Chapter Twenty-Eight

As suspected, I was instructed to return to California almost immediately. Thankfully, I was given more than the twelve hours I had been given to fly out to the Midwest in the first place.

“So,” Jerry said, the strain in his voice apparent. “You have to be back by the end of the week?”

“That’s the long and short of it,” I said.

We sat in the same park where we had met on the day when Jerry had confessed to me that he had never actually sold any paintings. The place looked much different in the springtime. The trees looked like pink, white and red cotton candy from how the blossoms bloomed greedily on the branches like they were claiming every inch of spare space that they could get. It was a stark contrast to the naked brown branches of early winter.

“Do you think you’ll get in much trouble?” Jerry asked. “For the fire, I mean?”

“Yes,” I said, trying not to be incredulous at the obviousness of Jerry’s question. “Yes, I believe I’m going to be in quite a bit of trouble, Jerry.”

“Like, do you think you’re going to lose your job?” he asked.

I didn’t like how hopeful Jerry sounded asking the question. I sighed. It wasn’t his fault, but he was being incredibly irritating. He truly didn’t understand what a devastating blow what he was about to propose to me would be to my life.

“Yes,” I said, trying not to lose my patience at what I knew he was about to propose. “Yes, I think I will lose my job over this one.”

Jerry stared out at the lake. The bright, white, hot, light reflected off of it like it was radioactive. Since the Co-Op had burned down, I didn’t have anywhere to be at high noon on a Saturday except sitting in the park with my lover. I wish I could say that I was enjoying it more than I truly was. I continued to speak so that I could forestall the inevitable proposal.

“It’s not like this was terribly unexpected,” I said. “I mean, I was warned by my dispatcher’s personal assistant. He was specifically trying to sabotage me. That’s the whole reason I’m out here.”

“I couldn’t imagine working in an environment like that,” said Jerry. “But then again, I guess things are different on the coasts.”

“They really are,” I said.

Jerry murmured something in agreement.

“But I definitely wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world,” I said.

This was a lie. I could imagine a million things that I would trade my position at Green and Associates for: working with local businesses with an independent consulting firm in a low-pressure environment, running a business of my own, heck, being a sky pirate in a massive ship carried by balloons didn’t sound so bad if I got really imaginative. However, in this instance, I was lying for the sole purpose of communicating to Jerry that nothing I wanted to do could ever be done in the city he called home.

“It looks like you’re going to have to, though,” he said.

“Have to what?” I asked, knowing full well what he meant, but I just wanted to draw it out more and more, thinking that perhaps he’d lose the nerve to ask me what he wanted to ask me.

“It looks like you’re going to have to trade it in for something,” said Jerry.

“Yeah,” I said.

I took a swig from a bottle of water even though I wasn’t thirsty and it was the tap water I hated the taste of out here.

“What do you think you’re going to do?” he asked.

I continued to stare straight ahead. I couldn’t handle looking into those gigantic, soulful, sad eyes in that moment. I couldn’t let him know that my heart was breaking. If he had a way in, he would take it and I wouldn’t be able to purge him from my mind, making him control the terrible decisions I would make for myself should I allow him into my considerations.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Shelby wouldn’t tell me what was going on, so it looks like I’ll have to be there in person to get any definitive answers regarding my fate at Green and Associates.”

“But it looks like you’re going to get fired, right?” Jerry asked.

“Try not to sound so hopeful, Jerry,” I said.

“Sorry,” said Jerry. “But that’s what it looks like, right?”

“Yes!” I said sharply in a moment of acidic anger.

I immediately regretted the vitriol I had unleashed on the unwitting man who sat by my side. He was just being so irritating in a way that only people who loved you could.

“Sorry,” I said.

“It’s all right,” Jerry said with sickening patience. “You’re dealing with a lot right now.”

God, I could not bear to look at Jerry, but his voice was pulling me in. It was on the edge of breaking and I could tell that he was hurting just as much as me, if not more. I had to leave; if I didn’t, everything would fall apart.

I stood rather briskly and shoved my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket. I glanced back at Jerry quickly, so as not to actually register any of the features on my face.

“No,” I said. “I still shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. I guess I’m not very fun to be around right now. I should go.”

“No,” Jerry pleaded. “Please, don’t go. I don’t mind if you’re mean to me. I really don’t.”

“Don’t say that,” I said. “Do you realize how messed up that is? It doesn’t matter how much we like each other, we should want what’s healthiest for one another, and if that means not being around one another for a little bit, so be it.”

A hand grasped onto mine from behind and I knew that it belonged to Jerry. Yet still, I would not turn around. To do so could very well undo me. Too much was riding on the importance of me standing firm.

“Ron?” He let out with a little whine.

Still, I did not turn.

“Ron, please look at me,” Jerry begged huskily, letting the tears enter his voice.

I did not cave. Having been a businessman my entire life, I’ve had to make so many coldhearted decisions for work. But never had I felt so cruel in that moment.

“Why are you being so obdurate?” Jerry asked.

