like all of our other firsts. I need to be able to give him that. Please help me to be able to give my love everything in this world. He's already given me so much, and a love I never thought I would deserve from him again. “The tears are welling in my eyes as I look to my hands twisting in my lap.
“Can we talk about your dream some more?”
I hesitate, but nod.
“Good. Can you tell me about after? The dream is always of the accident, but you close your mind off to after the accident every time this dream occurs to you again. Why do you think that is?”
“My mind is being kind to the loss?”
“That could be, but it just may help you heal. You said you were able to spend a small window of time with your baby. Think of his face, let him help you heal Andrea. He's safe now and cannot be harmed.”
A sob escapes me at the thought of the tiny underdeveloped baby I could hold in the palm of my hand. I let my mind fall back to that day and the days that followed as I relive it all safely in Alicia's presence.
Seeing Holly’s blonde hair peek into the truck as I screamed for help, bleeding and hopeless...she gave me that. Hope. She told me to hold on and that help was on the way. Carter too, since I kept screaming for him.
The ambulance arrived and I was carefully removed from the car. As I was being pushed into the ambulance, he came- Carter. My angel of darkness coming to be my white knight.
He came to me as I cried out for him, he held my hand and didn't let go. No words were said, they didn't need to be. Carter and I could always speak wordless conversations and this was no different.
He rode with me to the hospital, and kissed my head as I was whisked away to emergency surgery. They needed to perform an emergency c-section to get Jacob out.
I was so scared, shaking and crying. I didn't know what was happening. My face and wrist hurt very little compared to my heart….I was losing my baby, I knew it.
Carter didn't leave my side even during the c-section and was the first to hold Jacob. I kept a connected eye with him as he did, and a flit of emotions ran across his face. Some I will never forget. The clench of his jaw held in all the anger, sadness, and awe.
He looked to me and gave me his small smile, the one that always carries devastation but he doesn't want to be the one to tell me.
That's when I heard the doctor say it ...“Not much time.” My baby wouldn't have much time and that's why he wasn't being whisked away. There was nothing left to do.
I wanted to hold my baby if I only had a small window of time….I wanted to love him. My tiny purple tinged son that fits into the palm of my hands, the baby the doctors say won't live. I won't let them touch my wrist or face before I've had my time with my baby. I’ll never have this time with him again and it breaks my heart and splits my soul to know it.
Carter handed me my baby, wrapped in a blanket way too big for his tiny little body. I just stared in awe and in pain at the little boy that now carried my heart on the outside of my body. I started to pull him to my chest. The nurse understood what I was doing and helped me pull down my gown to expose my breasts. With her help, I carefully placed Jacob against my skin and felt his tiny heartbeat against my own. Looking to her as the tears cascaded down my face, she nodded her head and turned to write in my chart, giving me my moment with my son. I didn’t miss the tears in her eyes as she did. No mother should ever hold her baby and know it's the last time. No one.
Carter silently lent me his strength as he placed his large hand over mine, holding the tiny blanket to my chest. Just looking to him I crumbled and the sob escaped me violently. I couldn't catch my breath, it hurt so badly. He moved without thought to sit on the bed with me and dropped down to my side, nodding sadly in understanding.
Looking into his eyes, I saw them shimmer. He was lost and didn’t know what to do in this moment. It's communicated all the same with a small nod.
The odds weren't good that delivering at only twenty-four weeks that he would survive or be without complications. The silence was deafening as it stretched before me. I could hear the tick of the clock, the beeps of the monitors, my breathing in my ears. I was unaware of the amount of time that passed as I felt his tiny heartbeat getting weaker against mine beating wildly in my chest. I wanted so badly for my heart to make his beat. He had a small monitor on his foot to monitor his heart rate. I couldn't bear to look at the monitor to confirm what I already knew. The time was here.
I kissed his tiny head and cried into the little crown that would no doubt have some hair if he had had the chance to develop further. The lights were so bright, they hurt my sensitive eyes in the sterile room made up of white walls, white floors, and white bedding.
All I wanted was darkness and for it to swallow us up. Jacob, and Carter and me. And to just keep us there together. Carter rubbed my hand quietly while giving me my moment with my son. Hearing the monitor beep slowly, the nurse came over and switched it to silent. It was then I felt the final few beats of Jacob’s tiny underdeveloped heartbeat fade away. The lines on the monitor were flat, confirming what I already knew.
