“Just me?” Caroline asks, her legs twisting in mine as we lie in the hammock out back.
“Always and only you,” I murmur, my lips on her hand. “That’s a stupid question.”
“What if I die?” Her tone is curious but just the thought of losing her hurts me.
“Why would you want to talk about something so morbid?” I furrow my brows, unable to even think about a world without her in it. I couldn’t make it.
“Just curious. I mean…would you move on?”
“Caroline, I wouldn’t function in a world without you. You’re my life. You die, I die. Moving on isn’t an option,” I say. She sighs and curls into me as I wrap my arms tight around her. “Always and only you,” I whisper.
I jolt forward in bed, beads of sweat rolling down my forehead and out of breath. That’s the most real dream I’ve had in years. And it was terrifying. I roll out of bed, instinct bringing me to the fridge but there’s nothing in here anymore. Not after a month of being alcohol free. I grab my phone and before running out to get a drink to calm myself, because that’s how much that dream shook me, I shoot Mack a text. I’ve only had to do this a handful of times over the last month. The first week was the worst and she pretty much lived here that week. We’re down to just a couple times a week…but this dream was too close.
Me: Hey
Immediately my phone dings.
Mack: You ok?
Me: No.
Mack: Want me to come over?
Me: …yeah. And no. Don’t get out this late. Just talk to me. What’re you doing?
MACK: I’m almost done with this book and it’s awesome.
ME: Yeah? You should read some to me.
My phone rings shortly after my text is sent and I answer.
“Hi,” I say, lying flat on my bed and trying to regulate my heart rate.
“What happened?” she asks and I shake my head.
“Just read to me, ok? I just need to hear your voice.” Every time I try to close my eyes as Mackenzie starts reading, I see Caroline there. I feel her body wrapped around mine. I don’t even think that dream ever happened in real life. No one we ever knew had a hammock like that. But it felt so real.
Mackenzie’s voice soothes me. I couldn’t tell you what this book is about, but the fact that it’s midnight and she’s reading to me to calm me down is exactly what I need right now. This past month Mackenzie and I have grown closer than I ever thought she’d let us get, but I can’t say I hate it. Not one bit. Something about the way she handled the news about Caroline, and her willingness to help me out of this darkness that wraps itself around me every now and then makes me feel more for this girl than I thought humanly possible. Especially after only being together a little over a month.
“The end,” she whispers and the line goes silent as I stare at the ceiling. “Ford?”
Her tone’s so soft and sweet I wish there were four more chapters to listen to.
“Yeah?” I say finally.
“You okay?” I can tell she’s lying down in bed and I smile.
“I am. Thank you, Mackenzie.” I curl back into bed and the only thing missing is her right here next to me.
“I told you I’m here for you. We’ll get through this.”
“I owe you,” I mutter, my eyes growing heavy.
“Sleep, Ford.”
“Night, Mack,” I whisper, ending the call and falling asleep, much happier and peaceful than I was when I woke up.
My parents are heading out on their vacation today so as soon as we get them off and running I’m grabbing Mackenzie for a day date she’s not suspecting.
“You promise to check in with us?” My mom asks, worry tracing her face as she clings tight to Carter.
“We’ll all check in. You two have fun.” Lincoln takes Carter back and the kid wriggles his way out of his arms and takes off for the back yard.
“We’re going to make sure Reagan doesn’t burn the place down, Ma.” I grin at her and she slugs me in the arm.
“Mom. It’s fine. You and dad have never taken a trip for yourselves. Enjoy it, you deserve it. And don’t worry about us. We’re grown adults,” Reagan says, then eyes me. “Most of us, at least.”
“Har fucking har,” I chuckle then give my mom and dad a tight squeeze each. “Go. Shoo. Call or text when you guys find the boat.”
“We love you kids.” My mom hugs us all once more and my dad slides into the driver’s seat of their SUV.
“Love you Ma!” I scream louder than the other two, earning an eye roll from my mom. I grin and nudge Lincoln. “They love me more.”
“They have to. You’re the troublemaker.” He grins at me.