“If you think this is any less difficult for me,” I said through gritted teeth. “You are sorely mistaken.”

“But why are you being this way to me?” he asked. “If I mean anything to you, why can’t you extend the courtesy of at least looking at me.”

This was what finally broke me. I whipped around, tears stinging my eyes. I did not like to be seen this way and I particularly did not like to be seen this way in public, but here I was and he was responsible for it.

“Fine!” I exclaimed. “Is this what you want?”

Jerry let out a weak, “Yes?”

“Just say what you’ve been meaning to say this entire time!” I said.

“I just…” Jerry stammered. “Please don’t let this be my last memory of you!”

I sighed and flopped back down on the bench next to him.

“I know that wasn’t what you had in mind to ask me when you called,” I said. “There’s something else on your mind.”

“There’s nothing singularly specific I meant to ask or tell you,” he countered. “It’s just that you mean so much to me. I don’t think you can know.”

I don’t think you can ever know, I thought in return, but kept to myself. You mean the same to me.

“I appreciate that,” I said instead. “I really do, but I warned you when we started that this would happen.”

“I know,” Jerry relented. “But I guess I thought things would be different…”

He sort of trailed off in that way my grandmother always did when she didn’t want you to know that she wanted something, but expected you to come to her objective anyway. It was no less annoying coming from Jerry.

“Now that I probably don’t have a job waiting for me back home?” I asked.

“Yes,” Jerry said.

At least he could admit it. His intentions were becoming clearer and clearer. It wouldn’t be long before I would be able to get him to spit it out. If this were a coastal boy I were talking to, we would have cut to the chase within minutes of meeting, but that just didn’t jive with the passive, polite, Midwestern mentality. It was quaint, in its own way, but it did have a way of grating on me in high stress situations like this one. It certainly was not Jerry’s most attractive trait.

But oh, with every word he said, he pulled my heart closer and closer to his! How could I bear to stand this any longer! How could I pretend that I didn’t want him any more than I did? I just couldn’t seem to cut him off any more than I had already tried.

I’m not going to make it, I thought to myself. If I allow this to continue any longer, I doubt I’ll even make it onto that plane to California!

“I have to go home, Jerry,” I gave it to him straight. “I have a life back there.”

“I know,” said Jerry. “But…”

As he trailed off, I could hear children playing in the distance. The hills covering up their laughter made it sound so soft and far away, but it must have sounded raucous and immediate up close. Wasn’t that always the way? Everything always seemed like the most important and central thing in the world when it was happening to you. That was what was going on with Jerry and me in that moment, but to those kids, we must have looked like two old guys having a boring conversation even though we were a pair of relatively young guys. But by contrast…

I wondered what the future held for those children. I wondered if they’d ever go through a sequence of events like the ones I was suffering. I wonder if they knew how hard being old could be. This was probably not the case and I hoped, for their sakes, that they never experienced anything like this. I knew for a fact that the majority of people in the world experienced things far harder than what I was going through, but it seemed like the hardest thing a person could go through in that moment. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

“You could stay here!” It burst out of Jerry like water breaking a dam.

There it was: the thing Jerry had been building up to telling me this entire time.

“Okay, so I know that this isn’t the most glamorous place in the world and the weather’s not great either, but we could make it work out here!” Jerry pleaded his case. “You could definitely find a job you’re qualified for. Sure, there aren’t as many positions open for consultants or fixers, but when one opens up, you’re a shoe-in since everybody who sticks around isn’t as qualified as you and it sounds like your firm back in California wasn’t that great anyway…”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I closed my eyes and tried not to let Jerry’s vision of my ideal future not make me nauseous. It was amazing that he even thought that the things he was saying to me were doing anything close to supporting the case he was trying to make.

“You could move in with me,” he kept saying. “I can show you my home town and all the things I love about living here, just please, please say that you’ll consider it!”

“Jerry,” I said turning to him, preparing to deliver the coldest blow I had ever delivered in my life. “I hate Milwaukee.”

Jerry’s reaction wasn’t what I thought it would be; it was far worse. Instead of begging, pleading or even getting angry and yelling at me, he looked as if I had stabbed him right in the heart.

“You know that,” I continued. “Even if I didn’t go on and on about how much I hated it here every second of every day, that’s only because I was being polite. Nobody wants to be around someone who is constantly complaining about their home. That doesn’t change the fact that I felt this way, though. The truth is, I was going on and on about how much I hate Milwaukee every second of every day in my own mind.”

“That’s because you haven’t given it a proper chance!” Jerry argued. “You were determined to hate this place from the moment you drove into town.”

I gave Jerry a withering look. After everything that had just taken place, it was appalling that he would even say something like that. Looking back on it, I suppose that just goes to show how desperate he was in the moment to get me to consider staying. Regardless, no explanation was needed; saying that everything terrible that had taken place was about my attitude was not only ignorant, it was insulting.

