––––––––

“Oh Hudson, you didn’t have to do this.” My mom stares at the pamphlet in her hand. “A full day at the spa. That’s just too much.”

“It’s from me and Lennon both,” he corrects her, even though he refused to let me help pay for any of it. “And we wanted to.”

“I don’t know what to say.” She looks to my father for support but he simply smiles at his wife and takes a drink of his eggnog.

“Say thank you and move on mom.” Starr sighs, throwing daggers at Mark when he nudges her knee and gives her a slight shake of his head.

God I love that man. He’s the only person I know who can get onto Starr for having zero filter and live to tell the tale.

“Thank you, of course. This is amazing.” My mom’s gaze jumps from me to Hudson and then back to me. There’s something in her expression I can’t quite read.

“Well, that was the last one,” my father says like he couldn’t be more relieved. “I’m going to grab me a refill.” He holds up his empty glass that has hand painted ornaments all over it.

It’s one of the glasses Starr and I decorated an eternity ago when Nana took us to a pottery place. My parents have used them every Christmas since, even though they are the ugliest glasses in the history of glasses.

“I need to get the pies ready.” My mom stands, quickly following him from the room.

“I just don’t understand this.” Nana’s voice pulls my attention to the other side of the room. I can’t help but smile as I watch her squint and poke the screen of her new tablet like the thing is going to jump out and bite her at any moment.

Why Starr thought it was a good idea to give our grandmother, who’s never used any kind of smart device in her life, a tablet for Christmas is beyond me.

“Here Nana, I’ll help.” Starr stands from her spot on the couch before turning and plopping down on the arm of Nana’s chair.

“I think I love that woman,” Hudson speaks so only I can hear. I turn to see a wide smile on his face, directed toward my grandma.

“She’s easy to love,” I agree.

“You remind me a lot of her.”

“I do?” I turn my gaze back to my nana.

“Well, you’re both spitfires for one.” He chuckles. Before I can respond he continues, “But it’s not just that. She’s loving yet tough when she needs to be. Just like you. You’re both funny as hell but still know when to be serious. And you both have next to no patience.” He laughs when Nana pushes the tablet at Starr and announces she doesn’t want it.

I guess I had never realized it, but he’s kinda right. When I think about it, I really am a lot like my nana. I always thought I’m kind of like my mom, but she’s a bit more reserved than I’ve ever been.

“You know what?” I say, turning my head so that our faces are only inches apart. “I don’t mind that one bit. My nana is the best.”

“I will agree with you there.” He grins.

“Lennon, will you help me for a second?” My mom appears in the doorway, breaking my focus from Hudson.

“Yeah, of course.” I nod, turning back to Hudson. “I’ll be right back.” Stealing a quick kiss, I stand and follow my mother into the kitchen. “Want me to set out the dessert plates?” I ask, seeing that my mother already has three pies and a plate of cookies lined across the island.

This is our tradition. We have a huge meal followed by presents and eggnog. Once everyone’s dinner has had a chance to settle, we rejoin the table for dessert.

“I think I’m going to have everyone just help themselves and eat in the living room,” she says, shaking her head when I hit her with wide eyes.

“Who are you and what have you done with my mother?” I gape at her playfully, knowing Elise Claire never voluntarily allows anyone to eat away from the dining room table.

She’s all about family time and believes you can’t have a real conversation if you’re all scattered around, watching television or messing on your phones. As much as I hated it as a child, I tend to agree with her now.

“Things are different this year. Starr has Mark here. You have Hudson. I think it might be nice for everyone to feel more comfortable.”

I don’t bother reminding her that Mark was here last year, or that Gage was here too for that matter. So much has changed over the course of the last year. Sometimes it’s almost hard to keep up.

“I’ll repeat, who are you and what have you done with my mother?”

“Oh don’t you give me that.” She swipes her hand through the air at me.

“Well if you don’t need my help setting the table and you already have the desserts set out, what exactly do you need my help with?”

“I was hoping we could talk for a minute.” She leans against the counter, glass of eggnog in her hand, and instantly my stomach knots. When my mom says she wants to talk about something, it’s never about something good.

“Okay,” I draw out, waiting for her to continue.

