I TOSS AND TURN ALL night. It’s no different from most other nights, except tonight, when I find myself unable to sleep, I can’t help getting out of bed and going into the next room to check on Sammy. Every time, she’s sound asleep, so I don’t know why I’m feeling the need to check on her again, but I am.
Normally on Sundays, I sleep in a little. Mass doesn’t start until ten, which gives me at least two extra hours of sleep if I want it, but that’s not going to happen this morning.
After checking on Sammy one more time, I head downstairs and am met with Kay whisking batter in a bowl.
“Can’t sleep?” she asks, barely turning around to see it’s me.
“No,” I groan, heading directly for the coffee pot. “Tossed and turned all night.”
“I think I checked on Sammy half a dozen times.” She laughs, shaking her head.
“I’m surprised we missed each other.” I lift the coffee up to my mouth and inhale the aroma before I take my first sip. “We must’ve been like two ships passin’ in the night.”
Kay walks over to the stove and pulls out her iron griddle for the pancakes she promised Sammy.
“You’re really good with her,” she says, turning to me and smiling. “I knew you would be, but seeing you with her last night was just . . .” She drifts off, shaking her head. “She’s so precious, Tucker. My only regret is that we didn’t know her sooner, and . . . well, I’m just so sorry about her mama.”
“Yeah, it’s definitely not the best-case scenario.”
“She’s real sick, huh?” Kay asks and I can see the worry and concern on her face. She’s a mama and she knows. Like Annie, Kay loves taking care of people. It’s what God put her on this earth to do, so of course, Sophie’s story bothers her.
“She is.” I nod my head, taking a deep breath. “A lot worse than I even realized at first.”
Kay bites down on her lip and draws her brows together. “I really hate it. For her and for that precious baby. It just doesn’t seem fair.”
“I know. I’ve thought the same thing a hundred times. I hate it too, for Sammy and for Sophie. She’s a good mom, Kay. You’d really like her. She loves that little girl more than anything. I can’t say I’m too happy about the fact that she waited until now to search me out, but I can’t fault her. It was a crazy situation and she didn’t know me. She just wanted to live her life with Sammy and be happy, but it’s not going to work out like that.”
Kay sighs and turns to the stove. She’s quiet for a minute, probably collecting herself.
“I talked to Cami this mornin’.” She sniffles once before continuing. “She’s a little upset that you didn’t call her and tell her Sammy was comin’ yesterday.”
Shit.
“I forgot. Honestly, the only thing I could think about yesterday was getting Sammy and trying to figure out how all of this is gonna work.”
“She knows that, and she’s not mad, but she is comin’ over first thing this mornin’.”
I should’ve seen that one coming.
“Coffee,” my dad groans, walking into the kitchen, looking as tired as I feel.
“I might’ve left you a cup.” I give him a smirk and he messes up my hair on his way by, like he always did when I was a kid.
“Pancakes will be ready shortly,” Kay offers, leaning over for a kiss from my dad. “And I’ll make another pot of coffee.”
“I got the coffee under control.” He pours himself a cup and then goes about fixing another pot.
“Were you up checkin’ on Sammy, too?” I ask my dad.
“I didn’t have to; I had you and Kay doin’ it for me.” The expression on his face would seem stern to the untrained eye, but I can see the softness around the edges. Still, I feel the need to apologize which, of course, he dismisses with a wave of his hand. “It was the same when Cami had Carter and was stayin’ with us. In an odd way, it was comforting.” He smiles before sipping his coffee.
“So, um, I remember when Carter was a baby and we weren’t allowed to wake him up unless it was absolutely necessary. Sammy isn’t an infant, obviously, but does the same rule apply? Do I wake her up for breakfast or do I let her sleep? I mean, I don’t want to mess with her sleep routine, but it just doesn’t feel right eatin’ without her.”
“It’s probably best to let her sleep in a bit,” Kay says, smiling. “Here’s some bacon to hold you over.” She winks at me as she sets a platter of the delicious meat in front of me.
“I like bacon, too.”
