TOMMY

Tara's gone when I wake up, the blanket neatly folded at the foot of the sofa. It's probably for the best she just left quietly, since I have no idea what happened between us last night. Well, nothing actually happened except that she rejected me. But for some reason, my stomach is clenching in nervousness at the thought of running into her later today like I've never felt before with any woman. Except possibly way in the beginning with the first one I had sex with. Those memories are hazy. But it certainly hasn't happened since.

I feel like a total pussy sneaking out the back, but I need to go see Jerry today, get him to transfer and encrypt all these files I have, and I'm already off to a late start.

I get a coffee-to-go from the gas station near Crystal's, and decide to walk to my brother's house where I keep my car, so I can drink it along the way. It's a decision I regret less than a mile into my walk. The sun is beating down, the air hot like it's not barely 11 AM. California's a great place to live, if only it didn't get so hot in the summer. The coffee's scalding hot too, I've already burned my tongue twice trying to drink it.

But all that discomfort fades as I spot Tara jogging down the sidewalk of the street running perpendicular to the one I'm walking down. She hasn't seen me yet, and the nerves from this morning are back in full force. I'm very aware of the fact that I could just keep walking, and she'd never know I was here, but I don't want to do that. I'm kinda enjoying this reaction I have to her. It's fun, and I haven't had any real fun in ages.

So, I stop in the shade cast by the building on the corner, and take another sip of my coffee. Tara's wearing way too much clothing to be jogging in this heat, and her perfect body is completely hidden by the folds of her thick sweatshirt and sweatpants. But I know it's there, and that's enough. She's totally focused on the run, in the zone as they say, seems to have no idea what's around her.

I notice her cheeks are flushed a bright crimson as she draws nearer, a color that reminds me of candy apples.

"Hey, why don't you rest for a bit?" I yell once she's within earshot. "The idea with exercise is to prevent heart attacks, not cause them."

Her bright eyes fix on me and she stops dead mid-leap, landing so awkwardly she barely manages to keep her balance.

"Sorry," I say and walk closer, afraid she twisted her ankle or something. "You OK?"

She's bent double, holding onto her knees and panting. It's such a sexy sound my cock grows half hard just hearing it. I bet her moans would sound even sexier. But her eyes are wary as she straightens up and looks at me. It brings back the unsettling memory of last night and her wild flight away from me.

"You startled me," she says. "I didn't expect to meet anyone here."

She wipes off the sweat from her forehead, slicking back her hair, which is tied up in a bun, revealing the full glory of her undercut. But I could get used to even that nasty haircut of hers. As long as I also could see the sweat glistening on her naked skin. I honestly can't remember the last time I wanted a girl on my cock as much as I want Tara there.

"It's too hot for running," I say. "Especially since you're wearing so much clothes."

She gives me an angry look, her bright blue eyes flashing with lightning striking on a clear sunny day.

"I'm fine," she says. "I mean, you go running in this heat too, don't you?"

Her eyes are gliding down my arms, making my cock grow even harder. I'm only wearing a t-shirt and jeans, since I left the cut at home. The less clues I give Jerry to figure out who I really am, the better. He's already got access to all the incriminating evidence against the MC I've managed to collect. But maybe visiting Jerry can wait another day. I'd much rather spend today getting to know Tara a lot better.

"I'm not much for running, or cardio in general," I say. "It's mostly weights for me."

I actually flex my bicep as I say it, feeling like a total idiot the second I realize I'm doing it. Don't know what it is about her, but she makes me want to strut around like a peacock. I haven't felt the need to do that in years.

"And swimming, when I get the chance," I add, since she's not saying anything. Her pouty lips curl up into the faintest little smile.

"I love swimming," she says, her eyes lighting up like the sun just came up. "Back home, I try to go to the beach most days."

"And where is home?" I ask.

"Oh…LA," she says, yet I heard the pause. I think she's lying, but I don't care. She can lie all she wants, as long as she's talking to me.

"You're not that far away from home then," I say.

She doesn’t say anything to that. I really should've just asked a question, but my mind's completely blank right now. I think her eyes are causing it. They look like two Earths as seen from space, the blue, green, gold and white blending perfectly in her irises. But I've never been struck speechless by a woman before.

"You wanna grab a drink or something? You look like you could use some refreshment."

