"Isn't it cool? Ms. Freya says this isn't really a castle, but if it's not, then gosh, what must a real castle look like?" Anthony prattles as he leads me up the stairs, his little hands sweeping the air as if he’s been giving tours of this house his whole life.

I feel like a dead woman walking. How can he be here? How can he be the brother of the fucking groom. I wail a silent “Why?” and think about how I can manage to avoid any confrontations. But, I’m also happy to see him. It feels like fate. That night on the beach had been the spark that lit this fire and now I feel like we’ve been given a second chance. I drag my suddenly heavy body up the stairs after my nephew, despondent. He’s so angry with me. He has every right to be. And, I’m still…me. Nothing has changed – in fact, things have gotten worse.

"He looks like he was really brave." Anthony says and brings to a halt on our climb up the stairs. I look over my shoulder down the long stairway back to the place we’d been standing. Nobody’s there. All that's left are the shadows the morning sun is creating from the statues that line the foyer. It doesn’t look like the scene of an earthquake. But that’s what standing there has left me feeling like I experienced – an uprooting of seismic proportions. Falling without knowing where the bottom is. Unsteady and confused.

Anthony tugs my hand and I look down at him. His big brown eyes are full of confusion.

"You okay, Aunt Lilly? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"What?" I murmur absently, my brain sluggish. He tilts his head, his confusion turning to worry. Shit.

If Anthony can see something’s wrong, everyone else will, too. I take a deep breath and collect myself.

“Ghosts? Are there ghosts here?” I widen my eyes, pretending to be scared

"I'm just kidding Auntie Lilly. Ghosts aren't real." He giggles at me and I thank God that he's still so innocent.

"That’s what you think, I’m still scared!" I say and tickle him a little trying to distract myself. He giggles and dances out of my reach. I hold my hands up in surrender and comes back. I wrap an arm around his shoulder and pull him into my side. We resume walking up the stairs, and I tell him, "I'm tired after all that traveling."

"Wasn't the train fun? Mommy and Dean slept most of the way, but I couldn't sleep. I've never been on a train like that before." He beams his eyes full of unadulterated joy.

"I slept most of the way. You’ll have to tell me everything I missed." And now I'm glad I did. I have a feeling sleep will be elusive while I’m here.

"Old people miss everything!" Anthony says with pity in his voice.

"Look at that guy," he points to one of the huge portraits on the wall right above where we're standing. "Miss Jan told me that he loved cheese so much he built a cheese making shop on the estate. The cheese we ate with our dinner last night is made there and they sell it in the shop. Oh, wait until you see the shop."

If I wasn't so preoccupied with thoughts of Harry I might have laughed at Jan’s food themed history lesson.

"Is my room far?" I ask Anthony. I need to get out of sight. I'm afraid Freya will come back and confront me or worse. I need to hide myself away and figure out what I'm doing next.

"Nope, we're all on the second floor, so it's just down this way." He says as we step off onto the landing. I look up and see that the stairs continue for what looks like four more floors.

He practically runs down the corridor. It's wide enough for ten people to stand side by side and from where I'm standing appears to run on forever.

"Okay, this is your apartment." He says with a flourish of his arms as if he's presenting the room to me. "Grandma and I were in here earlier just to check it out. She wanted to make sure you had enough pillows."

My heart gives a little pull at this small detail that my mother has never forgotten. I've been away from home for so long. I have so many things to work out with her, with my entire family. But this gesture tells me she’s still thinking about me. That she remembers all of the things I needed to fall asleep at night. It made me long for her, right now.

"This is the parlor," Anthony says, sweeping his arm in a graceful arc as he present the room to me. He pulls me through a huge sitting area and darts into a room that's opposite the entrance.

"And this is your bedroom. There are three bedrooms in this apartment.” He runs in and jumps on the huge canopy bed that's in the middle of this ornately decorated room. It's like stepping back into time. The bed clothes are sumptuous. Teal colored velvet drapes fall from the ten foot high canopy and hang elegantly down the four posters. On the king sized bed, there are more pillows than any one person could possibly need. The big fluffy squares of teals and light pinks, mustards and greys are beautiful and beckoning. I can’t wait to lay down.

