Chapter Twenty-Six

September arrived. Vicki started a countdown calendar for Buckaroo, much to Dare’s amusement.

“I think you’re more excited than I am,” Dare said.

Vicki didn’t deny it. “I am excited. All babies are special, but your belly is the one in my living room most evenings.”

Dare laughed. “If my expanding belly is your biggest source of entertainment, we need to get you out more.”

One of the biggest things about sharing a small living space was they had to get really good at minding their own business to provide privacy for the other couple. Yet in spite of how much time they spent bumping elbows with Joel and Vicki, Jesse’s Mr. Clean imitations only flared every now and then, which Dare took as a good sign.

They were in the kitchen one morning, rushing to get ready for the day. Jesse was meeting up with a crew, and Dare and Vicki planned to tour the rental house to see what else was needed to make the place comfier for when Skyler and Tina moved out, and Jesse and Dare moved in.

Joel, who’d been on night shift, slid into the kitchen whistling too merrily for a man who should be ready to hit the sack, damn near bouncing on the balls of his feet as he helped set the table.

Vicki rolled in a few minutes later, offered a quick hello and then dropped into her chair. She made the most awful face after taking a sip of her coffee.

Shoot. “Did I forget the sugar?” Dare asked.

Vicki put the cup down on the table. “No, you made it perfect. I just… Umm…”

She glanced at Joel.

He nodded, smile widening as he gripped her fingers before she turned back to them. “We have news. We’re expecting.”

“Oh my God, that’s awesome.” Dare jumped to her feet—well, as much of a jump as the basketball in her belly would allow—and came around the table to offer Vicki a hug. “I’m so excited for you guys. When are you due?”

Jesse rose to his feet as well, offering a handshake and a back pat to Joel. If Jesse’s enthusiasm was muted, neither Vicki nor Joel were aware of it because they were excited enough for all four people in the room.

“Early June,” Joel said, tucking Vicki against his side and kissing her briefly. “It happened a little quicker than we expected.”

“Joel.” Vicki flushed. “Okay, you are not allowed to go around telling everybody this part.”

He wouldn’t stop grinning. “I won’t, but you have to admit it’s pretty funny that the first month we try, we score.”

It was Dare’s turn to hide her laughing expression. First month? Sounded fairly familiar.

Fortunately, Jesse managed to maintain enough control to not make some comment about the twins’ super-powered-sperm or anything along those lines.

Then they were sworn to secrecy.

“I know it’s early, but I figured with us spending so much time together, you were going to get suspicious sooner than later,” Vicki explained.

“Um, you know what? I just realized that’s a rotten excuse. They’re moving out next week,” Joel reminded her.

Vicki didn’t look at all repentant. “Okay. I just wanted to tell Dare. Sue me.”

In spite of having to keep the news secret, there were plenty of other opportunities to celebrate. Not even a week later, all the Coleman clans gathered for an after-dinner joint-family baby shower.

“This isn’t typical,” Jaxi pointed out, as they carried armloads of decorations into the banquet area at Traders Pub that had been rented for the night. “Usually the Coleman gatherings are Canada Day and Boxing Day, and we take turns hosting those. But it’s been a busy year, so everyone agreed that a joint event would work the best rather than all the families trying to do something for each new arrival. Also it totally works as a farewell party for Ashley’s moms.”

Vicki put down her pile of things, a mischievous smile twisting her lips. “Go on, admit it. There’ve been too many new arrivals for even you to keep up.”

“That too.” Jaxi eyed Vicki with suspicion. “What you smirking about?”

Dare didn’t say anything.

“You’re imagining things,” Vicki said dryly. “Let’s get the decorating done so we can grab some supper before everyone arrives.”

By seven p.m. the place was hopping with family and friends everywhere.

It was a good thing they had a large room because they needed it. To make it easier, each of the couples and their new baby had their own dedicated table for people to drop off presents.

The two babies from the Moonshine clan were now three months old. Melody and Anna sat next to each other, chatting together animatedly. Steve, who was carefully cradling Jason, gave Mitch Thompson a bit of an evil eye. Mitch held Kasey draped over his arm with devil-may-care nonchalance.