“How are you?” she asks, confusing the hell out of me.

“How am I?” I repeat.

“Yeah. I know you’re having a rough time with Hudson being away. Or well, that’s what you’re sister tells me. You don’t actually tell me anything.”

“Mom.”

“It’s fine. I get it. I didn’t tell my mother anything either.” She dismisses with a flick of her hand.

“What’s this really about, Mom?” I ask, not really up for skating around whatever it is she needs to say.

“You love him.”

“You know I do.”

“I can see how happy he makes you.”

“Good, because he really does,” I say, my confusion growing.

“But as your mother,” she starts and I instantly brace for what’s going to come next. “I feel like I have to at least speak my peace.”

“And that would be what?”

“You’re a very trusting person, Lennon. You always have been. You’ve been able to see the best in people even when they don’t deserve it. It’s a great quality to have most of the time, but not so much in relationships. I’m worried that things are moving a little too quickly. That you don’t really know everything there is to know about Hudson. He seems amazing, honey, truly he does. But I’m worried you’re blinded by his fame and good looks and you’re not seeing the bigger picture.”

“Which is what exactly?” I snip, irritation clear in my voice. Leave it to Elise Claire to rain on my Christmas parade.

“That he’s a famous musician, sweetie. That he’s been gone for weeks and will be gone for many more. That you have no idea what he’s really doing while he’s on the road.”

“Why are you bringing this up right now?” I ask, feeling like something had to have spurred this on for her to lay it on me at our Christmas celebration.

“Jackie called me this morning. Said she saw something in a magazine. A picture of Hudson and some female singer having dinner together.”

“Jackie called you?” I question, not sure why my mother’s oldest friend would be calling her about Hudson.

“She knows you’re dating him. It’s all any of our friends can talk about. And you know how much Jackie loves those celebrity magazines. She’s always buying them in the checkout lines at the store. Anyway, she was browsing her latest magazine when she came across a page that was collaged with several famous couples out doing normal everyday things. In the bottom right corner was a picture of Hudson and I think her name is Annalise or something.”

“Annabelle,” I correct her.

“Right, he was out with her. I haven’t seen the photograph myself, but I trust Jackie when she says they looked awfully cozy together.”

“Mom, they’re touring together. It’s not unheard of for friends or colleagues to share a meal,” I point out even though my mind is already swirling with fear.

Hudson hasn’t mentioned going anywhere with Annabelle just the two of them, and I’d be lying if I said the thought of them together doesn’t make me sick to my stomach.

“Of course I know that, honey. But I felt the need to let you know. You know, so you can keep an eye on the situation. I don’t want to see you end up hurt again.”

“Hudson isn’t Gage, Mom,” I grind out, not sure if I’m trying to convince her or myself.

I mean, he’s lied to me already about something pretty significant, and if what Jackie said is true, he’s not telling me everything either.

He doesn’t have to give you a play by play of everything he does, Lennon. My mind is trying to reason with me, but I’m not sure if it’s working.

“I know he’s not, Lenny. And it’s clear to see he cares a great deal for you. I just worry. Here you are, living in a house that he bought, looking at him like he hung the stars and moon. Always touching him like he’s the one tethering you to the earth. It’s intense and it’s all happened pretty fast.”

“Not really. We’ve been seeing each other since July. That’s nearly six months.”

“And yet you’ve already been living with him for nearly two months,” she points out.

“Well really I’m living alone right now,” I counter, not sure why I feel the need to argue this with her.

“We’re splitting hairs here, Lennon. All I’m saying is I want you to be careful.” She pushes away from the counter and steps toward me, leaving her glass of eggnog abandoned behind her. “Maybe he really is as great as he seems.” Taking both of my hands in hers, she lowers her voice before continuing, “Maybe what you two share is the forever kind of love, and I really hope it is. But I need you to understand that behind the looks and the money and the fame, he’s just a man. Don’t get so wrapped up in everything he is that you lose sight of how much power you’re giving him to hurt you.”

“I know what I’m doing, Mom.” I try to keep my voice even and not let on how aggravated I am by this entire thing.

Why couldn’t she leave well enough alone? Why couldn’t she let me enjoy Christmas with my family instead of planting more seeds of doubt; as if I’m not already struggling with Hudson being away and battling my own bouts of uncertainty.

