Kellan
“It’s going to be awhile,” my brother sighs from the doorway of his wife’s hospital room.
Another perk of living at the palace is when something goes wrong, we have an entire wing set up to treat it. When I landed on my arm after an impromptu horseback riding contest, being hauled off a couple minutes over beat the hell out of waiting to be taken to the actual hospital and having to wait to see a physician. Plus, I’m convinced we have better pain meds.
He strolls towards the chair I’m waiting in. “Her progress is very slow at this point.”
“Is that because something is wrong? Is it because the baby is early?”
“Not that early,” Kris corrects, dropping down into the seat beside me. “And according to the books I’ve read and the lecture the doctor gave me a few moments ago, sometimes these things go very slowly.”
“How slowly?”
“Some women are in labor for up to twenty four hours.”
My face morphs into a mortified expression.
“Exactly!”
“Bloody hell…”
“It’s insane.”
I shake my head. “Can’t imagine trying to push something out of my body for twenty four hours…Hell..hours period.”
“Seems like evolution would’ve invented an easier system by now.”
“My thoughts precisely.”
He attempts to smile. “On the positive side, Soph seems fine at this moment. They’ve given her something, but at this time it’s pretty much a waiting game. She refuses to even have me call her parents until we have an actual child in our hands.”
“Where’s father?”
“He prefers to wait like they did in the 50s, with a glass of brandy and a good cigar in his office.” Kris tips his head towards the exit. “You can go if you like. You don’t have to stay. I’m sure you have business to attend. We can ring you like everyone when the baby has arrived.”
A sharp pang pumps in my chest. “You think…You think I would miss being here to see my niece or nephew born for work?”
He shrugs. “What else am I supposed to think?”
His attitude as well as his words crack my jaw.
“You’ve made it very very clear the most important thing to you right now is getting Hannah’s Hope off the ground. Why would I have any indication something like this would outrank that?”
“Because you’re my bloody brother!”
“And you’ve been ignoring your bloody wife!”
No need to hum your agreement.
I divert my eyes to the ground.
A surprisingly long lull occurs before Kris quietly speaks, “Let me ask you something, little brother. Do you see kids in your future?” When I lift my head to give him my attention, he adds, “As in your own. As in ones Brie was kind enough to bare for you?”
It’s a question I’ve actually begun to deliberate more seriously on the daily. Between the ceaseless amount of paperwork, phone calls, and meetings, my mind isn’t given the smallest sliver of time to wonder about my future as I plan for so many others. When we were engaged and we discussed having them it seemed like an automatic response to say yes. When she was at the alter and our vows were being said, it was an absolutely. But now? Now that I can’t even manage to make it to fucking lunch on time? Now that I can’t seem to recall without assistance what’s going on in the world outside of Hannah’s Hope? It seems unfair. Not to me, but her. To them. To have Brie and my future child or children live with my endless divided attention is wrong. Beyond bloody selfish.
My lack of response causes Kristopher to nod. “You may not have the answer to the question now, which is fine. Honestly. Some people know right away, some people need time, and some people don’t realize how much they want them until they’re holding their own. However, if you do, I truly hope that Brie is still around to give them to you.”
His words strike anger as well as panic. “A few missed meals aren’t cause for divorce, Kristopher. That’s a bit melodramatic, even for you.”
The bemusement on his face is frightening. “Is that really all you think you’ve missed?”
“Kris….” Soph calls.
“Coming!” He promptly pops onto his feet leaving the question to linger in his wake.
Guilt sinks me further into my seat.
Just…Just a few meals and the first day of our friend’s vacation. Well, I guess first two since I missed most of today. I haven’t missed anything else…Have I? She hasn’t been forgetting to tell me things, has she? Or has she been telling me and because of my tunnel vision I can’t seem to remember what they were?
His implication bounces around my brain so viciously my other senses barely register when I’m no longer alone.
Brie softly questions, “Any news on the baby?”
I try to shake away the disorientation my brother caused and let my eyes meet hers. “Not really. Slow start.”
She simply nods.
“Are Jovi and Merrick, alright?”