My dad, Kay, and I all turn in unison toward the dainty, but clear, voice of Sammy, who’s standing at the bottom of the stairs watching us. I can’t explain the feeling that comes over me, but it’s as if I can breathe again, just from seeing her. In an instant, I’m out of my seat and walking toward the stairs. When I reach her, I bend down and kiss the top of her head.
“Mornin’, sunshine.”
“How’d you know to call me that?” She looks up at me with such a curious and skeptical expression, I almost laugh.
“I didn’t know, it just came to me,” I tell her honestly.
“My Mamie calls me that. She says I light up every room I’m in.”
“Well, your Mamie is a very smart lady. Would you like some breakfast? Kay made pancakes, just like she promised.”
“Yes, please! And don’t forget the bacon.” She grabs my hand and pulls until I have no choice but to follow her to the kitchen table. I quickly realize I’ll gladly follow Sammy anywhere, this is just the beginning.
We’re cleaning up after breakfast when I see Cami’s car pull up in the driveway.
“Looks like we have company,” I announce.
“Who’s here?” Sammy asks. “Is it Mama?” She seems to be a mixture of excitement and uncertainty and my heart breaks for this little girl again. “No, it’s my sister and her son, Carter. He’s about your age, just a little older.”
“Oh, okay.”
I watch Sammy take a deep breath and compose herself before facing the front door. How she’s learned to do that at such a young age, I’ll never understand.
We hear a knock just before Carter opens the door and runs inside.
“Son,” Cami calls after him, “you’re supposed to wait for someone to open the door for you, not open it yourself!” My sister walks in with a huff and I’m not sure if it’s because of Carter’s manners or the fact she’s so freaking pregnant, but it’s probably both. Either way, I’m not saying a word. “Sorry we just barged in,” she tells me before kissing my cheek.
“No, you’re not.” I laugh and close the door behind her.
I’m startled by the gasp that leaves Cami’s mouth and when I turn back around to her, I see her staring at Sammy. Her hand covers her mouth and she looks up at me with tears in her eyes.
“Tucker,” she whispers.
I nod my head and give her an understanding smile. “I know.”
My sister and I stand together and watch as Carter walks up to Sammy. He removes his backpack from his shoulder and holds it out to her. I can see from here that it’s opened and full of toys.
“I’m Carter. I like cars and dinosaurs. What do you like?”
“I like everything and my name is Sammy.”
“Cool,” he responds. “Wanna play?”
“Sure!” Sammy takes the backpack from Carter and follows him, sitting on the living room floor.
“Hey, Sammy, before y’all start playin’, there’s someone I’d like for you to meet.”
She hops back up and walks over to me, grabbing my hand.
“Hi, Sammy, I’m your Aunt Cami,” my sister says, waving her hand.
Sammy tilts her head while her eyes scan over Cami’s face, examining her closely. It doesn’t take long for her to smile, though.
“Our names rhyme,” Sammy states matter-of-factly.
“They sure do,” Cami agrees.
“And you have the same crazy hair as me and Tucker!”
We all laugh at that observation.
“I think Tucker’s hair is the craziest, though,” Cami confides with a fake whisper.
Sammy laughs and looks up at me. “Yeah, but I like it.”
For some reason, hearing that Sammy likes my hair makes me feel like I’ve officially received her stamp of approval. It makes my chest warm and I might even be blushing a little bit.
“Can I play with Carter now?” Sammy asks.
“Of course, darlin’. Go ahead.” I loosen my hold on her hand but before she runs off, Sammy wraps her arms around my legs and squeezes. I have enough sense to hug her back, but I’m too stunned to do much else. Thankfully, Sammy doesn’t seem to notice my awkwardness, so she skips, literally, over to where Carter has every toy from his backpack spread out on the living room floor.
I know my eyes are still wide when I look back at Cami.
“Well, big brother, I’d say that little girl is quite smitten with you.” She’s smiling at me and she looks so proud, and for the first time I feel like I might be able to do this dad-thing. Even crazier than that is, I want to.