My sweet baby boy that never had the chance to truly live was gone.
Looking to the nurse and to Carter as I sobbed loudly, I cradled his tiny body tighter to mine. I didn't want them to take him away just yet, I needed a few more moments. She nodded to me and left the room, no doubt to let the staff know of my deceased child.
Twenty-nine minutes…..that's the time I had with my son outside of my womb.
The days that followed, I was in a daze. Trent was picked up soon after the truck was found with me inside, smashed to the tree. He had bailed after the crash, apparently not even phased. He was sitting in a cell, while I was standing in a funeral home preparing the final goodbyes. I had a few cuts to my head and a broken wrist on my right hand where I braced myself on the dashboard. My left one was protecting my child I couldn't protect. My parents had arrived at the hospital after Jacob was already gone, but I still clutched his lifeless body to mine hours later, just numb. They stood with me at the funeral home, as did Carter. I know he wanted nothing more than to go after Trent that night, but he chose to come to me, knowing I needed him. Him being with me in this was hard, but it means so much to me. More than I have the willpower to relay.
The casket, which resembles more of a small ice chest, was closed. I didn't know that Carter had taken a few pictures on his phone to capture the time I had with my son, as did the nurse with his phone of the three of us, as well as Carter and Jacob. He somehow knew I would need to call upon these one day. He printed them for me and they were clutched in my hand as I stood there staring mindlessly just nodding my head or shaking it when I was spoken to. I don't think I really even heard what was said to me, I was on autopilot. Andrea had checked out and her shell was in its place.
The service was small, which was what I had requested. Carter never left my side, even as I stood at the tiny casket for a final goodbye. The music switched from “Amazing Grace” to “Footprints in the Sand” by Leona Lewis. As I listened to the words standing there holding my stomach, my womb now empty, Carter put his arm around my waist and pulled me to his side.
The words hit me then. “I promise you, I'm always there. When your heart is full of sorrow and despair. And I'll carry you, when you need a friend. You'll find my footprints in the sand.” I turned my face to his chest and gripped his shirt as the full sobs took hold of me. I cried the hurtful tears of pain into his chest as I crumbled in his arms. He caught me as my knees buckled and just rubbed his hand up and down my back, rocking me from side to side as he kissed the top of my head.
I could feel his own tears as they hit the top of my head and feel his stomach and chest contract with his own cry. I lost my child, and he grieved for me and with me. He held my son like he was his own and never left. I know now that he chose this, to communicate to me that he's here, and always had been.
Alicia hands me a Kleenex as the tears cascade down my face and I finishing telling her my story. The day my world stopped turning for a bit. Her sweet understanding eyes just meet mine with a small nod and a squeeze of my hand. I danced around this for the last few years but never let myself go back and think of that day.
“I can see now why you have a somewhat of a hero complex where Carter is concerned,” Alicia says as I dry my eyes.
Nodding my head, I see what she's saying, although I've never thought of my relationship with Carter that way. He's always just been my strength when I needed it, my home. Carter is my home, and coming home to him was what turned all the ugly darkness in my storm to the light again. When we made it out of the storm. It's no wonder that after that day, Carter let go of his lease on his apartment and moved in with me where he could take care of me and get me back to me again. And us.
After discussing some more of my life and relationship with Carter, and my fears of Trent being released, I left her office. She urged me to talk with Carter and tell him everything I'm feeling. To let him bear it with me. The only way we can truly move forward in our relationship is to talk about the ugly time in our lives and really plan our future. Only then she feels I will truly be able to breathe easily and live the life I'm meant to.
**********
Returning home from my appointment, it's late afternoon and Carter should be home in a few hours. Deciding to go about making one of his favorites for dinner, I pull out everything to make stuffed shells. Putting it all together and sticking it in the oven, I decide to go take a shower. Moving upstairs, I hear my phone ring from my purse on the counter. Hurrying back down, I rummage through until I find the annoying ringing.
Unknown caller.
I watch it for a few minutes trying to decide if I should answer it, a cold sweat coming over my body as I watch it continue to ring. The ringing ends and I sigh in relief. It could be someone else, but my gut tells me it's the mysterious caller on the other end that's out to frighten me with their breathing once more. Carrying it upstairs with me just in case Carter calls, I take it into the bathroom and undress for my shower.