“Oh yeah,” she brushes off, leaning to one side of her chair and letting her arm rest on the edge.
“Birth of the next in line for the crown, probably isn’t what they imagined would take place on their tour of the country, huh?”
For the first time in what feels like ages, she lightly snickers. “Probably not.”
I move my hand to connect to hers, but she swiftly pulls away, folding it in her lap.
That’s a new level of anger. Can’t honestly remember a time when I wasn’t allowed to touch her.
“Do they have everything they need for the evening? Are they crushed we won’t be having dinner out tonight?”
Brie shakes her head. “Nah. I think they’re relieved. We’ve been going non-stop since they got here yesterday.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. After we picked them up, we drove the scenic route, which made Jovi take pictures like crazy. When we got to the palace, we went on a tour with your father who rambled off so much history about this place it was insane. Like I didn’t know back in the day there was a policy house servants couldn’t hook up with the guests.”
“I didn’t know that either.”
“Your dad’s actually got a bunch of amazing information and a car collection that brought Merrick to his knees. Like his actual knees…”
Her words ignite the urge to chuckle yet I can’t.
“By the time we were all finished, Soph had this sweet welcome party set up in the parlor with drinks and snacks. After that we met Guy for dinner at that steak house with the white chocolate brownies-”
“Declan’s.”
“And then your father surprised us all with a late night trip on this beautiful luxury yacht he rented to let us see the city lights. They were stunning….Almost magical.”
“Wait. He rented a yacht?”
She nods, but continues to ramble, “We sipped champagne and laughed for hours. Soph fell asleep before we even made it far from the shore. Then this morning, we all had crepes before we met Guy to sight see. He actually had a couple of the art exhibits we visited closed to allow us private time. We were even given the chance to meet one of the artists at our last stop. She was a total gem. Invited the four of us to visit her personal studio.”
The flood of information shifts me in my seat. My strained voice struggles to say, “Sounds…like you’ve been having a blast.”
Her eyebrows lift. “Shocked?”
“At?”
“At all the shit you missed because you couldn’t or wouldn’t walk away from the work? You know, whichever way you want to label it?”
“Love-”
“Or maybe you’re shocked at the amount of fun I was able to have in spite of you not being there?”
“So you did, have fun without me? You weren’t…” the word sticks to my tongue as I realize I don’t possess the right to ask, “miserable?”
“Of course I was fucking miserable!” She snaps and the pain in my gut increases. “My husband doesn’t love me enough to walk away from work to spend time with me!”
“That’s not bloody true!”
“That’s exactly how it feels, Kellan!”
“Brie-”
“I don’t want to hear it!” The anger in her voice increases. “Any of it!”
“You don’t want an explanation?”
“I want there to be no need for an explanation, Kellan.” Her face falls and I attempt to touch her again receiving the same brush off. “I want to believe you when you say shit to me. I want to believe I matter. I want to believe that our life together is going to be more than a series of broken promises and rescheduled dinners.”
The words are out of my mouth before I have time to rethink them. “Do you want me to give up Hannah’s Hope?”
“I want you to learn to have room in your life for both of us.”
Is it an odd thing to wonder if that’s even possible?
All of a sudden my brother begins to shout. “Doctor Morgan!!! Nurse Lisa!!!”
The two of us rush for the doorway.
“What?! What’s happening?!” I belt out noticing the look of discomfort on Soph’s face.
“I-I-I-I don’t know! I think the baby is coming!”
“Stop yelling,” Brie fusses at both of us. “That’s unneeded stress on Soph.”
“God…what she said,” Soph groans, hands on her stomach.
“How could it possibly be coming? You said it was a slow progress.”
“That was three hours ago,” he bites.
Was I really wallowing in self misery that long?
The pair flies past us, quickly insisting we exit as promptly as we came.
We relocate back to our waiting room seats and sit in anxious silence. Not sure what I can say or even should say, I remain tight lipped while I do my best to focus on the life being born in the room right across from us.
Eventually my thoughts lead me to mumble, “Kristopher and I were actually born in that room as well.”