She blinks, looks down at her sweaty grey sweatshirt, then back up at me. "I should go take a shower."

It's not a hard no; she almost sounds like she wants me to wait while she showers. The thought of her soapy, naked body sends another rush of blood to my cock. I'm actually fully hard right now, and she's not even flirting with me. She's sweating, her face is covered in red patches, she's wearing man-sized exercise clothes, and she has a shaved head. Yet I still want to fuck her like I haven’t wanted to fuck a woman in years. It's bizarre, but then again, it doesn't have to make sense. It just needs to happen.

"Later then," I say and flash her a smile, quite possibly the first genuine one in weeks.

She nods, glancing down the street towards Crystal's, which is also pretty much the only place we could go for a drink around here right now. All the other ones are seedy bars that don't even open until later. Besides I've put off seeing Jerry for too long already.

"Alright, it's a date." I grin at her, but her startled glance as I say it wipes it right off.

She nods, but she's still looking towards Crystal’s.

I let her go after that, but I do look back at her a few times. She's not running, just walking, or more like gliding. The outline of her shapely ass and thighs is more visible from the back, despite the heavy sweats she's wearing. I think I have a chance with her, but I'm not sure. And that just makes me want her more.

* * *

TARA

The run was meant to clear my head, but that backfired spectacularly. I woke up before dawn on Tommy's sofa, and I've been unable to stop fretting over my behavior last night. I made such a fool of myself. And what's worse, I couldn't stop thinking about the feel of his lips against mine, his hard rippling body pressing me against the door, his hands cupping my breasts. It felt good, right, natural, but it also brought such dark memories. Not even clear memories, just feelings of dread, primal fear, sadness, all the stuff I never want to feel again. That I'd do anything to never feel again. Yet, it also felt good, promised better things yet to come. Even just talking to Tommy feels natural and right.

And after our chat on the sidewalk, I'm even more confused about it all than I was this morning. Going back to my little dark room in the attic didn't help, taking a cold shower didn't help, scrubbing all the surfaces in the whole bar area didn't help. The run was my last hope. And even that didn't help.

I've agreed to a date.

But he was joking when he said it. Yet why would he joke? He meant it. And that makes it even worse.

He wants to sleep with me. I see it clearly each time he looks at me. And I'm petrified of that prospect. Because I've never been able to let a man touch me. I always stopped it when it started to happen.

Yet, somehow, the thought of Tommy touching me is exciting, exhilarating. I think I desire it, but I don't really know what desire feels like, so I'm not sure that's it. The whole thing's driving me insane, positively insane. I should just stop thinking. I used to be able to just stop thinking.

A knock on the door makes me leap off the bed, where I've been sitting since I returned from the run. I haven't showered, haven't even taken off my sweaty clothes. Oh God, he saw me sweating like a pig. He was absolutely right about me wearing too much clothes.

The door opens and Lola's head peers in. "There's still some breakfast left, if you want it. Are you alright?"

Her question takes me off guard, but I suppose all those questions racing through my mind must be showing on my face.

"Yeah, sure, I'd love some breakfast," I mutter.

She comes in and closes the door behind her. "I came looking for you before, but you were gone."

"I went for a run," I say, smoothing down the covers of my bed to make it neat again.

She plops down on top of it though, wasting my effort.

"I thought you were still with Tommy." She giggles and it makes her seem very young. Sixteen maybe. She's too young to be working in a place like this. "You're so lucky he let you spend the night in his apartment. He never does that. You must be special."

She giggles again, and I know I'm blushing. "That was just a…I mean…"

She nods like she understands. "I know. I get scared sleeping alone sometimes, so I stay. He never even notices."

And that's just it. Tommy uses all the women here for sex. Even Lola, who's only a child. I can't believe I just spent the whole morning fretting about having feelings for him, when I already figured out exactly what kind of guy he really is. The worst kind. The kind that treats women like they're his toys. The way I acted last night shocked him, and that's why he invited me to spend the night. But that was just my insanity getting the better of me for a minute. I don't think I've ever made a bigger fool of myself in my life.

But now I finally have the clarity I've been so desperately trying to get all morning. And the calm will follow.

"I'll just take a quick shower and then come downstairs," I tell Lola, grabbing some fresh clothes from my suitcase.

