Carter reached for Hanna as she rushed out of the room. He missed her and his hand knocked against the sideboard. He didn’t even feel it. He didn’t feel anything. His mind raced, unable to hold on to any thought for more than a second.
But then Jackson was at his side. “Hey, take a breath.”
“She said love.” Carter doubled over, unable to finish. “And there was a baby.”
Love. Responsibility. A pregnancy he never knew about. It all clashed together in his head. He’d felt a pull toward Hanna from the minute he saw her in New York. He knew she was hiding things from him. That ticked him off and made him want to know more. Now that he did he felt sick. He lost a baby without ever knowing it. He played a role, however small, in Hanna’s loss of her sister.
He and his father.
“I know. I got it,” Derrick said. “We all did.”
Carter dropped into the nearest chair. “Everything is upside down.”
Spence shook his head. “Not you. You’re still rock-solid.”
Carter appreciated the support but right now all he wanted to do was leave. Old instincts kicked in and shouted at him to get out. Only this time he could block them, tone them down. For now. “I don’t feel that way.”
Jackson sat down next to Carter and rested his hand on the back of his chair. “What would you have done if you’d known?”
Carter could barely think and Jackson was giving him a quiz. “What?”
“If Gena had told you. What would you have done?” Jackson held up a hand. “Don’t think about it. Just answer.”
Carter’s brain scrambled. It was as if he’d been thrown back in time and confronted with the problem. “Convince her to move back here. Try to get to know her better. Make sure she got care and ask you guys to help me make her feel welcome.”
Derrick came around the table to stand on the other side of Carter. “Okay, let’s—”
“We barely knew each other. It was a weekend fling. Not like what I feel for Hanna.” The words echoed inside him. Settled in. Everything was different with Hanna. Part of him knew it but now the reality beat inside his brain until he couldn’t think of anything else.
Derrick nodded. “Then you have your answer.”
Carter had lost the trail of the conversation. “What does that mean?”
“You wouldn’t have pushed Gena away or ignored your responsibilities. You would not have run.” Jackson leaned in. “And now you know that you get the difference between doing what’s right and being in love.”
“You’re giving me too much credit.”
Jackson took a deep breath. “As an outsider—”
Spence jumped in. “You’re not that.”
“Fine. As a non-Jameson, let me suggest a few things.” Jackson looked around the room. “First, you’re all too fertile and should think about different birth control.”
Abby sighed. “I wish I could argue with that.”
“And, you’re also the best men I know despite being the offspring of one of the worst.”
“Also true,” Ellie agreed, leaning back in her chair.
“You have a lot of guilt and other crap to wade through, Carter,” Derrick added, “but there is a woman at that cottage who loves you and is hurting as much as you are. If I were you, I’d go to her.”
Yes, he needed to go to her. But he wasn’t sure he was ready.
She’d held back information. But could he blame her? Thinking he was like Eldrick, that Carter had orchestrated his father’s maneuvering, wasn’t really a stretch. He and his father both acted one way in public and another in private. Carter could understand how she might have twisted that around to think he was his dad. Add in Gena’s tendency to exaggerate and it was a miracle he’d convinced Hanna to come to Virginia.
Unbelievable that Hanna had trusted him enough to sleep with him.
“How could she not blame me?” He wasn’t searching for an answer. He just needed to ask the question out loud.
Jackson grimaced and looked to Spence.
He nodded and then started talking. “I’m guessing she did, but now she knows better. Eventually, you will, as well.”
Ellie made a grumbling noise before she stood up and walked around the table. She gave Jackson a gentle shove to move him out of the way. Then she sat down next to Carter, ignoring everyone else in the room. “Carter, you know I love you, right?”
“Is there a but coming?”
“But right now, Hanna needs you. The two of you can figure this out together, but you need to talk.” She reached over and squeezed his hand. “Go do that.”
Jackson laughed. “Listen to the wise pregnant woman.”
“You should always listen to the women in the family.” Then Ellie looked around, as if challenging the men to question her.
Abby nodded. “Exactly.”
“And while you’re doing that we’ll plot how to make Dad pay for this.” There was no amusement in Derrick’s voice. The flat line of his mouth suggested he wasn’t kidding.
The thought of them all ganging up on their father was the one light moment in this conversation. The mental image would fuel him for a long time.
“I want a part in that, so don’t start without me.”
* * *
She should pack.
The thought ran through Hanna’s head as she sat down on the edge of the couch. She’d told the truth, delivered the bad news. She was nothing more than a messenger, but she would pay for this.
The way she’d told him, right in front of everyone. Not in the quiet of the bedroom after they’d had sex or during one of the many times they’d sat and talked together as they ate. Nope, she’d blurted it out. Made a spectacle of an already difficult situation.
How could she ever trust him? She’d likely killed any feelings or attraction he ever felt for her, and that possibility made her stomach roll. She wrapped her arms around her middle and tried to fight her way through the painful darkness falling over her.
“Hanna.”
