Some Days are Harder than Others
Sutton
The next couple of days passed in a feverish blur. I couldn’t keep anything down and everything hurt. My skin felt like it was two sizes too small for my body and I was shaking so hard I swore I could hear my bones rattling against one another. I spent more time curled up on the bathroom floor than I did in the bed my brothers had moved to the main house. I tried to put on a brave face for Daye, but it didn’t really work so great. Everyone had resorted to telling her I was sick with the flu, encouraging her not to get too close so she wouldn’t get sick. My little girl was happy to have me back under the same roof, but I could see that her mother’s visit had unnerved her. She was unnaturally quiet and asked me no less than ten times if she was going to have to go back to Alexa’s apartment in town until I felt better. It was already a fight to get her to go when it was her mom’s weekend. The idea of going when she wasn’t scheduled had Daye tied up in knots. No matter how much I reassured her that she didn’t have to go anywhere she didn’t want to, she was still sulking around the house. I was too weak and too out of it to be of any help. I couldn’t thank my family enough for stepping up to the plate and promising my little girl they wouldn’t let anyone take her from her home.
I was also hallucinating.
At least, I thought I was. A few times during my delirium, I swore Emrys came in the bathroom and sat on the cool tile floor next to me. In the dream, Em would put my head in her lap and stroke my sweaty hair until I relaxed. Every time I opened my eyes to ask what she was doing, I found myself alone, lost in my own suffering, condemning myself for wanting something so badly my mind started playing tricks on me. I hated waking up curled in a ball, insides feeling like they were trying to make their way outside. I also hated that it was the idea of Emrys in my space, in my life, and in my head, that was twisting me up as much as coming down from the booze and painkillers. The thought of her was what offered me the comfort I craved, but I didn’t want to feel better because of her. I was far too accustomed to feeling worthless because of what I had let happen to her. My tormented mind couldn’t handle the idea that she was the one thing that might be able to soothe the fiery regret and guilt that tore at me every minute of every day.
I’d spent five days sweating out the last of the tremors and shakes. My stomach finally settled slightly, and I could stand on my own without feeling like I was going to fall. When I looked in the mirror, I still cringed at what I saw. My skin was a ghastly gray instead of the deep tan that usually colored it this time of year. During a few moments of lucidity, I’d asked Cy to help me shower and cut my beard down so that it was nothing more than golden stubble that covered my chin and cheeks. With the face full of fuzz gone, I looked gaunt and haggard. My eyes were sunken into my face, dull and vacant. My lips hardly had any color. The red spots on my cheekbones made the hollows underneath even more prominent. It wasn’t a pretty picture. It was uncomfortable seeing how drastically my shitty coping methods had affected me. I looked like a man on the brink of losing everything. I looked like someone who had given up and given in. I looked just like my father after the third time my mother left him—the last and final time.
I groaned at the comparison and felt a heavy thud in my chest when I realized the harmful patterns I was repeating; I splashed some cold water on my face and brushed my teeth. It didn’t do much to put any life back in my eyes, but it did make me feel slightly more human and convinced me I could face the concerned looks from my family when I ventured out of my room for the first time in days.
It was late enough in the afternoon that Daye would be at school. Lately Leo was the one who picked Daye up. She was the one who had been meeting with her teachers when they were concerned about my daughter getting behind on school work. She was the one who signed Daye up for ballet and took her to classes twice a week. She was the one sitting with her working on her homework before dinner each night. She was the one promising my daughter I would be back to my old self before she knew it.
When Leo first showed up on the ranch, I never would have imagined her as someone my taciturn brother would be attracted to. She was too loud. Too cold and standoffish. I never would have guessed her heart was twice the size of our ranch and strong enough to take on all of us Warners and our issues. She gave my kid the stability she so desperately needed, showed her what a real mother should be like and did it all without question. She wasn’t taking care of Daye because she was my brother’s niece and my kid. She was doing it because she wanted my daughter to be happy and feel safe. She was there for Daye because she knew what it was like to have a mother who never bothered to show up. I owed Leo more than I could ever repay, and I would be forever grateful for everything she has done for my daughter without throwing me to the wolves in the process.
