TARA

It's been over a week since Tommy started looking for Sam, but he's had no luck. He's still trying to convince me he'll find her, but I don't think either of us believes that anymore. Losing hope sucks, it hurts and angers me, but the pain isn't as pronounced as it would have been before I came here.

These last few weeks with Tommy have cleansed me. I feel as though I'm finally recovering after a long illness, kind of like I'm getting over a flu, only the sense of healing is so much stronger, so much better than that. I'm still not quite there yet, still get overwhelmed by my dark memories sometimes, but those times are fewer and farther between now, and the darkness is growing less threatening, less consuming all the time. It's hard to feel despair amid all that joy and healing.

Tommy's been coming to see me during the day too lately, just to steel a few kisses before he sets out again. He told me not to expect him today, but I can't help it. I am expecting him, keep glancing at the back door hoping to see him walk through as I wipe down the tables with the lemon scented disinfectant.

The door opens, and I look up again, butterflies fluttering in my stomach. But Crystal walks in, a very hard expression on her face. She's followed by Simone and— My breath hitches in my throat as I see the woman who told me to look for my sister here walk into the bar. She closes the door behind them, hasn't noticed me yet. But she does as she turns, her eyes fixing squarely on me.

"You can have your old room back, Gwen," Crystal is telling her, sounding very stern. "But this is your last chance here. And the money you stole is coming out of your paychecks until it's all paid off. Is that clear?"

Gwen finally looks away from me, and nods sheepishly, looking down at the floor. "I'm so sorry for that, Crystal. I had it so good here. I don't know what possessed me to steal money from you and run away."

Crystal grumbles something incoherent, but her expression visibly softens.

"You're working tonight, so you might as well get some rest now," she says, and Gwen nods so enthusiastically you'd think she just got the staring role in some blockbuster movie.

Crystal gives her another stern look, then walks over to me and hands me an unsealed white envelope.

"What's this?" I ask, wiping my hands on my jeans before taking it.

"Your pay for the last couple of weeks."

I don't want to take it, but I see no way to refuse that won't look suspicious, so I just pocket it without checking how much is inside. I'll give it back to her before I leave, once I finally come clean about my real reason for being here. And maybe I should do that right now, because Gwen and Simone are huddled together by the bar, Simone's mouth and eyes very wide each time she glances at me. I'm sure she's telling Simone all about who I really am, so I should just tell Crystal right now before they do.

I can't believe it never occurred to me some woman from the shelter where I work could come here and expose my lies. Thank God I at least told Tommy, because I certainly missed my chance with Crystal. She's already heading out the door and I can't very well go running after her without looking like an idiot.

Gwen and Simone are both glaring at me now, Simone especially. She hasn't been very friendly these last few weeks, and I assume it's because of Tommy and me. I've been trying to smooth things over with her, but haven't gotten very far.

"You know Gwen, don't you, Tara?" Simone asks, approaching me slowly with Gwen in tow. I could just lie, deny it all. But I've never been any good at lying. Yet I can't quite bring myself to admit it either.

"She's been telling me an interesting story," Simone continues. "All about how you're some do-good social worker looking for your sister."

"Please don't tell anyone else," I hear myself saying.

"Yeah, Simone," Gwen says, looking from me to her, her face kinda pinched like she's regretting saying anything. "I don't want any trouble with Crystal."

"Relax," Simone says. "Crystal hates liars and cheats almost as much as I do."

I could point out that Crystal just took Gwen back after she stole money from her, because she's a kind and caring woman who understands that sometimes people just do what they gotta do. But I don't want to piss off Simone even more.

"I just want to find my sister," I say. "She's been missing for more than nine months. And Gwen said she saw her here, so that's why I came looking for her."

"After I expressly warned you not to," Gwen puts in, then turns to Simone. "Come on, leave her be. It's her life, she's not doing you any harm."

But Simone is still glaring at me, anger the only emotion in her light blue eyes.

"Does Tommy know?" she barks.

I almost say yes right away, because I want to put her in her place, make her back off. I'm not hurting her in any way. Except that I took Tommy away from her. But he was never hers. Yet that's what this is all about. He hasn't even spoken to any of the others much since I moved into his apartment, and I know that because I've jealously watched him interact with them so closely I'm ashamed of it.

"Yeah, didn't think so," she says, chuckling. But it's a hollow, mirthless sound. "I wonder how he'll take it. Not too well, I'm guessing."

"Don't tell him, OK?" I hear myself say, but it's more of a command than a plea.