“I know. Just be careful.”

“You don’t need to worry,” I reassure her.

“I really hope that’s true.” She gives me a soft smile. “Okay, enough with the heavy. Let’s get everyone in here for dessert.” She spins around and heads toward the living room.

Unfortunately my appetite checked out about three minutes ago and even if I wanted to I doubt I could eat a bite right now. Pulling my phone from my back pocket, I click on the internet app and quickly type out Hudson James and Annabelle in the images search bar.   Sure enough, one of the first images that pops up is of Hudson and Annabelle through the window of an upscale pizza parlor. Clicking on the image, I follow the link to the magazine where the picture originated from. The caption reads: Hudson James and Annabelle were spotted at Marrizos last Friday night sharing a pizza and lots of laughs. It’s too early to say whether or not the pair are officially dating, but we’re told by inside sources that things are definitely heating up between the two country stars.

“Hey.” I jump when I hear Hudson’s voice behind me. Quickly locking my phone, I shove it back into my pocket before he can see what I was looking at.

“Hey.” I force a smile on my face as I turn to look at him. “You ready to try one of my mother’s world famous pies?” I ask, gesturing to the spread of desserts on the island. “They aren’t actually world famous, but don’t tell her that,” I joke, trying to fight past the tight knot in my stomach.

“You okay?” he asks, instantly picking up that something is off. I hate that he can read me so well.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.”

Starr and Mark join us in the kitchen, ending the conversation and I couldn’t be more thankful.

I’m still trying to process everything as we leave my parents a little over an hour later. I got dessert only because I knew it would draw red flags if I didn’t, but I could barely force two bites down, even though Lemon Meringue is my favorite.

Thankfully since my mom allowed us to eat in the living room, no one really noticed that I was a little bit inside my head. Of course that doesn’t mean Hudson didn’t notice. I felt his eyes on the side of my face several times but I couldn’t bear to look at him for more than a few seconds because the longer I sat next to him, the angrier I seemed to become.

It’s irrational, I know. It was one picture and a completely innocent one at that. Who cares that they went out to dinner together? It means nothing. And yet it still feels like something. I don’t know if that’s because it really is something or because I’m just super paranoid that history will repeat itself.

Hudson remains quiet on the drive home. Even though I know he can tell something is off he doesn’t broach the subject until we’re home. I’m in the bedroom changing into my pajamas when he finally addresses my obvious shift in mood.

“So are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?” he asks, crossing his arms as he leans against the door jam.

“Nothing,” I answer childishly, tugging on the reindeer pajama bottoms I bought the other day.

“Sure doesn’t seem like nothing.” He keeps his gaze trained on me as I remove my earrings, dropping them on top of the dresser. “Now why don’t you actually tell me what’s wrong.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you’ve been spending time alone with Annabelle?” I demand, knowing I can’t avoid this forever. If I try it will likely drive me crazy.

“What?” He seems completely taken back by my question.

“Don’t look at me like that.” I mirror his action, crossing my arms in front of myself. “Newsflash Hudson, you’re famous now. And you know what happens when famous people go out? Or two famous people for that matter? They get photographed and plastered in cheesy magazines. So I’ll repeat. Why didn’t you tell me you’ve been spending time with Annabelle?”

“Well, for one, we’re friends. For two, when you spend every day inside a tour bus and every night at a venue, you take the opportunities you can to get out and do something other than work.”

“But you’re not answering my question. Why did you never mention it to me?”

“I didn’t realize I had to.” His tone instantly puts me on edge.

“You don’t have to do anything, Hudson, but it would be nice to know that you two are hanging out without having to learn it from my mother, whose friend told her after seeing your picture in some stupid magazine.” I throw my hands up in frustration. “When you keep things from me, it makes me question everything.”

“I’m not keeping things from you, Lennon. Yes, I’ve had dinner with Annabelle a few times. I honestly didn’t think anything of it because she’s just my friend.”

“So then I can go out to dinner with any guy I want as long as I classify him as a friend?”

“Lennon.” He pushes away from the door.

