Three days later, Hanna looked around the rectangular table in the Virginia estate’s dining room. The fancy glittering chandelier hanging over the centerpiece likely cost more than most homes, and that was saying something in the D.C. metro area. Gold wallpaper gave the room a bright, sunny look despite the gray day outside. Glasses clanked together and bowls and plates of food traveled around from one person to the next.
The steady hum of conversation echoed in her head. She’d formally met everyone here before this big family dinner, except Spence and Derrick, but she knew them from when they were all much younger. Despite being the new person in the room, they treated her like an old friend. Jackson and Spence joked with her. Ellie coddled Hanna with an overprotective mothering instinct. Abby spent most of her time shaking her head at all of the antics.
Hanna really identified with Abby.
When Jackson brought up some story about a lie Spence told as a kid to hide the fact he crashed a car, Derrick almost spit out his food laughing. Even Ellie lost it when hearing about those days.
Hanna leaned closer to Carter. “How did you talk me into this?”
“Blame Ellie and Abby. They are relentless.”
Jackson leaned across Carter to talk with Hanna. “Are you trying to hide something?”
That earned him a tap on the side of the head from Carter. “Go away.”
Hanna knew it could not have hurt but the fake stunned expression Jackson wore made her laugh. “Be nice to Jackson.”
He winked at her. “Listen to your woman.”
The table conversation picked that moment to stop. Everyone looked at her. There were smiles all around, the annoying kind that made her want to kick Carter for getting her into this. They had fallen into some sort of relationship but a big family dinner made what they had seem important. She couldn’t think about that, not when Carter had emphasized his lifetime of keeping things shallow.
The clinking sound reminded Hanna of a wedding. She felt the rush of a headache a second later.
Derrick changed the subject by clearing his throat. “We wanted to make sure Carter was feeding you. That’s why we’re all here, at this house I despise.”
Ellie slipped her hand over Derrick’s. “And we wanted you to know we’d like to spend time with you.”
“Yeah, Carter. We want to see her, too.” Spence toasted Carter, then took a long sip of water.
Carter glared back. “You can shut up any time now.”
With that, the conversation kicked up again. The brothers talked across the table to each other. Ellie rolled her eyes. The scene didn’t amount to a food fight, or even veer out of control, because Hanna doubted Ellie would tolerate that, but it did steer close to the edge. So much noise and talking.
Memories plowed into her. The days filled with talking to Carter and walking the estate grounds. The nights spent cuddled together, touching and learning each other’s bodies. The whispers, the joking. The way he kissed her...everywhere.
Then her mind traveled back to those dinners with her dad when he tried so hard to fix the things his young daughters would eat. How he would talk with Gena for what felt like hours to calm her down when she got so upset over unimportant things she viewed as slights. It all came flooding back to Hanna and she waited for the guilt to hit her. She was with the people who she’d believed made her family miserable, but in that moment all she felt was a sadness that her family couldn’t be there, too.
She knew from Carter that Eldrick had never allowed talking at the table, not from his sons. Hanna assumed the thunderous noise now was a reaction to that past. It struck her as a right time to ask the question that had been poking at her since they all arrived. “Is Jackson a family name?”
Carter stopped talking to Spence and smiled at her. “Nice pivot. It’s always a good idea to throw the attention on to someone else.”
“I just wondered.” Anxiety shot through her. She had a reason to ask. Those notes in her father’s journal.
The suggestion that Eldrick kept the ultimate secret.
Jackson swallowed the chicken he was eating and put his fork down on the side of his plate. “My mom’s name is Jackie. She didn’t want a mini-me, so my twin sister—”
“Who is awesome,” Spence slipped in.
Jackson nodded but never broke eye contact with Hanna. “Her name is Zoe. I got the version of Jackie.”
Carter stared at Jackson. “I didn’t know that.”
“Wait.” Derrick lowered his water glass to the table. “You’re sharing family secrets now, after we’ve asked for years. That and the fact Hanna has gotten Carter to settle down for five minutes makes me think she has superpowers.”
Jackson shrugged. “Not all of us have colorful families like you guys.”
The conversation stayed light. And then Ellie looked straight at Hanna. “How is the cottage?”
“You’re not staying at the main house?” Spence jumped in his seat, then glared at Abby next to him. “Ouch! What was that for?”
“Be decent,” she said at a near whisper.
“Is it a secret they’re sleeping together?” Jackson asked.
Hanna felt the tension now. It ratcheted up inside her. Not that she was embarrassed. The fear was about the lack of boundaries. If this topic was okay for the table, she hated to think what might be next.
She shot Carter a side look. “Are all of your family dinners like this?”
Carter nodded. “Yes.”
“Unfortunately,” Jackson said at the same time.
Carter slipped an arm over the back of her chair. His fingers slid into her hair. “If you want to go or—”
“It’s fine.” Being with him anchored her just as panic started to rise in her belly. The touch should have had the opposite effect, made her more tense and worried, but it didn’t.
