Dear Diary,

I didn’t know it was possible for a person’s heart to hurt this bad without the pain killing them.

I did it. I put absolutely everything on the line, and not only was I shot down by the man I loved, but I was betrayed by the girl I thought was my best friend.

Lowering my pen to the mattress, I closed the journal, running my fingertips along the worn leather cover. I’d been using it every single day for the past four years, because it was a gift from the man I loved. Now it was nothing more than a horrible reminder.

I didn’t want those reminders anymore, but I couldn’t bring myself to let them go completely.

Climbing off the bed, I walked to the closet and pulled the door open, reaching for one of the shoeboxes I kept high on the shelf. Tossing the pair of shoes onto the closet floor, I moved to my bedside table and opened the drawer, pulling out every candy bar he ever gave me and dumping them inside the box. Next went the tiny picture frame he’d given me, along with the picture of me with the whole crew I’d put inside of it. I rested the journal on top of everything and placed the lid on top before stowing it back up on the shelf, making sure to tuck it behind everything else up there.

Out of sight, out of mind. Or at least I hoped.

I’d done my best to put on a happy face all day as my family and I celebrated Christmas, but I’d been secretly waiting for it all to end so I could go upstairs, close myself in my bedroom, and throw the pity party I’d been so desperate to have. Unfortunately, I’d only had about twenty solid minutes to wallow before a knock on my bedroom door interrupted me.

Will had already left for the evening, planning on spending some more time with the guys and Tate before they flew back tomorrow. Figuring it was my mom or dad, I called for them to come in.

“Goldie….”

My head shot up and around at the sound of Mace’s voice, and my heart stalled for a second before starting back up at a rapid pace. “What are you doing here?” I bit out as I slowly lowered to my bed.

“You haven’t been answering any of my texts, darlin’. I couldn’t go back to LA without talkin’ to you first.”

God, he was just making it so much worse. “That’s because I have nothing left to say to you, Mace. Sorry you wasted the trip.”

“I hated how we left things,” he stated, moving into my room and closing the door behind him. “Sweetheart, you have to believe me, I had no idea who she was—”

“Stop it,” I hissed, closing my eyes against the memory of yesterday morning flashing in my brain.

“Lyla, please. I never would’ve fuckin’ touched her. You have to know that.”

A laugh of disbelief bubbled up my throat, filling my room with its bitterness as it slipped past my lips. “You know what blows my mind? The fact that you came in here thinking the only reason I have nothing to say to you is because you screwed a girl I stupidly thought was my best friend. I hate to break it to you, but any woman walking out of your bedroom would’ve broken my heart.”

He flinched like I’d just slapped him, and I couldn’t help but feel a tiny hint of pleasure at that.

“Lyla—”

“Do you have feelings for me?” I asked, finished with beating around the bush. I’d already laid myself bare; there was nothing left for me to lose.

“It’s not that simple.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. It’s exactly that simple. And I’d appreciate an answer.”

“Yes,” he gritted, the muscle in his jaw ticking wildly. “Yeah. I have feelings for you.”

“Why do I get the feeling a ‘but’ is coming?” I asked snottily.

Mace’s throat bobbed with a thick swallow. “But… Christ, Ly. You’re my best friend’s little sister. What am I supposed to do with that, huh?”

“Wow!” I barked. “First it was that I was too young, now it’s because I’m Will’s sister? Which is it? Make up your mind, Mace.”

“It’s both!” he boomed before getting a hold of himself and lowering his voice as he repeated, “It’s both. But most of all, it’s Will. I can’t… I just can’t do that to him, Goldie.”

“Do what?” I demanded, losing hold on my patience.

“He’d never approve.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not good enough for you, okay!” he shouted so loud that both of us held our breaths, waiting to see if my folks had heard. When a minute ticked by without the sound of their footsteps on the stairs, he continued. “You think in a million years he’d ever approve of me for you? Hell no. He’d lose his goddamn mind.”

I hadn’t thought it was possible to hurt any more than I already was, but with every word he said, I felt that crushing weight that had been sitting on my chest for the past thirty-six hours grow heavier and heavier.

“I see,” I whispered, the backs of my eyes beginning to sting as I struggled to hold back the tears that desperately wanted to fall. “So Will’s more important.”