She follows me out into the hall.

"What, here?" she asks as I open the door to the small bathroom on this floor. "But the water's cold."

"I don't mind," I say, flipping on the light. "It'll feel nice after the heat outside."

I smile at her, and she returns it.

"You're weird."

She skips down the stairs, and even though she was only joking she's more right than she knows. I am weird. And the part of me that wants to take this shower in Tommy's apartment, even wishes he'd walk in on me again, is the least weird of all.

* * *

TOMMY

"Do you plan on ever telling me what all this is about, Tommy?" Jerry asks when I hand him the USB with the data.

"Just do your thing," I say, and sit on one of the three office chairs he's not occupying, and that's not covered by a pile of his dirty clothes, candy bar wrapper, empty beer cans, and who knows what else. My apartment is clean compared to this hacker lair of his.

He frowns at me, but then gets to work. The only light it the room is the one coming off his four monitors. The windows are covered by thick black cloth, blocking out all the desert sunlight, which would be enjoyable, if it weren't for Jerry's BO and the faint smell of rotting food mixing in the AC-cooled air. I wonder if he even opened the window since summer started.

"Do you ever go outside anymore, Jerry?"

It comes out too harsh, but I swear he's gotten even bigger in the last three weeks since I was here last. He was big when I met him at college three years ago, but he has a triple chin now, and the rolls of fat hanging off his arms and stomach are pretty much covering his entire chair. He's 25 years old, like me, but I don't think he has a lot of years left.

He looks at me over his shoulder, with part anger, part something I can't quite define in his face. Maybe it's a cry for help.

"We can go for a walk or something, after you're done with this," I suggest. Though I'm not even sure how well he can walk with that huge stomach of his.

He pulls out my USB, and hands it to me. "I'm done, so you can stop being rude."

I take the USB and plug it back into the crucifix hanging around my neck. It holds all the data I've collected. Jerry just encrypts it and sends it to some ultra secure server somewhere, but I keep the backup on me at all times. It’s waterproof, so I don't even take it off when I shower.

"I'm not being rude," I say defensively. "I'm just concerned about you. It's not healthy the way you're putting on so much weight."

Back in college I tried to help him lose some of it. And it worked for awhile, but it clearly hasn't taken.

"What also might not be healthy is me having access to all this secret encrypted data you keep bringing over," he snaps.

I hope he hasn't been looking at any of it. Apparently it's password protected, so only I have access, but he is a hacker. The system I asked Jerry to set up for me is very simple. I bring him the evidence, he stores it in a cloud, and if I don't call a certain number every four days, all the data gets sent to every law enforcement agency that is even remotely interested in the MCs criminal operations. It's my insurance for when I leave, and I'll make damn sure Shade understands he's going away for life if he tries to track me down and kill me after I do.

Jerry knows it's important stuff, he just doesn’t know what it is. Though sometimes I selfishly hope that maybe he does, that maybe he's sneaked a peek. Jerry knowing all about it would give me another layer of protection when I leave. But it could also get him killed.

"You haven't been snooping around in it, have you?" I ask just to make sure.

He shakes his head. "No, I keep my word."

I know he wants me to tell him, but I can't. He doesn’t know who I really am, and it's too late now to change that. But he's a good friend, one of my best friends, and lying to him bothers me a lot. Collecting all this evidence against the MC and threatening to expose it all to the cops bothers me a lot too. Yet I see no other way. Some shit just has to be lived with. I learned that lesson a long time ago.

I get up and push the chair under one of his computer desks. "How about that walk now?"

"Nah, it's too hot," he says, swiveling his chair to face me. It groans under his weight. "How about a beer?"

I almost say no, since a beer is the last thing he needs, but I shrug and nod instead. Though I'd kinda rather be getting back to Crystal's, and having a beer with Tara instead.

* * *

TARA

I spent the last few hours just hanging out with Ava, Lola and Simone. Playing with the kittens, talking and generally succeeding at not thinking at all. I'm not part of their little group, so I mostly listen. It's a lot like at the shelter, only I have to rein myself in from asking too many questions, or trying to counsel them. I'm succeeding for the most part, but that counselor role is so ingrained in me after all these years of working at the shelter, that Simone is already casting me glances that suggest she's wondering who I really am. Like she thinks I might not be just some woman down on her luck, passing through town. I've been racking my brain over how to ask them if they ever saw my sister here, show them the photos, but I don't think it's the right time yet, they still don't trust me enough. And that look from Simone just proved it.