After a lifetime of quiet and calm dinners, this rowdy one actually invigorated her. But a wave of guilt hit her, too. They were nice and friendly and she knew things...things she didn’t think they knew. Things she knew Carter had never learned. She didn’t know when or even how to spill them. It really wasn’t her place, but she knew and being with him, even temporarily, meant she had some responsibility for him.
“Maybe if you weren’t sitting on top of her,” Spence said before he popped a green bean in his mouth.
Derrick frowned at Carter. “Yeah, do you need a bigger chair?”
“For goodness’ sake.” Ellie sighed. “Don’t you start.”
Jackson laughed. “You heard the pregnant woman. Be nice to your brother.”
“We have a lot of pregnant women at the table.” Spence jerked in his chair a second time before he glared at Abby. “Again? I meant you and Ellie. I don’t know if—” This time he shifted to the side. “Do not kick me again.”
“Then stop talking,” Abby said through clenched teeth.
The conversation continued to unravel. They talked for a few minutes about the habits of pregnant women, then moved on to how much of an emotional wreck Derrick had been when he found out Ellie’s pregnancy was high risk because it had happened while she had an IUD.
The topics swirled around Hanna. She heard bits and pieces. Even as they moved on to something that happened at work and a discussion about the best kind of cheesecake, the truth weighed down on her and her mind stayed on babies. On pregnancy. On all the things she hadn’t told Carter.
His fingers slipped through her hair, then massaged the back of her neck, as if he could sense her growing anxiety. The move, so sweet, felt comfortable and intimate. Something a boyfriend might do, like bringing her to a family dinner.
The dizziness hit her out of nowhere. The room began to spin and her stomach flipped with it. The voices blurred in her head as the guilt crushed her into the chair.
She’d never asked to be pulled into this family’s drama. Carter had offered her a chance to search for her dad’s journal. She thought she could look for answers and be left alone. Somewhere along the line, all of that changed.
A lump formed in her throat. She clutched her napkin on her lap with both hands. She could hear her breathing. It sounded so loud in her ears. The rush in and out. She didn’t know how they couldn’t hear it. She thought someone called her name. Carter’s fingers stilled. The ramp-up of noise turned to a scream in her head.
She had to get up.
She stumbled, trying to find her footing and unable to make her legs move. “I can’t do this.”
After balancing her hands on the table, she stood. Took a part of the tablecloth with her, rattling all the dishes.
Carter’s voice cut off in the middle of whatever conversation he was having. “Hey.”
She couldn’t answer him. Not now. She had to get out of that room, maybe the state. When her balance faltered, Carter stood up next to her, keeping her on her feet.
His arm wrapped around her. “Are you okay?”
“No.”
“What’s wrong?” Concern vibrated in his voice and showed in every line of his face.
His tone—all that worry was genuine and sweet...and sent a new wave of guilt crashing over her. She couldn’t look around the table out of fear of what she’d see. “All of them. You.”
Carter made an odd noise. “I know it’s a lot of people, but they mean well.”
“It’s not that.” She shook her head, trying to force the words back. This was not the time or place. Talking now would be unfair to Carter. He might be close to his brothers, but he deserved privacy.
“Hanna, talk to me.”
The truth was right there. She bit her bottom lip to hold the words in. But a quick look at Jackson’s face told her she needed to say something. He looked half ready to lunge across the table and comfort her. They all did.
She turned to Carter, tried to face only him. Her fingers dug into his arm but he didn’t make a sound.
“I... You weren’t supposed to be this guy.”
Along with all her other mistakes, believing the worst about him had been one of her biggest. Without that, none of this would have happened. She would have gone to him with the truth, been on his side against his father. Not expected him to be a version of Eldrick. “You were supposed to be a jerk. Rich and entitled. Someone who did awful things, then moved on and let other people fix everything for you.”
He frowned. “I thought we already went through this.”
“Gena.” It’s the only word Hanna could get out.
Carter’s mouth opened and closed a few times before he started talking again. “Hanna, I promise you that was a fling. Short. It meant nothing to either of us.”
“Wait, Gena?” Spence asked.
Carter ignored his brother, put his hands on her arms in a loose hold and stared at her. The look was intense and desperate, as if he needed her to listen. “I’ve been honest with you about Gena and—”
Not again. She put her hand over his mouth. “I haven’t.”
“What?”
She couldn’t lie to him for one more second. The words spilled out on a rush of pain and regret as she dropped her hand. “She was pregnant, Carter.”
His head snapped back. “What are you talking about?”
“The two of you. Gena. After that weekend together.”
She heard a male voice. Someone swore, but none of them moved.
Carter shook his head. “Not possible. We used protection.”
“I was there. She was definitely pregnant.” There were so many details. Hanna wasn’t sure what mattered right now. “She didn’t know at first, not for many months, but then she got sick and kept getting sick. Then the weight gain.”
