After waking from my dream, I never fell back to sleep. I tossed and turned, thinking about Nathan. Worrying about Simon, wondering why he had become so distant with me at the mention of his wife. It wasn’t like we had never talked about her before, so I wasn’t sure why he would act that way all of a sudden. But I was no one to question it. I knew grief affected people differently, and how you were feeling one day about something wasn’t necessarily how you’d be feeling the next.
By the time the sun rose, I couldn’t stand being alone with my thoughts anymore, so I hopped in the shower and then took Macy for a walk to clear my head. Simon was still asleep by the time we got back. Since I was still feeling really bad about opening my big mouth, I decided to make him a peace offering, right to his stomach. I had gotten all of the ingredients to make Jack a crepe recipe I had seen online. He had been adamant that he wouldn’t like it, so I’d never made it. I was hoping that his dad would be a little more amenable to trying it out. I followed the instructions step by step, and I had to step back and admire my masterpiece when I was through. It truly looked like something that could be served at a gourmet restaurant in Paris.
“Why are you up so early?” Simon asked as he entered the kitchen.
“Oh, perfect timing!” I turned around, loving his first-woken-up-in-the-morning look with his messy hair and his sleepy eyes. He had a boyish appearance to him that I couldn’t explain; maybe it was because he reminded me so much of Jack when he wore his glasses. “I made this for you.” I smiled, hoping he was over his displeasure with me from the previous night. Relief washed over me when he smiled back.
He took a seat, and I placed the plate in front of him, turning around and preparing his coffee the way he liked it.
“Is it good?” I asked as he took the first bite.
“It’s really good.”
I smiled and handed him his coffee.
“Aren’t you having any?” he asked as I took a seat across from him with just my cup of coffee.
I shook my head. “No, I’m not really hungry.” I stared at him, wanting to know if we were okay after the night before, but I was afraid to bring it up for fear it would upset him once again. “I really need to be heading home soon. I have so much laundry piled up it’s ridiculous.” I tried to gauge his reaction, but there was none. He just continued eating and didn’t say a word, leading me to believe he wasn’t over the previous night.
I couldn’t take his silence anymore. I got up and went to the sink to wash the dishes I had dirtied, staring out the window at the beautiful spring day, wishing I was feeling as good on the inside as the weather was on the outside. I closed my eyes, trying to contain my smile when I felt Simon’s body pressing into my back as his arms wrapped around me. I leaned my head into his chest, relishing in the touch of his warm, soft lips trailing down my neck. Turning off the water, I spun around to face him. My hand reached up to the side of his face, tracing my thumb along his five o’clock shadow. “Have I ever told you how sexy you look in your glasses?”
“No, you haven’t.” He flashed me a brief, genuine grin.
“Well, you do.” I stood on my tippy-toes and placed a soft kiss on his lips. His kiss back was a lot more intense, and I knew exactly what it was going to lead to. I pulled away, wanting to clear the air before going any further. I didn’t want to use sex as a tool to skirt over our differences. I wanted to be able to talk about it and actually know what was bothering him. I knew I was killing the moment, but I didn’t care. “Simon, I want to talk about last night, about what I said. I’m so sorry for upsetting you.”
He looked down at the floor, taking me off guard when he moved closer to me and whispered in my ear, “You didn’t upset me. I love you too, Bree.”
My heart melted and my stomach danced as I gazed at him, speechless. I couldn’t believe he’d heard me. I had been certain that he was sleeping when those words had spilled from my mouth. That wasn’t the topic I had intended to address when I was speaking of last night, but I wasn’t going to fight it. He’d chased away any doubt I was feeling over bringing up his wife with just those three little words. It all seemed so surreal. It was so obvious why I loved Simon. But how could this gorgeous, genuine, perfect man love someone like me?
I pressed my forehead to his and smiled through my tear-filled eyes. He kissed me once again, starting out gently and building the intensity. Our lips reluctantly parted when he pulled my shirt over my head and lifted me onto the counter. I threw my head back as his mouth trailed down to my breast, closing my eyes and running my fingers through his hair. Things could definitely change in an instant, and up until then, I had only experienced the good to bad. It felt so good to finally be on the reverse end of it. I had woken up riddled with doubt, fearing that I had put a wedge between us the night before, but instead we had only gotten closer, and the best part of all…he loved me back.
***
Simon joined me in my morning chore of laundry. He didn’t come to my place often, so it was so nice to have him there. After throwing the last load in the dryer, we decided to take the short walk to Chelsea Market to look around.
“Simon!” a woman’s voice called just as we were about to leave.
