CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Tessa snuggled against Graham’s shoulder while Lydia smoothed Tessa’s hair.
“It’s so nice to have you home, sweetheart,” Lydia said. She turned to Cam. “It feels like a miracle, doesn’t it?”
“It does.”
He and Tessa had gone through DNA testing again and three days later the results were back, confirming he was her biological father. The relief and joy had been overwhelming. As soon as the results were in, Erin Cochrane began working to secure sole custody. He’d never have to say goodbye to Tessa again.
It still didn’t feel quite real. In the two weeks since Tessa had been home, he’d woken several times in the middle of the night, convinced he’d dreamt the whole thing. Only when he went to her room and saw her sleeping in her bed amongst the stuffed toys he’d retrieved from a box in the basement, did he believe it was true. His little girl was home.
Graham and Lydia and Drew and Carrie had arrived at the lodge a couple of hours ago. They’d wanted to see Tessa since the day she got home, but Lydia wanted to give her time to settle in first. She was afraid that so many changes in her life would be confusing, but Tessa had resumed her old life with him as if she hadn’t been away a day.
Harper had invited everyone for an early Thanksgiving celebration now that they had plenty of space with the new wing of rooms completed. With the kitchen up and running, Maggie was eager to try out some new dishes to see what they thought. It was a joyous family reunion.
Except, Scarlet wasn’t there.
Cam longed for her. He knew he’d miss her, but he hadn’t expected to feel her absence like a physical pain. It wasn’t only the sex, though he longed to make love with her again. He missed talking with her, hearing her voice, her laugh, being around her. He missed the way she used to touch him, a squeeze to his hand, a pat to his shoulder, a simple gesture to show she cared and was right beside him.
He had to get over her before he lost his mind.
“Ethan told me you hosted a wedding last month,” Lydia said. “How did that go?”
“It went surprisingly well.” Harper set a tray of mugs filled with hot chocolate on a side table while Maggie passed a plate of cookies. “We scrambled like crazy to get things ready, but we did it. I’m really proud of what we accomplished in such a short time.”
“We’ve got a lot of renovations to finish over the winter, like the rooms upstairs in the lodge and the other six cottages. And there’s lots of other things to do, like hiring a hotel and restaurant manager. We need someone with experience to keep us on the right track.” Ethan stacked logs in the massive stone fireplace. “Scarlet booked another wedding for late May, so everything needs to be in place by then.”
“How is Scarlet? I was hoping to see her here this weekend,” Lydia said.
Harper’s gaze briefly connected with Cam’s before she shifted her attention to Lydia. “She’s fine. She went back to work in Chicago a couple of weeks ago.”
“We were hoping she could come home this weekend, but she wasn’t able to make it,” Maggie added. She accepted a mug of hot chocolate from Harper and sat in the loveseat next to Carrie. “It doesn’t feel right to be celebrating Thanksgiving without her. Especially since…” She stopped and looked down at her mug.
“Especially since what?” Cam sat straighter, his senses on high alert.
Maggie and Harper exchanged a glance before Maggie spoke again. “Harper and I have been reading our mother’s letters, the ones Reese found upstairs beneath the floor boards. We came across some new information.”
“What information?” If they knew something, they had to tell Scarlet.
“Cam, this isn’t the time.” Maggie glanced at Tessa.
He got to his feet, too agitated to sit. “What information? If you know something new about your mother, Scarlet has to be told. Did you know she blames herself for her death, for both your parents’ deaths?”
Harper stared at him. “Blames herself? What are you talking about? She was eight years old when they died.”
Lydia stood and put her hand on Cam’s shoulder. She turned to speak to her husband. “Graham, why don’t you and Drew and Carrie take Tessa for a walk outside? It’s such a beautiful, sunny afternoon.”
Graham nodded, immediately taking the hint. “That sounds like a great idea. I’d like to see if the lake has frozen over yet.”
Tessa scrambled out of Graham’s arms and ran to Cam, her brow wrinkled in worry. “Are you mad at Scarlet, Daddy?”
