I couldn’t remember the last time I hurt this much. Every limb, every muscle and joint in my body moved like I hadn’t walked in months. It took all my strength to walk away from Rebecca, mascara smeared down her cheeks, asking me not to.

Doubt flared while I flung my clothes into the suitcases in her closet, a closet I’d made my own a month ago and thought I’d never leave.

Everything about the last twenty-four hours went so completely tits up I still hadn’t pieced together how it fell apart so easily.

I’d told her I didn’t need to hear her say to me she loved me.

I did though, need her to love me, and staying like she asked, while she tried to figure it out didn’t give me hope of anything changing. I’d give her everything, absolutely everything I had, my money, my body, my heart, if I knew it’d be returned, even in a minuscule measure.

The very fact she was so terrified, so willing to let me walk away for months at a time told me enough.

She wanted me. I had no doubt she cared for me more than she verbally admitted. But earlier, in that room, with everything I thought I had so close and so far away, what I saw was a woman too terrified, too far behind a wall I thought I’d scaled, to let me in enough to know I wouldn’t get burned in the end.

Time might get her to a place where she was willing to lower those barriers. Space wouldn’t.

That saying if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you it was always meant to be was complete and utter bullshit.

If you loved something, you tended it and cared for it, you hung on with both hands and your entire heart because the world would work to yank it apart. I’d learned that the hard way, and so had she. The very idea of Rebecca being willing to watch me go, send me half a country away for months at a time, told me she didn’t want to grab hold of anything.

I threw my bathroom items into my last bag and zipped it up.

I’d already called and an Uber would be here in thirty more minutes.

I hadn’t even booked a flight yet, but I’d do it in the car, or once I got to Kansas City. I didn’t bother calling Max. He’d send me a plane, but Rebecca’s uncle was the last person I wanted to talk to at that moment.

Even if I had to spend the night in a hotel, it was better than sleeping so close to a woman who wanted me but couldn’t admit she loved me.

“Shit.” Luggage thrown over my shoulders and two on wheels behind me, it took two trips to haul them outside.

The entire time I packed, I hadn’t seen Rebecca, and even now the house almost groaned with sorrow and silence.

Her truck was parked in the garage, though, so she had to be somewhere close.

But maybe this was better. It’d taken every ounce of strength I possessed earlier to press my lips to her skin and still walk away.

With my bags outside, I headed toward the goats. Crazed urges had taken over my soul if I was worried about saying goodbye to a baby goat almost as much as a woman.

“Hey, Pepper,” I said, rubbing his head while he bumped up against my legs. “I’ll miss you, buddy.”

The rumble of a car coming down the drive, the kicking up of gravel tinking against the sides caught my attention. It wasn’t my Uber like I expected, but instead was a police car, and Ryan was behind the wheel.

“Hey, man,” he said, calling to me, as he climbed out of his car. “Tried calling you to let you know I was on my way. Rebecca around?”

In weeks, we hadn’t heard anything about the cattle shot on her property. Every time I asked Ryan, or Rebecca tried to call for information, we were told the same thing.

They had no information during an open investigation they could give us. Apparently, being the little sister to the best friend of a cop didn’t grant special privileges, and as much as I understood that, it had still frustrated the hell out of me.

“I’m here,” Rebecca said. She walked around the corner of her house, coming from the direction of the back.

I could barely look at her. She’d washed her face, removed her eye makeup, but her eyes were swollen and puffy, bright red and she’d clearly still been crying.

“What’s up, Ryan?” She glanced at me and moved toward him.

My feet carried me several steps behind her, but as we got close, I kept my distance.

Ryan’s gaze bounced between us before he caught sight of my luggage. “Going somewhere?”

“Home,” I said, though the word tasted like sludge. I’d started considering this home my home, and hell, in L.A., I no longer had a home. The transfer of my property had been signed over to Camilla and finished weeks ago. My beach house was already listed for sale.

“Already?” Ryan asked.

Neither Rebecca or I spoke and his typically friendly eyes hardened. “I see.”

Yeah, I bet he did. Hard to miss the distance between us, thick as the Great Wall of China.

“Why are you here?” Rebecca asked and this time, his gaze turned soft when he turned to her.

“Yeah.” He held out a check and Rebecca took it. “I should have done this later, not on duty because this isn’t exactly ethical, but this is the check from Samuel Jefferson for your cattle.”

“They admitted it?” I asked.

“Nope. Samuel about lost his damn mind though when I told him the bullets we found matched his fingerprints. Said other than he and Gavin, no one shoots those guns, but a couple weeks ago, he had his nephews in town and called them spoiled little city pricks.”

Next to me, Rebecca’s shoulders slumped. “So, they did but didn’t do it. Or, whatever.”

“All’s I know is he scribbled out that check, said he’d take care of ‘em even if they weren’t in town anymore, and he’d make it right.”

“Do you trust him?” I asked. It was too easy to blame something on some kids who didn’t live there.

“Not much more we can do, and not much evidence to find.” He turned to Rebecca. “Wish I had more, but I’m assuming if you don’t have any more trouble, consider it a bunch of stupid kids with too much time on their hands and not enough sense. Maybe they saw the coyote and chased after it. Maybe they were just being assholes. But, you’re compensated for the loss and that should help somewhat.”

She clutched the check to her chest, still looking doubtful. “Thanks, Ryan. That means a lot.”