As the three of us watch our parents drive away for their first ever vacation without us, I realize just how much they’ve given up in their life to raise us. I’m a tiny bit jealous I’m not going with them. I’m sure I could’ve had a blast on that boat, but now that this thing with Mackenzie’s taken off I’m actually happy I’m not leaving her. She’s all I need.
“Big plans this weekend?” I ask Reagan as I drive her back to work. We all left work together to head over and see them off so I’m taking her back before dropping by and stealing Mackenzie.
“Nah.” She turns in her seat and looks at me. “How’re you doing?”
“In general?” I ask and she nods.
“Yeah. With everything…you know…”
She doesn’t want to say it but I’ve found it easier lately to talk about Caroline and that’s exactly what she’s talking about. The anniversary is coming up. Usually this time of year I’m starting my descent into the black hole and not trying to pull myself out. This year’s different, though.
“I’m good. I promise, little sis.” I park in front of West House and smile up at the massive, ornate, historical structure. “I’m going to be on this earth for a long ass time still. May as well be happy about it, right?”
She smiles and her hand rests on my arm.
“I’m happy for you, Ford. I really am.”
“Now get out. I have to go steal my girl from work. Call if you need anything.”
She laughs and heads into the back door of the boutique and I pull away from the curb, turning my car around and heading straight for the bakery.
On the way there I call Gram.
“Well hey stranger,” she says, laughing. “Your parents make it off okay?”
“Yep. They’ve officially left town for a week and a half.” I turn onto Main Street and sit in lunch time traffic. Perfect.
“That’s good. I’m happy for them.” She pauses. “Everything ok, Ford? You never call in the middle of the day.”
“Oh yeah, uh…so I’m going to be using your property today.”
“Okay. Make sure you drop in to say hi if I’m home. You know me and the girls go out on Friday afternoons.”
“I know, old woman,” I laugh, making her laugh. “No I mean… I’m taking her skydiving. And we’re dropping into the field. So I just wanted to warn you.” I’m smiling wide and can’t help the excitement coursing through me. She’s either going to lose her shit and be pissed or lose her shit and be excited. Either way, I’m stoked to throw a curveball at her.
“Just don’t get yourselves killed while your parents are away. They’ll never leave on another vacation again.”
“Funny. No one’s dying today,” I mutter, revving the engine and passing some douche canoe that doesn’t know how to park.
“Good. I’m going to grab a shower before the girls get here. Have fun now.”
“Love you, Grams,” I say, parking behind the bakery.
“Love you, turd.” She ends the call and I can’t help but shake my head and let out a chuckle. She’s called me that since I was four years old and it never gets old hearing her say it. I think now that I’m an adult it’s even funnier than when we were kids. That, and the fact that she didn’t nickname the other two grandkids…just me. Because I’m awesome.
I head into the back door of the bakery and was planning on sneaking up on Mackenzie and scaring her, but when I see the detail she’s putting onto the wedding cake she’s working on I change my plan. Instead, I lean against the wall, completely out of her view and out of her way, and watch like a creep.
She’s so patient, making the small swirls on a cake that’s already full of detail. This girl is talent on two legs. She’s focused and patient as she spins the cake on the stand every few seconds, continuing the pattern she’s making until she makes the full loop around.
When she pauses and sets her tools down, taking a step back and stretching her back out, I clear my throat. She spins quickly and her eyes are wide. On her face is blue and green icing, a puff of what I can only assume is flour, and her apron has a spattering of all different colors wiped on it.
“Hey there sexy,” I say, grinning at her. Pink color rises on her cheeks and her eyes are still wide. She’s hot as fuck all messed up like this. The bright pink headband keeping her hair from falling into her face and the no makeup look does her wonders. It’s not like the Mackenzie she’s showed me the past month. This is raw and real Mackenzie and I think, standing here in front of her as she worries that she’s not ‘done up’ for me, this is it. This is the girl.
I fucking love her.
I feel a pang of guilt, but that’s it. I know I have a lot ahead of me. Like December fourth, which is approaching rapidly, but I know having Mack in my life will help dramatically.
“I’m definitely not sexy today,” she says, huffing and putting her hands on her hips. “What’re you doing here? Don’t you have work?” Her eyebrows furrow and she’s so cute I can’t help but walk over to her and swipe some of the icing off her face.
