Joshua

I sat alone in my apartment and waited for her to reply, and say something about the flowers, but she didn't.

Discouraged, I went out and bought a carton of takeout fried chicken from a small place down the street. I grabbed a six-pack of beer from the corner liquor store and went back up to my apartment in the building by the park.

I could have been out with the boys from work, drinking at a classy bar, ogling the pretty women there, maybe picking one up for a night of easy meaningless sex, but somehow, that felt empty to me now. Sure, maybe it was what I enjoyed five years earlier, before I met and became engaged to Christie, but now?

It felt like a charade. Like an empty waste of time.

A bunch of lonely men pretending to be having fun, laughing it up, getting slightly drunk or stoned, when all we really wanted was something more. A deeper connection to someone who had your back, who looked forward to seeing you each morning and at who wanted to spend time with you at the end of each day. Where the sex wasn't meaningless, but was instead deep and intense because you knew exactly what did it for her and she knew what did it for you, and you both delivered.

I thought I had that with Christie, but I was self-deceived. I'd kept myself emotionally locked up ever since we split, and it was only running into Ella, and helping her out when she was in need, that opened me up again to how it felt to be human with another woman.

My cell dinged and I had to wipe my hands off quickly before picking it up off the coffee table to check it out.

ELLA: The flowers are lovely. Thank you. I put them in this spaghetti sauce jar because it was the only thing big enough to hold them without falling over. I actually had to go out back behind the building and get the jar out of the recycling bin. You can imagine me bending over into it, fishing around in the cans and jars, almost falling inside.

I smiled, my grin huge. Well, at least I knew she didn't throw them into the trash.

JOSH: I'm glad you like them. I was worried you'd have thrown them into the trash, but I'm glad you got to reuse that spaghetti sauce jar. Reduce, reuse and recycle is my motto.

She didn't respond back, nor were there any bouncing dots indicating a response was coming and I felt sad. I wanted her to come over right then and there so we could be together instead of me being alone texting her.

JOSH: So, I suppose that means that I missed out on a nice spaghetti dinner… Did you make meatballs?

Then, she did start to answer and I had hope for the first time in a long time.

ELLA: Actually, I did make meatballs but alas, my cooking skills are not up to Mrs. Corleone's or whoever it was who made them at that restaurant we went to.

JOSH: I could probably ask for the recipe the next time we go. They like me there. I'm a regular.

There was a pause and I waited with a smile on my face to see how she'd respond.

ELLA: I saw what you did there…

JOSH: What did I do???

I waited but there was no reply. Damn… I really had to work hard to get her to stay engaged.

JOSH: So, I have it from sources who are in the know that the resort in Bali has the very best fresh fish and seafood, and it's served daily at an all-day buffet and restaurant. We could order in and stay in the room for the entire time we're there, or we could get dressed up one night when we need a break from all the nakedness and go sit in the lovely outdoor dining room that is described as, and I quote, "open to the magnificent tropical night sky filled with a million stars."

I waited but again, no response.

Then, she texted me an image of the roses in the Catelli spaghetti sauce jar. The label had been partially scraped off, but it was clear enough to know what brand. She'd had to trim the stems so that the roses didn't fall out of the jar, but it was still a nice bouquet.

JOSH: I want to come by and see your apartment.

Of course, I wanted more than just to see her apartment, but I was truly curious about her place. I wanted to see where she lived so I could picture her there.

ELLA: I could send you a video of the place. It's pretty small and would only take about five seconds to cover everything. There's a Murphy bed, and a small desk, a two-seater table against the wall beside the kitchenette, and a television mounted to the other wall. The bathroom is about four by four feet with a tiny shower, toilet and miniature sink. And there's one full wall of brick. It's tiny, but it's mine, all mine.

JOSH: Sounds amazing.

JOSH: So, no invite over for a late-night visit?

ELLA: I'm exhausted after working four straight twelve-hour days, frankly.

JOSH: Three days of sun, surf and … whatever your heart desires is the remedy for that.

ELLA: I thought Bali was the fulfilment of your fantasies, not mine.

JOSH: Your desire is my pleasure.

There was a long pause and I knew I was pushing a bit too much, but I didn't want to lose her now. I had to keep pressing her to let herself do what I thought she really wanted – I thought – I hoped – that she wanted to be with me, but was afraid. That was my fault for not being truthful to her right from the start about who I was. If I had, she would have trusted me more, and understood that whatever we felt was both mutual and real.

