2
I was seated at the desk in the bedroom I used as my studio, the one where I filmed my natural hair videos and edited them. The editing software was open on my computer, but my eyes were drifting all over the room—from the studio lights that were shoved in a corner, to the digital camera that still sat on my tripod, and along with my eyes, my mind was focused on everything but the task at hand.
Nicky basically calling me a dumb loser spinster had really gotten to me. It wasn’t like I didn’t know it was pathetic of me to have committed years to relationships with assholes. Of course I knew it. The mere thought of my own stupidity followed me around like a shadow even on an overcast day. I knew I was stupid for falling for Benny in junior high and hanging on to his hapless ass for six whole years. And yeah, I should’ve known better than to have fallen into the same trap with Khalil. After all, I was a grown-ass, twenty-two-year-old woman when we hooked up, a grown-ass woman who gave another loser five years of love and devotion. But I woke up and learned from my mistakes. I was fine, content. So why did she have to dredge up my train wreck of a past, and why were her words bothering me so much?
I shook my head and stared at myself on the screen. The video I was editing was one I did demonstrating how to do your own faux dreadlocks. I was still wearing mine, and they actually looked pretty good for this being my first time trying that particular protective style. I looked at my brown skin against the stark white wall that served as a backdrop since I was still waiting for the backdrop banner I’d ordered to come in. I stared at my wide-set chocolate eyes, my strong nose and prominent cheekbones I’d inherited from my daddy. My lip-glossed lips were full and plush. I was cute. Not drop-dead, faint-in-your-tracks gorgeous, but I was cute with a head of thick, kinky hair that reached the middle of my back when flat-ironed (because 4C shrinkage is real), and a nice body. I was somewhere in between Nicky, who was the same height as me, five-five, but ridiculously thin, and Renee, who was a couple of inches taller than me and Nicky, and a big girl. Not sloppy big, but Jill Scott big—huge breasts, nice legs, and by far, the prettiest of us three.
I wasn’t a show-stopper, and I’d gained a few pounds since I started working from home as a vlogger a few years earlier, but hell, I wasn’t huge or ugly. I dressed to complement my body, I was smart, successful, and even YouTube famous, so why the hell did I have a big target on my back that only asshole men were able to hit? Actually, I was almost certain that I was only attracted to horrible men. I mean, that was the only logical explanation. And that was why I had decided to never date again. Ever. Because I couldn’t be trusted to pick the right kind of guy. You know, one that will tell the truth, actually like me, and not treat me like total and complete shit. Little things like that. I couldn’t be trusted, so I had made the decision to live out my days alone in my side of this lovely duplex, collecting rent from whoever passed through the other apartment and making videos until that ship sailed. Eventually, I’d probably get a couple of cats to keep me company, but whatever. Anything beat being made a fool of for a third time. Anything, including utilizing my brand new Rabbit5000 vibrator. Shit, vibratory sex was the best sex I’d ever had anyway, because neither Khalil nor Benny gave a damn about trying to satisfy me.
I shook my head at myself. I could kill Nicky for saying that mess to me and jacking up my mind and reminding me of both my stupidity and my loneliness. Yes, I was lonely, lonely as hell, had shut all of my friends out long ago. But that was just the price I’d had to pay to keep my sanity…and my pride.
I sighed as I stood and made my way to the kitchen to grab a soda and some chips. Maybe I could snack my way to being productive.
*****
Sitting in front of my TV watching a DVR’d episode of Greenleaf, I sighed as I thought about Renee. I hadn’t talked to her since Nicky’s little birthday celebration at the club, and I was worried about her. Well, I always worried about her, but this was a little different. Renee was nothing if not extremely forgiving. No matter what Nicky or I said to her, she usually made a point of calling us every week just to chat. It’d been a couple of weeks since me and Nicky attacked her, and we shouldn’t have done that. Although she was the oldest, she was also the most fragile emotionally, and Robert had taken her to hell and back. Instead of deriding her for staying with him, we should’ve at least been kind of supportive, but it was so hard when you knew she deserved much, much better. I hoped she was okay.
I glanced at my phone and told myself hoping didn’t make any sense when all I had to do was dial her number, but see, the problem with that was I never knew when she and Robert were into it about something. I had stopped calling her years ago after she answered the phone in tears and I went over there and cursed Robert out. She had caught him cheating and they’d had an argument during which he called her every name in the book, mad because he was caught. So I told him about himself and took my sister home with me.
She went back to him a week later.
I shook my head. I couldn’t take a chance on a repeat of that fiasco. I’d just have to wait her out.