THIRTY-THREE
“I stopped by home and picked something up on my way here,” Evan says, reclined on the sofa.
I turn away from the latest Married at First Sight episode and raise my eyebrows. “Yeah?”
“Mmm. I thought maybe this Friday I could save you ten bucks.”
A smile creeps onto my lips. “What are you talking about?”
He grins, rolling onto his side to face me properly. “I’ll show you.”
“Okay.”
He dashes across the living room to snag his keys, and then disappears out the front door. I sit watching the TV, yet not taking in a single thing the contestants say as I wonder what he’s got with him. He reappears a few minutes later, closing the door softly, given Briar’s already in bed.
Evan sets a guitar case down beside the sofa, sitting down and then leaning over to click the catches open.
“No way.” I clap my hands excitedly.
He smiles, pulling the acoustic guitar from its velvet enclosure and positioning it on his legs.
“Are you going to sing it again for me?”
He shakes his head. “No.” His piercing blue eyes hold mine captive as he sighs. “Something better.” His fingers flick the strings as he checks the tuning. “Something that made me think of you every time I heard it, so I made it my mission to learn how to play it.”
God, could my heart swell any more for this man? “What is it?”
“A song by Tiki Taane. I’m sure you’ve heard it.”
He drags in a deep breath and starts, mucking up one of the notes. “Ugh. Hold on.” He closes his eyes, seeming to count in his head as he nods ever so slightly, and then plays.
The distinctive beat of Always On My Mind fills my small living room. His voice carries the melody perfectly; he was made to play this song.
He sings of undying love, of the perfect girl, the dream.
Of a perfect union.
He sings of us.
Evan’s fingers strum the final note, and he then places the guitar gently in its case. His shoulders rise with the deep breath he takes before he finally looks up to see what my reaction is.
I wipe the tears from my cheeks and smile like a lunatic, unable to form words that do him justice.
“So, you liked it then?”
I burst out laughing, scooting off my seat to crawl over to where he sits, and position myself between his knees. “So much more than like.” I blink, glancing to the ceiling to get my shit together. “So much more.”
“Every word, baby.” He caresses the side of my face, running his palm down to my shoulder. “You’re all I think about.”
“Ditto. One hundred percent,” I whisper, leaning my forehead to his.
“I can’t explain this, Amelia; how you make me feel. It’s as though I’m finally whole again.”
He’s echoed my thoughts completely.
“You give me reason,” I say, kissing his nose, his lips, his jaw. “You give all the shit I went through a purpose.” I smile and chuckle softly. “Surviving that hell brought me back to you, and if going back and changing what happened means I wouldn’t get to this, now, then I would go through every minute of the pain all over again.”
“Don’t say that,” he whispers, lifting me and guiding me to his lap. “My heart hurts every time I think about what he did to you. The anger….” He heaves a breath out his nose. “I wanted to kill him the other night. I wanted him to hurt more than you did.”
“I know.” I settle my legs either side of his. “I wanted that too.”
“It’s not fair,” he says, the rage clear in his eyes. “How can he just go on about his life like nothing he did mattered?”
“He’s made his bed, Evan. His lies will catch up to him.”
“You think?”
“I have to believe they will, otherwise I drive myself crazy thinking the same things you do.”
He reaches up to stroke my hair from my face, his eyes focused and intent as he traces the shell of my ear with his fingertip. “I’ve seen creeps like him get away with it too often, you know. That’s the part of the job that’s the worst, when battered women seek help, but the system lets them down.” He sighs, leaning forward to rest his forehead against my chest. “I wish I could help them all, but I know it’s impossible, and that just seems so damn unjust.”
“Look at me.” I coax his face to mine with my hands placed either side of his head. “You, Evan North, are a good man with a good heart. But you feel too deeply. If you want to make it through your days without suffering under the weight of everything that’s cruel and unfair in the world, you need to let it go and accept you can’t help everyone.”
“I know, but it’s hard, Amelia. When I see those women come back in week after week, seeking protection from the arseholes that cut them down, abuse and manipulate them, all I see is you. All I see is the girl I couldn’t save, but should have.”
“Let. It. Go.” I shake his head a little to firm my point. “I’m here, okay, and with you. You didn’t fail me. It wasn’t your responsibility, it was mine.” I roll my eyes, fighting the tears. “It was all my responsibility. I was the one who didn’t tell anyone what was going on. I was the one who didn’t fight hard enough. I was the one who let him control me. It was me, always me.”