“I didn’t say that,” he replied on a quick clip. “Jesus, Lyla, you can’t possibly think you aren’t important to me. Sweetheart, you’re one of the most important people in my life.”

“Just not important enough,” I finished, speaking the words he refused to say out loud. When Mace’s head fell in defeat, the last piece of me died. “You need to leave,” I said in a quiet, broken voice.

He rushed toward me like he wanted to scoop me in his arms and pull me close. Shooting off the bed, I backed up until I hit the wall. “No! Don’t touch me.”

He stopped the moment my hands came up toward him off. “Not like this,” he begged, his voice gravelly and agonized. “Please don’t make me leave us like this.”

It was then that I lost the fight against my tears. They slowly slipped down my cheeks, one by one, as I pulled in a breath, trying to gather my thoughts in order to say what needed to be said.

“I’ve been in love with you since I was ten,” I started quietly. “More than seven years of my life, I’ve been waiting for my chance to tell you how I feel. If you didn’t have feelings for me, I could’ve walked away from this with at least a small piece of my pride intact, but you do. And that’s what makes this so much worse. Because I just found out that the man I spent seven years pining for never deserved it.”

Mace’s face went hard as stone as he took a step closer.

“Stop,” I commanded. Then I continued to drive the final nails into the coffin that was my hope for a future with Mace. “You see, when I dreamed of what it would be like to be with you, I never once thought you’d be such a coward.”

“That’s not—”

“I waited for you. I waited and waited, because I knew you were worth it. But I’m done. I won’t spend one more second of my life on a man who doesn’t think I’m enough.”

“Please, just—”

“No. I won’t just anything.” I pushed off the wall and sidestepped him. “You know the saddest part?” I kept talking before he had a chance to answer. “The saddest part was that I’d have done anything for you. I’d have made you happy, Mace. There isn’t a single doubt in my mind that we could’ve been freaking great together. But since you’re too scared to take a chance on me, to risk my brother’s wrath, you’ll never know. I’m done wasting my time. I’m moving on. And one day I’ll find a guy who actually deserves me, one who’d risk everything for me. And you’ll have to spend the rest of your life knowing you settled with whatever woman it is you end up with. Because there’s no one who’d ever love you as much, who’d bend over backward to give you everything within her power just to make you as happy as I would.”

“He’s my best friend,” Mace continued to argue. “The best friend I’ve ever had.”

“I know. And did it ever cross your mind that Will might want someone like that for me? Someone he knows is loyal to the core?”

“He’s my brother, Ly. You have to get that. Please tell me you get that.”

“I do,” I replied, nodding for good measure. “I also get that what you’re saying is I’m not worth it.”

“That’s not true! Goldie, you’re worth fuckin’ everything.”

“Then talk to him. If I’m worth everything, talk to Will and convince him.”

“Convince him of what, huh?” he snarled, raking his hands through his hair as he backed away and flopped on my bed. “Convince him that I’m not a dog? That he should let me have a shot at his underage sister? How goddamn well do you think that’ll work out?”

“Then we’ll wait,” I pushed, tired of his bullshit excuses. “If that’s the case, we’ll give it a few months until I’m eighteen. Then we can tell him.”

Mace’s mouth was clamped shut so tight the tendons in his neck tensed and strained beneath his skin. But he didn’t say a word.

Not a single. Fucking. Word.

And just like that, the fight melted right out of me. “Get out.”

“What? No, Goldie—”

“Get out, Mace. There’s nothing more to say. Just… go. Please. Just go.”

The anguish on Mace’s face was almost enough to make me want to snatch the words back. Almost. But as I’d already told him, I was done.

“Seven years is long enough, don’t you think? Please, just go and let me start living my life.”

He stood, his face stark with regret and misery as he took a few more seconds to look at me. “I’m sorry, Goldie,” he whispered, his voice full of contrition before he headed toward my bedroom door.

“You and me both,” I murmured to myself after he was gone.

It was only once I was certain my parents were asleep in their bed, and I’d have no more interruptions that I finally allowed myself to crumble, using my pillow to muffle my sobs as I mourned the loss of what would never be.