Cami, Dad, Kay, and I sit and watch Sammy and Carter play like we’re watching a movie or looking at fine art. They’re fascinating. The way they’re immediately drawn to each other and talk to each other like old friends is mesmerizing. If only adults could do that—let down walls, let go of insecurities, and just be.
We skipped church this morning. I’m sure Annie is wondering where everybody is, well, except me. I haven’t been to mass or confession as often as I should since I got back and this morning, with Sammy here, it just didn’t happen. However, the rest of them will have some explaining to do, or I guess, I’ll be the one doing the explaining. The thought makes my stomach flip, but I’m ready for everyone to know about Sammy.
When it’s time to get ready for dinner at the Landry’s, I freeze.
“What’s wrong?” Cami asks as she hands Carter the backpack for him to load up his toys.
“Uh, I guess Sammy needs a bath or something, right?”
Cami laughs. “Yeah, she might need a bath.”
I stare at Sammy and then back at Cami, shaking my head. “I don’t think I can do that.”
“Sure, you can.” Cami smiles at Carter as he tosses another toy into the bag and then at Sammy as she brings a handful over. “It’s easy. I’ll show you.”
After the kids are finished picking up the living room, my dad heads out to work on a tractor until it’s time for dinner and Kay goes into the kitchen to clean up from breakfast. We’ve all been a bit preoccupied and off our normal schedule since Sammy showed up yesterday. I know at some point we’ll have to get used to the idea of her being here and go on with life, but for now, she’s still a novelty.
And she’s mine.
I still have to remind myself of that, often pinching myself to see if this is all real.
I’m a dad.
I have a little girl.
“Ready for a bath?” Cami asks, pulling me out of my thoughts and making my heart leap into my chest.
Sammy stops what she’s doing and turns to look at me. “My mommy doesn’t give me baths. She gives me showers.”
“Well, okay then,” Cami says, rolling with the punches. “Shower it is. How about I go up and get the water started for you and then you tell me what you need help with.”
“I can do it by myself.” Sammy’s little chin juts out and she blinks her eyes, like Sophie, letting us know she’s capable of completing the task at hand.
“Sounds good.” Cami smiles over at me and shakes her head, trying not to laugh at Sammy’s stubbornness. Obviously, she comes by that honestly. “The shower upstairs is a little tricky. How about I show you how to work it and then you can do the rest?”
“Okay,” Sammy agrees, taking the stairs with confidence.
“Always make it seem like it’s their idea. That’s the secret.” Cami’s words are hushed, but I’m taking notes every step of the way.
After Cami shows Sammy where everything is and gets the shower started, double checking the water, she steps out of the bathroom. With the door still partially cracked, she leans against the wall beside me.
“Quite a little firecracker you’ve got there.” She smiles, pointing over her shoulder. “What is she? Like, four going on fourteen?”
“Seems like it, sometimes.” Sammy seems wise beyond her years and it makes my heart ache for the little girl who’s had no choice but to grow up too quickly. But there are times, like with her stuffed animal and being tucked into bed last night, she’s every bit the four-year-old she should be. I want to savor those moments. I’ve missed out on so much. I don’t want her to grow up too quickly.
“She’s perfect.” Cami sighs, peeking her head into the bathroom. “Everything okay in there?” she calls out.
“Yes,” Sammy replies from behind the shower curtain. “I’m a big girl. You don’t have to stay in here.”
“Oh, I’m not, just checkin’ on you.”
“Is it okay for her to be in there by herself?” I ask, feeling nerves in the pit of my stomach.
“She’s fine.” Cami smiles, pinning me down with those blue eyes that are so similar to Sammy’s. “She’s not gonna drown or anything. And if she wants to do it by herself, you’ve gotta let her. Keep things as normal as possible. She needs that.”
“Right,” I agree, letting out a pent-up breath. “I just don’t know what I’m doin’. I feel like I’m gonna mess up, do somethin’ wrong.”
“That’s called being a parent.”
We hear the water turn off and then silence. I want to give Sammy her space, but I also need to know she’s okay. So, I’m the one to crack the door this time.