“No. I’m serious, Hudson. If she’s just a friend and I have no right to be bothered by the two of you hanging out then you shouldn’t care if I go out with some of my male friends. After all they’re just my friends.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what? It’s okay for you but not okay for me?” I grind out, my temper getting the better of me.

This isn’t how I wanted this to happen. In my mind we were going to sit down and calmly talk about it. He was going to make me feel better by convincing me I had nothing to worry about. Instead, two minutes in and it’s already spiraling.

“I didn’t say that. You keep answering for me before I can get a word in.”

“By all means, talk.” I gesture for him to continue.

“Wow.” He shakes his head slowly, running a hand through his hair as he lets out a breath. “Not really how I had envisioned spending our first Christmas Eve together, but fine, if you want to do this now then let’s do it.” He pauses for a brief moment. “Anna is my friend. Every now and then when we get a break we do hang out. It’s usually a quick bite to eat or maybe a drink, but it’s never for long periods of time and it’s never anything beyond two friends taking a break from their busy schedules. That’s all it is.”

“Then why not tell me that upfront? We talk almost every single day. Not once did you mention anything like this, which tells me you purposely avoided telling me.”

“Maybe I did.” His admission feels like a punch to my stomach. “But only because I didn’t want to do this.” He gestures between the two of us.

“Didn’t want to do what exactly? Didn’t want to have to listen to me bitch about the fact that you’re on the road with quite possibly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and the two of you are sharing romantic dinners together in your spare time,” I bite.

“Jesus, Lennon. Listen to yourself. What are we? In high school?”

“Fuck you, Hudson. You have no idea what this feels like. You have no idea what it’s like to sit here day in and day out knowing you’re out there doing god knows what with god knows who. You have no idea what it’s like to know there are images of you with another woman out there for the world to see. That everyone is assuming you two are secretly together. You have no idea how exhausting it is defending myself to everyone. Assuring my family and friends that I know what I’m doing and that I can trust you. You have no idea, Hudson. Because you’re too busy living the good life. Doing whatever the hell you want whenever you want to do it. I don’t go out with other men. You don’t have to look at pictures of me with other men or read the rumors that I’m sleeping with other people. You don’t have to live with the fear I live with every single day. Because no matter what you say, no matter what you do, I will always be afraid. I’ll always be scared of losing you. So you can either learn to live with it or stop wasting your time because that will not change.”

“You think I’m not afraid?” he erupts, his voice booming around me. “There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t worry, Lennon. Not one fucking day. I worry you’ll wake up and realize you can’t handle this. I worry you’ll find someone that can be here for you when I can’t. I worry constantly. So don’t act for one second like you’re in this alone. We may be on the opposite end from each other, but we share the same doubts and fears, Lennon. I think that’s just what it means to truly be in love with someone. Those fears will never go away for either of us, but we can’t let them rule us either. If we do, this will never work.” He crosses the room toward me, stopping at the edge of the bed a couple feet from where I’m standing.

“You can’t keep things from me,” my voice softer, his words having acted like a soothing balm to my blistered skin.

“That was a mistake. I see that now. But Lennon, you have to believe me when I tell you that Anna is just a friend. And while I’m not thrilled at the thought of you having dinner with another man, I also wouldn’t stop you from doing so. I would choose to trust you as I had hoped you would trust me. I know I kept Steph from you and that’s where a lot of this stems from, but damn it, what do I have to do to show you that you are the only one I want? Anna has nothing on you. There isn’t a woman in this world that could hold a candle to you. Don’t you get it? You’re all I see. It’s just you.” He closes the distance between us, his hand reaching out to cup my cheek.

“I’m ridiculous.” Tears flood my vision as a wave of embarrassment washes over me. I took what should have been a simple conversation and turned it into a fight for no other reason than I felt threatened.

“Hey.” Hudson pulls me into his arms, his voice soft next to my ear. “You’re not ridiculous. If the roles were reversed I probably would’ve reacted a lot worse.”

“You do so much for me and I completely lost it over a picture of you sharing a meal with another woman.” I plant my face in his chest.

“This isn’t easy for either of us. Don’t apologize for voicing how you feel. I want you to. I want you to get mad. To scream and yell. I want you to be able to get it all out and know that at the end of it we will only be stronger for it.”