I secretly cringed when I realized that the voice belonged to Simon’s friend Tiffany. She handed her bags off to her husband, who was lagging behind, and threw her arms around Simon, giving him an extra-long hug and then a kiss on the cheek. I would have said she was doing it for my benefit, but I truly didn’t think she even noticed me. She was so consumed by Simon. “How are you, sweetie?” she ogled over him, her smile quickly fading when she looked my way.
“I’m well. Thanks.” Simon was very matter-of-fact with her.
“I’m sorry, we did meet, right?” Tiffany asked in an overly friendly voice.
“Yes, we did,” was all I offered. I wasn’t into playing games with people, and I wasn’t going to start then.
“I’m sorry, I totally forgot your name.”
“Aubree.” I was short and to the point, trying to ignore the fact that her husband was eyeing me up like a piece of meat.
“So, Simon, what have you been up to, sweetheart? How’s Jack? He must be getting so big,” she continued.
“Jack is doing good.”
I looked down at the ground and smiled when Simon wrapped his arm around me, causing her to do a double take.
“How’s business going?” her husband finally chimed in.
“It’s busy, but I’m not complaining.”
“Don’t be such a stranger. We need to meet up for a drink sometime.” Her husband patted Simon on the shoulder.
“Yes, either that or you and Jack need to come by for dinner,” Tiffany added. “We need to catch up on old times.”
Simon gave them a curt nod. “It was nice to see you guys.”
Tiffany’s eyes widened over Simon’s abruptness, averting her gaze to me once again. “Yeah, you too, Simon. Give Jack a hug for me.”
“Will do,” he muttered, still holding tightly to my waist as we walked away.
“She hates my guts,” I snickered.
Simon’s phone rang just as we were about to exit. “Oh shit, I’ve got to take this. It’s about my meeting for tomorrow.”
“Oh, no problem. Just meet me in here when you’re done.”
He nodded and answered his phone as I entered Anthropologie to check out the latest spring fashions.
I was scouring through a rack of shirts that caught my eye. Finally locating my size, I pulled it out and held it against me as I looked into the mirror.
“I’d go with the blue instead of the pink. It’ll bring out your eyes.”
I looked past my reflection to find Tiffany standing behind me.
“Thanks, but I prefer pink.” I placed the top back, not much in the mood for shopping anymore.
She shrugged. “Suit yourself. I just happen to know Simon prefers blue.”
I took a deep breath, trying to shake it off.
“Did you know that you have the same exact color eyes as Annie?”
“No, I did not.” I tried to walk away, but she continued.
“And the same color hair?”
I turned around, creasing my eyebrows in confusion, trying to figure out where she was going with this. “Well, it’s not like blond hair and blue eyes are uncommon, is it?”
“No.” She pretended as if she was interested in the clothes on the rack she was standing by, focusing her attention on moving the hangers the whole time she spoke to me. “But the physical similarities between the two of you are quite remarkable. But I guess that’s where any likeness ends, because he will never care for you the way he did for her.”
I shook my head and let out an annoyed huff, needing to get as far away from the bitch as possible.
“Doesn’t that bother you?” she shouted.
I knew I should have kept walking and ignored her, but I couldn’t help myself. I turned back around and moved closer. “Does what bother me? That Simon prefers blondes with blue eyes? No it does not.”
She let out a sarcastic laugh. “You’re nothing but a fill-in who will never live up to the real deal. So I assume you guys are fucking?” She raised her voice, causing some nearby shoppers to glance our way.
“That is none of your business!” I snapped.
“You’re right, it’s not. Far be it from me to question what trash Simon decides to sleep with, but just remember, if you are…he’s imagining being with her the entire time.”
“Tiffany!” Simon shouted just as I was about to go off on her.
“Oh, hey,” she feigned innocence when she turned around to Simon.
“How dare you talk to her that way?”
“It’s fine, Simon.” I tried to diffuse the situation.
“No, it’s not, Bree.” He focused his attention back to Tiffany. “What I do, and who I do it with, is none of your business. I was never your friend. I just tolerated you and your asshole husband for Annie’s sake.”
Her eyes widened.
“So don’t you dare involve yourself in my life or talk to the people I care about like you know me so well. Because the truth of the matter is, you don’t know shit about me, and you didn’t know shit about your so-called best friend either…or maybe you did.” He glared at her.
She shook her head and looked away while I tried to figure out the cryptic message in his words.
“I could have handled her just fine on my own, you know,” I said to Simon once we were outside and away from that venomous, slithering snake.
“I know you could have, but I didn’t feel like bailing you out of jail.” He chuckled, taking my hand as we began to walk down the street.
“I don’t get it—why is she so consumed with your personal life?”
He shook his head.
“Did she ever try and hook up with you?”