“Everything okay in there?” I ask.
“Yes,” Sammy says with exasperation. The annoyance is thick in her voice and I have to close the door so she can’t hear mine and Cami’s muffled laughs.
“Get used to that,” Cami whispers. “She’s gonna be usin’ that tone for the next fifteen years.”
I smile, shaking my head at the thought. “Is it wrong to be happy about that?” I ask.
“No.”
“I mean, the fact that I’m gonna have her for the next fifteen years . . . and the fifteen after that. I missed out on the first four years of her life, but I get to watch her grow up. That makes me happy. It doesn’t make up for it, but it makes me happy . . . but in the same breath incredibly sad, because Sophie’s not gonna get that. The guilt kills me sometimes.”
“I’m not gonna lie. It sucks,” she says, resting her hands over her belly. “But you’ve gotta stay positive. She’s gonna need that.”
We hear something scoot across the tiled floor, and this time, we both poke our heads into the bathroom. When we do, we see this adorable little girl with her hair wrapped up in a huge towel, and she’s standing on the step stool, with another towel wrapped around her, looking at herself in the mirror.
It’s the cutest thing I’ve seen all day. I would say ever, but since Sammy came into my life, I feel that way every time she does something new, something I’ve never seen her do before.
“I need to brush my teeth.”
“Okay, well, after you’re finished with that, I’ve got some clothes laid out for you on the bed.”
“Thanks for letting me sleep in your old bed,” Sammy says, looking at Cami through the mirror. “It was really soft.”
“I’m glad you liked it.”
By the time Sammy is dressed, her hair is almost dry and I’m left to figure out what to do with it. I know my own curls are pretty much uncontrollable, especially when they air dry, but I just let them do whatever they’re gonna do. The longer my hair gets, the crazier it is.
“What do we do with this?” I ask, picking up the end of one of her curls and letting it fall back to her shoulder.
“Ponytail?” she asks, with an adorable scrunched up face.
“Ponytail. Right. I can do that.”
I start brushing her hair, but quickly realize that’s not going to work. If we were going to brush her hair, it needed to happen before it dried. I’ll remember that for next time. So, instead of taming the curls, I start gathering them on top of her head. Once they’re all bunched up, she hands me a pink ponytail holder.
Wrapping it around a couple of times, I give it a wiggle to make sure it’s not going to fall. “How’s that?” I ask, stepping back so she can see herself in the vanity mirror.
“It’ll work,” she sighs, rocking her head from side to side, watching the messy curls bounce. “You’ll get better.” She pats me on my cheek and goes to the bed to get Bubba.
I can’t ignore the squeeze I feel in my chest at her vote of confidence. I needed that more than I knew.
“Ready?” I ask, offering her my hand.
She looks up at me and lets out another sigh, but this time it’s long and the way her eyes search the room, I’m worried. Maybe she misses her mom or is feeling sad.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, pausing at the door.
“I’m nervous about going to the castle,” she confesses.
I laugh, because it’s so fucking cute, I can’t help it, and it’s a relief because it’s so much less than the concerns I had going through my mind.
“Oh, Sammy, don’t be nervous. It’s really not even a castle. It’s just a big white house where Sam and Annie live. And Micah and Deacon will be there. Deacon is married to Cami, so you’ve already met her. And you’ll meet a really nice girl named Dani. And Carter will be there,” I say, trying to set her nerves at ease, but I watch as her face falls.
“It’s not a castle?” she asks, her forehead scrunching up in disbelief.
“Well, I mean, it’s not like a castle castle . . . it’s, uh, it’s . . . yeah, it’s a castle.” I’m lying. Why am I lying? That’s so wrong. I’m supposed to be setting a good example and I’m already screwing it up.
“But there’s no king or queen?” she asks, still trying to fit it all together.
“Right. No king or queen, just Sam and Annie. They’re really nice. You’re gonna love them. I promise.”
“Okay.” She gives me a small smile and finally takes my hand.
I’m pretty sure I suck at this dad thing.
