TARA

I was asleep when Tommy returned last night. But he did wake me up before he left this morning, with gentle kisses that went further than yesterday. But still not far enough. Though I wanted them too, I just couldn't.

He promised we'd have tonight all to ourselves. So I need to go shopping. I can't wear my old high school clothes anymore, and I can't keep borrowing stuff from Ava. I also need a real bra. Ava's bikini top works, but it just isn't enough, and I'm not wearing that elastic bandage ever again. My skin's still all chaffed from it from that trek down to the lake.

I knock on Ava's door, find her and Lola curled up on her bed, giggling over something.

"So," I say, smiling at them. "I was thinking I need to do some shopping. Want to join me?"

Lola jumps off the bed, clapping her hands. "Ooo, a shopping trip. I'm in."

Ava gets off the bed too. "We could go to the mall. Or maybe that fancy new Galleria." She draws out the word in a mocking way. "Though that place is super expensive, I hear."

"Let's go there," I say without thinking. I'm supposed to be a broke, down on her luck woman, not someone who goes shopping at the most expensive store in town. But I want some nice clothes. I want to look good for Tommy tonight.

Sam always made fun of me for hiding myself behind oversized clothes, saying what a waste it was. She'd be proud of me now. The second I think of her, all the elation I felt seconds ago just disappears, washed away by the river of icy water the thought brings. I came here looking for her, and I've done none of that. Instead I've just selfishly followed my desire to be with Tommy, forgot all about Sam.

"Are we going or what?" Lola asks.

No, I didn't forget about her. I'll tell him tonight. He'll help me find her, I'm sure. I try not to think about how he might be the one keeping her locked up as I follow the girls out to my car. He's not like that. I know he isn't.

By the time we're driving I almost manage to convince myself of it completely. But underneath all the soft kisses, the loving touches, he's still a criminal. Someone dangerous. Someone to fear.

* * *

We've been shopping for hours, but I still only have a few pairs of jeans and a couple of tees picked out. It's all exactly the same as the clothes I already have back home. Not too tight, not to revealing, just normal.

"How about this one?" Ava asks, holding up a lilac wraparound summer dress. "It would look amazing on you."

The fabric is too thin and way too stretchy. This dress would hide none of my curves. "I don't know."

"Come on, just try it on," she says, shoving it into my arms.

"And maybe these jeans too," she says, picking up a pair with large holes at the knees.

"OK, sure," I mutter.

Maybe this is exactly what I need. Someone else picking out clothes for me. Then maybe I wouldn’t dress like a grandma all the time. Sam's words, not mine.

"Any other suggestions?" I hear myself say. If she's not here, I can at least honor her this way. By living, being carefree, like she tried to convince me to be for so long. I always avoided going shopping with her, because she'd always want me to get sexy things. And I'm so sorry about that now. So sorry I brushed her off, never listened to her suggestions, because I was always right and she was always wrong.

I leave the store with five large shopping bags full of clothes I'd never buy for myself. Clothes Sam would want me to buy. But all that euphoria is fading fast as we make our way to my car across the scorching parking lot. I should be looking for her, not doing things in her memory like she's already gone forever.

"That cost a fortune," Lola says as we get in the car. "I wish I had that much money to spend."

Lola says it with all the innocence of a teenager, but Ava's not that naïve, and she’s looking at me from the corner of her eye, awaiting my explanation for it. I didn't think before I whipped out my gold card to pay for it all. Not having money was never a problem for me, there's millions in my trust fund. And that's on top of the more than generous allowance my dad wires me every month. I'd like to think of it as guilt money, but that man is incapable of feeling guilty. I've tried to get him to stop giving me money more than once, but that ten thousand is there in my account on the first of every month like clockwork.

"I sold everything I owned before coming here," I lie. "And the money just came through yesterday."

Ava glances at me like she doesn't believe a word I just said, but doesn't challenge me.

"But you're staying with us, right?" Lola asks, bouncing in the back seat. "For awhile longer, at least. I really like you. I don't want to lose another friend so soon."

I look back at her, almost swerve onto the sidewalk. "Who was your friend that left?"

Please let it be Samantha. Please.

"Tabitha. But she left after just a couple of weeks," Lola says looking up as though trying to remember. "And then there was Rhonda, and Gwen was nice too."

"Gwen was such a bitch," Ava snorts.

"She was alright, her and Simone were really close," Lola says. "But she did steal all that money. And then last year there were Betty and Melanie, I wonder what happened to them."

She keeps talking, but I'm no longer listening. I already knew Sam was never at Crystal’s, so why am I so sad right now, why do I feel so hopeless? That stripper might not have seen her at all. Maybe Sam really just met some guy and ran away with him, like the cops keep suggesting. I hope she did.