“Not too long after Annie died. She was playing the part of the best friend, and tried to…”
“Get you into bed,” I finished. He nodded, and I had to ask, “Did she succeed?”
“Hell no! I don’t care how distraught I may have been, my judgment wasn’t that clouded.”
“So that’s why she’s so jealous,” I muttered. Even though she was a major bitch and clearly she was scorned over Simon’s rejection, her words did resonate with me somewhat. Was I always just going to be a close second? Was he only with me because I reminded him of his wife? How could someone like me ever live up to someone like her—his college sweetheart, the mother of his child? She didn’t have any skeletons in her closet or a past that she needed to forget. There was clearly no competition there. She would always be better than me.
“What’s going on, Bree?” Simon asked, reading my thoughts perfectly once again.
I sighed deeply. “I don’t know. Maybe she’s right. I’ll never be as good as her.”
“As good as who?” he questioned.
“Your wife.”
We stopped walking for a second and he looked down at me. “Don’t say that.”
“What? It’s true Simon, and you know it.”
“It’s not true!” His voice rose in the same tone that it had the previous night. “Just let’s go back to your place, okay?” His demeanor softened a bit.
I nodded and we continued to walk the few blocks in silence.
We arrived back at my place, and I threw my keys on the counter.
“I want to talk to you.” Simon spoke the first words of either of us in the past ten minutes.
I led him to the couch and we took a seat.
“I’m sorry for getting angry with you, but it drives me crazy that you have such a low opinion of yourself.”
“Well, Simon, it’s not like I actually have a past to be proud of.”
“That was your past, Bree. It’s not who you are now.”
“I know, but it will always be in the back of my mind, no matter how much I try and wipe it away. You had someone so perfect, and I don’t expect to measure up to—”
“Bree, stop it!” he demanded.
“Simon, it’s okay, I don’t want to take her place.”
“Goddamn it, Bree, stop!” he shouted, taking me off guard. “She wasn’t fuckin’ perfect. Far from it.”
I was speechless, scared to question any further, but hoping he would elaborate some more.
“She was with her boyfriend the day she died. Her fuckin’ boyfriend. The same one she was planning on leaving me and Jack for.”
I covered my mouth in shock. My heart was being slowly ripped from my chest as tears pooled in his eyes.
“It was all my fault. Every fuckin’ thing was my fault according to her. I worked too much. I was never home. She was always stuck with Jack. She was stuck with Jack,” he repeated. “Do you believe that?” He looked over at me, his anger growing. “What kind of mother says that about their child?”
I shook my head and took his hand.
“It was like she always resented him.”
“Who?” I asked.
“Jack. He wasn’t planned, but I was so happy when I found out she was pregnant. She never seemed excited about it. Even after he was born, she never had that bond with him that most mothers have with their children. I did everything for him. I’d get up in the middle of the night when he needed to be fed or changed. Not that I’m complaining. I love that kid more than life itself.”
“I know you do,” I whispered.
He threw his head back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. “I guess I do compare you to her, because when I see you with Jack, I think to myself ‘why couldn’t she be like that with him? Why couldn’t Jack be as happy with her as he is with you?’” He lifted his head from the couch and gazed at me. “So yeah, I do compare the two of you, just not in the way you think, and I wonder every day why I couldn’t have met you first.”
I pulled in my bottom lip as the emotions inside of me began to take over.
He wiped the lone teardrop rolling down his face. “From the very first time I met you, I knew you were genuine. You owned who you were and didn’t put on any fronts for anyone. Annie always had to pretend to be someone else. We had to pretend to be the perfect couple. She pretended to be this great mom. She’d accuse me of screwing around on her just to make herself feel better about what she was doing.”
“How did you find out?” I was cautious with my inquiry.
“I really didn’t until after. I had my suspicions about him, but she always denied it. She was an interior designer, and he was one of her clients. I didn’t want to believe it was true, and maybe a small part of me was naïve in thinking she’d never do something like that.” He shook his head. “Yeah, I was pretty stupid. She told me a bunch of her girlfriends were getting together for the weekend to go skiing. She was so angry when I told her I’d be out of town, and I didn’t understand why they just couldn’t reschedule it. As soon as my trip was canceled her whole attitude changed, and that’s when I really started suspecting something. We had some pretty nasty words with each other before she left, but it didn’t stop her from going. Then I finally got to meet Mr. Wonderful at the hospital—the guy who was able to give her all the things I couldn’t. I was so angry with her, and I battled with it every day because I didn’t feel like it was normal to feel that way about a dead person. It took me months before I could finally read her text messages on her phone, and when I did, I wished I hadn’t because it just made me angrier.”
