***
“What’s your problem?” Lily asked me.
I looked up to find one of my best friends in the world looking at me like she didn’t know me.
“Sterling left,” I said finally.
There was no point beating around the bush.
I’d told her all about Sterling just a few days ago at my lunch with Sawyer and her.
They knew that I was in love with him.
“Why would he do that? Did y’all have a fight?” She asked worriedly.
I shook my head. “No. He has some sort of training and debriefing. He’ll only be gone two weeks…at least that’s what he said. But I didn’t leave things between us good, and I feel like shit about it.”
“What happened?” She questioned, sitting back twirling the fork on top of the table with one finger.
I sighed.
“Well, not much, to be honest. After I got back from lunch with y’all the other day, I came inside and he was just staring at the wall with a blank look on his face,” I said. “At first I thought it was just because he was alone, but he kept doing it for the next two days. Then he just sprung the training he had to do for two weeks on me out of the blue, and I was left reeling.
“This morning I was mad at him for not confiding in me what was wrong, so I left to go on a run knowing he was about to leave. And when I turned around to apologize, he was already gone,” I told her.
Lily nodded. “I think that an apology on your part will be good, yet I don’t see that you did anything wrong here. It seems to me that he just needs to work through his problems on his own, and when he’s ready to let you in on what those problems are, he will.”
I blinked. “That’s all you got?”
She smiled, her straight white teeth were revealed with the brilliance of it.
I couldn’t explain how happy seeing her smile like that made me feel.
I loved Lily.
She was my very best friend in the world, and I hadn’t seen her smile like that in a very long time.
I was glad she was happy.
“Let me tell you something about Alphas,” she said, leaning in closer to me.
I snorted, but leaned in, too.
“And what do you have to tell me?” I asked conspiringly.
“Alphas have some sort of switch in their brain that tell them that expressing their feelings is a weakness,” she said.
“Oh, this should be good,” Lily’s husband said, taking a seat beside me and throwing his arm around me. “I’ve gotta hear this. I might take notes.”
Lily ignored her husband, and I leaned into him and rested my head on his shoulder.
Dante Hail was the most awesome guy in the world.
And I’d met some awesome guys before, especially since I’d been in Benton.
He was the owner of a repo business, and defined what one would call ‘badass.’
He was tall with blonde hair, chiseled cheekbones, sharp blue eyes, and a friendly smile.
“So they don’t tell you what they’re feeling, not because they don’t want you in their business, but because they don’t know how to express themselves without appearing weak.” Lily continued. “Keeping their emotions in check – and to themselves – is something that’s naturally ingrained in these guys. They see emotions as a weakness, weaknesses make them feel inadequate. They don’t acknowledge them, and they certainly don’t speak of them, at least not easily…”
I smiled at Lily.
She really didn’t care that her badass husband was sitting there, listening to her talk about something that was probably a source of contention between them.
I’d remembered on many occasions while visiting with Lily during my incarceration how she’d say that her husband was being ‘bull headed’ and ‘stubborn.’
“What are you talking about, Lil?” Dante asked. “You’re giving her advice you know nothing about.”
“Oh?” She asked. “And how would you suggest she get the information out of him?”
“Honestly?” Dante asked.
Lily nodded
“Ask him. If you want to know, and he wants you to know, he’ll tell you. If he doesn’t want you to know, he won’t tell you. No matter what, though, what he’s not telling you doesn’t mean he cares about you any less. It just means he’s processing it. And when he’s ready to tell you, he will,” Dante informed us.
I snorted.
That sounded like Sterling.
“So did Lily tell you the good news?” Dante asked jovially.
Lily’s eyes went absolutely venomous.
“No,” she said through clenched teeth. “I haven’t.”
I blinked, surprised that she’d taken that tone with her husband.
“What’s up?” I asked them, looking in between the two of them like they were something fun and exciting.
Lily finally turned her eyes to me.
“We found out the sex of the baby.” she smiled, eyes happy. “And…picked a name.”
My stomach clenched.
Again, it wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for Lily and Dante…it was just that it was hard to hear about other people getting their happily every after’s, when I didn’t.
What was a gut punch to the stomach was what Lily said next.
“It’s another girl, and we’ve decided to name her Jade Ruthann,” she smiled.
“Ohhh,” I whispered. “That’s beautiful. Congratulations.”
What were the odds that she’d choose the name that I was to use all those years ago?
I was surprised I didn’t choke on those words.
“I have to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back,” I whispered, hurrying out of the booth and hurrying to the bathroom.
Lucky for me that I didn’t have to go to the public bathroom.
Since we’d decided to have lunch at Halligans and Handcuffs, I was able to slip through the kitchen door and head to the back bathroom without anyone the wiser.
Well…kind of.
I knew Silas saw me.
He saw everything.
His eyes clocked me the moment I walked into the kitchen.
His office was set in the back of the kitchen, and he could see the door from where he was sitting.
He started to stand, but I shook my head at him and practically fell into the bathroom, slamming the door as I went.
I dropped down the toilet lid through tear filled eyes and stared at my hands as I dropped down on top of it.
