Chapter 33
Rhian yawned as she climbed the stairs to the fourth floor. The editing and post-production was a tedious process of tiny cuts and piecing together a timeline of images into a cohesive piece that not only made sense and told a story but told a compelling story. Fortunately, they had more than enough material. More than enough drama and excitement. Rachel was torn between ecstasy and despair at the mention of Brooke being in the first public vote-off.
She’d giggled gleefully when Rhian had told her of the results of the sprint climbs and suggested that Angela and Simon tweak the order so that Brooke’s races were concluded before the concessions played out. Both had agreed and quickly reworked the session. They’d also done a masterful job on cutting some of the more damning remarks Brooke had made in her closing interview statement.
All in all, Rachel and the clients were all happy with the show that was to be released tomorrow. Now all Rhian had to do was figure out how to get some sleep. Her head hurt, and her eyes felt gritty. She rounded the landing and approached her door, key in hand.
“Hey.”
Rhian jumped at the voice coming from the floor. She glanced down to see Jayden leaning with her back to Rhian’s bedroom door, elbows resting on her knees and a sleepy smile on her face. She swallowed and clenched her jaw. Not now. I can’t deal with anything now, I’m too tired.
“Long day?” Jayden asked gently, unfolding herself from her position.
“Very.” Intent on ignoring her as much as possible, she brushed by Jayden and slipped her key into the door. “I need to get some sleep before—”
Jayden grasped her upper arm and stilled her. “I won’t keep you long. I promise. But please just give me a couple of minutes.”
She let her head fall to her chest. She didn’t want to look at Jayden. Not right now. She knew she’d cry if she did—again. She hated how emotional she felt and tried to blame it on lack of sleep. But it was a lie, and she knew it. She just couldn’t stand it anymore. She couldn’t stand what she had done to Jayden anymore. Watching her reaction to Brooke’s accident on the ice had only driven it home, and it had taken everything she had to remain professional. She’d seen Jayden shaking out her hands like she was trying to get the blood flowing in them. She’d seen Jayden’s face turn grey and the ragged way her breath had shuddered into her chest. She’d held it together by only a thread. And it only made Rhian realise the hopelessness of her own situation—loving a woman who could never love her back. A woman she had only ever hurt.
“Please don’t, Jayden. I can’t.”
“Why not? Why can’t you talk to me?”
She closed her eyes.
“I’m not going anywhere, you know? If you don’t talk to me now, I’ll be back in the morning. Then I’ll be here tomorrow. And tomorrow night, and then the next day. And every day until you do.”
Rhian closed her eyes, knowing there was no way around this conversation. If she was honest with herself, she should have spoken to Jayden as soon as she got back. She owed her that much. Jayden deserved no less.
“Not out here.” She pushed the door open, and Jayden followed her inside. The quiet click of the door closing behind them echoed in the small room. Rhian slipped off her jacket and went to hang it in the wardrobe. She didn’t turn around. She knew she wouldn’t be able to say what she needed to if she had to look at Jayden too.
“I-I need to apologise to you and thank you. And to tell you that you don’t have to pretend to b-be my girlfriend anymore. I’m sorry for letting it go on so long. And I don’t care what Rachel says. It’s just too cruel to make you keep pretending. Not after what I’ve done to you.”
“What have you done to me?”
Rhian crossed the room and stared out of the window with unseeing eyes. “I understand now. Why you didn’t want to do this project. Why you didn’t want to go out there. Fen told me. About Nepal. I made you go back out there. I understand why you hate me.”
“Hate you?” Jayden was close to Rhian’s back. “I don’t hate you.”
Tears slipped down Rhian’s face. “It’s okay. I get it. I’d hate me too, if I were you.”
Jayden gripped her upper arms and turned her away from the window. “I don’t hate you, Rhian.” She wiped the tears away with her thumbs. “I don’t blame you, and I don’t hate you. Yes, you gave me a shove to get me back out there. But I am still a grown-up. I could have still said no, despite the threat of lawsuits.”
“I’m so sorry.” Rhian’s voice broke as she whispered the words.
“I needed it. I needed the reason, the excuse, to get off my backside and do what I needed to do to heal. You gave me a gift. A chance to feel alive again. To be me again. I don’t want an apology for that. I owe you a debt of thanks that I don’t know I’ll ever be able to repay.”
“You don’t have to be nice to me just because I’m crying.”
Jayden chuckled and wiped her cheeks again. “Trust me, I wouldn’t.” She traced her thumb along Rhian’s lower lip. “If I didn’t want to be nice to you, I wouldn’t.”
Rhian frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“Don’t you?” Jayden smiled, her gaze locked on Rhian’s. “Really?”
Rhian shook her head.
“Then I guess I’ll have to go out on a limb here and explain it to you.” She slid one hand into Rhian’s hair, cradling her head as she lowered her mouth to Rhian’s and trailed her other hand down Rhian’s throat.
Rhian moaned at that first contact. Jayden’s lips were as soft and warm as she remembered. Her tongue traced the outline of Rhian’s mouth, flickered against her lips, seeking an entry Rhian was only too willing to grant, even as her mind screamed at her. Jayden’s tongue danced with her own, exploring every inch of her mouth. The fingers around her throat caressed the pulse point and slipped under her collar, Jayden’s thumb resting at the V between her collarbones. Slowly, the kiss came to an end with Jayden resting her forehead against Rhian’s.
“Now do you understand?”
Rhian shook her head. “You said you weren’t attracted to me.”