* * *

I changed five times before I finally decided to wear a flowery wraparound dress. Ava picked it out, but it's not as tight as the other ones I bought, or as revealing. And I paired it with a jean jacket, which hides what the dress doesn't, though I still wish I just wore jeans and a tee-shirt. Even despite the look I got from Tommy when he picked me up. It was all desire, no dirtiness, and exactly how I want to be looked at from now until eternity.

He took me to a quaint little rustic restaurant on a hilltop outside town. We finished dinner awhile ago and now we're just watching the sunset and finishing our drinks. The sky's lilac and white, the sun long gone behind another set of rolling hills in the distance. I can't stop thinking about Sam, haven’t been able to since I left the mall. I'm so selfish for not telling Tommy right away. But I just don't want our closeness, this healing bond between us to ever end. And end it will, as soon as I tell him. There can be no other way. He makes money off prostitutes. And Sam is probably just one in a long line of many.

"What's on your mind, Tara?" he asks.

He's been looking at me questioningly, wondering this same thing for awhile now. I saw it clearly, but I ignored it. It's time though.

He's fiddling with his napkin as he looks at me, waiting for an answer. I take his hand, going for one last touch, would prefer it to be a kiss, but I'll take what I can get. It's time.

"I didn't come to Crystal's because I needed a job," I say, watch his eyes narrow. "And I'm not running from anything either."

I pause, unsure how to continue, hoping he'll say something. But why would he?

"So you're telling me you came here under false pretenses?" he says, not sounding angry at all. In fact he grins, of all things. "Who hasn't?"

"You're not mad that I lied?" I ask, completely taken aback.

He brings his hands from under mine, and grips it in both of his. "You didn't tell me anything about your life, Tara, so you didn't exactly lie. But you can tell me something now. I'd love to know everything about you."

I gasp, his words filling me with such hope, such happiness it's almost like I just found Sam. Almost.

"I work as a counselor at a women's shelter in San Sebastian, and I'm here looking for my sister who went missing about nine months ago." I say it fast, don't want to stop now that the words are finally flowing. "A woman at the shelter told me she saw her at your club at Christmas. So I came here looking for her."

He frowns at me, his grip on my hands relaxing. "She's the girl in that photo you dropped? I haven't seen her at Crystal's."

"The woman said she saw her at some place called the Viper's Nest," I admit.

He lets go of my hand, leaning back in his chair and exhaling loudly.

This is it. Now he'll tell me to get lost. Or maybe…but no, Tommy would never hurt me.

"Saw her like how?" he asks. "Partying?"

His eyes are very serious as he waits for my answer.

"She said she saw her brought in. It didn't sound like that was a good thing." It sounded like she was there against her will. But what if she wasn't? What if Sam was just there to party? I suddenly don't know anything anymore. Except that I want Tommy to stop looking at me with those serious eyes. I want him to smile at me, tell me everything is alright, that no one from his MC harmed Sam, because he'd know and he wouldn’t allow it.

"So you think she was trafficked?" he asks instead, his words hitting me like boulders flung directly at my chest.

I shrug. "Yes, that's what I fear happened."

He nods, but doesn’t say anything more, just waves the waitress over to pay. His silence is scaring me, fear so strong, so black rising inside me I can hardly see anymore. But he wouldn't hurt me. I know he wouldn't, and he sounded sad when he asked me if I think Sam was trafficked. Not mad at me, just sad. But what if he's sad because now he can't be with me anymore, because I know too much?

"Let's get out of here," he says, pocketing the change and getting up, offering me his hand.

I take it, let him lead me out of the restaurant. The parking lot is dark and deserted, the cricket song and gravel crunching under our feet the only sound around us.

I should be afraid, because he could be taking me anywhere right now. We came here on his bike, and there are only hills, woods and fields between here and town for miles and miles. It's almost dark. I should be afraid, because even if I run away, I might not make it. But I'm not afraid. Because whatever happens, at least I had these last few days with Tommy. At least I now know I'm not as broken and damaged as I thought, and at least I get to hold his hand a little while longer.

He stops once we reach his bike, lets go of my hand and cups my cheeks gently. "I'll find her for you, if she's here. But the MC hasn't dealt in prostitutes for over ten years, I doubt that woman saw your sister. Especially not at Christmas."

The cold fear forcing it's way into my mind is completely blown away by the warmth of hope his words bring. I throw my arms around his waist, hugging him tighter than I ever hugged anyone, even my sister. Tommy wouldn't harm me, and he'll never let me down willingly. I felt it before, and I know it now.