CHAPTER 30
CASSIE
His kiss lingers long after it's gone. I'd always wondered what it would feel like to have Jon kiss me. God, I was so stupid when I met him. It's a wonder we got along at all. I think back and smile. Then I glance around at the basement apartment and dark paneling and I feel sick.
Grabbing a sweater, I shout to Beth, "I'm going for a walk."
"You're gonna get shot!"
"I'm fine. I'll be back in time for work. Don't leave without me." I'm out the door before she can reply or offer to come with me. I walk around to the side gate and when I look up I see the guy who gave me his inhaler.
Kam nods at me once, his dark eyes following me as I walk down the street. The park isn't too far from here. I suck in the cool air and let it fill my lungs until it feels like they're going to burst. Pulling my sweater tighter around me, I make my way into the little park and over to the swings. There's no one here right now. It's a bit too cool and damp to bring the toddlers out, and the older kids are still in school.
After wiping off the damp swing with my sleeve, I sit down. My head hangs between my shoulders as I study the way my shoes make lines in the clumpy sand. I wish I was able to fix my life, but wishing has never fixed anything. I can't divorce Mark without money, and it takes a lot more than I have. When I told my mom what happened, she didn't help me. She told me that I made this mess and I need to clean it up. As if I signed up to have a guy beat the shit out of me. Toby, my perfect older brother, agreed with her, and Dad's dead. There was no one to defend me, no one to offer me solace, or a place to rest my head when Mark tried to take it off my shoulders.
Things weren't bad at first. In the beginning, Mark was perfect. He didn't push me to do anything I didn't want to do. We'd stay up late and talk for hours, confessing our secrets. He made me happy. Mark didn't tell me that I was strange for wanting to wait to be with him until we were married. He held my hand and seemed content. Then came the wedding ring and when the honeymoon arrived, I was alone with him and Mark was a different man. The kind, patient person I fell in love with disappeared and I was left with someone else.
The first time we were together, I was so nervous that I couldn't do what he wanted. It was too much, too fast. I tried, but it hurt. I thought he'd let me stop, or slow down a little, but he didn't. His hand hit my face so hard that it left a mark. The next day when he was smiling at me over breakfast, I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I thought it was my fault.
Months passed and I was trapped. One time I tried to run away, but he found me. Mark showed up at work and got me fired. When I found out how much money I needed for a divorce, I didn't know what to do. Mark handled all the money. He didn't let me touch it, so I had nothing. He used my credit to buy things, he used my money, he used my body—he used me. It took me forever to figure out that he didn't love me.
I've never been so wrong about someone in my entire life, except maybe Jon. I never gave him a chance back then, and I regret it now. Seeing him again, tasting his lips like that, makes me realize how much I messed up. If I could take back what I did to him, I would.
A twig snaps, forcing my gaze to lift. I glance around for the source of the noise but there isn't anyone around. The park is empty, like it was before, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm being watched. The hairs on the back of my neck prickle, so I smooth it with my hand and glance around. Leaves rustle in the breeze, before a gray bunny hops out from behind a trash can.
I smile to myself for being paranoid. I always think every out of place sound is Mark sneaking up on me, even though I haven't seen him in a while. I'd like to feel safe again, someday. Pushing off the swing, I head back.
Beth is already dressed in a soft track suit with her bag over her shoulder. She's standing at the kitchen counter, stuffing a sandwich into her mouth as fast as possible. "Hurry up," she sputters, spewing crumbs everywhere.
"Why? It's still early."
"New boss wants us there now. We're late."
"The new boss. Right."
____
On the ride to work, I'm too quiet and Beth notices. She glances over at me. "So, are you ever going to tell me what went down between you two?"
"There's not much to tell."
"Liar. Just spill it. You'll feel better and facing him won't suck so much."
"Confession has never worked like that for me. It's always turned around and bitten me on the ass."
"Well, then you're doing it wrong." Beth blares the horn at someone and then bobs and weaves through traffic like she's possessed.
Gripping the door handle, I push myself back into the seat. "You might want to slow down a little."
"We're late."
"Fine, I'll tell you. Just slow down."
Beth gives me a wicked grin and then we both laugh as she resumes a normal driving speed. "So spill. Did you do it with him? Scorned lovers, right?"
Smiling, I shake my head and look at my fingernails. "No, it wasn't like that. We were friends, really good friends. The scar on my neck," I point to it, dragging my finger along the mark, "I got it when I was with Jon. There was a bombing and he saved me. His back is as cut up as my neck. If he didn't throw himself on top of me, I would have died. Someone else did. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time." I don't look up at her. My lashes remain lowered, my gaze locked on my fingers.
"So, then what's up with you two?"
I shrug. "I don't know."
"Cass..."
I don't want to tell her. It sounds horrible, and saying it out loud makes it worse. But I find the words and tell my story. "Fine, I do know. He hates me. I sold him out. At the end of the summer we spent together, a reporter wanted to know some things about the Ferros and had noticed me hanging around Jon all summer. I talked to him. He ran a story, and Jon never spoke to me again." Pressing my lips into a thin line, I try not to think about it. I was so naïve.
"What'd you tell the reporter?"
"Does it matter? It was enough to ruin whatever relationship we had." I sigh and lean my head against the window, watching the cars zip by.
"I'm sorry, but I can't believe you acted maliciously. You're too fucking nice to everyone. Did the guy trick you or something?" I wish he did, but it's not the truth. I shake my head and don't offer anything else. "Come on Cassie, there's gotta be—"
"There is no reason. Jon trusted me and I stabbed him in the back, okay? End of story. So now you know. Leave it alone." My throat tightens as the memories come flooding back. I can see the reporter, almost hear his voice. Confidence was strewn across my face as I answered him, certain that I was doing the right thing. Then I see the look on Jon's face when he found out, the blank stare that screams he can't believe I'd ever do something like that to him. But, I did. His uncle tossed my ass off their property before I could say anything. They never found out what happened, or why I did it.
When Beth pulls her car into the club parking lot, my heart races. Every inch of my body is tense, like I'm facing a firing squad, and I can't hide it. Beth pulls the keys from the ignition and turns to me. "And what else? Because there's something else. I'm not blind, Cass. Tell me."
I glance at her, quickly wishing that I could hide until this blows over, but it never seems to stop. There's always something else picking me clean, stripping me to the bone. I'm a mess of raw nerves and although she means well, I don't want to talk about it because there's nothing to say. It doesn't mean anything, not to Jon. Just before I push the door open, I tell her, "He kissed me last night."