She looked up to see Carter standing in the doorway to the cottage. She’d been so lost in thought she didn’t hear him come in. Even now, he only hovered without coming in.
Pain and confusion thrummed off him. She’d done that to him. She tried to think of a way to make some part of this better but nothing came to her except the obvious. “I’m sorry.”
“My father...”
“Is not you.” That point was so clear in her head now. She wished she’d understood it earlier. “You didn’t do anything except go to California, and that had been your plan all along. You weren’t running.”
“I was running from him, from the family name.” He shook his head. “Not from her and the baby.”
“I swear to you I do know that now.” The air in the room nearly choked Hanna. It felt thick as it passed through her raw throat. She half wished she could yell and cry and get it all out. That losing it would bring her some strange measure of control. “Do you want me to go?”
She hadn’t found the strength to stand up, but she’d walk out, find another place to wait out the suffocating sadness that threatened to swamp her. She had her father’s journal. She could copy it and send it to Carter. Maybe that would explain a little more about why she was so skeptical of his family.
His mouth twisted in a frown. “Why would I?”
“I kept this from you, and other things, then I told you this heartbreaking thing in the least private way possible.”
And it was heartbreaking to Carter. She could see it in the paleness of his face and the way his eyes had dimmed. It was as if the life had run right out of him when he’d found out he’d almost been a father and never known.
Some guys would celebrate the near miss. Write Gena off as a bad decision and be more careful next time. But Carter seemed to feel the gravity of what had happened in every muscle. It confirmed what she already knew—what he seemed to not get—that he was one of the good guys.
Despite his father and the cold upbringing and feeling like the “extra” son, he was a good man.
“Hanna.” He finally stepped inside and shut the cottage door behind him. He’d left his coat up at the main house and the wind had blown his hair until it stuck up in places. “You’re not Gena.”
“What?”
“You’re not a stand-in for her. My feelings for you have nothing to do with that weekend with her. And you weren’t responsible for her decisions. Knowing you, you tried to save her and are kicking yourself because you didn’t do enough.”
“She drove that car off a bridge.” Hanna choked back a sob. “And I wasn’t there to stop her.”
“If you had stopped her then, there probably would have been a next time.” He walked over and sat on the couch beside her. “Her decision wasn’t about you. Hell, it might not even have been about Eldrick, though I’m sure he played a role in it.”
Hanna stared down at her lap, at her folded hands as she dug her nails into her skin. The pinch didn’t even register in her brain. All she heard was the sound of his soothing voice, sad but clear, as the coolness of the outside thrummed off him.
He put his hand under her chin and forced her to look at him. “We’re—the two of us and what’s been happening there—not about her. Not at all.”
The distance between them, though small, proved to be too much. She wrapped her arms around him and held on. She’d admitted something so big, so overwhelming and seemingly impossible as her love for him. She didn’t expect him to say it back, not with all the confusion swirling around them. But he held on to her. He didn’t shove her away and move on, and right now that’s all that mattered to her.
She wasn’t sure how long they sat there. She didn’t want to let him go. The vulnerability she felt... She focused on her breathing, on the feel of his warm skin beneath her hand, the sound of his heartbeat.
When she opened her eyes again, they were lying on the couch on their sides, with his chest against her back and his arm anchoring them in place.
She almost laughed at how right it felt.
In the silence, she matched her breathing to his. Brushed her fingers over the back of his hand, loving the feel of his lean muscles. Her skin tingled from the puffs of air blowing across the back of her neck.
Suddenly, she was very aware of him. Of every single part of him.
“I want to be close to you.”
His lips lingered at her ear. “Me, too.”
He exhaled and she felt the move through her body.
They touched everywhere. Tangled legs and arms resting on each other, holding each other.
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes.” He pushed her hair off her face. “Serious ones. Ones that hurt people.”
“I’ve made mistakes, too.” Sometimes there were no good answers.
“I’ve watched my father’s manipulations, and I haven’t always stepped in.”
“I came here because of your dad and to get answers and...” Now was not the time to unload every last detail. They needed some peace. “I need you to know that I’ve stayed for you.”
“Because you love me.”
“Yes.” She debated not responding but she couldn’t hide this from him. She had fallen. Quickly and unexpectedly. Hard and against every defense she’d set up to keep him at a distance. What she felt for him was bigger than she thought possible and so scary because she still didn’t know how much he could handle. Well, she did, but she didn’t think he knew.
He shifted their position until he balanced on an elbow above her. “Then you should know that I made the offer for you to come here because I wanted you here. Because I found your attitude sexy. Every part of you sexy.”
She tucked one of her hands between his side and the couch cushion. The other fell on the pillow by her head. “Oh, really?”
“Like this part.” He unbuttoned the top of her dress. Opened each one so slowly, until he moved the sides away and unveiled her skin. He ran a finger over the top of her right breast, right where it plumped out over her bra. “And definitely this part.” That finger traveled, sweeping over her breast and down toward the bit of bare stomach he’d revealed.
