Crewe

I was numb.

Absolutely numb.

Whenever I was angry, I reached for the scotch. But I didn’t do that today. Whenever I was pissed, I shoved my fist through a wall. That didn’t happen either.

What I felt in that moment was different from anything else I’d ever experienced.

The first thing I did was sit down on the balcony. It was freezing cold outside and windy, but I needed the temperature to cool myself off. I rested my fingers against my chin and tried to understand what just happened.

She left me.

She didn’t want me anymore, so she packed her things and took off.

I thought we were happy.

I thought she loved me.

A part of me still thought those things. There had been instances when she behaved strangely, but I assumed she was simply in a peculiar mood. I didn’t think it reflected on me or her happiness in our relationship.

Maybe if I’d paid more attention, I would have noticed.

I sat there for hours until it was pitch black outside. I didn’t bother turning on the lights or having dinner. I allowed the shadows to surround me and steal my soul. I almost felt indifferent, but I knew that wasn’t the case. I knew I was in such distress my body didn’t know how to cope with the pain.

I was going to ask her to marry me.

But she wanted to break up instead.

How would I internalize that? How would I accept that? It was hard for me to take her back to begin with. She fought for me, even moved here for me, and then she just changed her mind?

It didn’t add up.

I made love to her last night, and everything seemed normal. She was drenched for me, and when she said she loved me, I could see the passion in her eyes. If you told me then that was my last night with her, I wouldn’t have believed you.

But that didn’t stop it from being true.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d given up alcoholism, my biggest habit. I’d given up my asshole attitude too. All my bad characteristics had been locked away so my good features could shine through. Without her with me, there was no reason to be a good man. There was no reason to be happy.

There was no reason for anything.

I didn’t hear the knock at my door, just Dunbar’s approach from the living room. “Sir?”

I didn’t turn around. Even if he had a gun pointed at me, I still wouldn’t turn around. “I’m listening.”

“I just picked up the ring. What would you like me to do with it?”

If it hadn’t belonged to my mother, I would have told him to throw it away. “Leave it on the table. Tell the rest of the staff not to disturb me.”

Dunbar was smart to not ask any questions. “Yes, sir.” He shut the door and disappeared.

There were only two women I’d ever intended to marry, and both of them left me without a backward glance. Not only was I wealthy and smart, but I was handsome and gentle. I had a lot of good qualities when I allowed them to shine through.

But neither of them seemed to care.

I needed to have children to pass down my lineage. If not, I would have stopped giving a fuck.

But I couldn’t picture myself with anyone, letting alone being a husband. All I could think of was the woman I’d fallen madly in love with. She played me like a fool, not once, but twice.

Ariel had been right.

Why didn’t I listen to her?

I stared into the darkness and tightened my hand into a fist, the kind that pierced my skin and made my knuckles turn white. “Fuck her.”

Ariel walked into my office. “I just got off the phone with—”

“You can reach me by email today. I’m not taking any personal visits.” I didn’t look up from my laptop, not interested in seeing a human face other than my own for the foreseeable future.

Ariel lingered in the doorway. “Everything alright?”

“London left. But you already knew that.”

She didn’t deny it. “I’m sorry, Crewe.”

“No, you aren’t. You can say I told you so. Go ahead.” I finally looked up, unable to hide the pissed expression on my face. All I wanted to do was destroy everything in the castle. If everything weren’t a preservation of history, I would have set it on fire. I wanted to ruin anything that woman had ever touched.

“I have no interest in doing that.”

“Then get out. I have shit to do.”

Ariel didn’t hesitate before she walked out the door.

When she was gone, I turned back to my computer and dragged my hand down my face. I wanted to flip my desk over and shatter it. When London originally left, I didn’t feel anything. But now that I had a few hours of sleep, I was just pissed.

Fucking livid.

All I felt was hatred.

I wanted to grab her by the neck and strangle her.

I closed my eyes and willed the pain to go away. The rage was affecting my ability to work, and work was the only distraction I had right now. But I needed the anger. Once it was gone, there would only be depression.

And I hated being depressed.

Joseph was launching the attack tonight. I stayed on the line in my bedroom so I could overhear their communications. Joseph was in charge of intercepting the wire transfer, not the actual murder. I shouldn’t care if he was safe since he was London’s brother, but her happiness was always something that lingered in the back of my mind.

Pissed me off.

“How are things going?” I asked him over the phone.

“Everything is on schedule. We’re ready to intercept the second the line is open. Our men are staked at the house right now. The second the wife and kids are gone, we’ll loot the place. The third team is in place to take him out the moment he leaves the meeting and gets into the car.”

