“You’re going to be a dad.” Caroline’s sitting next to me and she’s as beautiful as the day she left me.
“Yeah,” I whisper, guilt ebbing at me. “I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I’m really happy with Mackenzie. I know she’s the one…”
Her hand rests on my knee and she smiles at me.
“I’m happy for you, Ford.”
The minute the words flow from her mouth I feel something released from me. Guilt? Worry? Whatever it is, after years of grief, it finally feels…right. Okay.
She gives me a hug and I watch her walk away from me for the final time.
My eyes crack open in my room and all I see is black. I’ve dreamed about Caroline too many times to count over the years but it’s never been like that. It’s always been sad, depressing, and scary. This was the closure I think I needed. It didn’t make me wake up in terror that I’ve once again lost the love of my life. It didn’t make me want to reach for the bottle. It only made me happy. Happy that I finally see the value in living my life. I lie there in the dark bed and my mind wanders to the dream. That was the first dream I’ve ever had that I woke up feeling refreshed and excited for living another day.
I glance over at the clock, knowing I finally passed out a little after midnight, but it’s two am and Mackenzie’s still not here. Where is she? She couldn’t possibly still be working at this hour. Sitting up, I rub the sleep from my eyes and find my phone. There are no missed calls, no new texts…nothing.
Now I’m worried. It’s a winter storm out there and she’s closer to my home than she is hers. I figured she’d be coming home…to me. Maybe she went back to her place?
I dial her number but it goes straight to voicemail, making my anxiety rise to levels I’m not proud of. I’ve never been one to obsess over something, but this is giving me a horrible feeling for some reason.
I hit dial again, being sent to voicemail once more then as I’m typing out a text, my phone rings with an unknown number and I get that plummeting feeling in my stomach. Something just doesn’t feel right about this.
“Hello?” I answer hesitantly. Maybe it’s just a wrong number. Hopefully it’s just a wrong number.
“Ford?” The girl blurts and I think I could be sick. I know that voice.
“Jules? What’s wrong? Why are you calling me?” There’s panic in my tone and I hope I’m just overreacting.
“You… You should come up to the hospital. St. Johns.”
“Why?” I blurt, rushing around the house to find my clothes and shoes. “What happened, Jules?” Where the fuck are my keys? “Where’s Mackenzie?”
“Ford, she’s fine. It’s fine. Just…get up here, okay?”
“Yeah, I’m on my way.” I rush out the door and after a mad sprint to clean off the fucking car, I’m on the road driving way to recklessly for this time of night in the winter weather but there’s only one thing on my mind right now and it’s definitely not the fact that I may crash my car.
It’s Mackenzie. And the baby.
I rush inside after pulling into what I think was a parking spot, but the hospital hasn’t cleared the spots and I don’t have time to worry about that shit right now. I rush into the ER and find Jules waiting by the double doors, her eyebrows pulled together as she looks at something on her phone.
“Jules,” I blurt, rushing over to her. Her eyes fly to mine and go wide immediately.
“Thank God you’re here.” Her arms wrap around me and I return the gesture briefly, but don’t hold on for long because I need my Mackenzie.
“What happened? What’s going on?” I shove my hands through my hair then into my pockets to try and hide the anxiety racing through me.
“Eric got to her, Ford. All she said was his wife left him, he freaked out. Somehow he knew about the baby…he got her good, too.” She shakes her head and my blood starts to boil. I never wanted anyone dead in my entire life but I knew I should have ended him that night.
“Where is she? What the hell do you mean he got to her? Why’s she in the fucking hospital, Jules?” I really need to rein this in before I see Mack. She doesn’t need to see me this wound up, it’ll just make her worry and that’s the last thing she needs right now.
“I’ll take you to her. Come on.” She pushes through the doors and heads down the hall, stopping at one of the emergency room bays and taking a breath. “I’ll be out here if either of you need me.” She pulls the curtain aside for me to step in.