My phone dings signaling a voice mail. With shaky hands, I put it to speaker and set it to the counter to listen as I start the water.
Breathing…...heavy breathing. A distorted voice comes over. “You better warn your pretty boy off girly, he's digging too close and people are going to get hurt. You wouldn't want that now, would you, sweet little Andrea?”
I freeze and just stand there.
“I'm not a patient man, little sweets. I won't be ignored.” And then a click.
Holding my shirt to me as the steam from the shower floats around me, I'm frozen in place. Who could this be? The bathroom door suddenly bursts open and I scream so loudly I hurt my own ears. Jumping to cover myself some more, I nearly slip on the tile.
“Starfish, what's the matter? The smoke alarm is going off downstairs,” Carter says as he quickly crosses the bathroom to me.
I look up to him blankly for a moment before I remember dinner is in the oven. Sprinting past him and down the stairs in my bra and panties, I wave the smoke away and open the oven to remove the pan of stuffed shells. They seem okay and not burned, must just be something at the bottom of the oven burning from another day. I'll have to remember to clean it.
“Starfish, talk to me please,” Carter shouts as he grabs the towel from the refrigerator handle to wave at the smoke alarm.
“It's fine, dinner is fine. I wasn't up there long, I just need to clean the oven,” I say on a small nervous laugh as I walk past him back to the stairs.
He grabs my arm as I walk by. Looking up to him, we have a wordless stare down. His eyes squint at me, he can read me like a goddamn book and he knows I'm hiding something.
“You take that shower and I'll be waiting. You will talk to me,” he says bringing his face closer to mine to look at my eyes closely.
“Yes, we need to talk, babe. About a lot actually. But I'm really scared for what happened before you came home.”
“Which is why you were screaming when I entered the bathroom, and you didn't hear the smoke alarm blaring through the house,” he says as his eyes narrow a little trying to piece it together.
Nodding, I step closer to him and let him envelope me in his big arms. We stand there a moment silent. It's then that I remember how I'm dressed, or lack of dress. Moving back, I grab his hand and pull him up the stairs with me.
Pulling him back in the bathroom, I shut the door and allow the steam of the hot water from the still running shower to envelope us. He sits down on the edge of the tub as I finish undressing, avoiding his eyes staring me down. He's looking at me like I'm losing my shit, brows creased with a little worry as he rubs his hands up and down his thighs.
I'm still silent as I pull the curtain back and step around him to get in the shower. Standing under the hot spray, I just let it hit me. I hear the curtain pull back and am met with his giant form flush against my back as he pulls my back to his front, bringing his lips down to my shoulder as he just holds me.
“Starfish, baby, talk to me please. You're worrying me,” he says muffled into my neck and shoulder as he runs his chin along my skin. The goose bumps are a reaction to his touch suddenly peppering my skin.
A small sob escapes me as I wonder where to even begin. Do I tell him about the phone call? Alicia wants me to talk with him about the day our world flipped on its end. I don't even know how to, even though it's long overdue. He just stands silently holding me as my shoulders shake.
“I went to see Alicia this afternoon after school,” I begin.
“How did that go? It's been a little bit since you've gone. I can't say I'm not glad you did, you've had a lot going on in that pretty head of yours that I wish you'd talk to me about.”
Nodding my head, I'm still silent as I gather my thoughts on small sobs. He turns me around and holds my face in his hands. He just looks in my eyes as the tears fall with the water around me. The look in his eyes breaks my heart. He's conveying without words how helpless he feels unless I talk to him. His large hands just hold my face and I close my eyes nodding.
“My appointment went well,” I say, clearing my clogged throat a little. “She went over a lot with me, and told me I need to start being more open to talking with you and you the same with me.”
“I thought that's what we do, baby. I don't understand what you mean.”
“I told her about everything going on lately. The phone call from Amy. And also, I’ve had dreams.”
His eyebrows scrunch in confusion to that little bit. I haven't talked to him about them. “What dreams are you having Starfish?”
Taking a deep breath, I look into the honey brown eyes that bring me so much warmth. He's giving me his strength. “I've been having dreams about the accident.”
He releases the breath he was holding and just gathers me in his arms. Laying my head on his chest, I feel his heart beating hard beneath my ear. “You can talk to me. I know there's been a lot going on with work, but you can always talk to me.”