I’d been a less-than-stellar parent lately, and the fact that my fuck-ups had given Alexa an opening to drag me down to her level was a wake-up call I’d sorely needed. We were nothing alike. I never wanted Daye to look at me and wonder how she’d lost both her parents to something as frivolous as alcohol. She needed to know she was more important than the escape I was trying to lose myself in. She needed to believe that she would always come first and that she was always going to be the most important thing in my life. I might not be able to let go of the horrible memories and the weight of failure that haunted me, but there was no way in hell that I was going to let my little girl down. I’d been punishing myself for not being able to protect one woman without realizing I was leaving the girl who had my whole heart totally vulnerable and alone. I inadvertently pulled Daye into my downward spiral, and now I was going to do everything I could to untangle her from the suffocating vines that had been holding me captive since the day I let Emrys down.
The house was quiet. Cy wasn’t in his office and Lane was nowhere to be found. Cy mentioned while he was sitting with me in the hospital this go-around that they had been busy enough to consider hiring outside help. Lane didn’t mind taking the tourists out; he liked camping, fishing, hunting, and sleeping under the stars. He liked pretty girls from the city who wanted to see what he was packing in his tight Wranglers. Lately, there had been enough business for multiple trips at a time, but there was only one Lane. Cy didn’t love the outdoors the way my younger brother and I did. He preferred pushing paper and making millions. He liked to hunt a deal and wrangle a negotiation. He told me that Leo was interested in learning how to be a guide, but she was still too new to the area and he didn’t want to let her go for days at a time considering how unpredictable the wilderness—hell, even the guests—could be.
He said it all matter-of-factly with no blame or censure, but that didn’t stop shame from sitting heavy in my gut. I was the reason he was going to have to hire outside the family for the first time in the ranch’s history. At first, I’d been physically unable to ride and manage the heavy-lifting parts of the job. When my body started to heal, the rest of me went to shit. There was no way I was in any place mentally to be in charge of the well-being of others. I could hardly take care of myself day in and day out.
The truth was, I didn’t really miss it.
I loved horses and ranch life. I loved the outdoors and wide-open spaces. I loved feeling like it was me and the land and nothing else. I was born to be a rancher, not a luxury tour guide.
I hated tourists.
I despised soft, pampered men and women who wanted to play at being rugged and adventurous. I hated that they showed up, got waited on hand and foot, treated us like the hired help, and then went back to their congested, dirty cities. They didn’t appreciate my home and my way of life. I hated the way women looked at me like I would be a good time for a night and nothing more. I loathed that our guests were all anxious to get back to their cell phone reception and all-access Wi-Fi after only a couple of days of being unplugged. Their callous way of treating us and the property reminded me too much of my mother. She would fit in, have her fun, and leave the instant she got bored or the minute things got challenging. It had been getting increasingly hard to hold my tongue and play nice. I never wanted to branch out into the retreat part of our business, but Cy and Lane outvoted me. The revenue saved the ranch, turned it into a money-making machine, but it also stole a little piece of the ranch’s soul.
Brynn wasn’t in the kitchen and Leo didn’t answer when I called her name. My raspy voice echoed throughout the empty house in an eerie way. There was always someone rattling around the sprawling space. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had the run of the place.
Taking advantage of not having multiple sets of prying eyes all over me, I raided the big kitchen for something to dull the hollow ache in my stomach. All I’d consumed over the last few days was weak chicken broth and some bland rice. I wasn’t up to steak and potatoes just yet, but I figured I could keep down a PB&J sandwich. Brynn did a good job keeping our favorites on hand, and I was pleased to see she hadn’t forgotten about me while I’d been doing my best to waste away in the bunkhouse. The strawberry jelly was sickly sweet and offered a jolt of energy I so desperately needed.
I tossed the sticky knife into the sink and was shoving one corner of the sandwich into my mouth when Emrys walked into the kitchen. She had her eyes on her phone and there was a furrow on her brow as she looked at whatever was on the screen. Her long, dark hair was loose in midnight waves around her shoulders and her legs were encased in a pair of jeans that looked like they were painted on. She hadn’t noticed me yet, so I took the opportunity to look my fill. There was something about her that never failed to heat up my blood and make my dick take notice. She was unarguably beautiful, but it was more than that. There was something in the way she moved, the way she carried herself, her confidence and poise, that appealed to me. I admired her strength and her courage. There wasn’t anything on God’s green Earth that would make me want to go back to that day she’d been taken and I’d been shot. I’d been running from those memories at full speed; she was running toward them. She was so much braver than I was.
