I stood in the living room and rocked Blue, sang to Blue, bounced Blue in the football hold that normally comforted him. Tonight, nothing worked. He’d already cried and howled and refused my tit and showed no signs of ending his fit of tears.

I paced back and forth and swung him side to side to side. Might have been the day of shopping or the iced tea. Could have been that I was tired and cross and grumpy too. Basically, breastfeeding moms were supposed to eat cardboard and stay perfectly peaceful to keep their babies happy. Too bad I was human.

I cradled him and rocked him and patted him until he burped. I bathed him and bounced him, hoping he’d tire, needing him to go to sleep. Blue wouldn’t cave. He was the man of the hour, and probably the next hour too.

Screaming baby on my shoulder and exhaustion in every bone of my body, I collapsed on the couch and scrolled through the channels until I found American Movie Classics. Romance was bullshit, but I loved the old-time love stories like The African Queen, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, It Happened One Night. I rubbed my once-flat stomach and thought about a lot of nights when it happened. Afternoons, too, in his office.

Blue squirmed against my shoulder, and I slid him down to his favorite spot, my breast. “Typical man.” I kissed my son’s fuzzy melon. “But the thing about older movies, Blue, is that back then, men did the right thing.” I tried to explain the way of the world to an infant. “Instead of throwing a few hundred bucks at a pregnant girl and telling her to take care of it, they stuck it out or at least helped support them.”

Blue’s face scrunched up at my take on life, or my movie choice, or the refried beans I’d scarfed while he suckled. Note to self: no more Mexican food.

The theme song for My Fair Lady tinkled out of the tube, and I leaned back into the sofa. Blue’s face turned red, and I turned up the volume. I was surely in for another doozy of a fit. Generally, he was a good baby. But when I was a less-than-stellar mother, we both suffered. “I really suck as a mother. I’m so sorry, sweetheart, but I really needed those enchiladas and rice and beans and the salsa … well, I didn’t need that, but it was good.”

He let out a wail that could be heard in Boulder.

I dragged myself to my feet and zigzagged past the tan sofa to the red chair to the old walnut desk that Mona had given me. She’d said she couldn’t see well enough to use it, and there weren’t any men waiting to bend her over it, so she might as well get rid of it. Sadly, the only man in my life was the little one in my arms who refused to give in to sleep.

“Please, baby, just sleep,” I crooned until my voice went hoarse. I rocked until my arms went numb and paced until I couldn’t feel my feet, but finally, mercifully, thanks to the goddess of all mothers, Blue’s cries softened. His eyes drooped. “Thank you. Thank you,” I whispered.

And then the doorbell rang.

Blue jolted back to nuclear level.

“Damnit all to hell.” I grabbed the knob, wanting to scream, and cry, and tell the only old man who’d dare bother me at this time to leave me alone. Hell, I wanted to pretend I wasn’t home, but with the decibels Blue put out, there was no way to pretend.

Mr. Chambers stood on my porch, tapping his cane.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Chambers. Blue seems to have a bit of gas tonight.” I cradled my son to my chest, and his screams notched down to short bursts of unhappiness and hiccups.

“Can’t you shut him up?” The old duffer tapped his cane against the cracked concrete.

The devil on my right shoulder wanted the tip of his cane to stick so he’d stumble backwards and leave. But the left angel always took pity. The man had to be like one hundred and twenty-six years old … okay, more like eighty.

“Look, he’s calming down. If you’d just lower your voice, I’m sure I can get him to sleep.”

“How nice for him. What about me?” His cane tapped harder.

“You want me to breastfeed and rock you too?” I was tired. Tired of being lonely. Tired of being tired. And tired of this old fart knocking on my door each time Blue made a peep.

“Young people.” He shook his cane. “You have more lip than sense.”

I didn’t back down. As weak and old and tired as he was, if he went for a hit, only my ankles would be at risk.

“Well, you may be right. If I’d used my lips, I wouldn’t have this beautiful boy that frustrates you so much. I swear, Mr. Chambers, you whine more than he does.”

The damn man either had supersonic hearing or was a stalker, standing outside my window and waiting for the first sound to happen so he could complain. Or it could have been that the houses were built with papier-mâché and string. Yep, the insulation was thin, which meant the soundproofing was shit.