Brie doesn’t bother looking my direction. “Oh yeah?”
“Yes. Renovations were done shortly after my parents were married to this entire wing. They thought it would be a better idea to have a more accommodating hospital area. Before that the Kenningston women gave birth about….six rooms, that direction.” I point past her.
“Why the change?”
“My mother’s idea, I believe. She was an advocate for shaking things up.”
“Like you.”
The comparison causes me to nod yet fall silent once more.
Sometimes I wish she would’ve left me a little book of secrets. Small clues on how not to spoil the opportunities you’ve been given while battling to make more of other situations. Sometimes…I wonder if she would be ashamed at the constant way I keep failing. You know, the world sees so many of my successes like MINOH. Then they praise my attendance at asinine charity events to benefit banana trees and fashion shows where I dance to shitty music. But they don’t see the forgotten anniversaries or how I almost missed the weekend away with my brother to honor the woman we both miss. They don’t see me barely remembering to kiss my wife goodbye or the pain in her eyes when I come in the middle of the night only to leave again three hours later. They don’t see the look of disappoint my brother, my father, my sister in law give me because I’ve missed a family attendance to a play or card night in the parlor…They don’t know how hard I’m trying to be the best for everyone and am slowly becoming the worst. Sometimes I wish my mother were around to at least remind me it’ll all be okay someday. Then again…will it?
About an hour later, the sound of an infant crying echoes throughout the halls. Doctor Morgan dismisses himself first and announces we’ll be allowed in to see them shortly. He explains the necessity to wash our hands, keep our voices soft, and to make our visit short because Soph desperately needs the rest as well as the bonding time with her new child. We immediately agree and he gives me the go ahead to phone my father. Shortly after doing so, Kris cracks the door open, and motions his head for us to come in.
We approach in stoic silence but immediately coo in unison at the sight of Soph cradling the newest member to our family.
It’s so tiny!
“Kellan…Brie…I would like to you introduce you to your nephew. Keegan Scott Kenningston.” She lets her attention drop to the small boy in her arms. “Keegan, this is your uncle Kellan who will teach you your first bad word and your aunt Brie who will sneak you your first cookie.”
“Or piece of cake,” she jokes as she cautiously moves closer. When she’s within reach, Soph slides the baby into my wife’s grip.
Without warning the air in my lungs vacates. My throat swells. The entire world vanishes and the only thing I can focus on is how perfect she looks clutching a child. I attempt to swallow the knot of fear expanding in my throat.
What if Kris is right? What if this never happens for us because I can’t find fucking balance?
I try to pull my mind back into the moment.
“He’s so handsome,” Brie coos, giving the blue eyed baby a small kiss on the forehead.
“Runs in the family,” Kris and I joke in unison.
The women roll their eyes but don’t deny it.
We are an attractive bunch. If there was a baby GQ he’d be on it.
Brie gives me a loving look. “You wanna hold him?”
I smile, nod, and allow her to shift the infant into my hands. For a moment, I simply stare down at the perfect creation. The blank slate. The future of our country. The next legacy of our family.
This is what I am working so hard for every day. To give him something better to govern over. To instill the strength of hope, so one day he can do it for the masses.
Staring into his blue eyes rearranges some of the shame I’m baring.
All these long night have a purpose. All these missed dates will make a difference in his life and so many others. I will show my nephew that so much more is possible than he ever knew…than I ever knew. I will show him and our future children.
My eyes remain pasted on the high ceiling of our bedroom regardless of the fact I can barely see anything at all.
I don’t recall ever going to bed like this before. Usually we fight, spend a few hours making up, and then crash together in a tangled fit of content. We don’t go to bed angry. That’s now the couple we are. Even at her most pinnacle point of being pissed off at me, she never lets it just fester. She flushes out. Spits venom. But tonight? Tonight it has been Artic shoulder and intolerable silence.
Brie adjusts her head again on the pillow beside mine. Neither of us is asleep despite the fact we’ve been in bed for at least twenty minutes. She lets out a deep sigh and tugs the sheet to cover her body covered by a loose fitting t-shirt.