The bed faced a huge bay window that’s draped in the same fabric that the bed is. I walk over and lose my breath at the view. Large expanses of rolling hills dotted with cottages, farm houses, and other structures whose purpose I can’t identify, run for as far as the eye can see. There are flocks of sheep grazing. But the real show stopper is right below my window. A beautiful winter garden sits on the lawn directly below me. A lime stone path along the edges of it defines it's octagonal shape. A bite of nostalgia hits me as I remember how much I loved the garden at our house in Maryland. That is one of the things I miss the most about not going home.

This garden is full of knobby trunked, conifers, yew trees, red tipped dogwoods and all look and ethereal with the dusting the last snow fall left.

"Beautiful, isn't it?"

I scream and spin around and see Jan standing in the door of my room.

"You spook easily." She says with a laugh.

Anthony laughs from my bed. "She was afraid of the ghosts on the stairs, earlier Ms. Jan."

I turn and shoot him a scowl before I turn around to face Jan.

"Well, you sort of just appeared out of nowhere. I thought I was meeting you in the kitchen later."

If she heard the annoyance in my tone, she ignores me.

"Yes, well we're about to start getting lunch ready and I realized I'd forgotten to ask you if you had any allergies." She says with a kind smile that makes me feel ashamed for being so short with her.

"I'm sorry, Jan. I’m just so tired.” I apologize quickly, she nods in understanding and I answer her question. “I don't have any allergies, but I don't really like chicken breast or pork. And I don't eat beets, turnips or carrots."

"Well, we do accommodate for allergies, but not for picky eaters. Unless your abstinence of fowl and swine is due to a religious restriction, you'll be eating what we serve. And we don't waste food, neither.” She says, clasping her hands in front of her, smiling even though her voice is stern.

“Everything's delicious, cook is a master. Her restaurant is a favorite of the tourists and is one of the best in the country. You'll love whatever she makes. Lunch is at 1:30pm, see you then." And with a small smile that is in complete contradiction with the brisk orders she just gave, she turns and leaves.

"She's really funny about food." Anthony chirps from my bed.

"No kidding." I waggle my brows at him, "And you're really funny about ghosts, you blabber mouth." I leer at him, my fingers out to tickle him.

He shrieks as I jump on the bed and tickle him until his laughter is louder than the pounding of my heart and the screaming in my head.

* * *

Lunch was delicious and stress free. When Louis' mother announced that neither Freya or Harry would be joining us, my appetite had returned with gusto. This despite the fact that the offerings read like Jan told the cook it was the Universe's Shit on Lilly Day and they should make sure to take part in the festivities.

Seeded rolls burst with chicken, chopped carrots, almonds and coriander mayonnaise were served alongside ham sandwiches topped with beet salad and served on fresh baked ciabatta. I ate it because I was hungry and almost moaned when the delicious flavors hit my tongue. Jan would have a good laugh when I told her.

I got to meet Louis' parents. His mother was an elegant blond who hugged everyone and didn't seem the least bit frazzled by the talk of weddings and events. She laughed loudly and I was happy to see her lavish Cara with affection all afternoon. Their father was Harry's twin - if Harry had been thirty years older. He looked tired, but was also in very good spirits as he told us about the manor and his family's history.

The estate, had at one time, relied solely on the income from the rents paid by it's tenants and the dowry that his great grandfather's American bride had brought to them in the early part of the twentieth century.

Today, it’s a multimillion dollar enterprise that the family runs. They have holiday cottages for sale and for rent. There’s a camp ground where people could park their RVs, and go what they call "glamping." Apparently, it’s all the rage, “The adventure of sleeping under the stars but none of the inconvenience,” his father had said.

The grounds boasted four restaurants, a brewery, various gift shops, a butchery, a garden center, the famed cheese maker, an apiary that Lady Carlisle - that was the family's name - managed herself. It was amazing. They were one of the few remaining landed families that had actually turned their estate into a profitable business.