“You know, if you’d done it right, you’d have a man here to help you out.”

I covered Blue’s exposed ear with my hand. “Oh, a man helped get me here.” I leaned toward the old coot and burned him with my laser glare. “The problem with men is, they want everything, and when they get it, they complain. What about you, Mr. Chambers, did you hold your wife’s hand while she pushed a bowling ball out of her vagina? Did you get up for 2, 4, and 6 A.M. feedings? Did you?” My voice grew until it hit Blue’s full-on-tilt level. “Or did you sit on your lazy ass and tell your wife to shut that kid up?”

His expression twisted, and his chin quivered. “I’m an old man, and I don’t need this stress.”

I huffed out a groan. “You’re just like my father, always ready to offer advice but never a hand. Go home, Mr. Chambers, and eat your strained peas, fart in your lounger, and stop judging me every second of the day.” I slammed the door in his face. My left angel tut-tut-tutted, but righty groaned. She was still as cranky as her quieting son.

Blue jolted awake with a blood-curdling scream.

I sank to the floor, joined Blue in a fit of tears and texted Ana.

SOS!

I’d never considered being mean to an old man before. Maybe Mexican food didn’t agree with me either.

No more than five minutes later, Ana used her key to let herself in. Her ability to magically appear when needed was the greatest part of living on the same street as my best friend.

The worst part was constantly seeing her happy when I was so miserable and lonely and just needed a man.

“It’s okay, darling.” She slipped Blue from my hands. “I got him.”

“Thank you,” I cried. I was so grateful for her presence; I’d never felt so lonely. Infants didn’t make good conversationalists, as it turned out. They just made stretch marks and sagging boobs.

“What happened?” Ana put Blue in a football hold. All it took was a few laps around the living room, and he was out.

“Mr. Chambers yelled at us.”

“What’s wrong with that man? Blue’s a baby. Babies cry.” She took a final lap around the living room and walked Blue down the hallway to his bedroom. When she returned, I was in the kitchen making decaffeinated tea.

“Remind me not to drink iced tea or eat stuff that my son won’t like.”

Ana shrugged. “You never listen.” She reached into the cupboard and pulled out the sugar. “Tell me what’s really bothering you.”

“I’m not sure.” That wasn’t totally the truth. There were a lot of things bothering me, from the lack of passion in my life to my sore nipples.

“I think Blue is feeding off your anxiety.”

That I could be the reason for my son’s distress tore at my insides. “You’re probably right.” I couldn’t pinpoint the culprit exactly, but it was a bunch of things all rolled into one. “My life is just not like I imagined.”

Ana took her cup of chamomile tea and went back into the living room.

“And whose is? Stop being such a twat. You’ve got an amazing son. A great little house. You’ve managed to find a way to support both of you by working from home, and you have me as a friend. That alone should make you happy.” Ana blew on her tea, the steam rising past her bangs.

“I know I’m lucky. The problem is, I’m lonely. You never needed a man in your life, but you got Ryker. And he’s an amazing man and will be an awesome father. I have no one but you two and Nate and Mona, and none of you are warming my bed.”

“You’re a single mother. It’s not like your vagina fell off when you gave birth.” She moved to the couch and snuggled up next to me. Her eyes grew as big as baseballs. “It didn’t, did it?” She rubbed her rounded belly.

I laughed. “No. I mean, I haven’t used it since I got pregnant, but it seems fine.”

“Okay then.” She let out a sigh. “You just need to put yourself out there.”

“Out there?” I rolled my eyes. “I just had a baby, and I’m nowhere near married. I think I was way out there already.”

“You know what I mean. You just haven’t been attracted to the right men. You’re always after … I don’t know, if they’re not peacocks, then they’re jerks.”

I shrugged. “Well, you know what they say. A girl falls for men like her father.”

Ana shook her head, and Blue started crying again. She rose from her seat before I could muster the energy to move. “I’ll check on him. You stay here.”

When she left the room, I looked down at my vibrating cell and sighed. Another call from Dad. I powered the phone down, not ready to be judged by another man tonight.