He's out looking for Sam every day, and I'm sure he's doing it in secret, and that no one from the MC knows about it. He hasn't said as much, just told me not to worry about it when I asked, but I can't imagine any of the other members would be too happy about his plan to find and free one of their prostitutes. I can't reveal that secret. Especially not to Simone. She's too vindictive.

"He deserves to know, don't you think?" Simone says smugly, like she'd already won.

"I'll tell him myself," I snap. "Just butt out of this, Simone. It's none of your business."

"You think you're special just because he's fucking you every night?" she says grinning widely in disbelief. "Wake up, woman. You're just a new toy for him. But he'll tire of you soon enough. I've known him on and off for years, and I can guarantee that's how this affair of yours will end."

I’m so angry right now, I can’t see straight. It's not true what she's saying, I know that. She's just trying to rile me up. I know Tommy really cares about me, it's clear in every kiss, every hug, every look we share.

"He'll discard you soon enough," she says. "Probably right after he learns you've lied to him."

I can barely stop myself from hitting her. I'm shaking from the effort.

Gwen has been standing perfectly still during this whole exchange, but she moves now, wraps her arm under Simone's. "Let's go get a drink, Simone. This will all work itself out on its own," she says. "And I have so much more to tell you."

"You just mark my words, Tara," Simone says warningly. "Your little fairytale will be over very soon."

But thankfully she lets Gwen lead her out of the room. She's wrong about Tommy and me, but the dread of returning to my old life, the one before Tommy in it, that she conjured up with her jealous words is very real. And those memories are swarming my mind, vivid like I'm living them right now.

* * *

TOMMY

I start sweating the moment I enter Jerry's air-conditioned lair, since it's so fucking hot outside it's hard to breathe. I don't know what's happening with the weather, but two weeks ago I was freezing my ass off in the rain, and now I'm dying from the heat.

"Back again already?" Jerry asks in mock surprise, swiveling his chair to face me. His mom let me in, like she always does. I don't think he leaves this room much. On a day like today, I don't blame him. He'd probably have a heart attack before he took two steps outside.

"Yeah." I remove a keyboard and a dirty plate off the chair next to him and sit. "I need your help again."

"Do you now?" he asks, his voice full of meanings. But I can't answer his questions.

Besides, today's visit has nothing to do with the MC stuff, and I don't even know how to ask for his help on this one. I ran out of whorehouses to check two days ago. Tara's sister isn't anywhere for me to find, but I can't bring myself to tell her that. Not yet. Not after she's been so happy, so carefree these last few days. I can't bring myself to dash her hopes. I just can't.

But I can do something else for her. I can make sure her father never hurts her, or anyone else ever again. She'd never be able to live with herself knowing I killed him, which is still my number one wish. I might even hate him more than I hate my own father, and that's saying a lot.

But there's ways to fuck up a man's life without killing him. And if this fails, I can just break his neck or something, make him a fucking tetraplegic.

"I need you to do some more of that dark internet magic for me and find some dirt on someone," I say.

The main reason I befriended Jerry in college was because he's an awesome hacker. I'm not proud of that, but we grew close since, so maybe that makes up for it.

"You know, like you did with the new sheriff a year ago," I add since he's just staring at me, not saying anything.

I really hit the jackpot with the sheriff. The man has a big secret, one he can't afford getting out, and he's left the MC in peace ever since I told him I knew. I'm hoping getting dirt on Tara's father will be even easier.

"It's not another law enforcement official you want me to spy on, is it?" Jerry asks. "Because that kinda stuff carries a hefty prison sentence."

The surge of guilt for involving him in all of this makes me nauseas. But I pay him very well for his service. I think he can probably spend the rest of his life in this room playing video games on just the money I paid him so far.

"This is different," I say. "I want you to find something on Vincent Di Marco."

"Whoa, you don't mean the Hollywood producer? That Di Marco?" Jerry says.

"That's him." I'm not proud of myself for checking Tara's ID while she slept to get her last name. Feel very icky over Googling her until I was certain her father was in fact one of the biggest producers currently working in Hollywood.

"I've seen like all of his movies," Jerry says. I have too. He produces action movies, all blockbusters. But I'm never watching another one of his movies ever again. "What's he done to you?"

"It's not exactly what he's done to me." Though it kinda feels like he has. "But he's hurt a woman I care a lot about, and I want him to pay."