He fists his hands in my hair, pulling my head to his. “No, Amelia.” His breath shakes as he sucks it in. “Don’t take ownership of what he did. Nobody deserves that, no matter how badly you think you handled it afterward. Don’t put yourself through that shit again.”
“I can’t help it,” I sob, remembering the things my parents said, what he did to Kath before she died. “It’s just … with everything that’s gone on lately, all I can think about is how easy it would have been for me to swallow my pride and knock on her door,” I cry.
“Kath had the same opportunities, Amelia. Don’t take all the guilt when she made the same choices as you.”
I break down, sobbing uncontrollably as the shields I’ve held up for so long finally tire and drop, revealing the terrified girl behind them. I’ve played the part, pretended I had no choice and that everything happened how it did because there was no other way.
But it’s bullshit.
I had every chance to reconnect with my sister, to change the course of our history, and yet, I took the coward’s way out. I accepted our breakdown for what it was, not fighting harder to turn it around to the victory it should have been.
How much would that have stuck it to Tristan, if despite everything he’d done, the lies he’d woven, we had stood united?
But it’s too late now.
And no amount of self-loathing and pity will change a damn thing.
“Aunty?” Briar’s concerned voice drifts from his bedroom doorway.
I wipe my nose with the back of my hand, dragging a staggered breath in to try and compose myself as I climb off Evan’s lap.
“Did I wake you, buddy?”
“Are you okay?”
I exchange a glance with Evan, and then cross to where Briar stands watching me. “I’m a little upset, but I’ll be okay.”
He reaches out, and I scoop him into my arms, relishing his warmth as he wraps his embrace around my neck.
“Love you, Aunty.”
“I love you too, Briar. And I promise, I’ll be okay.”
He sighs, resting his cheek against his arm.
“I’ll tuck you back in, huh?”
He snuggles me right up until his back hits the mattress, reluctantly letting go. I pull his blanket up, and he regards me with wide eyes, reaching up to stroke a stray tear off my cheek with his finger.
“I miss her too,” he whispers.
“I think wherever she is, she’ll be missing you as well, buddy.” I lean over and place a kiss to his temple, flaring my nostrils to stave off more tears.
“Can Evan tuck me in too?”
I nod, emotionally destroyed by how touching that request is. “Okay. I’ll go get him.”
My chest hurts, my eyes raw as I head back through to the living room to find Evan hunched over on the sofa, his head in his hands.
“Briar would like you to tuck him in as well.”
My heart aches to see the man I care for so conflicted, but what makes me feel worse is knowing I turned the mood on its head like this. He played me a beautiful love song, and good old me decided to reward him with an emotional breakdown.
Winning, Mimi.
Evan looks up at my statement, and nods. “Sure thing.” He stands, leaning in to give me a quick kiss as he passes me by. “Back soon, babe.”
He disappears into Briar’s room, and I collapse into the armchair, biting my lip to save from making any noise as my tears return.
I’ve been strong up until now, but I guess when you bottle your emotions for so long, there’s only so much you can hold off on before the top spills over.
Taking the seat cushion in hand, I focus on clenching and unclenching my fists into it, bringing myself back into the now and placing my wayward emotions in check. That man in there, the amazing guy tucking my nephew in without a second’s hesitation, deserves so much more than this. He deserves the best of me, my full focus.
He deserves the compassion he shows me back at him tenfold.
“All sorted,” Evan says as he crosses back to where I sit. “Should I tuck you in too?”
I chuckle, so in love with the fact he can always make me laugh.
“Yeah, okay.”
“I might even come up with a bedtime story for you if you’re a good girl.” He offers his hand, a playful smirk curling those beautifully full lips up.
I take hold, immediately feeling better now that he’s close again. “What if I want to be a bad girl?” I tease, trying to ignore the fact I’m probably a snotty, puffy mess.
“Well then,” he says, raising one eyebrow. “That’s something else entirely.”
“You may need to show me,” I say. “Because I think I’m a little fuzzy on the details.”
He grumbles, steering me toward the bedroom. “By the time I’m done with you, you won’t be clear on much at all.”
Sounds like the perfect way to forget a shitty day.