“Holy shit, baby,” I whisper, trying to take in the sight in front of me without freaking out. She tries saying something, but it comes out a suppressed sob.
I rush to her, fire in the pit of my stomach a ball of nerves ready to explode because I feel like the only good news walking out of here is that I still have my girl. But that’s it. She cries into my shirt, each tear that falls from my eyes ten fall from hers. She doesn’t have to say the words; hell, I don’t want to hear them. I know.
She lost the baby, and it hurts more than words can explain.
Her fingers grip onto my shirt tightly and she wraps her body around mine as I sit on the side of her bed. I’ve never felt pain like this. I’ve never felt so high just to come crashing down so low. I wanted that baby more than life itself.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispers, hiccupping into my neck where she’s nuzzled her face, hiding from me. I smooth my hand down her back and squeeze my eyes shut tight.
“Shhh,” I manage. She has absolutely nothing to be sorry about. But if I try to talk right now I know I’ll start to choke up again and I need to be strong for her. I’m hurting, but she’s hurting more.
The doctor walks in and clears her throat after what feels like a lifetime of holding Mack on that bed. I turn to look at her and the look on her face says it all.
“Mrs. Mueller, I just need to check a few things then I’ll go over your at home care instructions with you and get you on your way.” She eyes me for a moment then looks back at Mackenzie. “Are you ok with him being here for this part?”
I glance at Mackenzie and she nods, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.
“Whatever you have to say to me, he needs to hear too.”
As I sit here studying her face, partially listening to the doctor, I finally have time to really look at my girl and the longer I do the longer I want to leave here, buy a fucking gun, and end this once and for all. The split lip with two small stitches keeping it together. The blood caked in her eyebrow, the bandage on her forehead. I’ve never wanted to kill someone so bad before.
She sits up a bit and cringes and my eyes fly to the doctor.
“You need to take it easy the next week or so, Mackenzie. Your body’s had a ton of trauma. You don’t want to hurt anything else.” She sets her clip board on the foot of the bed and I watch as she fluffs the pillows. “Can you lie back for me? I need to check your abdomen.”
My eyes go wide when the realization hits what she’s talking about. The doctor’s demeanor softens and I sit and watch as Mackenzie lies back, wincing from the pain too many times to count. Each time she shows how much pain she’s in is another reason on my list to kick Eric’s fucking ass all the way to China. Her hand tightens on mine and her eyes lock on me as the doctor pulls her gown up the slightest.
I don’t want to look. I don’t want this to be real. But when Mackenzie clenches her fist around mine and squeezes her eyes closed, I flick my gaze to her stomach and if I could explode, I fucking would.
I let out a puff of air and the doctor’s eyes hit mine sadly then she gives me a reassuring smile, soft and barely there, but she’s trying. I’ve never known doctors to have good bedside manner, and I should know with as much time as I’ve spent in hospitals.
As she pushes around Mackenzie cringes and squeezes my hand tighter but barely makes a sound. I look away, because I can’t stare at the bruising without wanting to storm out of here, and lean down, pressing my lips to her nose. A tear slips out of her closed eyes and I sigh, absolutely hating this feeling of helplessness.
The doctor finishes up and helps Mackenzie sit back up.
“Everything feels pretty normal. You’re going to be sore for a while. Just take it easy, okay?” she says, scribbling something down on the clip board.
Mackenzie nods and takes the papers handed to her and I take them from her. She’s out of it, and I don’t fucking blame her. While she’s probably sitting there blaming herself for all this, I’m sitting here on edge because I need to kick Eric’s ass at the same time I need to be here to help my girl get better. How can I clone myself?
“Do we need to make a checkup appointment?” I ask, shuffling through the papers. “Is this it?”
“That’s all you need. If any troubles arise or the bleeding doesn’t stop in seven to ten days, please get a hold of your general practitioner.” She smiles at Mack and rests her hand on her shoulder. “You’re going to be just fine,” she says, then walks out of the room.