“You think he won’t run the second the money is intercepted?”

“He won’t know the funds have been misplaced for at least five minutes. He’s done this dozens of times, so he has no reason to think it won’t go through.”

“For argument’s sake, what if he doesn’t get in the car?” I didn’t care about all the money Joseph would steal from the asshole. I just wanted the asshole to be dead.

“I have a team in place if it comes to that. Don’t worry, Crewe. I know what I’m doing.”

“Surely, you must understand why I doubt that.”

Joseph didn’t strike with a comeback. “I’m gonna put you on speakerphone. Don’t talk until it’s over. I can’t afford a distraction right now.”

I expected him to mention London, but he never did. He probably expected me to mention her too, but now wasn’t the time. It wasn’t like Joseph had anything to say to make me feel better. He never wanted me to be with his sister anyway. “Okay.”

I sat on the line and listened. Joseph’s fingers hit the keyboard in the background, and I could hear our men radio in while they took their positions. We decided to split the men down the middle, fifty-fifty. It made us both equally involved and equally in charge, even though Joseph was running the operation.

“Family left,” Joseph reported. “They’re in and looting everything.”

I could hear the men speaking over the intercom, so I was aware of the situation.

Joseph conversed with his teammates as his fingers struck the keyboard. “Wiring in place…ulterior route is in action.”

I listened in silence.

“It went through,” Joseph said without emotion. It didn’t seem like he cared that he just received forty million dollars.

“What about him?” I asked.

Joseph conversed with his men over the line. “He just left the building. He’s getting into the car.”

This was the moment I’d been looking forward to. If I didn’t have such a reputation, I would have pulled the trigger myself. But this was how it had to be. I had to have a concrete alibi when all of this went down.

I interlocked my fingers, and it was the first time I didn’t think about London. The death of my greatest enemy was the only thing strong enough to distract me. I hardly breathed as I listened, not wanting to miss a word.

Gunshots went off in the background.

“What’s your status?” Joseph asked.

A guy spoke over the intercom. “Driver is knocked out. Target is dead. Two bullets in the skull.”

I leaned back in my chair and smiled, feeling the sense of revenge wash over me. If I were really cruel, I could have killed his entire family instead and allowed him to live with the heartache. If you asked me, my actions were merciful. I got the revenge I deserved, and that asshole got what was coming to him.

“Did you hear that, Crewe?” Joseph asked.

“Yes.” My smile dropped once the weight of the truth had sunk in. That asshole was really gone. My family was finally avenged.

“I’ll give you an update on the house—”

“Couldn’t care less.” The only thing I cared about had been taken care of. “Great job, Joseph. It was a pleasure working with you.”

“No problem. Thanks for the muscle.”

“Sure.” I hung up before he could say anything. I didn’t want there to be an opportunity for London to be mentioned.

She was the last thing I wanted to talk about.

“I heard the good news.” Ariel walked into my office before lunchtime.

I rubbed my temple and stared out the window. “What good news?” A cold glass of scotch was in my hand—the seventh one since this morning.

“That you killed that dirtbag.” She sat on the sofa across from me.

The room was spinning, and the lights were too bright. My head ached like my skull had been cracked, so I placed the glass right against my head. I closed my eyes and tried to absorb the coldness, but it didn’t make a difference.

“You doing okay?”

“Fine.”

Ariel opened her notebook. “I think we should talk about the offer from Constantin. I think expanding would be good.”

“Who’s Constantin?”

“The man we had lunch with yesterday,” she said calmly.

I couldn’t remember him. “Oh…whatever you think is best.” I opened my eyes and looked out the window again. The room was spinning harder than before. I could barely keep my eyes open because it was so bright. Every other second, I thought of London, and that made me feel a million times worse. I slowly slid sideways and spilled the drink all over me.

“Crewe, are you sure you’re okay?” Ariel leapt up and grabbed the glass out of my hand before I could spill it everywhere.

“I said I was fine.” I lay back on the couch and propped my feet up. “I’m just…”

She placed her palm against my forehead.

I smacked her away. “Don’t fucking touch me.” Ariel hadn’t done anything to me, but I was so angry at the entire world that everyone was a target. I hated all of my employees. I hated anyone who was happy. “Go touch Cassandra.”

Ariel didn’t rise to my anger. “I’m calling the doctor. I think you have alcohol poisoning.”

“Are you a doctor now?” I snapped. “Just shut the fuck up and leave me alone.”

Ariel went silent, but her anger was loud. “I suggest you watch your mouth.”