“These kids were born the same day,” Steve complained. “How come I feel as if I’m handling nitroglycerin, and you look like Mary Poppins?”

Mitch shrugged, his dark T-shirt moving over biceps covered with full sleeve-length tattoos. “You’re the first in your family to have a baby. My little sister Katie has two, and my big brother Clay and his wife had a little girl a month before Kay arrived. By the time the next one arrives, we’ll all be as comfortable as Blake.”

Dare glanced across the room to discover Jesse’s oldest brother surrounded by children. He held Justin while he consoled Lana over something, leaning over and patting the four-year-old on the back as she wept crocodile tears. The twins, Rebecca and Rachel, were holding PJ’s hands, guiding him in a slow, careful circle near Blake’s feet.

“This place is absolute chaos,” Jesse muttered.

It was beautiful chaos in Dare’s opinion. “I want to see Daisy. You coming?”

He followed at her side as she dropped off the presents they’d gotten for each of the families.

After the gifts were opened, everyone was herded toward chairs. Dare rubbernecked and could not fathom a better place to be. She pictured Buckaroo years from now in the middle of this kind of bedlam, with willing hands to pick him up when he fell, and older cousins available for games and mischief.

Vicki and Joel’s coming baby a playmate in his life who would always be there.

The sound of a spoon clinking into the side of the glass slowly brought everyone’s attention to where Mike Coleman had climbed the steps up to the stage at the head of the room.

Jesse’s dad ignored the chair, putting a few pieces of paper down on the table beside him. He cleared his throat briefly before speaking, loud and clear. No microphone needed, just the big deep sound of a man of quiet confidence.

“I have the privilege of saying a few things on this special occasion. It’s been a hard choice what to focus on. The most important thing, I decided, is this is the perfect time to tell my boys I’d sure appreciate it if you’d finish clearing that north field sooner than later. You’re blocking the shortest route to my favourite fishing hole.”

Laughter bloomed.

Jesse draped his arm over the back of Dare’s chair, enclosing her in the circle of his embrace.

Mike went on. “I could talk to my daughters-in-law, and soon to be ones, and tell you I’m so proud to have you in our family. Plus, I’m more grateful than you can ever know for putting up with my sons. You’re women, and a man”—he made eye contact with Cassidy—“of great patience, because I know my boys. They’re too much like me to be easy to live with, so thanks for taking them off me and Marion’s hands. Remember, the rule is ‘you picked, it’s yours’. You can’t give them back now.”

“Worst return policy in history,” Beth Coleman complained, her arm curled around Daniel’s as she grinned at her husband.

“Oh, you have nothing to complain about,” Marion Coleman teased back. “Mike insists the ‘hundred percent satisfaction guarantee’ made all other parts of a typical offer void and null.”

“That’s some pretty fancy tongue tangling. You sure you aren’t a lawyer instead of a rancher?” Beth asked Mike.

“Just a man who knows what’s good for him—no matter that it took a while to sink in.” Mike sat on the edge of the table, legs stretched in front of him, arms folded over his chest. In that moment Dare could see Jesse in the future. Dark hair shot with silver, plenty of laugh lines and a few worry lines and a whole lot of life-lived worn on his face.

Mike was a handsome man, his eyes taking in the gathering thoughtfully. His face showed traces of emotion as his gaze lingered on the new babies. On his wife.

On Dare and Jesse.

Then he nodded. “But, ladies, I hope you’ll indulge me for one moment, because I really do want to talk to my sons and my nephews, because you’re mine just as surely as if I’d sired you. You’re family, which means you’re just as stubborn and as blind as my own—and just as able to see the trees in the forest when someone points them out.”

Jesse wiggled in his seat

“You now know, or will know, the feeling of being floored that you’re responsible for another human being. You handled your own life recklessly, then you fell in love, and there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do for that lady. Then suddenly she’s the one doing all the work, and all you can do is hold her hand, and it reduces you to nothing.

“Doesn’t matter how strong you are, or how many bales you can toss. Your muscles are nothing, your smarts are nothing. You’re nothing as they show more strength than we’ll ever have, and in the end we get to meet an amazing new person who didn’t even exist before.