Jayden stepped back, tucking her hands in her pockets. “Only because you said it first.” She shrugged. “You kind of bruised my ego there a little bit.”
“What? That’s not…” Rhian looked up at Jayden, trying to recall the details of a conversation she’d tried very hard to forget. “That’s not what I was trying to say.”
“Then what were you trying to say?”
Rhian pinched the bridge of her nose and made a decision she hoped she’d be able to live with. “I was trying to say I wasn’t sure I could just pretend to be attracted to you because I really was attracted to you. I wasn’t sure I could separate the pretence from what I really felt, and didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I knew you were upset about me forcing you into the whole show in the first place, and then I was saddling you with more of my problems. And now I know why you didn’t want the project…I understand.” She shook her head. “I thought I understood. And it hurt.”
“What hurt?”
“I feel sick at the thought of what I’ve put you through, Jayden. I haven’t slept since I spoke to Fen. I haven’t eaten. All I could think was how much you must hate me and how I didn’t blame you. I blame me. I knew there was a reason you’d disappeared off the circuit. I knew there had to be. But I never looked for it. I should’ve done. I should have looked out for you.”
“Rhian, you didn’t even know me back then. You didn’t know what had happened. You have nothing to feel guilty about.”
“Yes, I do.”
Jayden grasped her arms and shook her gently. “Listen to me.” She waited until Rhian was looking directly at her. “I don’t blame you. I don’t blame anyone. Was I pissed at being backed into a corner at the time? Sure. Was I scared of facing those demons again? Of course I was. But I needed to do it. I needed to get out there like I need the air that I breathe. You gave me the reason I needed to claim back that part of me. I was dying a little every day, sitting in a crummy office answering phones, and visiting my mother. I had nothing. I wasn’t living. I was barely even existing. Ask Fen. She’ll tell you. I’d run away from everything and everyone. I was a shell. Now I’m me again.” She grinned. “I guess I do blame you for that.”
Rhian gave her a watery smile. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” She wiped at the tears on Rhian’s cheeks again. “Now I need to make sure I’m clear on some things here. Okay?”
Rhian nodded with a heavy sigh.
“You were attracted to me back then?”
“Yes.”
“And now? Are you still attracted to me?”
Rhian shook her head.
“No?”
“No.”
Jayden drew in a shaky breath. “Oh. Then I’m—”
“What I feel for you now is way beyond attraction.”
“It is?”
Rhian nodded.
“Way beyond?”
“Yes.”
Jayden’s lips slid into a wide grin. “Well, that’s good, then. Because I’m way beyond attracted to you too.”
“You are?”
“Yeah.” Jayden took hold of her hand. “Want to know the real reason I stepped in between you and Brooke?”
“Why?”
“Because I couldn’t stand her flirting with you, touching you inappropriately. Even when I could see you weren’t comfortable with it, it still made me jealous.”
“It did?”
Jayden nodded. “’Fraid so.” She ran her fingertip down the length of Rhian’s neck, from the point of her chin to the hollow at the base of her throat. Her gaze locked on Rhian’s lips, scorching her with the incendiary look. “I know you’re tired, but before I go, can I kiss you again?”
Rhian nodded and gasped as Jayden’s mouth descended on hers. There was nothing gentle in this kiss. It was fire and rock, and it consumed her from the inside out. It was hungry and deep and held her captive in Jayden’s passion. She couldn’t fight it; she didn’t want to. All she could do was wrap her arms around Jayden’s waist and ride out the kiss. No, kiss was too simple a description for what Jayden was giving her. This was a promise; it was worship. It was devotion and freedom all at the same time. And she never wanted it to end.
“Please don’t cry,” Jayden whispered against her lips as she slowly backed away from the kiss and wiped Rhian’s tears away with her thumbs again.
“Sorry,” she said. “I didn’t realise I was.”
Jayden kissed her forehead. “I know you’re exhausted, so I’m going to go now.”
Rhian was torn. Part of her wanted to beg Jayden to stay. To curl up against her side and wake up beside her in the morning. Another part of her knew she wasn’t ready. She needed to process what had just happened before rushing headlong into something with Jayden. She felt too much already.
“Okay,” she whispered against her lips and quickly stole a sweet peck.
“Can I see you tomorrow?”
Rhian smiled. “We’ve got filming all day. Of course you’ll see me tomorrow.”
Jayden shook her head. “I meant after filming, or before. See you when it’s just us. No one else around, no one else watching. Can I see you?”
It took a moment, but Rhian finally understood what Jayden was asking. She kissed the back of Jayden’s hand and stared into her eyes. “I never pretended, Jayden. I couldn’t. That’s what I was trying to explain when all this got so messed up. I couldn’t pretend. You’ve always seen me—the good and the bad.”
“There was no bad.”
Rhian chuckled softly. “You say that now.”
“And I’ll say it in a million years.”
Rhian shook her head. “Yeah, yeah.” She bit her lip. “I really should have talked to you about all this so much earlier, shouldn’t I? I guess I have a tendency to shut down in situations like this. I find it so hard…to trust. To believe anything but the worst possible option.”
“I noticed.” She kissed Rhian’s forehead and whispered against her skin, “We’ll work on that. We still have a lot to talk about.” She leant back to watch Rhian’s eyes again and waited while she nodded her agreement. “Promise me you won’t shut me out again?” Jayden asked, a gentle smile curling her lips.
“I won’t.”
“Good. Then it can all wait till tomorrow.” Jayden kissed her softly, reverently, then closed the door behind her.
“Night,” Rhian whispered to the closed door.