“I ruined Christmas Eve, didn’t I?” I pull back and look up at him.

“Not even close.” He grins, leaning down to lay a soft kiss to my mouth.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop,” he speaks against my lips. “It’s me who should be sorry. You did nothing wrong.” He pulls back, sliding his hand into the back of my hair. “I promise from now on I will tell you if I’m going anywhere with Anna.”

“I’m not your keeper. You don’t have to check in with me,” I say, fearing that I’m already becoming that woman.

“No, I don’t. But I love you and I want you to feel secure. And if telling you when I’m going to be spending time with Anna gives you peace of mind then that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

“I want to say you don’t have to because I feel like that’s what I should say, but truthfully, I think it would make me feel a lot better to know. I hate feeling out of the loop. I want you to be able to tell me everything, always.”

“Then it’s settled.” He tips my chin upward.

“Settled,” I agree.

“Now, are you ready for your present?” A smile spreads across his handsome face.

“You sure you still want to give it to me?” I tease. “And, it’s not even Christmas yet.”

“When I was a kid, my dad would always give my mom her present on Christmas Eve after we had gone to bed. It was for no other reason than he wanted to share one quiet moment with the woman he loved. To show her that she wasn’t just ‘mom’ but also his wife. I think it made her feel special. It was one of the rarer times that my father’s softer side would appear. I found out a couple years ago he still does it, even though they live alone now. I guess I would like to honor them by taking that part of my childhood and carrying it over.”

“I think that sounds amazing.” I take his hand and allow him to pull me into the living room.

Stopping in front of the small pre-lit tree I brought with me from the condo, Hudson gestures for me to take a seat on the floor. Without a word, I slide down onto the hardwood, tucking my legs underneath myself as he joins me on the floor.

Reaching under the tree, he slides the tree skirt to the side revealing a small square gift box the size of a drink coaster. Picking it up, he shifts his body to face me.

“Merry Christmas, Lennon.” He grins, turning my palm upward before setting the small package in my hand.

With shaky hands I undo the ribbon before ripping open the wrapping paper and tossing it to the side. Slowly lifting the top off the box, my gaze meets Hudson’s for a brief moment before looking back down. My breath catches in my throat when I catch sight of the incredible bracelet inside.

Upon first glance it’s clear it’s not just any bracelet either. Looping my finger through the thin white gold band, I hold it up to get a better look at it.

“Hudson.” His name is breathy on my lips as I take in the four different charms that dangle from the band, each one small enough to not be too gaudy yet still perfectly detailed.

A sea shell.

A guitar.

A heart with the letters H&L engraved into it.

And a tiny bottle of tequila.

“You can add to it,” he says, sliding the band from my hand before unclasping it.

“It’s beautiful,” I say, watching him wrap the thin bracelet around my wrist.

“The sea shell represents the beach,” he says, connecting the clasp. “The guitar is for me.” He grins, trailing his finger lightly from charm to charm. “The heart signifies our love. And the tequila, well, I thought that would be pretty obvious.” He chuckles, finally meeting my gaze.

“This seriously is the best present anyone has ever gotten me.”

“I’m glad you like it.” He lifts my hand and kisses my wrist just below where the bracelet lies.

“I don’t just like it, I love it. Now, can I give you your gift?” I ask, suddenly a little nervous. At the time I thought what I got him would be perfect but now I’m wishing I had gotten him something a little more tangible.

“Sure.” He smiles, watching me climb to my feet.

“Stay here,” I instruct him, padding across the floor to our bedroom.

I spent days trying to find Hudson the perfect gift. What do you get someone who has the means to buy whatever he wants? So, when I walked by the lingerie store in the mall and saw this red, see through, bra and panty set lined with white fur, I couldn’t pass it up.

It takes me a couple minutes to get myself situated. Nervous butterflies flap wildly in my stomach when I re-enter the living room, the floor cool beneath my bare feet.

Any reservations I had about Hudson liking his gift go completely out the window when he catches sight of me. His nostrils flare and his eyes instantly darken. It’s only seconds before he’s off the floor and stalking toward me.

Needless to say he enjoyed his present very much, even though it ended up on the floor ten minutes later.