“So, you want us to wait out here?” Kay asks as we walk up on the front porch at the Landry’s. We talked earlier that it’d be better for me to go in and tell everyone about Sammy and then let her meet everyone, instead of bringing her into the mix without warning.
I know they’re going to be awesome about it, but I want to make it as easy as possible for her.
“Yeah, just hang out here on the front porch with Kay,” I tell Sammy, kneeling in front of her. “I’ll let you know when to come inside. It won’t be long, okay?”
“Okay.” Sammy nods her head, the lopsided ponytail bouncing, mocking my lack of skills. Regardless, she’s still the cutest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on and I know everyone in there is going to agree with me.
Surprisingly enough, I’m not as nervous as I thought I might be. Maybe it’s because I’ve already been through this a couple of times now and it’s getting easier, or maybe it’s because I really want everyone to know about Sammy. I want them to meet her and see how amazing she is.
When my dad and I walk in, Cami is already giving me an eager, excited look. The other amazing thing is that my sister has managed to keep all of this a secret. Not even Deacon knows. Carter is looking around me, obviously searching for Sammy, so I know I need talk fast before he spills the beans.
“Uh, I have something I need to tell everyone,” I announce, gaining Annie’s attention as she pulls a roast out of the oven.
“Okay.” She smiles at me and walks to the dining table, placing the roast in the center. “Sam, boys,” she calls out, getting everyone to the table quickly, like only she can.
I clear my throat as everyone takes their seat, giving me mixed looks of concern and intrigue.
“Where’s Kay?” Sam asks, taking his seat by Annie.
“Uh, she’ll be here in a minute,” my dad replies, answering for me.
I glance over and he gives me an encouraging wink, nudging me along.
“So, yeah, I have something I need to tell all of you.”
“I know,” Carter says with excitement, raising his hand like he’s in school.
Cami quickly pulls him closer to her, whispering in his ear. I watch as his expression changes and then he smiles up at me.
“Are you leavin’ again?” Micah asks. “I was wonderin’ how long you’d hang around, but I’ve never known you to make any grand announcements about tour dates.”
“This isn’t about the band.”
“Did you finally sell a song?” Deacon asks, stealing a roll from the table and getting a disapproving look from Annie.
“No.” I shake my head, suddenly feeling the tiniest bit of nerves. I decide to just go for it, before anyone else can offer up another guess. “Uh, I recently found out that I’m a dad.”
“What?” Dani’s jaw practically hits the table.
I hear a gasp come from Annie, but it’s Sam’s look of solidarity that keeps me going. I’m sure he’s putting the pieces together as I speak.
“I, uh, have a daughter. Her name is Samanie, Sammy for short. She’s four.”
“Holy shit.” Micah looks like a deer in headlights.
“Whoa,” Deacon adds.
Everyone seems to be letting it soak in, so I continue.
“Uh, her mom is sick. She’s had cancer since she was sixteen. She thought it was in remission, but it’s back and they’re not givin’ her long to live.”
“Oh, my God.” This time it’s Annie who speaks.
“Her mom’s name is Sophie. She’s someone I met after one of my concerts. We didn’t know each other past that.” I clear my throat, not wanting to go into details, because Carter is sitting at the table. “When she got her last diagnosis, she started seekin’ me out, finally trackin’ me down about a month ago. I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen, so I didn’t want to say anything until I did. But Sammy’s here this weekend. She’s stayin’ for a couple of days, and sometime soon, she’ll be stayin’ for good.”
“Is she here? Now?” Annie asks, looking around the space like Sammy’s going to pop out from the corner or something.
“She’s outside with Kay. I wanted to tell y’all first before I brought her in. She’s been through a lot, but she’s amazing and one of the smartest kids I’ve ever met.”
I give Carter a wink.
“She’s nice,” Carter adds. “We played dinosaurs.”
“Well, can we meet her?” Annie asks, her impatience growing.
“Yeah, sure. I’ll go get her.” I start to walk away, but turn around quickly. “Oh, she thinks this is a castle. So, if she asks about it, just play along, okay?”
Annie smiles and nods. “Of course.”