“Well, okay,” Jerry conceded. “Maybe it wasn’t you, but things were bad because you were in that stupid natural food store every day of the week. I promise you that things wouldn’t be that bad all the time…”

“Not that bad all the time.” This was the best Jerry could offer me and he knew it.

“Jerry,” I interrupted him with as calm and steady voice as I could muster. “This place is not for me. I have family and friends back in California. Can you imagine quitting your job and leaving Caroline?”

Jerry went quiet, which showed he was finally considering my point of view. This emboldened me to carry on.

“This past year has been horrible,” I said. “On days when we didn’t meet, I just slept for every hour I didn’t have to work, because I woke up every morning and the awareness of where I was, became immediately painful to me. Yes. You and Caroline made it better. In fact, the both of you were the best things I could say about this city.”

Jerry smiled a sad, little, smile. I know I was offering paltry consolation, but it was the best I could offer in the moment.

“And, truthfully, part of me wants to stay,” I confessed. “But only insofar as it would mean that I would be able to stay here with you. Do you realize how unhealthy that would be? I would be miserable every day that I stayed here and even you wouldn’t be able to prevent that for me. I would grow to resent you for being the person that kept me here and I know that sounds unfair, because it is, but it doesn’t change that it’s how I would feel.”

I could tell that my onslaught of verbal diarrhea was permeating with Jerry. His face fell with every moment that passed. It was finally clicking with him that he knew that his idea was just doomed as much as I did.

“I…” Jerry stammered. “I just thought…”

“I know,” I said softly. “And it was a nice thought. It’s just not for me.”

“Are you quite certain that the only thing preventing us from being together is the distance?” Jerry asked.

I cocked my head to the side in consideration. It was pretty sad to think of, but we could have had a beautiful life together in a lot of ways. Even when I took the lovestruck idealism out of the picture and chose to see us the way we really were, I could have seen myself being partnered up with Jerry for a very long time. In a way, I had come to admire Jerry not despite the fact he not only survived, but thrived in a place like this, but because this was the case.

Out of anyone I had ever met, Jerry had remained true to himself and all the things he loved in this world, whether it was art, love or even a really good burger joint. The fact that he was so comfortable in his own skin even in a place like this told me that he was one of the best among men.

“Are you sure it wasn’t anything I said or did?” he asked.

“You did nothing wrong,” I said firmly. “Abolish any such notion from your mind. Truly, it is the space between us that keeps us apart.”

“In that case,” Jerry said. “Can I see you once before you go? Like I said, I don’t want my last memory of you to be like this. I want one final night with you.”

I closed my eyes and let the wind brush across my cheeks. In a way, I knew what he was asking for. It was something I wanted for myself. Even though I had always known that Jerry and I could never last, it seemed unfitting that we end things like this after a wrought conversation where Jerry was so unlike himself and I was much crueler than I would have liked to have been. An ending like that is how you end something that was barely anything at all.

You could say a lot about what happened between Jerry and me, but it certainly wasn’t nothing. Our “goodbye” should reflect that.

Then again, the meeting we were having on the bench was hard enough as it was. I didn’t think my heart would be able to handle it all over again, especially at night in his arms.

“All right,” I finally decided. “But we have to lay down a few ground rules.”

Jerry nodded in agreement.

“I think we need to agree not to plead one another to move,” I said. “I won’t beg you to drop everything here and come out to California and I ask that you don’t try to convince me to stay again, no matter how compelling your argument may seem to you. Got it?”

“Got it,” Jerry confirmed.

“We are to treat this as any other date that we might have had before the Fresh Face Co-Op burned down this week,” I said. “I know that will be hard and honestly impossible to lie to ourselves about, but I think it would be best if we just pretended that this was just another date.”

“I agree,” said Jerry.

I gave him a dubious look. Part of me suspected that he was agreeing too quickly just so that I would come this last time. Then again, I would do the same were the roles reversed. The more we talked things over, the more I wanted a proper goodbye.

“My flight leaves on Saturday morning,” I said.

“That soon?” Jerry asked.

I gave Jerry a look, making him demur slightly. If we wanted to make sure that this was seen through, we had to make sure that we didn’t bicker, least of all with unavoidable twists of fate.

“What little I have at my place should be all packed up by then, so I’ll come over to your place on Friday night,” I continued to plan. “We will spend one final night together. I will try to leave while you sleep…”

Jerry opened his mouth to argue, but I cut him off.

“Do you honestly want to be awake for the moment that I go?” I asked him.

Jerry closed his mouth and shook his head.

“Good,” I said. “Then we have an agreement?”

“It’s a date,” said Jerry.

Without anything else to say, I stood up.

“I’m leaving first,” I said. “I’ll see you on Friday night.”

Walking away from where Jerry sat on the park bench was difficult.

You think this is hard? I asked myself. Think about how hard it will be when you have to let him go in the wee hours of the morning on Saturday.

Considering this, I thought of simply not showing up at his place on Friday night. It would save us both a lot of heartache.

No, I said to myself. I’m a man of my word and anyway, I think I need this for reasons I can’t quite explain.

It was the truth and the truth hurt.