I turn my face to kiss his chest where his strong heart beats for me. “I didn't put it together before as to why they are suddenly starting again. The day is almost here, the day of the accident two years ago. The day Jacob was born,” I say on a loud sob, burying my face into his warm and strong chest.
He rubs my back and just kisses the top of my head, giving me calming shushes with his lips to my wet hair. “It's been two years. We've never talked about it, Carter.”
“I don't want to cause you more pain, sweetheart. That day was so hard, I was devastated to almost think I lost you. And then to lose him,” he says on a deep shudder.
This affects him too. He was there for it all. This big strong man held my baby in his arms and he made his way into his heart, too. “We do have so much to talk about Starfish, we've never talked about our time apart that brought us to that day. And what brought us to where we are now.”
I just cry harder, feeling the shudders wrack my body as he holds me close. “We need to,” I say barely above a whisper. “How can we move on until we do?”
He sighs deeply and is silent for a moment.
“Let's get out of this shower and go eat some of that amazing dinner you made. We can talk. It's time. This right here shows me that. I love you, Starfish, you're my world and it doesn't spin when you aren't happy.”
Standing on my toes, I hold his face and kiss his full pouty lips. Just for a moment, as we both breath, I run my lips along his, grounding me that he's here.
Getting out of the shower, we both dry off. He is quiet as he wraps his towel around his narrow hips, showing me that delicious V in his abs and hips. Throwing my robe on and my hair in a towel, I leave the bathroom and head for the stairs. He pulls me back and spins me around as I get to the top of the stairs. Pulling my face to his, he kisses my lips tenderly, just holding me there as his warm mouth moves over mine, pouring his feelings into me.
“I love you Andrea, so fucking much. It hurts me to see you so torn up,” he says as he brings his nose to mine. “Let's go eat, my night is yours to work this through. We have forever to make up for,” he says on a small smile meeting my eyes.
“I love you, Carter. I just want us to have our happy always. We are, but I think we have some past issues to jump over and put behind us before we can be truly happy. No questions in either of our minds.”
His brows crease, and he nods taking a deep breath.
Sitting down, I dish us each out a plate of stuffed shells. I grab the parmesan cheese and drown my food in it.
“A little shells with that cheese, babe?”
I look to him and stick out my tongue. He always has made fun of some of the things I do. It's just the way it's always been. This is our norm, damn it feels good.
“You want to tell me what had you ready to Kung fu my ass earlier?” he asks, looking up as he takes a bite. His eyes are narrowed, it's the teasing look in his eyes again. He thinks it's something off the wall I bet.
I get up quickly and run up the stairs for my phone. “Come on Andrea, don't walk away,” he yells from the bottom of the stairs.
“Stay there, I'm getting my phone,” I yell down as I grab it from the bathroom and return to the kitchen.
He watches me carefully, his brows drawn and rubs his jaw as I sit back down across from him. I go to the voicemail mail on my phone, hit speaker, and set it in the middle of the table. The distorted voice once again comes on-
“You better warn your pretty boy off girly, he's digging too close and people are going to get hurt. You wouldn't want that now would you, sweet little Andrea? I'm not a patient man, little sweets, I won't be ignored.”
As it clicks off, I let my eyes meet Carter's. The look in his eyes is scary, he looks like he could tear down the house.
“Please,” I whisper. “Don't do anything stupid, play this smart. I'm okay, I was just startled.”
“Was it an unknown call again?” he asks, his jaw tightening as his teeth grind.
Nodding my head, I get up with my plate and walk to the sink. I can't eat anymore.
I look over my shoulder and he's just sitting there, almost in a trance and deep in thought. Changing the subject, I go for talking about my appointment with Alicia. “I want another baby...someday,” I tell him as I dump my plate of food into the disposal.
I hear the chair scrape against the tile as he scoots his chair back. As I continue rinsing my plate I feel him beside me. He's standing there just staring at me. I can see it out of the corner of my eye.
“Was this part of what we needed to talk about, sweetheart?”
“It's just one of the things,” I say looking to him with a small smile, grabbing his plate from his hands.
He turns and leans his butt against the counter, legs crossed at the ankles in front of him as he crosses his arms and waits. I suppose he's waiting for me to speak again.
“We need to talk about that day,” I say quickly as the dish in my hand suddenly gets blurry. I'm fighting off the tears. The dish clatters to the sink as I'm hauled sideways into his arms, my head on his chest and his hands in my hair soothing me as I cry it out.
