From the texts of Will Saunders and

Shane Wallace

Shane Wallace: You told Sabrina I was the rat! How could you, man? I was trying to keep a low profile with her.

Will Saunders: I didn’t tell her. I didn’t say a word about you when we talked.

Shane: Well, she figured it out somehow. Some buddies and I ended up at her bar on a pub crawl last night, and she gave me no end of shit about being a tattletale who reports back to Big Brother.

Will: LOL. Well, you are kind of a tattletale.

Shane: I was trying to spare the girl an STD and a broken heart! I was trying to be a gentleman. But if this is the kind of treatment I get for doing the right thing, next time, I’ll keep my mouth shut.

Will: I was just kidding, Walls. Of course I’m glad you said something. I don’t want her to get hooked up with a douchebag. But like my biological little sisters, Sabrina’s also stubborn as hell and is going to do what she pleases, no matter what Big Brother has to say about it.

At least you tried to spare her the pain of driving her car off the edge of the heartbreak cliff.

Shane: Why doesn’t that make me feel any better?

Will: I don’t know. Maybe you’re feeling lousy because your warning wasn’t purely altruistic?

Shane: Maybe I’m feeling lousy because you use big words and it’s annoying. I have a junior college degree in welding, asshole. Adjust your vocab.

Will: I will not. You’re a smart kid, Wallace. You’d be even smarter if you spent more time reading and less time drinking beer.

Shane: But I like beer, and I need to drink it while I’m still young enough to drink all weekend and still kick ass at practice on Monday. And yeah, I guess I’m smart enough, but I’m tired today. So can you just say what you’re saying?

Will: I’m saying that you have a thing for Sabrina and that’s the real reason you don’t want her dating this guy. Because he’s nice looking and plays a good game and will actually give you a run for your money when you finally decide to man up and ask her out.

Shane: That’s not true! That’s not even close to being true! I don’t want to date Sabrina. She’s a complete pain in the ass.

Will: Oh man, you really like her, don’t you? You’ve got it bad.

Shane: Like her? Yeah, right. I like her like I like burning my tongue on hot pizza and not being able to taste anything for three days. I like her like I like multiple paper cuts on my fingers on a day I’m making lemonade. I like her like I like getting a puck to the nuts and realizing I forgot to put on my cup before the game.

Will: I think thou dost protest too much.

Shane: And I think thou dost have your head up your own ass. I don’t like the girl. And even if I did think she was worth the hassle and possible hearing loss associated with dating someone who NEVER STOPS TALKING, she’s off-limits. No dating team members’ siblings, remember?

Will: She’s not a team member’s sibling. She’s my ex-girlfriend’s little sister. Even if Hailey and I were to get back together for the long haul, the rules don’t apply to in-laws.

Shane: Really? You’re serious?

Will: I’m serious. Though I would, of course, absolutely kick your face through your asshole if you hurt Bree in any way. But I happen to think you’re a fairly decent guy, all things considered.

Shane: All things considered? What’s that supposed to mean? I’m not the one who laughs like a howler monkey every time Cruise pranks Nowicki.

Will: I regret nothing. Cruise is a master of his craft, and laughter is good for the soul.

Shane: True. He is a diabolical son of a bitch.

So, on a serious note, were you for real about you and Hailey getting back together? Has there been activity on that front I’m not aware of? I thought it was hardcore over between you two.

Will: Yeah, so did I.

But there have been some…developments.

Nothing I’m at liberty to discuss, but we cleared the air, discovered our break-up could be chalked up to poor communication on both sides, and agreed to work on some things that might make us a stronger couple. I think there’s a chance we’ll be able to make it work. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high, but…yeah. Definitely a chance.

Shane: Good. I’m happy for you, man. I always thought you and Hailey were great together. Seeing you two break up shook my faith in coupledom.

Will: Me, too.

Shane: Yeah. I figured if you two couldn’t make it, I’m probably fucked before I get started. Even if I do find someone willing to put up with my crazy travel schedule and my collection of salt and pepper shakers.

Will: How many are you up to now?

Shane: About fifty. Hit a junk shop in St. Helens last week and scored two creepy as fuck bunnies with glowing red eyes, and a set from the 1930s with baby heads on chicken bodies. Seriously disturbing stuff.

Will: Keep it up and you’ll beat out Cruise for weirdest hobby.

Shane: It’s not weird; it’s research. The salt and pepper shakers are just a side project, something to hunt for while I’m out scoping out different business models. I’m thinking of opening up an antique store when I retire. I like old stuff and giving forgotten treasures a new lease on life.

Will: Why wait until you retire? Hailey and I bought the gym when I was only a few years into my contract, and the business has grown every year since. By the time I hang up my skates, I’ll have a steady income stream to help ease the transition as I figure out my next incarnation.

Shane: I like that. Incarnation. It makes retiring sound like something exciting instead of terrifying. Speaking of terrifying, did you hear Brendan after the game on Friday? He said he’s thinking this might be his last season.

Will: He’s been saying that for the past three years.

Shane: I think this time is different. Apparently he got an offer to go coach for the expansion team in Kansas City.

Will: No way. He hates those lame-ass fucks as much as the rest of us. How can he even think about teaching them all our secrets? Not that it will help. They have as much fire on the ice as day-old dog shit.

Shane: I don’t know. Maybe he’s just old and tired?

Will: Maybe…

Hell.

Makes you think.

Shane: It does. I’m already twenty-five. I can’t believe the time has gone by so fast.

Will: Cry me a river, kid. I’m staring down the barrel of thirty-two.

Shane: So if Brendan and Petrov both quit, you and Cruise will be the new old fogies, huh? That just seems wrong. I like to be able to look up to my team captain…

Will: I’m not too old to drive over there and teach you some manners, asshole.

Shane: LOL. I’m kidding, man. I mean, Cruise is a clown, and you’ve got that weird laugh sometimes, but either one of you would be a great captain. It just makes you think, you know, about how time isn’t standing still.

Will: No, it’s not.

Shane: Maybe I will start looking into a business loan sooner rather than later. I’ve already got a lot of solid ideas on how to make my shop stand out in the crowd around here.

Will: Go for it. Let me know if you need help with your business plan. I’ve got a great guy. And if you decide to ask Sabrina out, make sure to mind your manners. If I hear you’ve been anything but a gentleman, I won’t be happy, and neither will you.

Shane: Understood. And good luck with Hailey. I’ll be rooting for both of you.