I close my eyes, and try to steady my heart’s rapid beating. He tenses when I say it and I know I have to just get it all out now.

“I hacked into the adoption agencies records a months ago. I found the information of the adoptive family.” I cringe in preparation for the blow that I know is coming. But I press forward. “I found the mother on FindMe and created a fake account when I found out she’s a really avid reader and joined a few book groups she’s in on the site.

We friended each other. We’re just friendly. We chat about books I’m reading a couple of the same books.” I look at him, my eyes beg him to say understand. “I got to see her Halloween costumes, her Christmas pictures, her birthday parties.” I explain, willing him to see. My heart can’t help but lighten at the mention of those things.

Harry’s arm around me loosens and I’m reminded where I am, and remember how terrible everything is.

“Lilly…oh my God.” He mutters against my head and I pull back.

“I know. I only wanted to, maybe, see pictures. But now, she’s given me so much, Harry. Every week I decide I’m going to stop. Close the account and just walk away. But I can’t.”

He blinks at me, shock all over his face, but he doesn’t speak. My heart plummets to my toes, but I also don’t say anything. We just stare at each other, my heart pounds in trepidation.

“Lilly.” Harry says finally, shaking his head, not looking at me.

“Where’s your family? You can’t possibly be done talking.” He says and it’s like he didn’t hear anything I said.

“Ummm…” I say slowly, confused by his change in subject. “We agreed to talk tomorrow. Everyone needed time to think. Including me and I was hoping you’d come so that I could tell you everything.” I say, putting emphasis on the last word, hoping he would react to what I’d just told him.

“I don’t know what to say. I don’t understand how to help you, Lil.” He says just as slowly, choosing each word carefully. I’m too afraid to respond

But Harry’s not done. And as he speaks, his voice is devoid of emotion, completely practical. “Give me a moment, I need to think.”

He sits down on the chair behind him and puts his head in his hands. I stare at him and minutes go by. He mutters to himself, pulls his hair and I just watch.

Finally, he looks up at me. His red rimmed and tired.

“You have to stop.” His voice is heavy, nearly clogged with emotion as he looks at me, his eyes sadder than I’ve ever seen. His jaw, is covered in days’ worth of beard and I can see how tired he is, it’s etched all over his face.

“At some point, it won’t be enough to just see videos and pictures. And unless she comes looking for you, you can’t have more. Not unless you’re willing to break more laws.” He says raising one of his heavy, long brows. I flinch because I know that breaking into the agency’s records was a criminal act.

“You have to stop.” He says, urgently, fretfully. “It kills me to say it, Lilly because I know that it’s going to hurt you terribly, to stop. But I’m saying it anyway because I can’t be dishonest with you, Lilly, even if the truth hurts. You’ve got to start trying to be honest too, Lilly.” I flinch at that.

“Harry I’ve been honest about everything. I didn’t tell you things because I wasn’t ready to, not because I planned on never telling you or because I was trying to deceive you.” I grab his hands when he doesn’t look at me. He glances down at our hands, but he won’t meet my eye and icy dread fills my heart.

“But, this, Lil. It isn’t okay. And until you do it, you’ll never be able to let any of this go.” He tightens his hold on me again, pulls me into him and nestles my face in his throat. I inhale the scent of Harry, savor the stubble under his jaw, chafes on my forehead. “We can’t start building a life together until you do.” He says firmly, and I feel the words as the vibrate in his throat.

I don’t move, I just shake my head. I can’t stop. I had prepared for a few things tonight. After everything was ruined.

I thought once he knew the truth, all of it, he’d be done with me. I didn’t imagine that he’d tell me there was a “we” to do anything with. So, it hadn’t occurred to me that I’d have to think about stopping. I’d been preparing myself to lose him and then hang on to the one thing that’s always going to be mine.

“No, I can’t.” I say, resolutely. He sets me away from him, and looks me in the eyes, his own clear and completely focused on me with an intensity that scares me.

“Lilly. I want to be with you. Do you want to be with me?” He asks and everything freezes. I know what he’s really saying. He’s saying that if I want to be with him, I have to let this go. I have to stop what I’m doing.

So, I answer the real question, with all of the honesty I can muster and even though I know it’s going to break everything inside of me, it’s the truth as I know it. “Not as badly as I want to know my daughter.” I say.

His rears back as if I’d slapped him. His eyes widen with surprises which rapidly turns to anger and, then some sort of understanding dawns. His posture — a loose hipped stance that had felt welcoming and safe immediately changes into something more challenging, like he’s preparing to fight. He plants his feet, crosses arms and narrows his eye at me.

“She is not your daughter.” He says, his voice heavy and sad. His eyes, though are absolutely clear with determination. The pain he’s inflicting feels like a dagger being plunged into my heart. I step back, away

“Shut up.” I say, putting my hands over my ears, my eyes wide as I watch him in horror.