“I don’t...” Carter continued to shake his head as his gaze switched to Derrick, then Spence. “No.”
She knew he needed to talk with the people he loved, get their support, but she had to tell him this one last part. Make him understand why she’d made the choices she’d made.
“Your father showed up and threatened her. Made it clear she wasn’t getting into the Jameson family that way.”
“He didn’t know about Gena. He couldn’t...” Carter just stopped talking.
Hanna took that as a sign to continue even though her stomach ached and her head pounded. “Maybe he had you followed. Honestly, she may have called him and begged for money. I really don’t know anymore, except that it’s clear you didn’t send him to keep me quiet like I once believed.”
“Is that when she killed herself?” Jackson asked in a soft voice.
He knew. Of course he knew. Hanna realized for the first time that Jackson was likely the person in the office who had investigated her for Carter after that first night in New York. “A month later.”
Carter shook his head. “While she was still pregnant.”
It wasn’t a question, so she didn’t answer out loud except to nod.
Derrick closed his eyes. “Damn.”
“What did Dad want?” Spence asked.
She answered him but kept her focus on Carter. She could feel his fingers loosen on her arms and guessed he’d gone numb. “For her to go away.”
“The baby...” Carter looked away from her, then back again. “Hanna, I didn’t—”
“He came to me after she died. Threatened me not to find you or say anything. Gave me a check to stay quiet.” She hadn’t taken it, but she doubted that mattered right now. “I’m sorry.”
Spence snorted. “Why are you sorry?”
“That’s Dad’s screwup, not yours,” Jackson said.
The support sent a rush of relief through her, but she couldn’t enjoy it. She wasn’t ready for forgiveness or understanding. And she noticed Carter wasn’t the one offering it.
She wanted him to know her side. “I didn’t tell you because I thought you knew and didn’t care. It’s why I pushed you away when you first found me. Why I didn’t want to open that envelope.”
“I had no idea about any of this.”
She touched his cheek. “I know that now.”
A chair screeched against the hardwood floor as Derrick stood up. “You’re saying Dad threatened Gena and then he threatened you.”
“He talked about saving the family name and not allowing some maid to ruin everything.” She looked at the rest of them then. “That’s what I do. I’m sure you know, but in case you don’t, I clean houses. I’m not a business executive.”
Ellie shot her an odd look. “Do you think we care about that?”
That’s just it, she didn’t think they cared. Now that she knew them, spent time with them, saw them as adults separate from Eldrick, she saw them as warm and welcoming. Just like Carter. So, she didn’t hold back. She tried to put it all out there.
“Hanna.” Carter’s voice stayed low and sounded a bit unsteady.
He would lose it now. Yell at her. She deserved it for holding back for weeks, but she couldn’t stand there and listen to his anger. Having him be mad at her made something inside her shrink.
“I’m sorry.” She shook her head, silently begging him to believe her. “I know you’re not your father, Carter. You’re a little lost and fighting to figure out who you are in this family. From what I see, you fit here. You’re loved and respected.”
Spence scoffed. “Of course he is.”
She couldn’t continue to stand there, looking at Carter’s broken expression. She turned to the rest of the table. Forced her chin to stay up and forced herself to meet their eyes. “I didn’t mean to lie to you guys or...” Her gaze stopped on Ellie. “You’re all so nice. I keep waiting for you to be something else but it doesn’t happen.”
Derrick exhaled as he put a hand on the back of Ellie’s chair. “Hanna, go ahead and sit down.”
Ellie gave her a smile. “Yes, this is Eldrick’s mess, not yours.”
“And mine.” Carter’s voice dipped even lower. The despair lingered in every word.
Derrick winced. “Carter, come on.”
“Gena was pregnant by me. She killed herself after Dad threatened her.” He looked at Hanna. “No wonder you hated me.”
But that was excatly wrong. All that anger hid the wanting she’d ignored for so long. They spent time together and what she felt for him, that blinding attraction, changed and swelled. It grew until it overtook everything else. Until the last of her control snapped and she tumbled and fell.
She could see it now. The truth rushed in on her, threatening to bowl her over.
“I wanted to but couldn’t. Now I look at you and I see so much more than even you see. I want to be with you. Spend time with you. I think I’m falling for you. Love, Carter. Not sex. Not temporary.” That truth slipped out right as it formed in her head.
She’d been fighting and making excuses, but the reality was she didn’t need to be in Virginia. She stayed because of him. She wrestled with secrets and ran the risk of being on Eldrick’s stomping grounds for Carter. He was worth it.
Jackson’s eyes widened. “That’s new information.”
“What did you just say?” Carter’s hand slipped to her chin as he forced her to return his gaze. “Hanna?”
She couldn’t stay there one more second. It was all too soon, too much. She’d barely been able to process her feelings before broadcasting them. “I’m sorry.”
Then she ran out of the room.