From the texts of Hailey Marks

and Sabrina Marks

Three weeks later

Hailey: Good morning, Little Sis.

I have a question for you.

I’ve been wondering—Does it ever weird you out? When you take a step back and look at all the big changes you’ve made in your life in such a short amount of time?

Sabrina: Wha? Srsly? Wha tm is it…

Hailey: It’s almost eight. So yeah, like…when you wake up on a chilly October morning like this one and realize how different your life is now than it was a year ago? When you were modeling in Milan and rolling around on the beaches of Antigua? Do you feel like a stranger has shoplifted your life?

Or does it feel right?

Or strange and right at the same time?

Sabrina: Didn’t anyone ever tell you there’s a rule against Deep Thoughts before ten a.m.? Especially on Mondays? And especially when the person you’re asking probing questions only got off work six hours ago?

The bar is open until two a.m. on Sundays.

Hailey: Oh man, I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean to wake you.

Why didn’t you turn your ringer off before you went to sleep?

Sabrina: Are you trying to make me feel like a loser? Or is that just a groovy side effect of whatever crawled up your skirt this morning?

Hailey: I’m not wearing a skirt, I’m wearing leggings and a tank top so I can teach young women to kick ass. And of course I’m not trying to make you feel like a loser! I’m so proud of you for living your life on your terms and honoring your truth even when most people your age would have stuck with modeling no matter how miserable it made them, just for the travel bennies and free clothes.

Sabrina: You’re sounding old again. Like mom. You might as well just go get pregnant right now and have some babies. You’re destined to be a fussy mom type who refuses to let your kids eat junk food and nags them about the dangers of sleeping too close to their cell phones.

Hailey: Electromagnetic radiation isn’t something I made up, you know. It’s real. And it’s bad for you. And you shouldn’t sleep with your phone.

Sabrina: I love you. You’re a cute old lady.

Hailey: I love you, too. And you’re a brat. Go back to sleep, I’ll talk to you later.

Sabrina: No, I’m up now. Pondering your question has banished sleep. So…yes, it is weird sometimes. I look around and see how much things have changed and have a hard time believing this is my life. But it’s also right. I’m so much happier. So, weird and right is my answer.

Hailey: So you think the two can coexist?

Sabrina: Absolutely. But now I’m curious to know what inspired your line of questioning? Are things with Will finally getting weird?

Hailey: No comment.

Sabrina: Ewwww!! They are getting weird, aren’t they! I mean, you’re three weeks into your lessons now, right? It’s about time things started getting super-duper kinky winky. So what tripped your freak-out reflex?

Hailey: I said no comment.

Sabrina: Did he tie you up? Try to pee on you in a sexual way? Make you dress up in a naughty school girl outfit and pretend he was going to get you pregnant before graduation?

Hailey: I’m not going to touch any of that except to say your reading habits worry me sometimes and that pee is for the toilet.

Sabrina: Well I know that. But I’m not a Big Bad Dirty Dom.

I have to confess it’s hard to imagine Will being mean to someone, even in a pretend way. He’s such a sweetheart.

Hailey: He’s not mean. He’s…wonderful. So incredibly wonderful.

Sabrina: Aw, you’re falling in love with Will again!

Hailey: I never fell out of love with him, Bree.

Love was never the problem.

Other stuff was the problem.

But now I’m pretty sure I’m into the other stuff, too, but it’s still so new that sometimes I get freaked out and wonder what the heck I’m doing. I mean, yes, I’m having a blast and the best sex of my life, but…

Well, there’s a part of me that still feels like I’m trying on a pricey pair of sky-high heels or something. I like the look of them, but I’m not sure if I want to plunk down three hundred bucks and take them home, where I’ll be obligated to wear them at least twice a week to justify paying that much for them.

I don’t know if power exchange is something I’m ready to commit to forever, you know?

Sabrina: Then don’t do it forever. Have fun with it as long as it’s fun, and when it stops being fun, tell Will you want to take a break.

Hailey: But that’s not fair to him. I can’t promise to make this part of our relationship going forward and then back out. I need to know for sure if I’m ready to sign on the submissive dotted line.

But it’s just still so new and…I feel new, too.

Sabrina: How so?

Hailey: I don’t know. It’s like questioning one part of my life opened the door for all these other questions. I’m second-guessing things I’ve taken for granted for years and wondering who I really am. If my opinions can change so drastically on so many things, am I even the same person I was before? Or someone completely different?

Sabrina: Wow. That makes my head hurt.