“Why? Because you’ll just leave me like everyone else?” I sat up quickly and got to my feet, determined to storm out and prove a point I didn’t have. But I lost my balance and crashed into the table.

“Crewe!” Ariel grabbed me by the arms and helped me to the floor. “That’s it, I’m calling a doctor.”

“Don’t.”

She pulled out her phone and pressed it to her ear.

“I said, don’t.” I smacked her hand so the phone went flying.

“Jesus Christ, Crewe. Calm down.” She left me on the ground and retrieved the phone. She made the call.

I didn’t stop her because I couldn’t move. Otherwise, I would have grabbed her phone again and snapped it in two.

She talked in the background, speaking to a nurse or some other medical professional.

Shortly afterward, I blacked out.

I woke up in my bed. Well, my old bed. It was the bed I used to sleep in with London.

I’d been sleeping in the other room since she left.

An IV was in my arm, and monitors on wheels were connected to my bed. A blood pressure cuff tightened on my arm uncomfortably, and that’s probably why I woke up in the first place. I opened my eyes wider and found Ariel sitting at my bedside.

It suddenly dawned on me that I had no one in my life who cared about me.

All I had was Ariel.

I didn’t have any friends or family.

I didn’t have London.

I had nothing.

Ariel approached the bed when she realized I was awake. “Hey, Crewe. How are you feeling?”

I felt the same as I did last time I was awake. “What time is it?”

“One.”

I looked out the window and saw the daylight. “So…I’ve been asleep for, like, an hour?”

“More like twenty-four hours.”

“Oh…”

“Crewe, the doctor said your blood alcohol level was so high he’s surprised you didn’t slip into a coma and die.”

“Damn…should have drunk more, then.”

She gave me the coldest look I’d ever seen. “Crewe…”

I couldn’t stand her look, so I turned my gaze to the other side of the room. “I’ll cut back on the drinking, alright? Just so I don’t get sick like this again. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“I want to understand why you’re behaving this way.”

“Behaving like what?” I’d completely lost myself. Now all I wanted to do was be the biggest jackass in the world.

“Like you’ve lost your mind.”

“I have lost my mind.”

She scooted closer to me on the bed and rested her hand on mine.

I yanked it away, not wanting any affection from anyone—not even London.

“I know London left and it’s been hard for you—”

“I don’t care that she left.” It was the most pathetic lie I ever told. Ariel certainly didn’t believe me, not when I didn’t even find myself convincing. “I hate her. I fucking hate her.”

“I know…but you can’t let it destroy you like this.”

“It’s not about her,” I said quickly. “You wouldn’t understand.” No one would understand.

“I know you pretty well, so I might understand.”

I was pretty sure I was still drunk even though I was awake. I was still a little dizzy. Even though I’d slept for twenty-four hours, I could fall back asleep if I wanted to. “I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until I was happy. And that’s when I realized I’d never been happy my entire life. Then when I was happy, I was so scared I was gonna lose it. I felt whole, complete. Then London left, and it was hard…really hard. But when she came back…everything was good. I finally had what I’ve always wanted. I finally had the kind of joy I didn’t think I’d ever attain. Then she didn’t want me anymore. Now I know I’ll never be happy again.” I couldn’t believe I was telling her any of this. I sounded like such a pussy. “I’m not meant to be happy. I’m meant to be cold, cruel, and empty. But I wish I’d never been happy to begin with. I wish I’d never known such a feeling. Because living without it…is cruel.”

It was the first time Ariel looked genuinely sad. She lowered her head as she processed what I said. “You could always be happy with someone else, Crewe. Someone better.”

“I’ll never be happy with someone else. She was everything I wanted. We were perfect together. She understood me. But it didn’t matter how good I was to her. It didn’t matter what I sacrificed for her. It wasn’t good enough. That hurts most of all…”

She kept her head bowed.

“I know I shouldn’t have lost control like I did…but what the fuck does it matter? If I die, everything goes to you. Honestly, death doesn’t sound so bad. Experiencing nothing but darkness…sounds peaceful. All I’m doing with my life is making money. And fuck, money doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have anyone to share it with, anyone to trust. Fucking sucks.” I regretted everything I said as soon as I said it. I shouldn’t have spoken my mind, opened my heart. I sounded pathetic, even to my own ears. “Forget everything I said. I’ll get back on my feet…just give me some time.”

She leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms over her chest. She didn’t feed me empty words to make me feel better. She didn’t give me a stupid pep talk to get me on my feet. She just accepted me for who I was.

That was something I loved about her. I could be myself without consequence. She was all I had of a family, and I was grateful she was there. “You’ve always been there for me…I’m sorry I ever gave London a chance. I should have listened to you. You’re my family…she never was.”