God, it still hurt so bad.
I could practically feel the way her tiny body had filled my hands.
I’d been able to hold her for hours before they’d finally come for her.
During that time I’d given my police report, with her in my hands, under the devastated detectives’ sympathetic gazes.
I’d dressed her in her tiny newborn outfit that didn’t fit her in the slightest.
Wrapped her in the tiny blanket that I’d intended to cover her in as we brought her home from the hospital.
And I’d done it all alone.
Lily and Dante had been half way around the world where Dante had been stationed in Germany in the Army.
They’d married a week or two before I’d told Bender that I was pregnant, all because of Dante’s orders to be stationed at the Army base in Heidelberg, Germany.
I didn’t have contact with her in well over eight months, and I’d been so excited to introduce her to my daughter.
So I knew it wasn’t Lily’s fault.
She had no clue what was wrong with me- at least not from my own recounting.
Had no clue why I’d killed Bender…not really.
She hadn’t been able to make it home for the trial, and what little she did know about the entire situation was what I’d told her had happened.
And I think she did know. Or suspected. But she gave me that out, allowed me have my secrets, and let me be.
She knew I’d killed Bender in self-defense…what she didn’t know was that it’d been because I was consumed with grief over him killing my child.
The one piece of me that was good…and pure.
I didn’t realize that my sobs had become so gut wrenching until a knock sounded on the door.
“You okay?” A muffled male voice called from the other side.
Silas.
“Yeah,” I choked out.
“You don’t sound okay,” Silas challenged.
“I’m fine,” I lied.
I heard something that sounded distinctly similar to ‘fucking hardheaded women,’ but I couldn’t be sure.
“Call me if you need me,” Silas ordered.
I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me.
“Okay,” I said through another sob.
I could practically hear him sigh through the door, and a small smile started to spread on my lips.
I really loved Silas.
I loved him for Sawyer.
Loved that he treated my good friend with the tenderness that she deserved.
I didn’t like that he was putting his nose into my business.
I craved independence like crops need rain.
I’d become so accustomed to doing what I was told to do, that sometimes I didn’t even realize I was following orders until I’d already followed them and couldn’t unfollow them.
However, these men…these Dixie Wardens…they gave me the independence that I craved, and always watched over me.
Something Sterling had said would happen.
‘We look out for our own…and baby, you’re mine.’
That’d come out of Sterling’s mouth the night before as we’d been lying in bed discussing the politics of motorcycle clubs.
I let my head fall back as I thought about all that I had to think about.
I’d made the decision to move out of my rental, and the couple I’d rented from had already agreed to let me rent another place that was about ten minutes from town.
Something I’d been intending to tell Sterling, seeing as I was supposed to be moved out by the end of the week.
I’d also gotten Dane, with his huge car hauler, to help me move.
Tonight, after I got home from my lunch with Lily, I’d start packing boxes I’d gotten from the local super market.
Then when I was ready, I’d be moving to the new house.
Although the only one I could get on this short of notice and not break my lease was one just a street over from the one I was at now.
A new set of neighbors would mean less problems…hopefully.
With quick thinking, I texted Lily that I was going home on account of I forgot about a pest control appointment, unlocked the bathroom door, and then eyed the window in the corner of the bathroom.
It was directly behind the toilet, so I used the metal trashcan beside the toilet to stand on, and unlocked the window.
It slid open easily, and luckily it had a large enough ledge to allow me to straddle the opening, allowing me to not fall, and instead slide out rather gracefully.
I landed on the concrete besides the building with nearly silent feet, and then turned to close the window.
Once I had it closed, I turned and started walking towards my car, ignoring the group of men that’d gathered outside the bar as I did.
It was Friday night, so it didn’t surprise me in the least that there was already a line waiting to get in the door.
What did surprise me though was the graceful older couple standing a little further away from the man.
They didn’t look the type to go into a bar to eat…not with those clothes anyway.
And they really weren’t dressed for a bar.
The woman wore white linen pants, a pale lavender silk shirt, and a scarf around her delicate neck.
She had dirty blonde hair that was styled in long, loose waves down her back.
And although she looked familiar, it was the man at her side that held my attention.
He was tall.
Really tall.
He was older, but not really old.
He had blonde hair with a hint of red in it when he moved, and sharp gray eyes that took in everything around him without actually moving an inch.
He was wearing a similar dressy outfit to the woman at his side, but he was wearing black slacks and a pale lavender button down shirt.
His eyes caught me as I looked at him, and they narrowed, marking my turn to leave with haste.
I couldn’t figure out what it was about that man that had me staring at him so, but I knew it wouldn’t solve anything to keep staring.
And if I didn’t hurry, then Silas would realize I wasn’t in the bathroom anymore and come looking for me.
He felt some sort of responsibility for me, and I hated that.
So, in my haste to get out of there, I didn’t realize that the man I’d been watching was now watching me in turn.
I didn’t see how his face turned down in a frown.
Nor the way he pulled out his wallet and looked at a picture from a long ago time.
Because had I seen that, I wouldn’t have been so surprised just a few days later when Sterling came home.