“I left early. No meetings or parties this weekend. It’s a slow one, so I started it early.” I put my finger in my mouth and lick off the icing with her eyes on me. “Shit, Mack. That tasted even better off your skin.” I grin and she groans.
“I’m so gross, Ford. But I just finished this so that’s good!” I can tell from the look on her face how proud of her work she is so I make a point to get a good look at it.
“You have every reason in the world to be proud of this, Mackenzie. This is beautiful.” I’m not just saying it either. I’ve seen some ornate cakes come through the doors of the Banquet hall, but nothing like this. Nothing that looked like it was created with love and patience.
“Thank you,” she says.
“So are you done for the day?” I glance at my watch and realize I need to speed this up if we’re going to make it.
“I just have to clean a few things up but yeah.” She nods. “We didn’t have plans, did we?” Her eyes go wide and she looks so worried I have to laugh.
“Not really. But we do now. I just didn’t tell you. You think Jules can help you get this situated?” I don’t want to rush her…but I need to rush her.
“Probably,” she says. “Are you going to tell me where we’re going?”
She walks to the door that takes her to the front of the bakery.
“Nope. Let’s get a move on it, though.”
She laughs and gets Jules to come help and in minutes we’re out the door and Mackenzie’s too busy fussing with her hair to see me coming. I wrap my arms around her from behind as we walk to the car and she screams, then laughs as I lift her and tickle her sides.
“Stop!” she laughs. “I stink!”
“No such thing,” I murmur in to her neck as I press kisses to her soft skin. “I wanted to do that when I first walked in, but you were so focused on the cake I would’ve felt bad if I’d have made you ruin it.”
“Well, thank you,” she says. “I’m happy that’s finished.”
We get into the car and she buckles up then looks over at me as we spin out into traffic.
“So you gonna tell me yet?”
“Please don’t be mad,” I say, pulling onto the interstate.
“Why would I be mad?” She asks hesitantly and I grin at her. “Ford?”
“You know that one thing you said the other day that tops your bucket list?”
“Skydiving?” She blurts, eyebrows raised. “Are you taking me skydiving?!”
“That I am,” I say smugly.
“Oh my God!” she’s doing that shrieking thing she does when she gets excited and I can’t help but chuckle.
“Mack. You can’t make that noise in the plane, okay?”
“Oh my God, we’re jumping out of an airplane. Holy hell, I’m about to jump out of an airplane! How long until we’re there? Where are we jumping to? Who’s going to jump with us?” She’s rambling and cute as fuck.
“Whoa, whoa,” I laugh. “Calm those tits. I’ve done this so many times I’m practically an instructor myself. The guy I go to is awesome, and he’s letting us land on my Gram’s property.” I glance over at her excited face and my heart swells. If this is what it feels like to make her happy, then I don’t ever want to stop.
“This is so exciting!” She stretches across the console and plants a huge, wet kiss on my cheek and if I weren’t as excited as she is to get in that plane with her I’d pull this car over and fuck her right here on the side of the road.
“We’re jumping tandem, babe. First timer and all.” I glance at her and she smiles wide.
“So me and you? Together? Falling from a plane?”
“Yep.” I nod, my heart beating wildly for this girl.
We pull into the lot next to Javier’s plane and she squeals with excitement. The entire time he’s strapping her in, giving us directions, and showing her the ropes I’m soaking in her joy. I forgot what it feels like to be this happy. To make someone this happy.
She’s terrified when the plane takes off, and even my lips on hers, trying to hold her to me and calm her nerves aren’t helping, but she’s determined to actually go through with it. Watching her steel herself when that door opens when we hit eleven thousand feet makes me proud to call her mine.
“You ready?” I yell through the mic on my helmet. Her eyes go wide and her face shines brightly when she nods. I hook the proper clips to every single piece of her that I can, checking it probably twenty times making sure we’re all set. I’ve tandem jumped like this a dozen or more times in the past when Javier needed an instructor. I’ve even taken the course to get certified though I don’t use it very often, but I’m more nervous now than ever and I think it all has to do with the girl I’m taking down with me.
“Okay! Count of three!” I yell, eyeing Gram’s property.