“Everything all right?” I asked the question before she walked into me.
She lifted her head and dropped the hand holding the phone. She put her free hand to her chest drawing my gaze to the rounded neck of her tank top and the wicked, red and pink scars that ran the length of her collarbone. The food in my mouth automatically went sour and it was all I could do to swallow the bite I was chewing.
“Everything is fine. I took a leave of absence from work several months ago. I was supposed to go back last week. I just got an email that my boss is posting my position if I’m not back in the office by Monday.” She shrugged. “I’m not ready to go back, so it is what it is, I guess. I’m glad to see you’re up and around. You look slightly better.”
I dropped the sandwich on a paper towel, eyes glued to the scars peeking out of her shirt. I wasn’t going to touch the fact that she seemed like she was intent on sticking around. “Where is everyone?”
“Lane is out on a ride with guests. Cy had a meeting in town. Something about buying a new horse or a new horse trailer, I can’t remember which. Brynn is on a lunch date with a guy from the next ranch over. Lane is not happy about that. There’s a cute blonde with double D’s from Seattle on his ride. I doubt we’ll be seeing him all night when they get back. Not the healthiest way to deal with jealousy, but if it keeps him from committing homicide, I’m all for it. Leo said today it was Daye’s day to have her parent be the in-classroom helper. Since you’ve been down for the count all week, she went in your place. Last text she sent me, she was elbow deep in homemade slime and trying to convince a room full of kindergartners that she’s a real cowgirl.” She gave me a lopsided grin and tucked her phone in her back pocket. “I told them I would keep an eye on you. I was coming in here to make you something to eat. I should have checked on you sooner.”
I grunted and crossed my arms over my chest. I was wearing an old t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants that rode low on my hips. Emrys didn’t try and hide that she appreciated the way the thin material of my shirt tightened around my biceps and pulled across my pecs.
“Leo has been a lifesaver with Daye. I don’t know what either of us would have done without her. My brother finally got the falling in love thing right. I guess there is a first time for everything.” I didn’t mean to sound snide, but I did. Warners and happily ever after didn’t mix, at least until Cy found Leo. It gave the rest of us hope we hadn’t dared have before.
Emrys lifted a shoulder and let it fall. I watched the way her hair slid across her skin and my mouth went dry as I watched the black velvet strands slide seductively across her ravaged, golden skin.
“All Leo ever wanted was to be loved and to love in return. You guys give her that. You helped her find her purpose. She wants to take care of the people who matter to her.”
Her words wrapped around me, and before I knew what I was doing, I was walking toward her, my bare feet silent on the hardwood floor. I stopped when I was directly in front of her. Her breath hitched and I saw her pulse flutter at the base of her elegant neck. Her dark eyebrows lifted in question and her full lips parted on a gasp when I reached out a finger and touched the tip of one of those marks that shouldn’t be on her flawless skin.
It was smooth under my fingertip and her flesh was hot. She shivered as I moved my finger across the puckered, lifted skin, tracing it to the point where it disappeared inside her tank top. Everything about her had changed that day, even the way she looked. I didn’t understand how she could stand it. Why she didn’t cover it up and hide from it the way I wanted to do.
“What about you, Em? What’s your purpose? What is it that you’ve always wanted?” I opened my hand and put it on the center of her chest, touching both her unmarred, velvety-smooth skin, and the jagged, uneven scars. I used my thumb to trace a line up the side of her neck, watching the way goosebumps followed the slight caress.
She lifted her hand and circled my wrist. Her whiskey-colored eyes were wide and questioning. Her tongue darted out and slicked across her lower lip, making my groin tighten and my blood go thick and languid. I wanted to taste the shiny surface, put my teeth on it and lick it. I bit back a groan as my pulse kicked against her fingers.
“I want to stop running when things get hard. I keep looking for something that matters enough to stick around.” She blinked up at me as I cocked my head to the side.
I used the tip of my thumb to trace the soft line of her jaw. She let out a breathy sound that I wanted to hear in the dark when I was buried deep inside of her, followed by my name when she came apart underneath me.