She tucked her hair behind her ear and avoided eye contact with me.

I was probably making her uncomfortable by wearing my heart on my sleeve. I’d never done anything like that before because it was inappropriate and unprofessional, but the booze had clouded my judgment. I couldn’t erase my stupid mistake, but I could at least prevent it from getting worse by not talking. So I didn’t say anything else.

Ariel was quiet for an hour, just sitting at my bedside with me. She didn’t pull out her laptop and get to work. She just sat with me.

“You don’t have to wait with me,” I whispered. “I’m sure you have stuff to do. In a few hours, I’ll be good to go.”

“I’m staying, Crewe. The doctor warned me you might vomit and choke in your sleep.”

“Well, I’m awake now.”

“You could fall asleep again.”

I still didn’t want her to waste her time with me. “Send Dunbar in instead. I know you have more important things to do.”

Finally, she didn’t argue with me and stood up. “Is there anything I can get you?”

My head was still spinning, but I was aware of how empty my stomach was. “Food would be nice.”

“You got it.” She walked to the door to let herself out.

“Ariel?”

She turned around. “Hmm?”

“I’m sorry if I said anything rude before…I know I have a problem with that.” I did it to London one too many times.

She gave me a pained smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

I didn’t stop drinking, but I didn’t push myself that far again. Anytime I thought I was getting too close to my threshold, I cut myself off.

But I was definitely drunk every single day.

When the anger passed, I was left with pure misery. My life became filled with sleepless nights, productive work days, and pure emptiness. I didn’t go out and find a woman, and I didn’t call up a woman who would jump into bed with me.

I couldn’t get hard if I tried.

As days passed, I kept rethinking my final conversation with London. It was hard to believe because we seemed happy. The sex was great, the conversation was good…everything felt right. Or did I feel something she never did?

I felt like I was missing something, but I had no idea what it was.

I knew she took her phone because I hadn’t seen it lying around the house. I could call her if I wanted to, but I had way too much pride for that. If she didn’t want to be with me, I wasn’t going to try to convince her otherwise.

No matter how much I loved her.

I spent my time working a lot more than usual and also exercising more than I did before. Now that I had nothing to do with my free time except battle my depression, I tried to stay busy, but there was only so much I could do besides work, drink, and exercise.

Would I ever get over her?

I really thought she was the woman I could spend my life with. I really thought marrying her would be worth the sacrifice of diluting my royal bloodline. I gave up more for her than she realized, and I wondered if she ever grasped that.

Probably not.

There were days when I hated her.

Then there were days when I was in love with her again.

But then I hated her and loved her at the same time.

I wondered if I would ever feel better again, if I would ever feel whole. Spending my life as a manwhore and terminal bachelor didn’t seem so bad, but I’d always wanted to have children. I wanted to make my family grow to fill the sorrow in my chest. I wanted to replace the family that I lost.

Looked like I couldn’t marry for love.

I’d have to find someone as broken as I was.

I was working in my office when Ariel walked inside. She and I hadn’t talked much over the past few days. After that alcohol poisoning disaster, we’d kept our distance from one another. I said some things I shouldn’t have said, and she obviously wished she hadn’t heard them. “What can I do for you?” I skipped the pleasantries altogether.

“You have a minute?” She sat down in the chair in front of my desk. It was the only time I’d seen her without her folder. She wasn’t in her work attire either, just jeans and a t-shirt. Her aura of confidence was snuffed out, and she could barely meet my look.

“Of course. If this is about everything I said when I was in bed, I’m sorry. I—”

“No, Crewe,” she said quickly. “There’s something I need to tell you. It’s difficult because…I know things for us aren’t going to end well.”

I shut my laptop because the email I was writing became irrelevant. Ariel never expressed fear or doubt, so when she did, I knew it was serious. “I’m listening.”

She took a deep breath before she spoke. “Well…I made my feelings for London very clear—”

My phone rang on the desk.

“You can get that,” she said quickly.

I glanced at the screen. “I wonder why Joseph is calling me…” I felt bad interrupting Ariel when this was clearly important, but Joseph didn’t call me unless he had a reason to. Maybe London was hurt. Maybe she needed help. “Sorry, I have to take this.” I placed the phone against my ear. “It’s Crewe. What’s up?”

“I need to talk to you,” he said. “I’m not supposed to say anything or get involved. London said she would kill me. But I feel like I should say something as her older brother.”

I didn’t know what he was talking about, but now I needed to know. “What is it?”

“She left because of that little cunt of yours, Ariel.”