Cam picked her up and held her close, inhaling her sweet little girl scent. “No, pumpkin. I’m not mad at Scarlet. I could never be mad at her.”
She put both her small hands against his cheeks and looked into his face. “Me neither. I love Scarlet.”
So do I.
The thought surged its way to the forefront of his mind as if it couldn’t be contained any longer. I love her. He’d loved her from the beginning, from the night of Ethan and Harper’s wedding when he saw her holding a sleeping Tessa. But he’d been too stubborn and too scared to admit it. Instead, he’d let her walk away.
How could he have been so stupid?
He kissed Tessa’s cheek and set her on her feet. “Go with Uncle Graham. Your jacket is in the closet at the front door.”
Graham nodded and took Tessa’s hand. “Come on, sweetie.”
Cam waited until they left the room and Tessa was out of earshot. “What have you learned?”
Harper sat beside Maggie in the seat Carrie vacated. “We thought they were all old letters from a boyfriend our mother had as a teenager, but there were newer ones, some dated only a few weeks before she died.” She grasped her sister’s hand. “It appears she was having an affair.”
Cam dropped into a chair. “So, Scarlet was right. She heard your mother tell your father she was in love with another man.”
Harper sucked in a breath. “Oh, my God. Why did she never say anything?”
“She didn’t want to hurt you or ruin your memories of your parents. Were you able to figure out who Miranda was having the affair with?”
“No,” Maggie said, shaking her head. “All the letters, even the ones going back to when they were kids, are simply signed ‘R’. At first, we thought the letters might be from our father, Robert, but now we know that’s not the case. After reading all the letters in chronological order, it seems our mother and R were in love as teenagers but our grandparents disapproved of him and forbid her from seeing him. We’re not sure why they objected to their relationship.”
“For about fifteen years, there’s no letters. Then nearly three years before she died, R starts to write to her again,” Harper continued. “It’s obvious from the letters they’re having a sexual affair, but I think he loved her. He’s begging her to leave our father and marry him. He says they should have been together all along.”
Lydia held out a box of tissues, and Maggie grabbed one and dabbed at her eyes. “It’s so sad. When two people love each other, they shouldn’t be kept apart.”
Harper shook her head. “What about our father? He was a good man, Maggie. Maybe he worked too hard and spent too much time away from us, but he didn’t deserve to be cheated on.”
Maggie wiped her eyes as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. “No, he didn’t.”
He hated to see Maggie so distressed. He found it odd that she and Harper disagreed so vehemently about their mother’s affair. But maybe it wasn’t surprising since Harper had known her parents, and Maggie was too young to have any memories of them. She wouldn’t have known whether her mother was worthy of her sympathy.
Ethan turned to Cam. “What did you mean when you said Scarlet feels guilty about their deaths?”
Even though he had promised he wouldn’t, he told them Scarlet’s story about following her parents that day. “All these years, she’s believed that if she hadn’t followed them, they wouldn’t have gone out in the canoe to get some privacy.”
“Poor Scarlet,” Harper said. “Why did she keep this to herself? Why didn’t she tell us?”
Cam shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Scarlet would not be happy that he was sharing all her confidences. But there had been too many secrets, too much darkness, in the Lindquist sisters’ lives. It was time to throw open the doors and let in some light.
“I know it doesn’t make sense, but somewhere down deep in her eight-year-old heart, she’s afraid you and Maggie would blame her for your parents’ deaths the way she blames herself. She’s afraid of losing you.”
Harper’s hand flew to her mouth. “Poor Scarlet.”
Ethan sat beside Harper and put his arm around her.
“She didn’t want to hurt you, Harper. I’m sorry to be the one to cause you pain, but she can’t go on blaming herself like this.”
“You’re right, she can’t.” Harper took another tissue from Lydia and blew her nose. “I’m glad you told us.”
“There’s something else.” He hesitated, weighing his words. “I know you believe your parents’ deaths were an accident, and that Willy was wrong when he said your father hit your mother with an oar, but Scarlet thinks it’s true. The last words your father said to her was that no matter what happened, she had to remember he loved her. Scarlet heard him tell your mother that without her he had nothing to live for.”