“That’s when you suddenly realize you’re not there because you’re the strong one. The provider or the protector. You’re there because you need them to breathe. You didn’t open your eyes and actually see the world around you until this moment.”

Mike stopped and his grin widened. “I bet you all drove home from the hospital the way you drove the day you took your driver’s test. Cautious. Overcareful. Hell, I bet most of you drove home and your wife sat in the back seat watching the baby to make sure they were okay. Because sitting up front while that bit that’d been in her belly for half of forever—two feet away was too much distance.”

Heads were nodding.

Cassidy straight-up pointed at Travis who had their little girl out of her car seat and draped over his chest like an additional body part. “He sits in the back seat with Daisy.”

More laughter. Dare twisted so she could offer a private smile to Jesse—

He was gone. The chair beside her was empty, and the door to the hall was closing silently.

Dare fixed her smile firmly in place and turned to face the front of the room.

She deliberately focused on other things as Mike kept speaking. She thought about how much, at a moment like this, she missed her own dad. Or she missed what she imagined he would’ve been like—hopefully like this strong, kind man who was determined to be more than just a figurehead for a complicated group of people. An impact on all the lives he touched.

The empty seat beside her all but waved to get her attention.

Okay, fine. Dare would admit it. She was tempted to go after Jesse, but if he needed her help to work something out, he would ask. She had to believe that.

The man she’d met that wild, footloose February night had been energy and power and full of life in the midst of her sorrow. The Jesse she’d gotten to know better during their time together in Heart Falls had been determined and rock solid. Teasing and fun, yet there for her.

He hadn’t once let her down. Not really. His determination to move forward as he stepped back into life in Rocky had impressed her and given her hope.

Whatever had made him walk out now was important—and she’d find out soon enough. But until then she would be patient.

And soak in the family around her.

 

 

Jesse swung the axe over and over, losing himself in the rhythm of the motion and the pain. Every blow sent a tremble of hurt through him, from his hands to his shoulders to his back and legs, muscles bunching and bracing for impact. The vibration of the impact a sudden shock wave in unending cycles.

Laying waste to the woodpile at the rental house was a good pain. Pain that washed away the frustration and confusion and left him empty. Unthinking.

Or at least it used to. This time his attempt to hide in the work wasn’t succeeding the same as usual. Now instead of a peaceful, thoughtless haze, the questions and accusations kept coming.

He was supposed to be helping Dare, but he felt as if he was failing her most of the time. She didn’t need him, and the baby didn’t need him—they needed someone, but hell if he deserved for it to be him.

“Son.”

His father’s deep voice broke through the internal noise, and Jesse blinked hard, the axehead dropping from his tired grip to the ground. “Hey.”

Mike stepped to the right and visually measured the pile of split wood at their feet before lifting his gaze to examine Jesse’s face. “Want to talk about it?”

Jesse’s first response was to deny there was anything to talk about, but his father wasn’t a stupid man. Straight-up lying was the wrong choice, and considering he’d hightailed it out of the baby shower without a word—even a fool would know something was wrong.

Mike Coleman? No fool.

Jesse swung the axe once more to set it into the chopping block. He wiped the sweat from his face with his shirtsleeve before grabbing his coat off the nail where he’d abandoned it thirty minutes ago.

“I keep screwing everything up,” he admitted. “Even when I try to make things right, I just add fuel to the fire and make things worse.”

“Then stop chopping wood, son. If the fuel pile gets empty, it’s harder to keep stoking the flames.”

It was his own fault for being cryptic in the first place. He deserved that convoluted bit of advice.

“Hell if I know what you just said,” Jesse admitted.

Mike folded his arms, eerily reminiscent of his position earlier that night on the stage, sharing wisdom that had rocked Jesse to the core. “Why’d you run?”

Jesse paused. “You’re not talking about tonight, are you?”

His father shook his head. “I think I know why you left tonight, but I’m shaky on last February.”

There was pain in the words, and Jesse kicked himself all over again. “I’m sorry I left without telling anyone. It was wrong.”

Mike nodded slowly.