That’s exactly how upset she still is. The gorgeous body I love to be braced against me naked all night is being imprisoned by an old shirt I used to wear to the gym before she started painting in it. Now it’s covered in colorful stains. Okay so that makes me smile. I love knowing even when she’s engaged in her favorite activity, I’m still on her mind the same way she’s still on mine.
Quietly, I state, “I know you’re livid, Love.”
“I’m not,” she calmly replies.
“Please, never lie to me….”
“I’m not,” Brie swears. “I’m honestly not mad at you anymore.”
Feels like a trap…
My face shifts her direction, hating that I am seeing her head full of wavy hair instead of her eyes.
“I’m disappointed.”
And that is worse than any anger could ever be.
Culpability clogs my vocal chords.
“I know how important Hannah’s Hope is to you, Kellan. I remember your excitement long before it ever had a true inkling it was going to be created. I remember your joy when it was still just a dream on paper. I remember the look in your eyes every time you shut the files. The ache for wanting something that was just out of your reach. The pain of knowing there was a possibility it would never get the chance to exist. I think about those moments every time my anger over being neglected again surpasses what I imagine to be an acceptable amount.” She pauses and the air in the room completely vanishes. “But then I have to ask a question I’m not sure I want the answer to because I fear I won’t like it.”
My voice barely whispers, “Which is?”
“Will I…Will…we ever be as important to you as Hannah’s is?”
The sheer sadness in her voice alone feels as if it could collapse my chest.
“I’m really afraid of the day I get the answer to that question…” There’s a small sniffle out of her. “But what really disappoints me is the simple fact I even have to ask it.”
Unexpected tears claw their way up my throat and I do my best to stuff them back down. I roll over onto my side and attempt to slide an arm around her waist. When she tries to pull away, my forehead falls to her shoulder, and I beg, “Please, don’t pull away from me again, Love…It breaks my heart.”
Brie ceases her retreat.
Once my arm is secured around her waist, I tug her into me and gently rest my cheek against her arm. “You are the absolute most important thing in my entire life. Past. Present. And future.”
The pain in her voice is unbearable, “Kellan-”
“I know it is hard to believe, especially after days like yesterday and today, but I need you to know I truly mean it. I would lay my entire world at your feet for you to step on if it kept you from walking away from me.”
“I’m not leaving you just because we’re fighting.”
A small breath of reprieve is taken.
“But I don’t want this to be all our marriage is.”
“It won’t be,” I promise and plant a kiss on her shoulder. “You said you want there to be room for both Hannah’s Hope and you in my life. That you want me to have a balance of the two…Well, Love, it may not appear this way, but I am trying. I am truly trying my hardest to give you both my attention. My time. My love. But I often get it wrong. I am often at one place when I should be at the other and focused on one when it’s the other that really needs my attention. I am not good at this and it’s killing me.” My confession shifts her face to peer over at me. “I have never been afraid of being a true failure. I’ve always been the one not to care what the world thinks, but Brie, you are my world now. What you think matters. What you feel affects everything. And I…I live in a constant dread that by the time this orphanage is done, I will have failed you as a husband while trying to succeed as a man. Or that I succeed as a husband and fail to deliver a better future for those who have no other hope besides the little I am trying to offer.”
She rolls completely onto her back. “That’s entirely too much pressure to put on yourself.”
I don’t argue.
“You’re not perfect, Kellan. And our relationship, MINOH, and building the orphanage won’t be either. Life isn’t a series of things you have to perfect, baby. It’s a series of things you get to experience. The goods. The bads. The uglies.”
“And the remarkables,” I add, my hand moving to stroke her face. “I want it all yet feel like I’m missing everything.” She leans her face into my touch. “But while I was holding Keegan in my arms tonight, I realized, I have to keep going. I have to make Hannah’s Hope possible. I have to give my nephew a chance to govern a better class of people. I have to give our future children a better world to live in. I just…I need you to know that I am deeply sorry for disappointing you and that I really am always trying to do what’s best for us and the organizations I’ve built. I want to achieve balance, but it is proving to be a nearly impossible task for me.”
