Six
October
Asher
“Let’s talk about your relationship with your kidnapper,” Trinity said, addressing me. She looked at ease and comfortable with the question, while I was sure I visibly flinched.
In fact, I knew that I did, because Avery reached over to squeeze my hand.
This was our third session with Trinity and this was the first time she focused in on what the world knew—James Johnson had been my foster father.
They also knew he “raped” me, but that Avery left the hotel untouched.
“Deep breath, Asher.” Trinity’s words were a far-off echo in my growing panic. “Let it out slowly through your mouth.” I fought to do as she instructed.
It had been no secret in that hotel room that I knew who he was. Avery knew. She hadn’t known that I went to him willingly one night, the night I found our things. We hadn’t talked about it. I was hopeful that she’d just assume that I snuck over and grabbed them, but things were leaked to the press and now she knew the allegations in the media had been true, because Trinity asked about them last week.
“He raped me,” I admitted, my hand slack into Avery’s as my eyes stayed trained on Trinity’s.
“Before the kidnapping?” she asked. She was trying to get me to open up, to admit everything.
Trying to help me rid myself of the guilt and the shame, I was sure.
I thought about the letter I received from Marie.
The one I chose not to answer.
I thought about Ryan’s words, when he pulled me aside at Christmas time. He’d had things he needed to tell me.
And yet, I refused to listen.
I had been in a good place, with good people. I didn’t want my dirty past to clash with my present. I hadn’t been ready for it.
You were selfish.
“How many others?” I deflected, knowing Trinity had the answer.
Just like the fact became known that I didn’t leave that hotel room unscathed, it became national news that James Johnson had been wanted on rape charges. I knew Ryan had more answers, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask him.
Because if I did, that would make Mykaela involved in the mess.
I couldn’t keep bringing this family into it.
According to Avery, Myke and Ryan had worked things out, so whatever he had to tell her…
Trinity didn’t have to answer my question. She could take my question and sling it back to me, rewording it and make me answer it. But for whatever reason, she gave me what I was looking for.
“Just one.”
I swallowed hard and Avery’s hand tightened in mine.
There was no ‘just’ in this case.
Because of me, some other girl got hurt.
Because I was selfish, another girl went through what I had to endure when I was seventeen.
I lifted my free hand to my mouth, stifling an unexpected sob.
Behind my hand, I finally said aloud, “He raped me and because I refused the rape kit and refused to give a statement…nothing happened to him. This is my fault. All of it.” My voice broke and I whispered my last words into the otherwise quiet room. “All of this is my fault.”
Porter
“Not this time,” Coach told me, holding on to my shoulder as I stood to enter my shift on ice. “Steiner. Take his wing.”
Stein stood and jumped over the board when Troyson, the fourth line winger I was supposed to follow, came in. I slammed back down to the bench, my body shaking with rage and energy.
I needed to be on the ice, not on this fucking bench.
Too many fucking weeks, I’d been in the big house I fucking bought, just me and the damn dog. I missed the hell out of Asher, but shit, I almost thought Caine missed her more.
He cried nearly every night, as I let him up on the bed and he put his head on her pillow.
It was the second game of the season and I was playing like shit.
Of course I was.
My fiancée took off her ring and I hadn’t seen her in weeks.
Hadn’t spoken to her.
Still, I traveled to Wisconsin every chance I could.
Still, I never saw her. Never heard from her.
Shit, I hadn’t even seen Avery.
I at least had the knowledge that she was still around the house. When I tried to go to the guesthouse though, I was surprised to find the locks had been changed. Even Mom—my own fucking mother—refused to give me the new key. “She needs a little more time, Porter,” she’d said.
Well, fuck that shit.
Coach tapped my shoulder. “Next shift. Keep your eyes on Baake.”
Baake was a handsy fucker on the other team, and he’d been pushy with Nico a few times in the game. Coach was asking me to take my chirping to a new level.
And I fucking welcomed it.
Anything to get my mind off Asher.
I got on the ice and set out to even this game, and level the emotions on the ice.
…and then I welcomed the five for fighting.
Asher
Trinity hadn’t been able to get much out of me the rest of the session, instead redirecting her questions to Avery.
Avery, bless her heart, never let go of my hand, no matter how hard I tried to tug mine free of hers.
I couldn’t remember the rest of our session. It passed by in a blur, but soon it was eight, and the end of our late session.
Avery drove us back to the guesthouse and mindlessly, I followed her in. She led me to my room and stood in the doorway as I stood next to the big, empty bed.
“Do you need anything?” she asked as I crawled into the covers, not bothering to change into bedclothes.
I rolled onto my side, curling into a ball, and shook my head. I had no words for her, not with the session still so fresh in my mind.
The knowledge that he hurt someone else all because I didn’t say anything…
“Maybe I’ll stick around,” Avery said, cutting into my thoughts. She looked around the room then back to me. She didn’t give me a chance to tell her no.
That would, of course, require me to open my mouth, but I didn’t trust my voice.
Before I realized it, I was moving over and Avery was lying beside me, her hand taking mine once again.
“You’re safe here, Asher,” she whispered to the ceiling.
I closed my eyes and tried to let her words reassure me.
They weren’t likely to, but I tried all the same.