"Harry came home after university and forced us to add all of the restaurants and scoured the region to make sure our shops, restaurants, our bakery, the hampers we sell at Christmas, are all stocked with local products. It's made us not just a tourist attraction, but a place where large parts of the county shop on a regular basis. Our London store front, which is run by a wonderful company, is booming. We’re adding tea service and creating a feel of Fortnum and Masons in London’s East End. And Lady Carlisle’s honey is exported all over the country. Harry brought a whole new colony of stingless bees from Ghana a few months ago The Queen and Duke of Edinburgh are partial to it." His stroked his wife’s hand as he nearly burst with pride while she preened under his touch. They leaned toward each other for a kiss and I decided that was my cue to look away.

I find my father’s eyes on me then. From the looks of it, he’s the only one who was listening to Lord Carlisle’s story because no one else seems to have caught his mention of Harry being in Ghana a few months ago.

I look away from him quickly and survey the rest of the people at the table. Cara's parents are excusing themselves. Cara and Louis go with them. They have errands to run for the wedding. My mother was practically sitting in my father's lap and he’s whispering into her ear while she giggles. My sisters are both lost in conversation with their men and the children are running around the room playing hide and seek with each other.

My eyes land on Simon's brother Kyle, who was the other single person at the table and we rolled our eyes at each other. He grins at me.

"We'll have to keep each other company, I guess."

"Sounds like a plan."

"As long you're not going to force me to look at make up with you on that site that should be called Suffering instead of Sephora, like Addie does, we'll get along just fine."

I laugh out loud at that and my parents and my sisters all turned to look at me, their expression ranging from mild surprise to suspicion.

"What?"

"You never laugh that hard,” Addie pipes up.

"How would you know? I see you twice a year. And maybe you're just not as funny as Kyle." I shoot back.

She rolled her eyes and turned back to Simon. Milly was about to say something when Anthony screams that he has to go to the bathroom and is too scared to go alone.

"I'll be back," she says wearily as she gets up to take him.

My mother turned back to talk to my father, but his eyes linger on me. A deep sadness in them that was different from the warm happiness that had been there a few minutes ago. I hate that I put that look in his eyes.

"I'm fine." I mouthed to him and then he turns away too.

We had all just been clearing up when Jan comes in. “Hope lunch was to your liking.” She’s speaking to the whole room, but I can see a sly smile on her face as her eyes linger on my empty, crumb laden plate. Everyone responds affirmatively, raving about the meal.

Then she looks at me and says. "Come to the kitchen at five o'clock, an hour or so before you all leave for dinner tonight, I'll show you around and you can make me that mojito."

"You're making mojitos?" Addie asks with a cheerful smile on her face. "And you didn't invite me?"

"Or me?" Milly adds.

"I didn't invite anyone, you two. But you're invited now."

"You girls don't go getting drunk." My mother warns.

I share a smile with my sisters at our mother's words. She doesn't drink at all and has always thought that we drank more than we should. Even if it was just a glass of wine with dinner. I cross my eyes at them and they both burst out laughing. I've missed them.

"Laugh all you want. Just remember you've still got to join us for dinner and everyone will be there. Don't embarrass yourselves." My mother says primly.

"Mary, they're on vacation. Let them have a little fun. Maybe you should join them. A little rum never hurt anyone." My father said in his good-natured way.

"I don't need rum to have fun. And you've never complained about me being fun before, Omar."

"Oh, pet. I wasn't complaining. Come, let's go for a walk." And he presses a kiss to her cheek.

"Let's all go. I need some fresh air and l want to explore a little." This from Dean. Everyone seems to be in agreement. But all I can think is that if I go out there, I might run into Harry and I'd rather set my hair on fire than deal with that right now.

"I've got to get some emails out, so I'll just see you guys later. Let's meet in the foyer right before five?" I said to my sisters and then I hustled out of the room before anyone can object.

* * *

We're on our second round of mojitos and I'm beginning to question the wisdom in drinking so much. Addie and Jan are laughing at absolutely everything. Milly's not drinking. I am but clearly have a higher tolerance than those two because I feel a nice buzz, a slight loosening in my inhibitions but not the euphoria that seems to have overwhelmed Jan and Addie.

"This is delicious." Jan sings as she takes another long sip.

"Mmmm, I know. I love them. I haven't had one in a while. I needed something nice and stiff today." Addie says and then laughs like a loon.

"Adelaide, that's probably enough mojitos for you." Milly gives her a disapproving frown and she plucks that drink out of Addie's hand.