JOSH: Ella, if I could go back in time to the day we met in the elevator, I would tell you the truth about who I was, so you wouldn't be concerned about me being honest. It was just so nice to be liked for me, just Josh. Not THE Joshua Macintyre Jr. That was all. I didn't do it to deceive you. I did it to make you relax and be yourself. It worked and you were real with me. You can't know how much that meant to me, especially after what happened with my ex.

ELLA: I understand. Look, I'm still processing everything, but I really appreciate the thoughtfulness of the flowers. Now, I'm seriously exhausted and have to say goodnight.

JOSH: Goodnight. I hope I see you on Friday…

That was it. She didn't text me back, but I felt a whole lot better about things after texting with her than I felt before. Now, if only I knew for certain she would meet me at the Emirates lounge, I could sleep well and look forward to my final day of work before Bali.

I had decided I wouldn't go if she didn't, because while I really needed the escape, I knew it would hurt too much if she didn’t show up.

Unable to sleep because my mind was working too hard, I grabbed my bike and my reflective vest and helmet and went out into the Manhattan evening to ride, work off some of my excess energy.

I rode beside the park along my usual path, driving down side streets to get to the bike pathway along the Hudson. Usually, physical exertion like that cleared my mind, and I rode along, my mind focused on my breathing and the path ahead, the traffic around me and my destination.

I arrived back at the building, a considerable sweat worked up and a lot of stress worked off. I went back up to my apartment and had a shower, all the while thinking of Ella, wondering if she'd show up on Friday. I wanted to text her and try to feel her out, but at the same time, I didn't want to annoy her or be a jerk, so I held off.

Instead, I went to bed and tried hard not to think of her, for I was exhausted and I knew that if I thought too much, my mind would go back to our one real encounter and I would need to take care of business. But try as I might not to think about her, my mind went there and I wondered whether Ella would show up on Friday at the airport lounge.

I didn't know what the future held for us, but I was going to try to give the relationship every chance I could to succeed. Both of us had been hurt by cheaters, and both of us needed to find our way back to trusting again.

All I knew was that when I was with her, I was happy. I enjoyed her – her smile, her wit, and of course, she beautiful, ambitious and smart. But most of all, she had a good heart.

Whatever happened between us, I felt that was certain and that was what really mattered.

Thursday, I spent the day mired in work, going over all the projects I had on my desk, making sure I could take time off over the next five days and that everything would be taken care of in my absence. I truly didn't want to answer any work-related emails or take and business calls the entire time we were there. I would have my assistant field all calls and only put through true emergencies. Nothing less than a five-alarm fire would interrupt me while I was on vacation.

Then, I picked up my suitcase and left for JFK, wondering as the taxi drove there whether she would show up or leave me hanging. I went to the Emirates Lounge, and took a seat in one of the chairs by a window, and began my vigil.

I checked my cell. I had arrived an hour before I needed to check in, and made sure that I could watch the doorway so I could see Ella the moment she arrived. The moments passed, and I kept my cell open, checking email and my social media, hoping that if she decided not to come, that she'd at least text me so I would know before the flight left. I hoped that she would have let me know by now if she wasn't coming so I could either reschedule or cancel, depending.

The fact she hadn't gave me hope.

Exactly thirty-two minutes after I arrived, I saw her walk through the doors into the lounge. The relief I felt was intense. I checked and sure enough, she had a suitcase in hand and hadn’t just come to see me off.

I stood and she came right over, her face flushed, her cheeks pink.

She smiled. "I tried to be here an hour before, but my taxi got stuck in traffic."

I took her hand and pulled her into my arms, kissing her, my arms slipping around her to pull her closer. She kissed me back, her enthusiasm a sign she was fully with me. No hesitation.

"You came," I said and stroked her cheek, smiling. "I wasn't sure you would."

"I wasn't sure I would either, but I didn’t want to regret not going one day when I'm an old lady living in a retirement home."

She smiled up at me, and I laughed at that image. My mind immediately went to us sitting together in that retirement home, an old grizzled couple, holding hands.

"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before."

Then I kissed her again, because I now truly believed that line from Tennyson. No matter what happened between us, I knew then I had to find out.