Maggie sucked in a breath. “Did she actually see what happened? Did she see our father strike our mother?”
Cam shook his head. “No, Maggie. No, she didn’t.”
Maggie sighed in relief. “Thank God. But you’re saying Scarlet believes our father planned to kill our mother when he went out on the lake with her? Because she was leaving him?”
“That’s what she believes. Your mother told Scarlet you were all going to live someplace else, without your father.”
Harper blew her nose once more. “All these years I’ve fought against the idea that Daddy killed her. Even though the inquest said he did, it didn’t jive with the man I knew. He was kind and funny, and I know he loved us kids. I couldn’t believe he would do this to us. But maybe he snapped. Maybe I have to accept that he did kill her.”
Ethan rubbed her back, trying to give comfort. Cam closed his eyes. He hated upsetting Harper like this, but he was glad to spare Scarlet the pain of telling her secret to her sisters. He would gladly bear any pain for her.
“Harper, you need to tell Scarlet about the letters, and you need to tell her you don’t blame her for what happened. She needs to know.”
“Yes, she does.” Harper looked at Maggie and squeezed her hand before turning back to him. “And I think you should be the one to tell her.”
“No.” He shook his head, shocked she would suggest it. “She doesn’t want to hear from me.”
“You’re wrong, Cam. She loves you, and I think you love her, too. You need to go to her.”
He jumped to his feet and began to pace. “I’m no good for her. She needs someone stable, someone who’s not going to turn to alcohol at the first sign of trouble.”
“You had a slip, but you didn’t go over the deep end. You didn’t fall back into alcoholism, did you?” Ethan said. “Give yourself some credit.”
“Scarlet believes in you,” Maggie said, her dark eyes shiny with tears.
Cam bowed his head. More than anything in the world he wanted a life with Scarlet. But he was scared. What if he messed up, maybe not with alcohol, but in some other way? He couldn’t risk Scarlet’s happiness.
Lydia laid her hand on his arm. “When are you going to forgive our father, Cam? You’ve been hanging on to such anger for so long, it’s eating you alive. And now you’re about to throw away your chance for happiness because of it.”
He looked at her in surprise. “That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? You’re angry because of the way he treated our mother. You’re angry because he wasn’t the father we needed him to be. But I think most of all, you’re angry with him because you think you’re so much like him.”
Cam flinched, her words hitting hard. “I am like him. I look like him. I’m a drunk like him.”
She cupped his face with her hand as a tear slid down her cheek. “No, you’re nothing like him. He never stopped drinking because he didn’t want to. He was content to blame everyone but himself for his drinking. You found the strength to quit so you could be a good father to Tessa, and a good brother to us. He wanted to be an artist, but things didn’t work out the way he’d planned and he took out his frustration for his failure on our mother and on us. You found a way to channel your creativity into your furniture and home designs. You’re a better man, and a better father, than he ever was, so don’t use him as an excuse not to be happy.”
He stared at her. “I didn’t know he wanted to be an artist.”
“Yes. Mother told me he even went to art school at the Illinois Institute of Art in Chicago, but he had to drop out when she got pregnant with me. They had to get married and move to Wisconsin to take over the inn so they could make a living. She told me he never forgave her.”
“Was that why he trashed my drawings when I was a kid?”
“I’m sure it was. He saw your talent and was jealous of it. Or maybe he wanted to save you from dreaming for something he thought could never be.” Lydia grasped his hand. “Hanging on to your anger only hurts you. Let it go and forgive him. It’s what I’ve had to do. And forgive yourself. You deserve happiness.”
Cam pulled Lydia into his arms and held her tightly. He could never forget the past. He didn’t know if he was capable of the forgiveness she was asking of him, or if their father was worthy of such forgiveness.
And forgiving himself? He couldn’t begin to imagine how to do that.