My eyes moved to Ariel. When I saw the guilty look on her face along with all the fidgeting, I knew she could hear every word Joseph was saying. “What about her?”

“Ariel told London she would only stay if London promised not to marry you. When Ariel found out you were going to propose, she told London and sent her away. London doesn’t want to be in America right now. She just did it because she knew how devastated you would be without Ariel by your side. She knows she’s family to you—all you’ve got. I just wanted to tell you that…” Joseph kept talking, but I didn’t listen to a word he said.

All I could do was stare at Ariel.

Slight tears formed in her eyes. I’d never seen Ariel cry, but she was on the verge of breaking down.

Joseph kept rambling in my ear as my hand tightened into a fist. My knuckles turned white, and I felt rage like I’d never known before. I’d never wanted to hit a woman so much in my life. I wanted to break my desk into pieces just to have something to throw at her. Good thing I didn’t have a gun anywhere nearby. I’d probably shoot her in the goddamn face. “Thanks for letting me know. I have to go.”

“Wait, what are you—”

I hung up on him and tossed the phone on my desk. Then I stared at her.

She stared at me.

I didn’t move or speak. It was one of those moments when I was so mad I couldn’t even think. All I could do was feel ferocious rage. Not only did she purposely sabotage my happiness, but she severed her loyalty to me. Any trust I had for her evaporated like hot steam from a boiling pot. All I could see was red.

Ariel blinked her tears away and hid them as best she could. She still didn’t say anything, probably because she had no defense.

I rubbed my fingers along my jaw, feeling my heart pound in my chest. I should have trusted my instincts when London behaved strangely. She told me she wanted to leave, but everything she said contradicted the way she was with me.

She did love me.

She did want to be with me.

The realization dimmed my anger, but only slightly. The sooner I got on a plane, the sooner I could be with her.

But first, I had to take care of this bitch. “Looks like you’re the snake in the garden.”

Ariel’s eyes looked slightly bigger with the black frames on her nose. Her expression wasn’t so professional anymore. Now she had emotions, reactions. Above all else, she looked scared. “Let me explain myself…”

“Sure. I’d like to see you try.” There was nothing she could say to justify what she did. Not a single thing.

“I don’t need to remind you of everything she did to us…”

“No,” I said coldly. “I was there. I remember.”

“She’s not trustworthy, and I didn’t want to work in a business where she could benefit from it. I’ve never trusted her feelings toward you. I’ve never trusted that she would be a good partner for you. I didn’t want you to throw away everything you worked for by choosing the wrong wife.”

That only made it worse because those reasons were bullshit. “I understand you like to be in control of everything around you. But I’m not something that can be controlled, Ariel. I’ll fuck who I want to fuck. And I’ll marry who I want to marry. I’d definitely prefer to leave you behind than sacrifice the love of my life. You had no right to do what you did. I’ll never forgive you. And I’ll certainly never trust you.”

When she blinked, a small tear emerged. “I understand, Crewe. I didn’t realize how much you loved her until she was gone. That’s when I realized I made a mistake. I came in here to tell you that.”

“Looks like her brother beat you to the punch.”

“And if he hadn’t, I would have told you myself. I admit what I did was wrong, and I came in here to make it right. I understand if you don’t want to work with me anymore, but I promise I’ll never do anything like that again. I promise I’ll make this right and get her back here. I promise—”

“Fuck you, Ariel. I don’t want you within three miles of me at any times. You hate London because of what she did, but your actions are far worse. She was the victim of a kidnapping, and she was trying to survive. You were just a brat who wanted to get your way.” I shook my head and ground my teeth. “The world isn’t accepting of who you love, but I’ve always been supportive of that. You know I would defend you and stand up for you, even to the fucking Queen of England. I thought we had each other’s backs, Ariel. I thought we loved each other—”

“We do.”

“Shut the fuck up. You threatened to leave our business because you didn’t accept who I loved. And then London sacrificed me just to get you to stay. I find it very odd that my relationship revolves around you. I find it very odd that the person I trust most stabbed me in the back like that. It’s so selfish I can’t even stomach it.”

“I know what I did was wrong—”

“I’ll never forgive you.” We could argue for a week straight, and I wouldn’t change my position. Ariel was corrupt and cruel. She claimed she did everything to protect me, but she did it for her own self-interests. “I never want to see you again. I’ll talk to my lawyer, and he’ll take care of all your shit. All communication can be done through him.”

Now she cried harder and wiped the tears away with her fingertips. “Crewe—”

I rose out of my chair and snatched my phone on the way out. “I have to go get my woman now. I don’t have time for any more of this bullshit.”