Jerry squints at me, probably because I said I cared about a woman, and he thinks I'm lying. But I've never been more truthful in my life.

"He's a child molester," I say, balling my hands into fists until they start shaking. "Likes raping little girls."

"No way," Jerry says. "You're shitting me."

I shake my head. "I want you to find what you can on him. Get me enough dirt so I can bury him."

Jerry is still staring at me, but the disbelief in his face is shifting to something resembling anger. "You're sure about this?"

I nod. "Positive."

He runs his hand through his hair, then bumps the mouse so the computer screen flickers to life.

"These pedophiles cover their tracks very well," he says, powering up some program on the screen. "But if there's something to find, I'll find it. I'll get back to you in a couple of days."

"Could you just check now?" I ask.

"Nah," Jerry says. "It's gonna take awhile, and I like to work in peace. But I'll work on only this now. Nothing else, I promise you. I fucking hate child molesters."

I'd hoped to get all the dirt on Tara's father today, so I could drive down to LA and confront him with it. I make a few more attempts to convince Jerry to let me wait while he searches, but he won't be swayed.

So I have the whole day in front of me now, and nothing to do. I could go visit Ian in prison. Maybe he even knows about some whorehouse I don't. But I still haven't decided if I'm gonna tell him about the baby or not. My policy when it came to Sara and Ian's on and off relationship was to stay the fuck out of it, and maybe this baby secret falls into that category too. And besides, I'd so much rather spend the day with Tara.

* * *

The parking lot behind Crystal's is baking in the heat when I pull out, the sunlight so bright it's blinding. I just want to get Tara and take her to the lake, spend the rest of the day enjoying her presence and her closeness. I hope Jerry finds something good on her father. Then she can finally close that chapter of her life for good. She needs that kind of closure, else she'll never be truly happy. Even if she doesn’t realize that yet. But she's holding on to those memories to fuel her anger and that's just not healthy. I know, I did the same thing for years.

"Got a second, Tommy?" Simone asks from the stairwell leading up to the second floor.

She's been casting me very angry glances, since Tara and me began dating, but she's all smiles and fluttering eyelashes now.

"Sure, what is it?" I ask.

"Not here," she says. "Follow me."

She leads me back outside into the heat. But this won't take long. I won't let it. She tried to come on to me a few times in the beginning, but I put a stop to that firmly.

"I don't even know how to tell you this," she says, but I can tell she's lying. She can't wait to tell me. Simone is the worst liar.

"Just say it," I snap.

"Tara hasn't been completely honest with you," she says. "With any of us, really."

No one's been more honest with me than Tara. Not ever in my life.

"She came here looking for her missing sister. She’s probably setting us all up to bring the cops down on us soon," Simone says, all the coyness gone from her eyes.

She's looking at me with a triumphant expression on her face. I suddenly realize she's expecting me to thank her, tell her what a good job she's done. And maybe I should. The less people that know about Tara's true reason for being here, the better. But I can't stand anyone talking shit about Tara. Especially not conniving little Simone.

"You should stay out of things that don't concern you. I'll handle this and you keep your mouth shut about it." I bark, even succeed in making her blink in fear. "Do I make myself clear?"

I've never spoken to her like this in all the years that we've known each other. She's already recovered from the initial shock of it though, is glaring at me with pure defiance. "You already knew, didn't you? Oh my God, are you helping her find her sister?"

"None of this is your business, Simone."

"What’s Shade gonna say about this?" she asks bitingly. "I'm betting he doesn't know."

"I'm warning you, Simone. Stay out of it, for your own good."

But she won't be doing that. I can see it clearly in her eyes. She's mad, and she'll do anything to drive Tara away. But going to Shade with this…I hope that's just an empty threat. I hope she's smart enough not to even consider it. For her sake and mine too. And especially for Tara's.

"This is MC business and I'm dealing with it," I say as menacingly as I can. "Shade already knows."

She seems taken aback by my tone, and I can literally see her brain working as she tries to reason it out and decide whether I'm lying or not. She's smart, she'll come to the right decision. I'm done talking to her.

If she goes to Shade with this, the fragile web of trust I've managed to weave between us in these last few days will be gone, and he'll probably be right back to trying to kill me. It's time to leave. And Tara's coming with me.

* * *

I find Tara sitting on the sofa, hugging her knees and staring out the window, seemingly mesmerized by what she's observing. Though seeing as there's only a row of dumpsters there, I can't see how that can be.