He considered saying more. Dare’s warning rang clear, though. The issues were and always had been his alone. He’d been so focused on himself back then—

Dare. Oh my God, he’d done it again.

“Fuck. I abandoned Dare at the damn shower.” He snatched a piece of wood off the ground and hurled it at the woodshed. It bounced off, clattering downward with a crash. “God, I am so fucking stupid. This just confirms to everyone I’m an ass.”

“No one knows.” His dad cleared his throat. “Well, the part about you being an ass tonight. Dare told people you had something to take care of. Marion and I brought her home—they’re doing some kind of womanly bonding ritual while I track you down.”

Relief that she was okay warred with a twisted amusement at his father’s carefully chosen words. “But people still think I’m mostly an ass, just not one tonight?”

“What do you usually act like, son? Can’t blame people for calling a horse a horse.”

Amusement bloomed into full-out derisive laughter. “You’ve never been shy to say it like it is.”

His father’s face tightened. “Wrong. I knew something was up with you for a long time before you left, and I didn’t call you on it soon enough. I’m sorry for that.”

Goddamn, his father was apologizing to him? “You didn’t do anything.”

“That was the trouble. I’m your father, and while I’m not responsible for you like I was when you were a little tyke, I’m always going to be your daddy. That means I should have kicked your ass and helped you fly straight a few years ago. Maybe it would have saved you a world of hurt.”

“Don’t you go blaming my behaviour on yourself,” Jesse warned. “I’m responsible for me.”

Mike nodded. “You are, but that’s my point. I’m responsible for me, and family’s the place where all of us connect. You need some help finding that place? Because we want you, son. We want you in this family, lock, stock and barrel.”

“I’m not proud that I’m going to be a dad,” Jesse confessed, the words rushing from him. “You were talking about that, and it made this sick lump stick in my belly because I’m not proud, and I couldn’t stand another moment watching everyone else soak in your words and nod in agreement when that’s not what I’ve got. Sitting and wishing things were different.”

Wishing that he felt even a bit like what he saw in his brothers’ and cousins’ faces that night.

What he’d seen that morning a week ago in Joel’s eyes as he looked at Vicki.

His father let out a heavy breath. “Well, now. I wondered, but I couldn’t be certain. You and Dare—is that not right, either?”

Jesse shook his head slowly. “I care about her. I’m going to look after her and the baby, but we’re not in love.”

Mike walked to the woodpile and worried a log piece with his foot before lifting his gaze to meet Jesse’s “I can’t make promises, but I don’t see this as an impossible task. For you to fix what’s wrong in your world. I do see it being something you’re going to need to pull up your britches and put your ego aside to get the job done.”

Jesse considered before offering a response. Was his ego getting in the way? Maybe, but hopefully less than before.

He didn’t want to admit it had all been an accident. Dare. The baby.

“I want to be proud.”

His father nodded. “You want to be in love?”

The question stopped him in his tracks. “I don’t know how to answer that.”

Mike took a deep breath. “Okay, leave that one for now. Son, I think you’re getting ahead of yourself. I imagine being the youngest in a big family is a strange place to be. You get to see the journey those ahead of you took, and if you like where they’re going, you just need to follow their lead, right?”

Jesse waited.

His dad stared off into the distance. “Only you need to follow your own path. Even if you like where they’ve ended up, chances are you’ll walk a different road to get there.”

“This sounds like a repeat of your be your own man spiel.”

“Probably, because it’s true.” Mike grinned. “I like to reuse my best material. Saves energy. Six boys, you know.”

In spite of the frustrations Jesse felt inside, in spite of the worry he wasn’t really needed, laughter rose. “Yeah, I might have noticed a time or two.”

Mike slapped him on the shoulder.

“Let’s focus on one issue. You’re not proud because it’s something you’ve accomplished. You’re proud because it’s something you’re privileged to be a part of. Something greater than yourself, that you couldn’t do alone.”

Jesse considered the strength Ashley’d displayed the day Daisy arrived. “Couldn’t give birth—damn straight.”

His dad ignored his comment, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the long strip of paper he’d been peeking at during the baby shower.

He looked at it for a moment before holding it to Jesse.