“Didn’t know you were a runner, Em.” There was a lot I didn’t know about her, and while it was probably better that way, I couldn’t keep the curiosity down. “Though you sure have the legs for it.”
She tossed her head back and laughed up at the ceiling. She gave her head a shake and muttered, “Are you kidding me? All I ever do is run. If a relationship seems like it’s going too fast or getting too serious, I ghost the guy. I stop calling, stop texting. I disappear. Once I moved out of an apartment I shared with a guy while he was away on business without telling him I was going, all because I found a ring in his sock drawer when I was putting away laundry. There was no way I wanted to marry him, but instead of telling him that, I bolted. I hook up with losers who want a place to stay more than they want me because I don’t want them to get attached. I fix their lives for them and watch them move on, all without an ounce of regret, because that’s easier than focusing on everything that’s wrong with me, on all the things I’ve never been able to fix in my own life. If I concentrate on someone else’s problems then I don’t have the time to worry about my own. Like the fact I’m not sure I’m worth much more than my face.”
She huffed out an irritated breath that I felt against my throat. “What do I have to offer when it really comes down to it? I quit my last job because my boss was a sexist pig. Every day he said something degrading and acted inappropriately, and you know what, he was far from the first. Instead of dealing with him, fighting him legally and forcing his hand so he couldn’t treat anyone else like a piece of meat, I quit. I always quit. When Leo broke up with the guy who was married and had lied to her their entire relationship, instead of letting her cry it out and feel sorry for herself until her heart healed, I dragged her here and put her life in danger. I couldn’t deal with my strong and cynical best friend being sad. I hated that she was ignoring me while she licked her wounds because she’s my only friend, Sutton. The. Only. One. She’s just as screwed up as I am, but at least she knows what she wants out of her life. I didn’t know what to do with her, so I tried to distract her.”
She let out a high-pitched laugh that bordered on the edge of hysteria, her eyes burning as they locked onto mine. “When we went back to the city, she was even sadder than before. Leaving Cy broke her heart. She was a different person after she fell in love with your brother. Instead of telling her to get her man, instead of supporting her and encouraging her to follow her heart, I ran away again. I left so she didn’t have to choose between me and your brother. I couldn’t stand the idea of her picking him over me, so I took the option out of her hands. I made the choice easy for both of us.” She squeezed her eyes shut and I could tell she was fighting back tears. Her voice was clogged with emotion when she started to speak again.
“Then, there was you. You told me to go and I went, even though I didn’t want to. I knew we needed each other, Sutton. I knew we needed to talk about what happened. I ran from you because you told me to go, and it was easier to leave than it was to fight to stay.”
She was worried about me. Nervous, not because she was alone with me, leaving her unprotected and vulnerable, she wasn’t worried that I couldn’t take care of her. She was afraid because I couldn’t take care of myself. It was there in her eyes, every ounce of concern and care that had been there since we were pulled bloody and broken off the side of the mountain.
She sucked in a breath and put her hand on the center of my chest where my scar lived. We were touching each other’s faults, had our hands on the other’s worst memory. That shook something deep down inside of me. Rattled parts of me that I thought were immovable and rigid.
“We need to talk, Sutton. I have things I need to say to you.” She sounded like she was in pain.
I didn’t want her words if they were going to hurt her, and I really didn’t want them if they were going to cut through me. My walls had been down since her attack. My only protection had been found in a bottle of whiskey and pills. She could slay me without even trying. “Don’t have much to say, Em, and I’m not interested in you trying to fix me.” There was no going back to the man I’d been before. I wasn’t about to sign up to be one of her pet projects so she could feel better about what happened between us.
“If you let me talk to you, if you listen to what I have to say, I’ll take you any way you come, Sutton.” She was practically pleading with me, telling me my broken was better than nothing, but I still didn’t want to hear it.
I could see she was gearing up to give it to me, to hand over the burden that had weighed her down enough to drag her back here. She wanted to talk and there was only one way I was going to get out of having the conversation she was determined to have.
Without considering the consequences of my actions, or the fact that I already couldn’t stop thinking about her, I lowered my mouth to hers and kissed her into silence. I should have known that first touch was going to steal more than my breath.
The woman claimed she was always running away, and yet every time I turned around she seemed to be running directly at me. I just had to be fast enough to catch her before we crashed into one another.