“That day rocked my world off an axis I never thought possible,” he says on a deep croak of his own. “I want that with you, sweetheart, I want it all. I never want you to have to go through that again, and I can't bear to either,” he says as he pulls my face up to look at him. Giving me a small smile, he wipes my tears as they continue to fall.
I breathe a sigh of relief at hearing that's something he wants...with me. “You want to have a family with me, Carter? Still?”
“Starfish, it's all I've ever wanted with you. If we had stayed where we were, you would already have my last name and we would have at least one by now I'm sure. But I was stupid,” he says as he looks to the ceiling. He shakes his head and gives a sarcastic laugh as I just peer up to him trying to end the tears.
“We were young and stupid,” I tell him, grabbing his face in my hands to bring his face back down to look at me.
“We both were stupid. I should have never let you push me away,” I tell him while looking seriously into his eyes. My eyes volley back and forth between his honey brown eyes as I try to convey to him he isn't all to blame for our time apart.
“I pushed you away, I never thought I was good enough for you. I wanted you to enjoy your last bit of college and not be saddled to me. My head was messed up,” he says on a whisper bringing his hands higher into my hair and holding his forehead to mine.
We both just stand there breathing each other in. I close my eyes and think of that day.
“I can't handle you picking fights with every guy that looks my way, Carter. I won't live like this,” I scream at him as he just stands across the room.
He'd been with me at the Nickelback concert. We were having a great time, until he went all alpha Carter on any guy that came within reaching distance that looked my way.
“You think I like the way they eye fuck my girl?” he questions, yelling back at me as he picks up the glass off the counter and throws it against the wall across from him.
I watch it shatter against the wall, and look to him standing there angry. His shoulders are shaking as he tries to calm down. I walk straight over to him and point my finger in his chest. “Grow the fuck up, Carter. My eyes weren't anywhere else, but maybe they should be if this is how you're going to behave,” I say, goading him.
“You fucking walking away is supposed to make it better?” he asks, screaming in my face. “Go ahead Andrea, have your fill of any of the men you want!”
I slap him hard across the face. “Fuck you, Carter. I've only ever wanted you my entire life. I love you and have only loved you!”
He laughs sarcastically.
That succeeded in pissing me off. I step back and raise my hand to slap him again, slap the stupid smirk off his face. He catches my arm. “Go run to your little boyfriends at school, Starfish. I'm sure they would all love to take a bite of what I have,” he says crossing his arms. He's daring me now and I don't like it, not a fucking bit.
“That what you want?”
He just laughs and holds his hand out to the side. “Be my fucking guest, baby,” he says smirking down to my face.
I turn on my heel and walk to grab my purse from the counter in his apartment. I drag it across the counter so it hits the little ceramic pot sitting at the edge. It crashes to the floor as I make my way to the door. I'm not going to stand here and listen to any more of this.
“Go ahead sweetheart, show me your best and I'll show you mine!” he yells as I open the door and look back.
“Maybe I will,” I yell back over my shoulder and giving him one last look. He just laughs.
“Fuck off Andrea, I can't handle any more of you on top of your school schedule and the fucking department.”
I feel like he just slapped me across the face. He's never talked to me like this before.
“You walk out that door, baby, we’re done,” he says, daring me to leave. I don't hesitate a moment and walk out slamming the door behind me.
“Asshole!” I scream with both middle fingers in the air as I make my way down the stairs in his building and out to my Mustang.
Sitting down in the driver's seat, I just sit a moment and see if he will come after me. He doesn't. That's when the dam bursts and I cry. I slam the steering wheel with my fists hoping it will quell the anger and hurt from me. It doesn't do a goddamn thing. I can't drive in this condition so I call Dawn, my long time best friend, and ask her to come pick me up. When she pulls up, I get in her car and tell her to just take me to cool off for a bit so I can come back for my car.
A few hours later I come back to grab my car from his building. I'm not sure what to think and I haven't heard from him since I left. Are we really over? It's then as I sit in my car with the key in the ignition that I hear giggles. Looking up, I see him with a blonde girl outside the door to his building. He's stumbling as he gets his keys in the lock. Her hands are all over his back just trying to dig her claws in. He leans down and yanks her head back with his hand in her hair and brings his mouth to hers. He kisses her hard, as I sit there stunned.