Cam and Tessa went home shortly after dinner with a promise to come back to the lodge the next morning to spend the day with his family. After bathing Tessa and reading her a story, he tucked her into bed and kissed her goodnight. She was asleep by the time he turned off the light and closed her bedroom door.
He was alone for the rest of the evening with only his thoughts for company. They rumbled through his brain like thunder threatening to explode into a summer storm.
Lydia’s revelations today stunned him. He’d never once considered that his lack of forgiveness for his father, and for himself, was preventing him from finding peace in his life. Or love.
He ran his hand through his hair, trying to make sense of his feelings. He tried to imagine what Scarlet’s reaction would be if he did as Harper asked and delivered the news about her mother’s letters in person. She’d be angry he hadn’t kept her confidences. But secrets like that needed to be brought out into the light where they lost their power. He wanted to give Scarlet relief, to let her know Harper and Maggie didn’t blame her for anything.
He paced his kitchen, unable to settle in one spot. If he showed up at Scarlet’s door unannounced, she might tell him to get lost. But somehow, he didn’t think so. He ran his hand over his kitchen table, remembering her enthusiasm for his work. She’d believed in him, as much as he believed in her. He realized that now.
She’d told him she needed a man who didn’t cut and run at the first sign of trouble. God, how he wanted to be that man.
But he was scared. He was afraid of disappointing her the way he always thought he’d disappointed his father. He was afraid of being rejected by her the way his father had rejected him.
The realization hit him hard. It all came back to his father. He dropped onto one of the kitchen chairs, rested his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor. Lydia said he needed to let go of the anger he’d harbored for his father before he could allow himself to be happy. That he needed to forgive himself for his drinking. How did he even do that?
He thought about what his sister had said about their father studying art. He must have been very talented to get into such a prestigious school. To have the career he wanted snatched away must have been a terrible blow.
He didn’t remember his father ever sketching or painting, even as a hobby. It was as if he’d totally rejected his former ambitions. Maybe it had been too painful to pick up his sketchpad. Or perhaps he’d been punishing himself for having such dreams. He certainly punished himself and his family with his drinking.
Cam could understand his father’s disappointment at having to drop out of art school, could even sympathize with it. But he couldn’t sympathize with the way he’d handled his disappointment. He’d heaped blame on his mother for getting pregnant and ending his dreams. Maybe that was why she’d enabled his drinking. She was trying to assuage her guilt for making him drop out of school.
Instead of keeping his love of art alive by painting in his spare time, or finding a way to turn his art into a part-time job, he chose to be a martyr. If he couldn’t have his art on his own terms, he didn’t want anything. Not even his family.
And now Cam was doing the same thing. If he couldn’t be one hundred percent sure that he and Scarlet would always be together, that they would always love each other, he was prepared to throw her love away entirely.
Cam got to his feet, too agitated to sit. He walked quietly to Tessa’s closed bedroom door and rested his palm against the wood. He didn’t want to make her pay for his mistakes, and especially not for her grandfather’s. But by denying her Scarlet’s love, that’s exactly what he was doing.
He didn’t want to repeat his father’s mistakes.
For reasons known only to him, his father had been incapable of accepting the disappointments life had thrown at him. His resentment had had profound effects on his own life and the lives of his children and wife. But it was over now. Cam could choose to live his life on his own terms.
I forgive you, Dad. I’m sorry you were so unhappy.
A huge weight of anger and resentment lifted from his shoulders. Cam sucked in a breath at the sensation of lightness.
He deserved to be happy with the woman he loved. Maybe he’d stumble and fall and turn to drinking again. But maybe he wouldn’t. There were no guarantees in life. Or in love.
He turned away from Tessa’s door and hurried to the kitchen, knowing what he had to do.
Cam pulled out his cell phone and hit his brother’s number. Ethan answered immediately. “Hey. What’s going on?”
“Can you and Harper look after Tessa tomorrow? I’m driving to Chicago.”
Ethan laughed. “We would be happy to, buddy. Good luck.”
“Thanks.”
To convince Scarlet he wanted a forever with her, he’d need all the luck he could get.