Addie pouts, “Milly, you should have a sip. You look like you could use one. What's wrong with you? You look tired as fuck."

"Addie, shut up. Milly looks fine. And she's right, you've had enough. You're not exactly known for holding your liquor well. And we have to go to dinner." I say and I start cleaning up. I give Milly a side long glance. She does look tired, but I know it's because she's pregnant. She hasn't brought it up so I'm assuming she doesn't want to talk to about it.

"Well, not all of us can have the tolerance of a fucking sailor, Lillian. You're barely buzzed." She says cattily, but I ignore her because she’s right.

Jan grabs the knife and cutting board I'm washing and says, "That's what the dishwasher's for, love. Go sit." She lowers her voice and gives me a meaningful look. “You look a little tired yourself." I don't protest. I'm tired. It's been a long day and the worst is yet to come.

I take a long cool sip of the refreshing drink that I may have put a little too much rum into.

I sigh and lean back on the long marble island we've been sitting at all evening. I stare up at the ceiling and reminisce. "I miss Miami." The alcohol has loosened my lips.

"It's got the most incredible energy. I moved there for work at first, but I stayed even when I started my business because it had become home. Now…I just. I loved living there and now it's just..."

"Just what?" Milly asks, leaning on the counter, her chin resting in the palm of her hand.

"I don't know." I run my hands through my hair and sit, “It's not enough anymore."

"Ah, your voice has got the sound of a woman who's got a man on her mind." Jan says as she joins us back at the counter.

My eyes slide over to hers, the alcohol has made me deliciously relaxed and I feel at ease with her. I quirk my eyebrow in response.

"So, tell me, are Cuban men as delicious as their food and drinks?" She says with a lewd grin and a wink in my direction.

“Oh, yeah…” I drawl suggestively. “But I think the food and drinks are better.” We all laugh at that.

“You sampling quite a bit, then?” Jan asks with a waggle of her brow.

“No—”I start to say and Addie cuts me off.

"She's just reverting to type. When we were girls, Lilly always had a boy on her mind." She takes a long sip of her drink.

"I did not." I snap at her.

"You do so. Milly, back me up here.” She looks over at Milly who’s attention is on her phone.

She answers absently, “Lilly always had a boyfriend and if she didn't, she had a crush. She had posters of these idiotic boy bands all over her walls."

I snort a laugh at that. I did. "Who didn't? Except for you two?"

"We did, just not to the extent you did." Addie walks over and hops onto the stool next to mine. She slings her arm around my neck and presses her face sloppily next to mine.

"Lilly was fast when we were in high school. She had a nickname, didn't you Lilly?” She slurs her words, teasing me.

My hands start to shake, and my blood feels ice cold in my veins. I put my glass down.

"Addie, shut up." I say with a laugh in my voice that is forced I almost choke on it.

But Addie's mojitos have erased any hope of restraint winning the day and she says "Oh, come on, Lil. You were such a sluuuuuuut.” She draws this word out, her eyes closed a huge, drunk grin on her pretty face. “Mmmm…What was it? Milly you remember." She snaps the fingers on the hand around my neck, her fingers flicking my chin. I shove her with my elbow. “Get off.”

"Licky,” Milly supplies flippantly. My eyes fly to her before I can stop them. She doesn’t look up from her phone and misses my horrified gaze. His, “they won’t believe you.” My stomach heaves and my eyes burn as shame and revulsion course through me.

"Oh my God, yes!" Addie howls. "She sucked dick like they were lollipops. She even had a tutorial she wrote up for her friends that was passed around." Addie's eyes close with delight, she laughs and claps at my expense.

Sorrow fuels the tears that press the edges of my eyes and it takes herculean strength to blink them away and face my sister with what she expects. I laugh.

"Whatever, Addie. That was years ago. And I wasn't a slut, I just wasn't a prude." I bargain with my composure, begging it not to fail me. I pray for Addie to sense my despair and stop. She doesn’t.

"Understatement of the year. She was the most popular girl in her high school. She was still a legend when I got started there four years after she graduated," she says with a chuckle.

Breathing feels impossible; my heart aches.

"Girls, Dean needs help with something upstairs," Milly says suddenly, looking up from her phone. She looks between us and when her eyes land on me, she frowns. "Lilly, are you okay?" she asks, concern lacing her voice.