I rubbed my hand up and down his arm, trying to settle him down. I could tell he was emotionally spent by reliving the story, and I couldn’t blame him; my heart was aching just listening to it.
“It was all there spelled out as clear as day. He had just bought a condo in the city, and she was going to move in with him. Her exact words: ‘Simon and Jack may hate me, but in the long run Jack will be much better off with Simon than with me.’”
“Oh my god!” The words slipped out. I couldn’t believe she was actually going to just walk away from her child. I didn’t know much about being a mother, but even I knew that wasn’t normal.
“Yeah, and then her goddamn parents have the nerve to tell me they’re gonna go after partial custody of Jack because I’m too busy with my job to be an attentive father. I let them have him once a month, I don’t try to keep him from them. I never told anyone in Annie’s family about what she did or her secret plan. I try to keep the peace with all of them for Jack’s sake.”
“They—they can’t do that to you, can they?” My voice rose in panic.
“No. My lawyer said they’d have to have a damn good reason for that to ever happen. I’m not worried about it.”
Simon continued to talk, but my mind was stuck on the fact that his in-laws could be so cruel and actually want to rip Jack away from him after everything he had been through. He once again proved how very noble he was by keeping what his wife had done quiet instead of smearing her name.
“I can’t even imagine the pain you were going through. You lost your wife in more ways than one on that day.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I guess I did. Maybe that’s why it hurt so damn bad. I still loved her after everything, but I was so damn angry with her. When we first met, I thought the sun rose and set in her eyes. I was like a lovesick puppy dog. Even when we first got married, things were great.”
“So what do you think changed?”
“Jack.” His voice cracked with emotion, and I felt my stomach turn. How could she have begrudged her own child? “Once he came along she had to change her lifestyle. She couldn’t go out with her friends all the time like she was used to doing. She said she gained weight…going from a size zero to a size two was a major tragedy for her.” His words were laced with cynicism. “She was always so vain about her appearance. She had to cut back her clients, and she hated it. These are the things I would have to hear over and over again. Every time I’d work late or have to go away for my business, I’d have to hear about the sacrifices she was making just by being his mother.” He let out a deep sigh and stared straight ahead. “You’re the first person I ever told this to.” He slowly turned his head in my direction, and I wished he hadn’t. His bright green eyes were dull and flat, radiating with pain.
I couldn’t take watching him torment himself any longer. I didn’t want to know any more because I was just getting angrier by the moment, hearing how she had treated him and Jack. I threw my arms around him and offered him comfort in a hug. “I’m so sorry, Simon,” I whispered. “Jack is so lucky to have you. You’re the greatest guy I know and the best dad ever, and you and Jack deserve nothing but the best.”
“And now, we finally have the best.”
My stomach fluttered.
“You’re a good person, and what happened in your past will never change that fact. You’re caring, loving, and you’re just you. You don’t put on any airs to try to impress people, because you’re likable enough being who you are. Last night when you asked me what the reasoning was for the tragedies in our life, I think maybe there was a plan.”
I swallowed hard, fighting back the tears.
“Because if none of this had happened, including your past that you’re trying to forget…I would have never met you.”
I nodded, unable to render words as the tears spilled from my eyes faster than I could catch them.
“So you see, something good even came from that. At least for me it did, anyway.”
“It did for me too, Simon. I look at you and I think it’s just a dream that I’m going to wake up from any minute. I don’t open my heart up to many people, but I need you to know that I really meant it when I told you I love you. I love you, and I love Jack, so much, and I would never do anything to hurt either of you. I’d rather hurt myself before I let that happen.” I stretched my neck and kissed him on the forehead.
He rested his head on my shoulder and we sat in comfortable silence for some time before he lifted his arm and glanced at his watch.
“I need to get going. They’re going to be dropping off Jack soon,” he said with reluctance.
“Okay,” I whispered, not wanting him to leave but knowing he had to. We both got up and I walked him to the door. “I’ll see you in the morning.” I stood on my tippy-toes and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
He nodded and smiled. “Sorry for laying that all on you just now.”
I overzealously shook my head. “Don’t be sorry, I’m honored that you felt comfortable enough to share that with me.”
He forced a smile and gazed down at me before throwing his arms around me. “Thank you for being you.” He skimmed my cheek with his lips and whispered, “Love you, Bree,” and then headed out the door.
I stood in the doorway long after he was gone, with a million thoughts racing through my mind. The weekend had been a whirlwind of emotions. We had both opened up about our feelings for each other, and both of us had exposed our painful pasts. We were on a whole new level in our relationship, and as exciting as it was, it also scared me, because if anything were to ever happen to sever that bond, I knew my heart would never recover.