"When do we open tonight?" I ask at just past three.

Yesterday the club opened at eight, and Crystal was here before then, setting everything up. I haven't seen her at all today.

"We don't," Lola says and screeches as the kitten she's playing with bites her finger.

"What do you mean?"

"It's Sunday," Simone explains. "We're closed on Sundays and personally, I love having a day off. We have to work so much more now that there’s only the three of us here. And I get one night of rest from that creep that comes to all my shows."

"You have a stalker?" I blurt out before thinking better of it. Simone looks at me sharply, but Ava and Lola both start giggling.

"Not a stalker, just some guy who's in love with her," Ava explains. "And Simone likes him too, even though she pretends not to."

"I do not," Simone says, closing her arms over her chest. "He's old."

"He's only like forty-something," Ava says. "And he’s fit. You should give him a chance. Don't you want to get away from this place?"

Simone gives her a sharp look. Ava shrugs sadly and starts checking over her nails. I have the strongest urge to give her a hug, and I don't get that a lot. I hear so many sad stories at my job, I've grown resistant to them. Compassion fatigue, they call it. I'm not proud of it, but it's part of the job.

"But it's true that only the weirdoes come to the show on Sundays," Lola says. "The rest stay at home thinking about God. So we stay closed, it's better that way."

She's not giggling anymore, and I know that look on her face. She's met some weirdoes in her life. I have too, and I don't like to be reminded. But I never thought God had a big place in the lives of men who come to places like this.

The back door swings open just as I'm about to make a comment to that effect, and Tommy walks in. I'm struck speechless and breathless, and I don't even fully know why. Probably because his eyes are fixed on me like I'm the only one in the room.

"Where have you been all day, Tommy?" Lola asks.

"That's none of your business," he says and finally looks away, so I can breathe again.

He said it pretty harshly, cementing my knowledge that he's just a brute looking for an easy lay. But the girls don't seem bothered by it, just start chattering again, so why am I?

He goes behind the bar and starts fiddling with the coffee machine like we're not even here. I turn away and try to join the conversation, but they're talking about someone I don't know.

"How about we go for a swim?" Tommy asks, startling me. He's standing right next to me, and I didn't hear him approach. His eyes are fixed on my face, like he's asking just me.

"Oh, yes, let's go!" Lola shrieks, jumping to her feet. "We haven't gone swimming in ages."

She's vibrating that's how excited she is, but Tommy's still looking only at me.

"I don't know," I say over the thick lump in my throat. "I don't have a bathing suit."

"A t-shirt will do," Tommy says. "Or just a bra."

He's grinning at me, letting me know he'd really like to see me naked, but what really gets me is that I want him to.

"Nonsense," Ava says and gets up. "I'll lend you a bathing suit. You look like you're about my size."

Ava has the most womanly body I've ever seen, all soft curves and milky skin.

"She is," Tommy assures her, winking at me, and all this feels like a really bad idea all of a sudden. I can't let him touch me or kiss me, my messed up mind won't allow that. And I made that clear to him last night. Didn't I? So why is he winking at me?

Ava and Lola already left to get ready, only Simone is still here. And I'm glad for it, because otherwise I'd be alone with Tommy.

"You getting ready, Simone?" Tommy asks her.

But she shakes her head, her face very hard. "I have to do my nails today."

Maybe I should say I have to do my nails too and get out of this. But I almost never do my nails, and I kind of want to go.

Ava returns and hands me a bathing suit. Once I see it, I do almost make an excuse. It's a hot pink, skimpy bikini that I'd never even consider trying on in a store, let alone wear in public. But it's too late for excuses. I just won't put it on, and I won't go in the water.

"We can take my car," I suggest, because I always need a way out. I need to know I can leave at any time, that I have a clear exit.

"Sure," Tommy says. "But I'm driving."

He sticks out his hand for the keys, and I swallow the argument I was about to make. Because I doubt I'd get very far against his stern, commanding tone. And I don't even really want to try. A part of my mind is very certain that it's alright to let him drive.