I can feel my heart shatter as his keys clatter to the ground when he shoves her against the door to the building, thrusting his hips between her parted legs wrapped around his hip. I don't stick around to see any more. I crank the engine and speed out of there like a bat out of hell. I see him in my rearview mirror looking up to see me leave. I don't look back.
“I'm not proud of that day,” he says quietly. “I never should have let you leave. I never should have said any of those things to you I didn't mean.” I grip his hips tighter as I close my eyes. “Look at me...please,” he begs.
I open my eyes to look at him, giving him a small smile.
“I was stupid. I didn't know how to handle my job then. The shit I was seeing, the shit I was drinking to try and drown the images from my head. I was a broken man and I took it out on the one person who has ever only been there for me.”
“I should have fought harder for you to see what you were doing,” I say on a whisper, bringing my lips to his. “When I came back, I thought maybe you'd calmed down and we could talk. But you shattered my heart, Carter. I was starting my last year of college the next day.”
He nods his head as he rubs his nose to mine. “And I lost you. I thought I lost you forever, and I was worse while you were gone,” he tells me.
I’m confused, I don't know what he means. He clarifies. “I lost myself in any willing body I could,” he tells me as my eyes grow wide and I suddenly feel sick. I knew this about our time apart, but hearing it again is hard. “But they weren't you, no one was ever you. And you were with him…”
“I was,” I whisper. “I waited for you for a month to come and talk to me and you never did.
“I'll always regret our time apart, baby, always,” he says quietly.
I turn around to pace the kitchen a little, holding my stomach. I don't want to hear anymore, but I need to talk this out with him. We can't ever move on completely with this hanging over us.
“That day you texted me from the truck. I was waiting for you to finally leave him. I didn't even care that you were pregnant with his baby, I wanted you back,” he says still standing against the counter running his hand through his hair roughly.
I stop and look at him from the other side of the table. “Your frantic text sent me into overdrive. I was pulling out every source I had to try and pinpoint your phone and where you were. I should have done it faster,” he says on a choke.
I move quickly back around the table to him. He drops to his knees and puts his head to my stomach. He cries into my shirt as he grips my hips and just let's go.
“I had lost someone not long before you started calling me again to talk to me about Trent. I never told you about her. She reminded me so much of you, she was strong. She was pregnant and the douche walked away without a second glance. I started seeing her and cared about her a lot. She was taken, and it was my fault,” he says on a loud sob, burying his face into my stomach. “Oh God, she died because of me. And then I almost lost you…. and I lost Jacob, because I didn't get there fast enough to react again.”
I crouch down to the floor with him and he crumbles putting his head in my lap. I don't know what to do, but I hate seeing the man I love that's so, so strong all the time...broken. Smoothing his hair with my hand, I let him keep going as I feel the tears tingling in the back of my throat again. I try and work it away with a swallow.
“You did save me,” I whisper through my sudden tears. “You were there with me, I thought I was done and that I would never get to see you again, tell you I loved you,” I say as I lay forward with my head to his back.
We both lay like that for a time, I'm not even sure how much time passes, we just breathe each other in and let it all go. It needed to be out.
After a quiet time, he sits up and pulls me into his arms. “Thank you for always loving me, even when I didn't deserve it,” he says, bringing his lips to mine for a long peck to my lips.
“You brought me back, Carter, you made me live. All because you love me,” I say, grabbing his face and kissing him deeper. We volley back and forth, each taking the lead as we pour all our feelings into this moment in time. The moment we truly let our hearts out for each other. All our fears, all our love and all we lost and almost lost...laid at our feet. Put to rest.
He picks me up and holds me in his arms with my legs draped over his forearms. He brings his face to mine again and our eyes connect and hold each other's as he kisses my mouth with such passion I could detonate right there. Neither of us close our eyes, we just stare into each other's hearts as we lay it to rest right there in the kitchen.
He takes me upstairs, walking quickly with long strides to our bedroom. My robe is falling open and I don't care.
“I'm going to make love to my girl like it's the first time she's ever been made love to. We start fresh, right here, right now,” he says as he puts me down in the center of our bed and kisses from my neck down to my chest that's bared through the gap in my robe.
“Yes, please Carter,” I beg. “Make love to me and make me yours always. No one else can come between us ever again,” I tell him as I hold his head to me as he pulls my hard, aching nipple into his mouth on a growl.