Hailey: Tell me about it. I think I’m having a quarter-life crisis.

Sabrina: Lol. You are not. You’re just going through a growing spurt. It’s good for you. We’re supposed to keep growing, you know. You don’t reach adulthood and suddenly have everything all figured out forever.

Hailey: I know.

I just never expected this to hit me so hard.

Everything feels different except the way I feel about Will. And that feels like…coming home.

Like coming home after months lost at sea. He’s that first glimpse of land.

Sabrina: The first bite of chocolate cake after dieting for three months so your abs will show on the cover of the swimsuit issue.

Hailey: I can’t imagine going without cake for that long, but yes, I bet it’s just like that. So good it almost makes me want to cry. I’m just so happy and relieved and grateful to have him in my life again.

Sabrina: Aw, you’re going to make me cry! That’s so sweet!

Hailey: Seriously, I don’t know how much longer I can wait to tell him that I want to be with him again. I want to be Us again. Surely, even if the weird feeling sticks around for a while—even forever—it will be worth it to know I’m never going to have to live without him again. Right?

Sabrina: Okay, now hold up a second. It would be worth pretending for the rest of your life to be something you’re not? Really?

Hailey: I don’t know! I just miss him so much, Bree.

I miss being happy without having to try so hard.

When Will and I were broken up, it felt like I spent half my life fighting off the blues, boosting myself up with exercise or meditation or forced fun outings to go see sketch comedy or take in the new exhibit at the museum. Not being miserable had become so much fucking work.

But when I’m with Will, I just…float.

Sabrina: So float, woman. Enjoy yourself and give the new stuff some time. You two will figure it out. There’s no need to rush. Just go with the flow and try not to overthink everything the way you always do. Some things can’t be sorted out with your head, Hailey Rae. Some things have to be understood with your heart. And yet still others must be soaked up via your vagina.

Hailey: That’s sweet, smart, and gross all at the same time.

Sabrina: You’re welcome. I’m going back to sleep now. I’m going to try to make your two-thirty class, but if I’m not there, don’t worry. I’m considering staying in my pajamas all day, playing records, and catching up on my smut reading. I’ve been buried in Man’s Search for Meaning for a week, and I could use a break from wanting to cry because I’m so simultaneously inspired and filled with empathy.

Hailey: You’re going to be a good therapist.

Sabrina: If I can keep from crying all the time.

Speaking of crying, Creedence called me again last night.

Hailey: Wow. And he was crying?

Sabrina: No, I just wanted to talk about my love life for a change, and that seemed like an easy transition. He wasn’t crying, but he was bummed that I’m sticking to my “just friends” policy. He wants another real date, and I’m inclined to give him one.

Hailey: What about the STD factor? I mean, that’s a deal breaker, isn’t it?

Sabrina: The STD has not been confirmed. It’s hearsay at this point. And he’s just so sexy, Hailey. Demanding and intense and poetically obsessed with me in the cute way, not the creepy way. I mean, we ended up talking on the phone for nearly an hour last night, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t done that since junior high. So…

Hailey: So you’re going to see him again.

Sabrina: I am. I know Will said he was bad news, but he may have gotten flawed information. Our mutual friend Shane is a great guy, but he’s got a little thing for me, I think.

Hailey: Shane Wallace?! Oh, he’s so cute, Bree! And such a sweetheart.

You should totally go out with him! You would have so much fun together!

He’s got a great sense of humor.

Sabrina: Yeah, I know, Hailey, I’ve been friends with him for a long time. But he’s a total jock, and I’m not a jock girl. I’m into artistic, intellectual guys. Guys who write music or poetry or read Rilke in German.

Hailey: Pale posers who wear a lot of black, have dark circles under their eyes, and look skinnier in skinny jeans than I do?

Sabrina: *dreamy sigh* Yes. Like vampires, but with dirty hair.

Hailey: Well…whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Sabrina: Thatta girl. Go with the flow, be open to alternative ways of looking at the world, and you’ll get through this new adventure with Will just fine.

Hailey: Just don’t come crying to me when your bed is full of hipster crabs.

Sabrina: Lies. Those are dirty lies.

Hailey: And make sure he wraps it up. Twice. Just in case he’s collected anything grosser than pubic parasites in his sexual travels.

Sabrina: La la la…not listening, there is no hateration in this dancery, sister.

Hailey: Fine, crazy. Just be safe. And get your butt to class today so I can give you a hug. I miss your face.

Sabrina: Will do. All the hugs.

Hailey: All the hugs.