Mackenzie starts to count, but before she can get to three we’re freefalling through the sky. Her hands on mine briefly before she remembers I have to use mine to pull the proper chords to bring us down safely. I let us free-fall for almost a full minute, enjoying the freeing moment even more spending it with her.
When the parachute opens and the wind catches it, we slow our descent and she’s laughing like a wild woman, my heart bursting with joy from making her this happy. I get five full minutes of coasting with her, taking in the scenery sure…but more so taking in her pure happiness and turning it into mine. She’s fucking perfect.
When our feet touch down and we’re finally back on earth, I manage to get her unhooked from me. She immediately spins and wraps her arms around me tightly.
“Oh my God, thank you,” she pants then pulls back and looks into my eyes. “That was perfect.” She’s beaming and as she presses her lips to mine I forget to walk out of the parachute so it doesn’t come down on us, so when it does and we’re sitting under the puff of the parachute and the light shining through casts a gorgeous color on her face it’s the only thing I can do. I kiss her again. Harder, this time. I kiss her because I’ve fallen in love with her and I don’t know how it happened.
Javier eventually meets us with the truck to bring us back to my car shortly after we get everything wrapped up. I want to stay here with her, but we have to get him his materials back and I’m starving. I make a mental note to bring her here one day, to this property. It’s been in the family for years and I know she’d love it.
I get a text from my parents at about seven, saying they’re just a few hours out from their stop for the night. I smile at the selfie my mom tries sending us, because it’s painful to look at but sweet at the same time.
“You want to grab some dinner?” I ask, holding her hand tightly and she grins over at me, biting her lip.
“I’m not too hungry for food right now,” she whispers. “But I do have other stuff in mind we could do.”
“Yeah?” I smirk. “Like?” Before she can answer I get a call from my sister and pull my phone out, answering it on speakerphone in the car. “What’s up little sis?” I immediately furrow my brows at all the noise and I notice Mackenzie do the same.
“I may have a problem!” she yells over the music.
“Spill,” I try not to growl but it comes out angry and Mack gives my hand a quick squeeze and a reassuring look.
“So a few friends found out Mom and Dad are gone,” she starts and I bust out in laughter, cutting her off.
“Are you having a fucking party, Reag?” I blurt and Mackenzie chuckles.
“I didn’t plan it!” she shrieks. “I didn’t want this, but they won’t go away! Make them go away, Ford! Mom and Dad are going to kill me!”
I laugh and glance over at Mackenzie, shaking my head. Turning the car around, I head for my parents’ house.
“We’ll be right there,” I say, ending the call and raising an eyebrow at Mack. “You up for a little party tonight?”
“Oh my God you’re not going to let it happen, are you?” She gasps, laughing at my expression.
“Of course I am. I made enough bad choices as a young adult. She needs her time to shine.” I wink and Mack laughs. “I mean, with me there at least it won’t get too crazy.”
She bursts out in laughter, her hand tight in mine and she sighs, chuckling.
“You going to call your brother?” She smirks when I laugh and she grabs my phone, hitting ‘send’ on his phone number before I can answer.
By the time we make it to the party the house is crammed with people. If my parents don’t find out about this it’ll be a miracle. I find Reagan in the corner, surrounded by three dudes, and reach through the sausage pack to grab her arm, pulling her away. Her eyes have that already drunk sheen to them and she giggles as I yank her to an empty bedroom.
“What the hell’s going on?” I’m trying not to yell, but this isn’t what I was expecting. Lincoln’s on his way over and he’s going to explode.
“You came!” she yells and Mackenzie walks into the room with a glass of water and some Tylenol. “Mack’s here! Oh I love you, Mack. I think Mack should be a part of the family. You two need babies. Lincoln needs more babies. Lord knows I’ll never be making babies if I can’t find someone who’s not a douche!” Her laughter screams through the air and I glance over at Mack and wince at the look on her face.
“Well you’re just three sheets to the wind,” I mutter. “How the hell did that happen so fast?”
“Shots! Mom and Dad’s liquor cabinet’s stocked!” She laughs. “Not anymore!”
“Oh my God,” I groan. Night one and my sister’s already fucking things up. I look over at Mackenzie and before I can say anything, Reagan pounces on the bed and curls into the pillows.