Addie peers at me, her eyes glazed with inebriation, her smile unfettered.

"She's fine,” she answers before I can say a word. That seems to appease Milly, who looks back to her phone and starts texting.

“Yes, I love having my past sexual behavior, laughed at dissected,” I say dryly.

“Oh, Lilly, we were just kidding. Lighten up, ” Addie admonishes. She hops down from her stool, looks out of the window into the dark. It’s only late afternoon but the sun has already waned.

“If you're going up, I'll go with you. I need take a shower before dinner. Simon made me sweat before I came down, " she giggles while she takes a final sip of her drink. She grabs Milly's arm to pull her out of the kitchen.

"See you at dinner!" Milly calls over her shoulder as she lets herself be lead away.

"Are you alright, love?"

I jump. I'd forgotten Jan was there. Again.

"This is becoming a pattern. And, yes," I lie.

"You didn't take kindly to your sister's teasing,” she says softly. Her voice is full of knowing and comfort.

I swallow a ball of tears in my throat and look down at my hands that are still clutching the edge of the counter.

"No. I didn't." The truth slips so easily from my lips. And the knot in my chest loosens at my admission. Relief at being able to admit it coursing through me.

"And they didn't seem to notice," she says curiously. A soothing hand comes to rest in the center of my back, and I realize that she walked around the counter and I didn't even notice.

"I used to laugh with them. I've changed. But I'm pretending I haven't," I admit, surprised at myself. She's so easy to talk to. Just like Harry was. His name wraps around me like an invisible lasso, squeezing me so hard it hurts. Tears slide down my cheeks.

"Oh, love." She wraps an arm around my shoulder. "Why are you pretending? They love you. They'd understand. You should tell them."

I look sideways at her. Her warm face is full of empathy and kindness as she smiles gently at me.

"How do you know? You’ve just met me," I whisper.

"I don't have any children of my own. But, I raised the three that grew up in this house. I braided hair, kissed scraped knees, and soothed broken hearts.” She looks down at her hands and while rubbing her fingers absently, a small fond smile appears on her lips. “Their parents love them, you see, but being Lord and Lady Carlisle means that they don't just belong to their children. Especially when they lived in this house. Travel, events, parties and such took them away a lot. So, I paid close attention to their children.” Her hand covers mine. “I know pain when I see it. I saw you when you were getting off of the train. I saw your face before you smiled at us."

I wipe away the tear that’s trickling down my nose. “Why don't they see it?" I ask her, mournful. She moves to sit right next to me and puts an arm around me. She presses a kiss to my temple. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol or her, but I feel so safe with her.

"They can't, pet. They're all a little preoccupied at the moment, I think. And you do a very good job of disguising your feelings. You should just talk to them. Tell them what’s wrong." She urges me softly.

"I know." I acknowledge. “I don't think they’d be able to handle the truth. It would change everything."

"Well, clearly, it already has, darlin’," she says. She gives my hand one more squeeze before letting go. I already want her to hold me again. "Think about it. You have this whole week with them. Your mother said it's the longest time you all have been together in more than fifteen years. Who knows how you might feel in a few days?"

"I don't know," I protest weakly.

"Just open yourself to it. And give them a chance to be there for you."

I nod, but know that I don't have the courage to tell them anything.

The kitchen door flings open just then and we both jump and turn around.

"Jan, I'm starving..." Harry' s deep, resonant voice ripples over me and I let myself savor the familiar thrill his voice always inspires before I look at him. He stops speaking when he sees me.

The blood drains from my face as I watch his smile evaporate and his eyes turn flat and cold. I stare at him, unable to look away. The end of his nose is red, chafed by the cold and his hair is a mass of unruly curls on top of his head. His mouth is closing over his beautiful teeth, with those slightly longer than average canines, the last to disappear.

"What in the world is going on here?" Jan says incredulously and I turn to look at her. She's pointing between the two of us looking at us, her gaze stern, her eyes wide, her eyes brows so high they disappear into the creases on her forehead.

"Nothing,” I say looking back at Harry, his expression unchanged and hard. “I've got to go get ready for dinner."

And then, I run for my life.