He lowered his head and licked his tongue over her bottom lip, taking it into his mouth before he kissed her. The touch lasted for a few seconds before he lifted up again. “Should we move—”
“No. Here.” The kiss, so warm and inviting, had her breathless.
He glanced at the couch around them. “I like your style.”
“And I’d like this better off.” Her fingers went to work on his shirt and he raced to help her. In a few minutes they had it off and then it fell to the floor. The T under it followed.
Then his hand slipped under the edge of her skirt. It was the type that hung full and swingy but it had caught on her upper thigh. He pushed it even higher. “Your skin is so soft.” His thumb trailed up her inner thigh, right to the junction between her legs. “Next time you can skip the underwear.”
“At a family dinner?” She managed to get the question out over the sensations bombarding her. That thumb rubbed over her, tracing circles on her underwear, over her heat.
“Is that weird?”
She wanted to punch him for sounding so in control. “A little, but I like weird.”
“Do you like this?” One of his fingers slipped under the elastic band of her underwear. Slid over her bare skin, then inside her.
She grabbed onto his shoulder. “Carter.”
“I’ll take that as a yes.” He bent down again and kissed her through her bra.
The combination of touching and kissing sent her temperature spiking. The need to rip off the rest of her clothes swamped her. She didn’t want anything between them except the one thing they needed.
“Any chance you brought more condoms?”
He lifted his head just long enough to answer. “I left some in the nightstand drawer a while ago.”
His finger pressed in and out of her in time with the sweep of his tongue. A few more minutes of this and she wouldn’t be able to move. She struggled to keep her mind focused. “Go get one and I’ll show you.”
She had no idea how she was going to walk. “Me?”
“I want to watch you.” He leaned back, giving her enough room to slide out from under him.
If he wanted to play, they could play. But she did not intend to be the only one losing control. Being breathless and needy was a two-person game. That’s why she didn’t waste any time. She grabbed two condoms and returned to the living room. Took her sweet time walking back to him, swaying her hips. Letting the front of her dress fall open just a bit more.
His gaze never left her. He shifted around on the couch until he lay on his back. Took his time looking up and down, inspecting every inch of her with that sly smile on his face.
She hitched up the skirt of her dress and kneeled on the floor beside the couch. He watched in silence as she unbuckled his belt and lowered his zipper. His breathing grew faster. This close, she could see the labored rise and fall of his chest as she ran her fingers over the front of his briefs.
“Hanna.” He made her name sound like a plea.
His breath hitched when she slipped the material off him, freeing him. Then she lowered her head. Her tongue swirled over his tip as her hand pumped up and down. She licked him, squeezed him, brought him into her mouth. She kept it up when his fingers curled into her hair and his hips arched off the couch.
“Hanna, now.”
He was begging. She could hear it in his voice and she lifted her head to see his face. The color had returned. His mouth dropped open and he fought for breath. She could feel the slight tremble in his muscles.
Having the ability to snap his control and give him so much pleasure made her feel powerful. Sexy.
“So bossy,” she teased.
Ready now, she stood up and slipped off her underwear. Shimmied her hips, putting on a little show for him as he raced to get the condom on. Wedging one leg into the couch cushions, she straddled his hips but she wasn’t quite ready to put him out of his misery. She bent her head and dragged her tongue up his chest. Let her hair brush over his bare skin.
She heard his hiccup of breath and felt his hands squeeze her hips and knew it was time. Lowering her body down ever so slowly, she slid over him. Those tiny inner muscles protested at first, then tightened around him. He filled her as she pressed down, making her fight to pull in enough air to breathe.
She felt full and hot and ready. And when she started to move, pleasure crashed over her. She controlled every plunge. He guided her body over his, but he let her take the lead. Her hands balanced on his chest and her fingernails curled into his skin. If he minded the tiny bites, he didn’t show it. He was too busy panting.
A sheen of sweat appeared on his forehead as he held back, adjusting to her rhythm. It didn’t take her long to feel the pull inside her. A few well-placed touches from him and her body had been primed and ready. The stretching sensation, the way she could move until he hit just the right spot, it all had her tumbling over the edge.
The orgasm ripped through her before she could slow it down. Her hips shifted forward and her head fell back. She felt hot and sensitive and when the pulses started she rode them out, grinding her body against his. She bit back a smile when he groaned.
The next few minutes were a blur of sensation. She felt him move under her and those hands tighten against her. His legs tensed and his back rose off the bed. By the time they were done, they lay in a panting heap on the couch. Her hair swept over him and his hand rubbed up and down her back.
She blinked and the room came into view. It took a few more seconds for her voice to return. “For the record, I love this position.”
“Consider me a fan.”
His laugh rumbled through her. Every part of her that touched him, which was most of her, shifted as his chest moved. She loved being this close, feeling what he felt. “We should probably get up.”
“Later.” He kissed her forehead. “Much later.”
She dreaded later. That’s when she would have to tell him the rest.