Mack’s eyes hit mine and I shake my head.
“I’m so fucking happy you’re ok, Mackenzie. God, I love you.” I press my lips to her hand. She smiles softly then stands slowly.
“I ran home and got you some sweats,” Jules blurts, walking into the room. I can tell she’s a nervous wreck, but she’s holding it together for Mackenzie. “And a t-shirt.” She grins. “It’s stupid, but it works.” She tosses my Free Hugs shirt to Mackenzie and Mack takes it, and looks at me.
“Can I have some privacy please?” she whispers it so quietly I almost mistake her words but Jules clears her throat and grabs my elbow.
“We’ll be right outside the door.” She pulls me out into the hallway, as much as I don’t want to go, and I shoot Lincoln a text. The sun isn’t even up but if I know my brother he’s already awake and on his morning run before he goes home to the family, even in this fucking winter weather. Jealousy ebbs at me when I think about his family life, but I have to tamp it down.
Me: Not coming in to work today. I’ll call when I get home.
Step one is getting my girl comfortable.
Step two is finding Eric and finishing this once and for all.
“You comfortable?” I ask, making sure the pillows and blankets are perfect. I made her come home with me. I knew Jules could take care of her, but Jules has work at the bakery to get done and I don’t want Mackenzie being alone right now. She was silent the entire drive home. Her hand found mine almost immediately after getting into the car and yet she didn’t say a word to me.
She glances at me and nods.
“You don’t have to do this,” she finally says.
“I know.” I sit on the bed next to her. She looks at me and frowns.
“I’m sorry, Ford,” she whispers, then lies her head softly on my shoulder and wraps her arm around me.
“Please don’t, Mack. None of this is your fault. What’s important is that you’re okay.” I bring her chin up and press my lips to her nose gently. “Everything else…” I take a breath and lock eyes with hers. “We’ll get through this.”
She smiles and I lie back on the bed with her, fully clothed, and pull the covers up. Her body instinctively curls into mine and in minutes I hear her soft snores in the silence of the dark room.
As I lie here, unable to go to sleep but not wanting to get out of bed, my mind wanders to the future. Every scenario played out in my mind includes Mackenzie. Every single big event in my life, I see it with Mackenzie. I know she’s it for me and I know she feels the same way. Maybe it’s time I make this official.
About two hours after she fell asleep I finally get up. My phone’s been going crazy from the kitchen and I know Yellow’s gotta go outside. I’m able to slide my arm out from under her without waking her and head to the kitchen to let the dog out before grabbing my phone.
Every text is from my family.
Ma: What happened to Mackenzie? Is everything alright?
Dad: Ford, your mother’s worried. Please call her.
Lincoln: Dude, why are you not answering my calls?
Reag: If the rumor mill’s true, I plan on finding this Eric douche and kicking his ass.
I grin at the last one and sigh, making myself a cup of coffee and slipping on my coat and boots before heading out to the back porch. On my way a new text comes through.
Lincoln (Group Chat with Ma, Dad, Reag): We need a family meeting. Has anyone talked to Ford?
Reagan (and three others): Nope.
“Jesus Christ,” I mutter, swiping some snow off the chair and sitting down. Fuck this shit’s cold! I hit send and video call my mom before any more of them send me unnecessary freak out text messages. She answers immediately.
“Where are you?” She blurts, all I see on the camera is her ceiling. “Ford, Marie at the drug store told me about the other night.”
“Ma. Move the phone.” I roll my eyes when the floor comes into view.
“Ford, you know I can’t—” She shuffles it around and I hear my dad talking. No sooner than his voice comes through the phone, his face is shoved in the screen.
“Son? Why’re you outside?”
I can’t help but laugh at them. “Dad, seriously back off a bit. I can see your pores.”
He helps my mom adjust the camera and I see Reagan in the background, dying laughing at them.