Her brown eyes soften.
Look at that. They can fill with something other than hatred for me.
“The answer to your question will always be the same, Love. You are what is most important to me despite however it may appear from time to time.”
“Actions are louder than words, Kellan. Remember that, okay?”
I nod and press a gentle kiss onto her lips. It’s intended to be short yet she captures my bottom lip and gives it a light lick. A moan of approval rumbles through me. Brie pulls back, giggles triumphantly, and rolls back onto her side.
My face falls to the crook of her neck while my hand slips underneath the edge of the t-shirt. “How about I take action right now?”
She smiles but shakes her head. “I meant that by actually following through with your promises and paying more attention to things outside of work.”
“Alright. I promise to make you scream my name and pay attention to the beautiful way it sounds.”
Brie prepares to argue back when my fingers slide towards her inner thigh, receiving a soft sigh of approval. My cock instantly rises to the occasion and echoes my words with a knock against her ass cheek.
I press my lips lightly to her ear. “And I promise to make you come so hard it’ll be difficult for you to walk in the morning…”
Guarantee you I’ll keep that one…
My fingers graze the outside of her bare pussy and she whimpers her compliance. She slightly parts her legs to allow me better access. As my fingers graze her clit, I tug her earlobe, providing her the mixture of small pain with stronger pleasure we both constantly crave. Her body pushes back into mine for encouragement to continue. I roll my finger around in teasing circles and lose myself in the sound of her labored breathing. The feeling of her wetness damping my finger shuts my eyes tightly. My movement remains steady in spite of her growing impatience for more. Brie’s hand lands on top of mine and she desperately digs her nails into it. Another whimper whirls around the room, toying with my willpower. I let my lips fall to her neck and recklessly devour every area of bare skin I can. She syncs the rolling of her hips to that of my tongue, twisting the two of us into a trembling mess of moans and greedy groans. Finally, I slip my finger inside, receiving the most erotic gasp I’ve ever heard. Without remorse I capture her mouth and reinforce my previous pledge. Brie bucks backwards begging for more than a finger. I guide my hand into her hair to guarantee we remain locked together. She squirms for more stimulation. Whines for action. Grinds her request for replacement. Every maddening action she delivers receives a small pull of her bedhead and swift push of my tongue. All of a sudden, Brie’s pussy begins a familiar pulsing and her mouth falls from mine. Her bottom lip hides between her teeth as she surrenders to the orgasm showering over her. I eagerly watch her undoing, absorbing the quakes and quivers like they are the only reason I exist. The sound of her breath heaving pushes me to the point she was pleading for. In one fluid motion, my hand is removed, her body is splayed on its stomach, and I’m buried in a blistering bliss. Her tight pussy worships the invasion with waves of wetness.
My mouth mindlessly moans, “God you’re amazing…”
She hums something that sounds like an agreement.
Every reason in the world to be cocky about it too…If this were ancient Greece statues would be built to worship her the very way I plan to for the rest of our lives.
I thrust my hips sharply, struggling to keep them from the ruthless course they desire. Brie’s body arches into each precise pound while her hands clutch the sheets. Her beautiful voice surrenders the screams of my name I knew it would. I allow the sweet sound to burrow inside of me until it begins to drive me mad with pleasure. My head lowers itself and cocks an angle to seize her mouth once more. In a gluttonous outburst, my hands, my tongue, and my cock begin to ceaselessly consume every portion of her possible. For hours we cycle through mindlessly chanting one another’s names, slews of curse words spoken during moments of satisfaction, and bed breaking orgasms. By the time we’re sated, not only has the sun begun to rise but are we on the floor across the room near the window.
Brie’s head is nestled on my thigh and my back is braced against the wall. I let my fingers toy with her disheveled hair while longingly staring down at her sleeping face.
I hate how she doubts me, but I know it is my fault. I make the wrong choices. I’m the one missing the cues. I’m the one dragging my feet in the battle of building this relationship up. Seeing the toll it is having on her, on her feeling of us, will be the reason I do better. I promise. Both of you.