“Also, since I was out and wanted to talk to you, Kelly said she wants you over for dinner. Both of you, actually, but I’m guessing that’s not going to happen.”

“Can you tell her I’ll call her later?” Rebecca asked. Her chin was lifted with a defiant tilt of her head, but even I could see she was fighting back tears.

“Right. Then, this is awkward and I can tell you two aren’t getting along right now, so I’m going to head out. Call me if anything else strange happens though, yeah?”

“Of course,” Rebecca said.

He held out his hand to me. “Take care, man. We’ll see you soon?”

“It was great meeting you Ryan. Tell Kelly the same.”

“Right,” he repeated, not missing my meaning, and pulled his hand from mine.

We both watched him leave, his patrol car pulling out of the long drive, kicking up dust as he went.

Silence stretched between us, thicker than the hot, late afternoon sun beating down on us.

“I should go,” I said, only for something to say and started heading toward the porch. Every step felt like I was trudging through sinking sand, dragging me down deeper and deeper.

“I went to see Joseph today,” Rebecca said. Her shaky voice rang through the air like a gunshot. “When I went to see my parents.”

My feet froze mid-step up the porch stairs. Still, I kept my back to her.

“I had to talk to them. And, it was stupid, but sometimes a girl just needs her mom and I needed my mom. I miss them, all of them, and I’m still so angry and hurt and no matter where I turn, I never get the answers I need to let it all go.”

Pain laced her voice and I turned, one hand still on the railing. “You could have just told me that earlier.”

“I’m scared, Cooper. Do you know what it’s like to feel like you can’t hold on to your marriage, that it was falling apart and you never saw it happening and then you turn around and you’re alone and everything you’d built, everything you thought you had suddenly seemed like the biggest lie in the world?”

Didn’t she know who she was talking to? I arched a brow, silently asking her that same question.

“Damn it.” She stomped her foot and she looked adorable doing it. “I know you do, but you don’t. Nothing I’ve said today has come out right. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m just having a hard time trusting that this is good. That you actually love me. You got your closure with Camilla. You got your arguments and your fights and your excuses. You were able to sift through all the crap and make a decision. I’m left with a pile of questions and no answers and if I don’t have them, how do I know I won’t repeat the same mistakes, make the same screw-ups and do it all again?”

My feet, lighter now, went to her. Her face was screwed up in pain and confusion and fear, and damn it if I didn’t understand all of that.

“His choices were his, and regardless of what was going on between you two, he made the wrong ones.” My hands cupped her cheeks and I swiped her trembling bottom lip with my thumb. Scared and pale and on the verge of more tears, she was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Her pain and fear hurt. “You probably did make mistakes. That makes you human. And, I could still replay every moment with Camilla, even knowing the outcome, and still not figure out where it went wrong. There will always be questions and there will always be doubts. I don’t love you because you’re perfect, Rebecca. I love you because you’re you.”

Her hands, slender fingers and hot palms pressed against the back of my hands. “I love you, and it scares the hell out of me. I don’t even know how it happened, but—”

I slammed my mouth to hers and stole the rest of her speech. I didn’t need it. Honesty poured from her, along with a surprised whimper followed by something much more pleasant as she pressed her body against mine. I kissed her, gave her everything I wanted to do earlier, wanted to do yesterday and still wanted to do every day for the rest of our lives.

But something else occurred to me as we kissed, pleasure zipping down my spine and straight to my balls.

More than she loved me, she still needed time.

I needed her to come to me certain she was ready to move on, despite the past and shitty hands we’d both been dealt.

“I love you,” I whispered against her lips. “I always will.”

“I know.” Her brown eyes crinkled and glimmered in the sun. Everything screamed at me to throw away sense and speed ahead with my heart and my hard dick.

But, that wasn’t what was best for her, and in the long run, us. She didn’t just need to come to me ready, she needed to know that when I returned to her, it was without any doubts in my decisions, too.

We both turned, the hum of a car’s engine riding slowly through the gates at the end of the long drive and rumbling over the cattle guards.

I brushed my lips against hers. “Take all the time you need.”

I dropped my hands from her cheeks as confusion flickered across her features. “You’re still leaving? I thought—”

“I think it’s for the best. Take the time you need. We’ll talk. We’ll talk a lot. But you need time, and in all honesty, I might, too. I’m over Camilla, and I see her for who she is, but that doesn’t mean I might not need time to make sure that when we come back together—and we will—that we’re both in a place ready to put the past behind us, so it doesn’t weigh us down in the future. I want us healthy and whole, both of us.”

“I don’t want you to go anymore.” Her chin quivered and I pulled her to me. Her forehead slammed to my shoulder and her arms flew around my waist, holding me tight. “I want you here.”

“You’re here.” I took her hand and pressed it my chest. “I swear it, Rebecca. We’ll figure it out.”

“I love you,” she whispered, her voice ragged and shaky. “I don’t know why it was so hard to say earlier.”

“Because you need time. And that’s okay. I shouldn’t have pushed you.” I kissed her forehead, holding her to me, inhaling the sweet scent of her. “I love you, too.”

Before I could change my mind, that decision becoming cloudier by the moment, I stepped back and took her hands in mine. I squeezed them tightly and let go.

She stood in the same place as I threw the bags into the back of my Uber requested Ford sedan, and well after the car pulled out to the main road.