“There. Now. Tell us what’s going on over there. Was Mackenzie in the hospital?” My mom looks at the camera and even through a small phone screen I’m still scared of the woman. She knows how to put the fear of God in someone with just one look.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call. Last night’s still kind of a blur.” I rub my eyes and let out a sigh. “I’m sure you’ve heard everything by now anyway, though. Do I really have to re-live it?”
My dad’s lips purse together and before my mom can speak up, the front door swings open behind them and I see Lincoln barging in.
“That Ford?” He grabs the camera. “Dude, the fuck? You’re going to be a dad! Why the fuck haven’t you told us yet!?” He’s beaming and I cringe.
“Was, big bro,” I mutter. “I was going to be a dad.”
His face falls and I hear my mom gasp.
“I tried telling you guys,” Reagan mutters in the background. I roll my eyes at all of them.
“Listen. Yes, I was going to be a dad and I was so fucking stoked…you guys don’t even understand. Last night, Eric…her ex…he got his hands on her. And his boots. Made a mess of her…” I shake my head, clearing my throat, and the phone screen wiggles back to my mom.
“The baby?” my mom’s eyes are so sad right now I hate myself for having her find out over the phone.
“Gone,” I manage through a thick throat.
“Is she okay?” Lincoln asks.
“She’s in bed sleeping now. He got her good, guys. I’ve never seen someone so bruised. Stitches in her lip. Bandages and blood…” I let out a heavy breath. “I don’t know what to do to make this better for her. For either of us.”
“You just be there for her.” My dad says and takes the phone from my mom. “That’s all you two can do. You have a support system in us, Ford. Use it.”
“Isn’t today December fourth?” I hear Reagan ask from behind him and I freeze as the phone goes silent.
“Seems it is,” I mutter, closing my eyes. I was so desperate to make sure Mackenzie’s okay and we’re ok…that I never took the time to even remember the significance of today’s date. “Fuck,” I say. What other bad shit can this day bring my way? Hell, I probably shouldn’t be thinking that. I don’t seem to have a lot of luck on December fourth.
“I’m sorry,” Reagan murmurs in the background.
“We’ve got you covered the rest of the week at work, Ford. You just…hang in there.” Lincoln’s tone has taken a one-hundred and eighty degree turn since the moment he walked in to this conversation and I hate it but appreciate it.
“Thanks, man.” I clear my throat, trying not to let the guilt eat away at me. I didn’t forget about Caroline but there’s a very living, very beautiful woman in my life now that needed my help. It doesn’t make me a bad person for not mourning this year like I have in the past. Right?
“I’m going to bring you guys some dinner for tonight.” My mom takes the phone back and again I’m met with her eyebrow instead of her entire face. I can’t help but laugh at her.
“You don’t have to do that mom,” I say. “We’re perfectly fine. I think we’re just going to rest and sleep the day away, anyway.” A shiver runs through me and Yellow’s scratching on the door to get inside. “It’s cold as hell out here,” I grumble, standing and heading inside.
“You let your mother bring you dinner, Ford. We’ll drop it by on our way to Church tonight.”
“Okay, fine,” I sigh. “You twisted my arm.” I smile as Mackenzie rounds the corner and heads for the coffee pot. “I gotta go Mom.”
“I love you, Ford,” she says and I chuckle.
“I love you, too.” Mackenzie’s eyes flit to mine and she grins as I hang up the phone and set it on the table. “Hey you.”
“I like how you still talk to your mom like you’re thirteen.” She’s grinning and trying not to laugh and right now she’s more beautiful than I’ve ever seen her.
“I like how even after a night like last night you’re still able to take my breath away with one goddamned smile.” The words fall from my lips as I make my way over to her and she blinks a few times before I pull her to me and wrap my arms around her. Her arms go around my waist and we stand there in silence for what feels like a lifetime.
“We’re going to be okay, right?” she asks, pushing against my chest.
“We’re going to be more than okay. I promise you.” I push my lips to the bandage on her head and watch as the snow starts to fall again. “This is just a hiccup, Mack.”