“You missed the end of my speech. I worked hard on this, so I’d like to give it to you. Don’t worry about it now, but I hope you read it later. I hope you think on it, and if you ever want to talk, my door is open.” He glanced up at the twinkling stars that were blinking into existence as the sky darkened and night fell. “We should get back to the ladies. They’re bound to have a late-night snack on the table—you probably could eat after chopping the equivalent of two men’s work.”

Then he refused to say anything more.

Jesse apologized to Dare when they entered the house, but she brushed it aside, curling up against him and offering a kiss in return. The swell of her stomach was there between them, Buckaroo moving in protest as their bodies connected briefly.

His mom and dad left not too much later. When he came back in the house after walking them out, Dare had disappeared into the washroom, the shower running.

Jesse sat at the kitchen table and pulled out Mike’s speech.

 

Words matter.

A man can buy a field and pay for cattle to live on it, but if that’s all he does, he’s not a rancher. A rancher—I’d make a list, but we all know how much work it takes to make the Coleman land our home. We know with every bone in our aching bodies, at times. Day after day, month after month, year after year. It’s work that makes the difference.

A farmer’s not someone who dumped a bucket of grain in a field then walked away. A man’s not a husband because he said “I do” one fine Saturday afternoon then never saw his wife again.

A man is a father because he planted a seed. He’s a daddy because of everything else he does.

Don’t be a father to your children—be a daddy.

 

Jesse sat in the quiet darkness and let the words sink in. Or more like, he sat there, unable to move. He felt as if he’d been flattened with a heavy rock. His heart pounded and his ears rang, and if he moved too fast he might just fall over.

His dad was so fucking right—no surprise there.

Jesse shoved to his feet and marched into the bedroom in time to see one of his T-shirts fall into place over an otherwise naked woman.

Dare had a hand over her mouth, yawning, as she turned to face him. “Hey. I’m sorry I didn’t wait. I’m so ready to crash, but I want to talk too.”

Jesse pulled the edge of the quilt down and gestured her in. “We can talk in here. I’ll be one sec.”

He hurried, stripping to his briefs and returning as quick as he could after getting ready for bed. Crawling between the covers and reaching for her.

Dare turned toward him, stroking a hand through his hair. “You okay?”

“Maybe.” He took the time to breathe in her scent, all warm and soft and growing more familiar by the day. “Sorry for taking off on you.”

“It’s okay, really.” Her eyes were huge. “Talk to me.”

So much was going through his head at that moment, and some of it he was just starting to get a handle on himself. He wasn’t sure he wanted to even try to voice what he was feeling.

But one thing he could admit. One thing that he wanted her to know. “I don’t regret that we’re here. It took a little while for everything to sink in, but I do want what’s best for the baby.”

“I know you do.” She was all but petting him, fingers twirling in his hair. “I mean that. Maybe you can’t see it, but I can.”

He took a deep breath. “I want to feel proud when Buckaroo arrives.”

Dare frowned.

“You know that expression Blake gets when his girls crowd around him? Or the way that Matt’s face damn near glows when he holds Colt. Hell, I want to look at Buckaroo the way my dad looks at us, his grown-up sons, or at least the way he looks at us when we’re not acting like asses. Like he’s shocked and amused and astonished all at the same time.”

“You don’t think you’re going to look like that?”

He hesitated. “I’m not sure. I don’t think so.”

She nodded slowly. “Okay.”

Silence stretched between them for a moment before Dare spoke again.

“I don’t think it’s my place to tell you how you should feel, so I’m not going to. But can I suggest that maybe you’re a little too close to the situation, and it’s making it hard to see the truth?”

More cryptic comments. Jesse chuckled. “I need to pin a note to my chest that says, Homegrown Cowboy: please use small words.”

Dare pressed her lips against his and kissed him softly. “Small words? Here you go. Tomorrow is another day. Now, cuddle me.”

She awkwardly rolled and curled herself up against him.

“See, that I understood,” he teased, pulling her hips more firmly against him before resting a hand on where Buckaroo was hiding out.

He fell asleep with a million thoughts racing through his mind, and the baby’s motions bumping his palm.