He reaches me in two stride and yanks them down and holds my wrists in a vice like grip with one hand. I pull hard, desperate to free myself, to block out his verbal assault, but his arm doesn’t move. His grip tightens and with his other hand, he grabs my chin and brings his face down so we’re eye level. He holds me in place with a piercing gaze.

“She’s not your daughter, Lilly. She’s someone else’s child.” He says this slowly, each word enunciated. He studies my face to see if I’m comprehending what is being said.

“Why are you…” It feels like there’s cement in my lungs. The pain in my chest is unbearably heavy and it’s hard for me to breath. I stare into his eyes, unblinking

“I’m saying it because it’s true.” He says, his voice hard, but still so sad. “She’s not yours.” He lets go of my chin and rests both hands on my shoulders. I flinch at his touch. I don’t want him to touch me. Not now. Not when he’s hurting me. But I can’t move. I can’t think.

“It doesn’t mean you have to stop loving her. I know you can’t.”

I live in a state of chronic and constant heartache. Normally, it’s a dull, but constant tug. This conversation has turned it into a pulsing, throbbing agony.

“You don’t know her and she doesn’t know you. You gave her life, Lilly but you also gave her a life when you gave her a new family. And I know how much it hurts you, but she’s not yours.” He says this in a voice my rational mind would recognize as patient and careful, full of love and wrapped in a fragile prayer for his words to reach me. But I am not rational now.

Now, all I can hear is him asking me to stop my heart from beating. Flares of angry heat bloom under my skin as his words lay waste to everything that gives me hope.

“Let this go and focus on your life.” He says in a voice that I’m sure he thinks is soothing.

I erupt. “I have a life. Fuck you.” I scream and jerk out of grasp.

“Lilly.” He approaches me, his eyes wide with surprise.

“Don’t you fucking come near me.” I yell at him, jabbing my finger in the air at him.

He stops in mid stride. “I’m sorry, Lil—”

I close my eyes and put my hand up, palm facing him, and he stops talking. I open my eyes again. I feel betrayed, angry, mislead, alone. I let him see all of that in my eyes and let him hear it.

“You do not get to say things like that to me. You don’t get to destroy my life because you haven’t ever loved anyone as much as I love my daughter.” He flinches, eyes wide with alarm as he takes me in. My words are fire. My eyes wild with hurt. My rigid body vibrates with anger.

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you wouldn’t understand. You said you could handle the truth. Well this is the truth. Is it too ugly for you, Harry?”

He doesn’t move, doesn’t say a word. He looks horrified. His horror douses my anger. What is he seeing as looks at me? Fear grips me as I watch him watching me. Certainty that this conversation will leave me broken settles, and I start to panic.

I walk to him and take his hands, his doesn’t hold mine in return. He doesn’t say anything. He just stares blankly at me.

“I’m not hurting anyone. I’m not. No one has to know. I just wanted you to know because I don’t want to keep anything from you.” I insist, the gravity of the situation, the import of this moment driving my actions. I’ll do anything to hold on to him, but I cannot do what he’s asking.

He finally squeezes my hands, but his expression doesn’t change or soften.

“Lilly, I’m glad you told me, but you have to stop.” He says in a voice that brooks no argument.

I drop his hands and step back.

“That is not your decision and if you’re giving me an ultimatum, you already know my answer.” I cross my arms in front of me and firm my jaw. But my insides have turned to jelly. My palms are sweating and my throat is dry. I feel trapped, desperate and more afraid than I’ve been in a long time.

I watch him and pray like my life depends on it that he’ll say what I want to hear.

He doesn’t.

He drops his eyes to the floor and steps back. His hand slips out of mine. This is it. My heart stops.

“You want to live in your lies. You want them more than you want me.”

I flinch, but my resolve doesn’t waiver.

“Lilly, I can wrap my head around a lot,” he shakes his head slowly. “Not knowing your name in Ghana, why you thought it was best for us to part ways. I understand why you hadn’t told your family about the rape. I understand why you didn’t want to tell anyone about your” He pauses to search for a word, “pregnancy.” I wince at his reducing it to just that.

“I don’t want to judge you for using your cyber security skills to look for her in a moment of weakness. But contacting the family, striking up a friendship under false pretenses is wrong. Very wrong. I can’t understand that.” He rubs his hand over the back of his neck, his head dropping down, and I can see the exhaustion etched on his face. And I don’t care. Not right now. Now, I just want him gone. I look at him again and say words I don’t mean and will forever regret.

“You don’t have to understand. Nothing is more important than her. I want you to leave.” Even to my own ears, the words sound true. My voice is steady, my words enunciated and clear.

And Harry just stares at me, his eyes hard and blazing, his jaw clenched so hard his normally full lips are drawn into a tight line. I’ve never seen him look so angry.

“You are such a fucking disappointment.” His words cleave me into two and I gasp from the pain of it. But his expression doesn’t change. And then he turns, walks to the door, opens it and walks out of my life.