“Feels more like a stab wound,” she mutters.
“Thank God it wasn’t. I couldn’t lose you. I wouldn’t make it.”
She pulls back and looks up at me, sadness in her eyes.
“Don’t say that,” she whispers. “I need to know that even if something happens to me. Ever. That you’ll be okay.” Her eyebrows pull together and I smile softly, pushing the hair off her forehead and tucking it behind her ear.
“Nothing’s going to happen to you on my watch. Not anymore.”
She smiles softly at me and when she reaches for a coffee cup she winces and grabs her side.
“Go sit. I’m taking care of you today.” I pat her ass gently as she shuffles to the chair in the kitchen.
I’m going to try my hardest to make this okay, because I have to. We have to be okay.
“You sure you’re ready for this step?” Lincoln’s eyes trail over the selection the jeweler set in front of us and I nod.
“More than sure.”
It’s been almost three weeks since the accident took the baby from us and every day there’s a new light I see shining through the sadness that took over Mackenzie there for a bit. She moved in officially last weekend and I think that’s helped us a ton. I’m not letting her sit and wallow in sadness. I’m not giving her a chance to overthink things. We’re going to get through this.
It’s funny. A few months ago I would have turned to the bottle if something like this would have rattled me. But I haven’t even had the urge. My main focus has been my girl and getting her better.
“How much is this one?” I hand over one of the diamond rings I’ve had my eye on for weeks now and the jeweler takes the tag.
“Seven thousand for the engagement. Another two for the wedding band.” He looks at me over his tiny glasses and smirks like he thinks I’m not going to be able to afford it. Fuck him. This dude’s a douche, but he’s the only one working today and it’s gotta be today. I want to propose tonight and I know if I have the ring in my possession for any amount of time before the actual proposal I won’t have the self-control not to ask her early. And it has to be perfect.
Christmas Eve is pretty perfect.
“I’ll take it.” I smile wide and Lincoln’s eyes are about to bug out of his head. When the jeweler walks away, he nudges me pretty hard.
“Dude, that’s a ton of fucking money!” he whisper hisses. I grin at him.
“I’ve been saving a ton of fucking money just for something like this.” I beam at him. It’s not a total lie. I have been saving money, because honestly I’ve had nothing to spend it on. Now I do, and it’s a pretty damn good reason to spend it. “Only the best for Mack, Lincoln.”
He laughs and clasps my shoulder. “I’m proud of you, little brother. Last year this time I wasn’t sure if you were going to make it another year. But here you are,” he says, then sighs. “Buying an engagement ring more expensive than the one I got my wife. You’re going to make me look bad.”
I burst out a laugh. “I’m not a tightass,” I shrug.
“You also haven’t been raising a kid on your own for years. Those things cost a ton of money.”
I nod. “Yep. They do.” I stare blankly at the glass, trying not to think about the baby I could have had in a few more months.
I made Mackenzie a promise I wouldn’t hunt Eric down. It was a fucking stupid promise but she’s hurting and scared and I don’t want to give her anything else to worry about. That’s not saying if I ever ran into him I wouldn’t kick his ass and stab him in the dick, but I won’t go looking for trouble.
“Hell, I’m sorry…” he stammers. It’s easy for him to forget. A hell of a lot easier than it’s been for Mack and I. “It’ll happen.”
“It will.” I nod and am happy when the man walks back with the paperwork for the ring.
By the time we’re finished at the jewelers I can’t stop from grinning. With the bag in hand, I walk through my parents’ front door to find Mackenzie sitting on the oversized chair, laughing and talking to both our parents like nothing ever happened. It makes my heart swell seeing her like this. Without a care in the world.
I hide the bag in the guest bathroom before joining them in the living room.