“I’ll stay with her,” Mackenzie whispers. “I’m just a few years older than this drunken stage right here,” she says, chuckling.
I nod, gritting my teeth. A couple months ago this was my life. Drink until I passed out. Every other night of the week it felt like. It feels weird being on the other end of that.
I step out of the bedroom and close the door behind me. As soon as the handle clicks shut Lincoln comes barreling down the hall.
“What the fuck’s going on here? What did you do?” he blurts, red faced. “This place is trashed. Mom and Dad aren’t ever going to leave again!”
The fact that we’re grown adults worrying about getting in trouble from our parents makes me laugh.
“I didn’t do shit, big bro,” I tell him, walking down the hall away from the room. “Shit got out of hand with the few people Reag had over, I guess.”
“Where is she?”
“Passed out so drunk she can barely remember her name.” I chuckle but Lincoln doesn’t find it funny. “Oh come on. You can’t honestly say you’ve never done something this stupid before…” I raise an eyebrow and he narrows his eyes at me. It’s a showdown between the older, more serious of the brothers and…well…me. The awesome one.
“We gotta get them out of here before they break some—” before he can finish his sentence we hear glass shattering in the kitchen. Running to the noise, there’s a group of kids probably no more than legal drinking age, all laughing at the shattered glass plate on the floor.
“Out!” Lincoln bellows the room goes silent. “Get the fuck out,” he growls, hands tight at his fists and all I can do is nod, staring at the shattered plate so I don’t start kicking asses. Don’t come into my family home and start breaking shit because you think it’s fucking funny.
The crowd grumbles but within fifteen minutes Lincoln and I have cleared the house out and all we’re left with is a mostly full keg and a massive disaster that needs cleaned.
“She’s not getting away that easily,” I mutter, glancing around. “I say we clean up the lawn, just so the neighbors don’t flip. But the inside’s all her.”
“Tomorrow,” he says. “Hungover and all. She’ll be cleaning this place spotless.”
“Let’s just hope Mom doesn’t miss that plate,” I mutter. “Fucking hipsters.” I swat as a mosquito buzzes around my ear. “Fucking millennials.” I pause and stand after shoving more trash in a trash bag and Lincoln’s grinning from ear to ear. “What?”
“You sound like the crankiest old man in town,” he says, laughing. “Seriously, Ford. Relax a little.” He pats my back. “Anyway. Technically, aren’t we all millenials?” He walks away and starts cleaning.
I take a long breath of fresh air and groan. I know what my problem is. I hate that it’s my problem but I know what it is. I puff out a breath and take a seat at the table on the patio. There’s a few mostly full beer cups sitting around me and all I want to do is grab them and down them. I miss it. I miss the taste of it. I miss what it did to me on nights like tonight. I should walk back into that room, take Mack home, and ignore this drama but I can’t. This is family.
“I haven’t had a beer in a month,” I tell Lincoln who’s made his way to the table with me.
“Really?” He nods and his face softens a bit. “Nice little brother. I’m proud of you.”
I pick at the paint on the patio table, angry at myself for wanting a drink so bad tonight.
“Not a drop of anything. Not once.” I shake my head, letting out a chuckle. “I haven’t needed it, you know? I have Mackenzie. She’s what I need.” I find Lincoln’s gaze and shake my head.
“You want one tonight, don’t you?” he asks and I nod.
“So fucking bad. That keg’s not even halfway gone, Linc. And staring at the shit they did to this place? It’s trashed. It hurts my heart, and I’m so used to picking up the bottle when things make me sad or piss me off like this.”
“You can head out if you need to, Ford.”
“Nah, I’ll be fine.” I can’t tear my eyes from the cups on the table. Screaming at me.
“I’m proud of you, Ford.” He stands. “You’ve been through hell. But I think you’re finally coming out of it.” He pats my shoulder and heads inside. I sit there, staring at the cup of beer, and when a light inside turns off I sigh, reaching out and grab the cup, downing the now room temperature liquid. Even in its less than desirable state it tastes good.
The cup crunches in my hand and I stare at it. Did that help? Was it worth it? Shit.
What the hell did I just do?
