Eighteen
Asher
I hadn’t slept.
I sighed quietly and looked over Porter’s body to the clock.
Three-thirty.
He held me through sleep, his arm hardly slacking around me once he fell off that edge of sleep, as if he was afraid of me leaving. I couldn’t blame him.
His arm was protective, and if it weren’t for the extremely soft snores coming from his parted lips, I would think he was awake.
I missed him.
I missed him in every sense of the word.
I still wasn’t convinced that I was normal, though. I’d been with two men in my life, one by choice, the other, not. I knew that my body was better prepared for Porter’s, but beyond that…an orgasm was an orgasm.
Even though it screwed things up last time, I wanted to try…
I wanted Porter over me, I needed him surrounding me. Only this time, I would force my mind to stay here, to not go somewhere else.
Porter deserved my full attention.
It was easy to get lost in the memories, but I was tired of them taking up my energy. If Porter was sticking around…
I had no room for the memories.
What was done, was done.
They were in the past.
It was time to accept the future.
I trailed my fingers over the ridges of Porter’s abdominal muscles. “Porter,” I said quietly.
He smacked his lips in sleep, before sighing again. He was such a heavy sleeper.
“Porter,” I said again, leaning into him and whispering in his ear.
I was nervous.
Before, I would wake him up by taking him in my hand…but we weren’t there anymore. Honestly, I wasn’t sure where we were.
We couldn’t just pick up where we left off.
Could we?
Could we just ignore these last ten weeks?
I didn’t think it was possible. Those weeks were there, and as much as he seemed to accept everything I told him, part of me was still terrified that he’d want to hold the brakes a little bit longer.
I should just let him sleep.
We could talk about it in the morning.
I, however, wasn’t sleeping anytime soon.
Resigned, I pushed up to sit on my knees. Porter’s arm dropped down, landing on my foot. He sighed in his sleep again and his hand twitched against my foot before it made purchase with my ass.
I couldn’t help but lift my brows and shake my head at this man.
The covers were down to his waist and I took the time to take him in.
God, I missed him.
I saw so much of me, in the art on his body. My eyes dropped to his ‘mom’ tattoo and I had the terrible thought—I was more than two letters on his body. What would he have done if I truly left him? How would he cover me up?
Tears burned behind my eyes as I leaned forward to reach over his body, my fingers light on the lotus that now served as the starting point to his sleeve.
“What’s wrong?” His sleep heavy voice broke the silence.
Semi-amused, I moved my eyes to his still-closed ones. “How is it you never hear me call your name, but you can feel me watching you?”
Now, he lifted his eyelids and, although it was dark, I watched as he focused in on me. “I don’t know. I just do.” He squeezed my ass in his palm before moving his hands to his sides and pushing up to sit beside me.
“Why the tears, Ash?” He snaked a hand into my hair, holding my head carefully. I turned my head so I could press my nose into his palm, taking my first true deep breath in weeks.
“Just thinking.”
His fingers flexed against my scalp and I could feel his need to pull me in, to kiss me, but he held back.
That killed me.
“I know I screwed up last—”
“Asher,” his voice warned.
“Shush a second.”
His scarred brow rose but he quieted.
“I know you said you like me being on top. I know sex was never boring for you. And I know I messed things up when I asked you to be on top last time. That was…” I swallowed and forced myself to keep my eyes on his. “That was my need to try and rid myself of the memories.” His hand flexed against my head again but then it loosened, running through my hair and dropping to the bed beside me, not touching me.
“But I need you. I’m…I’m ready.” I bit my lip to keep from saying more, keeping my eyes trained on his.
Would he give in?
Would he love me?
“You pushing me away fucking tore me up.” His words weren’t what I was expecting. “If I could go back to that day, Asher, I would in a fucking heartbeat. I was selfish. You said you needed it, but I should have known better.”
“I did need it though,” I told him, nodding my head slightly. “There were a lot of things that I kept locked up. Memories I refused to remember.”
“Yeah, and I made you remember them during a time where they had no place being.” I watched as his fist bunched into the sheets beside him.
Reaching to my side, I grabbed his other hand, prying his fingers apart and linking our hands, cupping my other around our joined fist. “That’s on me, though, Porter.”
“No. I should have known better.” His hand tightened in my hand. “Asher, you’re my best friend.” His voice cracked. “You are fucking everything to me. I should have known better.”
I heard the passion in his words, and this time, I recognized it wasn’t anger lacing them.
It was hurt.
But it was also love.
“You’re my best friend too,” I whispered to him. “I trust you, Porter, with everything in me. Sometimes I need to remind myself it’s you and I hate that. I hate that I can’t just let go with you. I hate that someone else took things from me, and I love you for it, but I just don’t understand how you’re so accepting of it.”
His hand moved now, cupping my jaw. “Because I love you. They weren’t your actions, Asher. I wish I could get you to believe that.”
“But I—”
“Fight or flight, beautiful,” he said, shaking his head. “And doing what you thought you had to do, to get you and Ace out of a potentially worse situation. You loved my sister enough to face your own demons. How in the hell could I ever find fault in that?”
“You’re too good for me,” I whispered, the words incredibly truthful.
“I could say the same of you, Asher.”
I let my eyes drift close, feeling the energy in the room. After a moment, I asked, “Can you love me?”