Mackenzie’s parents came up a couple days ago to stay through the holidays. It’s the first year she hasn’t gone home for Christmas, but they were adamant that they come up for it and my parents were more than happy to invite them to our family’s shindig. We’re more of a Christmas Eve type of family. That way Christmas morning we can all sleep in and not have to worry about cooking or any of that busy shit that comes with the holiday. I’m sure we’ll all end up back over here tomorrow night though. It always happens. Mack has a huge wedding this weekend, so any down time for her is welcome anymore.
I’m just happy with how well our parents get along though it shouldn’t surprise me. We’re pretty lucky when it comes to the parental department of our lives.
“I think I’m gonna take a walk,” I tell Mackenzie as our parents head to the kitchen to start cleaning up from dinner. Wren and Lincoln have been in the back yard playing with Carter in the snow for a while now and Reagan left as soon as dinner was over. Something about a friend in town or something dumb. It’s just starting to snow again and if I time it right it’ll be perfect.
“Want me to come along?” she asks and I grin, because she’s playing right into my hand and doesn’t even know it.
“That’d be nice.” I lean in and kiss her lips gently. It sucked not being able to kiss her like I wanted to after the accident. The minute those stitches came out I haven’t been able to take my lips off her. Or my hands.
While she grabs her coat, I head to the bathroom to put the ring box in my pocket. My body’s so nervous right now I’m actually shaking. I know she loves me. I know she’s serious about this. We’ve never talked about marriage, but I know she wants it. I hope so, at least. I don’t know what I’ll do if she says no. Everyone back at the house is waiting for it. Everyone knows but her. If we come back from the walk and there’s no ring on her finger I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Her hand takes mine as we start to walk down the sidewalk. My parents live on a pretty street and in the wintertime the city puts up lights stringing from one light pole to another so the entire scene looks like one beautiful winter wonderland.
“I can’t believe how much it’s snowed this year,” she says as her eyes twinkle in the lights.
“It’s beautiful,” I whisper, meaning the sight in front of me and not necessarily the weather. She’s fucking gorgeous in her red winter hat and black coat. Snowflakes gather in her hair and she laughs when one lands on her nose.
We make it to the end of the block and I let out a sigh of relief when I see that the city didn’t leave anything out of its winter display this year. Twinkling snowflakes, lighted trees, and bright shining lights make this small park look more like it’s right out of a magazine than almost in my parents’ back yard.
We take a seat on the bench and her hand takes mine tight.
“I love you,” she says, her eyes finding mine.
“Forever?” I ask. It feels like my heart’s about to beat out of my chest and I really hope she can’t tell.
“Eh. I don’t know.” She makes a face and shrugs. “Maybe until a more awesome boyfriend comes around.” She smirks at me and bites her lip before laughing outloud. I know she’s joking, but I don’t want to miss this moment.
“I’m serious. Forever?” I slide the ring box out of my pocket and take a deep breath. Her hands fly to her mouth and her eyes go wide. “Because I’ll love you forever. And ever. Whether you say yes or no to this next question.” I crack open the box and the ring I just purchased hours ago shines brightly in the twinkling lights. She gasps and her eyes start to shine. “Mackenzie Mueller. You said we weren’t good for each other, but I knew you were wrong from the start and I hope I’ve proved it to you. You’re perfect for me, and I’ll work every day of the rest of our lives reminding you just how perfect I am for you.” She giggles and I let out a breath. “Please, Mack. Will you marry me?” I’m shaking so hard right now I’m worried I’ll drop the box. She squeals and her arms go around me almost knocking us both off the bench.
“Oh my God!” she cries.
“So that’s a yes?” I ask, laughing.
“That’s a hell fucking yes!” She shoves her hand at me and when I slip the ring onto her finger a weight lifts from my chest.
I kiss her like I need her to breathe before pulling back, smiling wide, and kissing her again. I can’t get enough of this girl. It’s crazy how one person who was once a complete stranger can mean so much in such a short amount of time, but that’s Mackenzie to me. Some people call us crazy for moving as fast as we did, but I knew I loved her before that first night together. Call me a sap, but love at first sight truly does exist.