“Ford?” Mackenzie whispers from the patio door and I spin in my seat, her eyes blinking a few times when they land on the cup in my hands. “Time to go,” she whispers, unable to look away from my hand.
She fucking saw. She had to. And now I feel like a fucking moron.
“Mackenzie—” I start but she holds her hand up, shaking her head.
“Come on. I’m driving.”
She holds her hands out for the keys and the entire drive home she’s silent. Each passing car illuminates her features and they’re not happy. I want her happy again. I want her happy like earlier. I hate my sister for tonight. If I wouldn’t have gone there I wouldn’t have had that temptation.
“Will you stay tonight?” I whisper, gripping her hand in mine when she finally releases it from the steering wheel in the driveway. “Please, Mack.”
Her eyes look so sad and I break for her, because I’m the one that put that look on her face.
“In one day you’ve made me so happy, and so sad, Ford,” she whispers.
“Please come in, Mackenzie,” I manage. I want to scream. I want to hit things. I want more alcohol and I’m scared if she leaves that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
She nods and opens the car door, slipping out without saying anything and walking to my front door. I meet her there and she locks the car before unlocking the front door.
“Hey,” I say, stopping her from walking away from me and gripping her hand in mine. “I…” I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry? I failed you? I’m an idiot?
“Why’d you do it?” she asks, looking down at where our hands are connected. Her breaths slow and steady but the look on her face says she’s anything but calm.
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I have no self-control. My parents’ house was trashed and I take responsibility for my little sister’s shitty decisions. I was angry.”
“Ford, I was just down the hall.” Her eyes move to mine and she shakes her head. “How many other times have there been? I thought you were doing so well…”
“None. I promise you,” I blurt, cursing. “I’m sorry, Mackenzie. The minute it went down I wondered what the hell I was doing. I didn’t need it. Just wanted it; wanted the taste… The only thing it did was set me back.” I run my hand through my hair, trying not to get too worked up over this. I don’t typically let myself feel like a failure, but right now I’m feeling way too low on myself because I did fail. I failed me. I failed her. I failed my fucking brother that I just fucking told I’m free from that shit.
“Why didn’t you just come get me?” She’s so sad, and she has every right to be. Every time over the last month I’ve thought about drinking, she’s been the person I’ve gone to. It’s worked surprisingly well, and I think that’s why this hurts her so much. Because not only did I fail, she’s feeling like she failed me. It’s written all over her face.
“I don’t know.” I mutter the words like a scorned child and before I know what’s happening, her arms are wrapped around me tight. “What’re you doing?” I murmur in to her shoulder. My hands instinctively go around her, sliding up and under her shirt and pulling her to me. She feels so right and I hate myself for hurting her.
“You’ll get there, Ford,” she whispers. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you out there alone.”
“This isn’t your fault, Mack, fuck,” I huff, pulling back from her. “It’s all on me. I’m a grown man. I know if I want to kick it, I need to stop thinking alcohol is the key.” I cup her face in my hands and look at her. She’s locked on to my eyes, seeing well past the coloring and straight into my damn soul. I’ve never said those words out loud. I’ve barely thought them. But they’re the truth. I know if I want to become the man I need to be, I need to stop thinking alcohol will do anything good for me.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to have a casual beer at a party or with my family at a BBQ, but for now it’s all hands off. Water, tea, lemonade. Hell, sparkling water as pansy as it sounds is amazing. I don’t need the vice anymore as a vice, and until I can handle it in small proportions, I don’t need it at all.
“We’ll get through this,” she whispers, bringing her hand up to rest on top of mine. “Can we go to bed? I’m exhausted.”
I nod, the beauty in those words is more than she’ll ever know. My thumb swipes over her lower lip and I smirk.
“Will you stay with me?” I whisper, eyes on her lips.
“Absolutely.”
I help her strip her layers when we get to the bedroom, letting them fall to the floor. I kiss my way up her shoulder and hold her tight to me, wrapping my tired limbs around her.
“I sleep a lot better with you here.” I press a kiss to the back of her neck and she sighs.
“Me too,” she whispers, nuzzling back into me.
I love this girl. I’m in love with her and I’m no longer afraid to be.
Now I’m just afraid to tell her.