"So, it seems Simone knows why you're really here," I say, all the anger I felt just a moment ago dissolving now that I'm finally with Tara. She has this effect on me, where she makes me think everything will work out, and that nothing is as bad as it seems.

She turns her head slowly. Her face is as white as the walls, her expression just as blank. "Yes, she does. Gwen told her. She was the one who said Samantha was here in the first place."

Her voice is toneless, matches the expression on her face. Though her eyes are filled with lighting.

I take a step toward her, but stop again before I reach her. She hasn't moved at all to welcome me. Actually, she wrapped her arms around her knees tighter.

"I'll take care of it, don't worry." But I say it harshly, not reassuringly as I meant to. Rejection pisses me off more than most things do. Shade says it's because I was spoiled as a child. But right now, it's because I want to hold Tara so bad my stomach actually hurts.

"Yeah, like you'll take care of finding my sister for me. And fix everything else that's wrong with me, right?" she snaps, finally releasing her legs and sitting normally.

"I will find your sister." Though the words just sound hollow now, even as I say them. I might never be able to deliver on that promise, but I'm sure as fuck not gonna admit that to her now that she’s angry at me. "What brought all this on?"

"You haven't yet," she says, glaring at me and ignoring my question. "And come to think of it, finding her isn't exactly in your best interest if she was trafficked by your MC. I mean, you'd be risking jail time if she’s freed and talks to the cops, wouldn't you?"

She's absolutely right. And I have no answer to give her right now, not where anyone could easily overhear it. Simone might be listening at the door. The fact that Tara's not in my arms, letting me kiss her, that she's sitting on the edge of the couch, stiff as a board and glaring at me, accusing me of all these things, is pissing me off in ways I didn't even know I could get mad in.

"That's all very true, Tara," I say harshly, letting way too much of that anger into my voice. "I'm a criminal. Would you prefer it if we just called this whole thing off?"

No way her answer can be yes. But I think she's very close to saying it, and it pisses me off even more.

"Am I stupid and naïve for believing you…believing all the things you promised me?" she says, still perfectly calm and collected, anger flashing in her eyes. "Was all that just so I'd let you fuck me…like a challenge or something."

Yeah, it was a fucking challenge. It still is. But even in my anger addled state I know saying that would be a huge mistake.

"I realize you've been through a lot in your life, and that it's made you very angry," I say, way too coldly. "But maybe you can start to recognize a good thing when you see it now."

"What? You mean letting you fuck me?"

"Fuck you?" I snap. "When have we actually fucked? We wouldn't even be having this conversation if we'd done that."

That came out all wrong, but I don't know how to fix it. What to say so I don't make this worse. My anger at her is fading fast. I don't want to be angry at Tara. Ever.

She shakes slightly at my harsh tone, blinking hard, her face no longer blank. It's sad and confused now. She’s like this fragile little bird trying to fly, but can’t because she’s locked in this cage made of anger and pain she won’t let go of. The last traces of my own anger just vanish, replaced by a painful desire to comfort her, care for her, love her. And it's so foreign, yet so strong I'm actually trying to conjure all that anger back, because at least that's familiar. I know how to deal with that. But this, this could kill me if she says goodbye now.

She's still looking at me, but the lightning flashes in her eyes have subsided to a steady, relentless downpour of grey rain. It looks like it'll never end, not until it just washes everything away and there's nothing left.

"I love you, Tara." I never expected to nor planned to say those words to a woman. I never actually said them to anyone, unless maybe to my mom and I don't remember it. But they just roll off my tongue, or from the bottom of my heart more like, and I mean it completely, it's the most true statement I've ever made, and probably ever will make again.

There's still rain in her eyes as she looks at me, but it's abating, tiny rays of sunshine filtering through.

She stands, takes a tentative step towards me, but changes her mind. The silence is so absolute it's like everyone else just died in some apocalypse or something, and we're the only people left in the world. A lot depends on what she says next, more than I'm willing to admit. My sanity chief among it.

"I…I…" she stammers, but then squares her shoulders and looks directly at me. "I love you too, Tommy."

I grab her and kiss her, pouring all my relief, all my passion for her, all that I never thought I'd ever feel for a woman into that kiss. And she returns it in kind, letting go completely for the first time. It's as though a wall comes crashing down between us, and we're finally standing victorious in the rubble.

"How about we start this over?" I ask later. "I thought we could go down to the lake, since it's fucking hot out today."

She looks up at me, nothing but bright sunshine in her eyes now. "Yes, that's a fantastic idea."