He lies on my belly, ear pressed against my skin while I run my fingers through his hair.
“It’s a boy.”
Duncan looks up at me, and he beams me the most joyous smile. “Really?”
“Yeah,” I say, laughing. “I found out a while ago.”
“Wow,” he breathes, running a warm hand over my belly. “A boy.”
“Yeah.”
“You thought about what to name him?”
“I was thinking Thom… with an ‘h’. What do you think?”
“I like it, Dee.”
He starts moving his ear around my belly.
“What are you doing?” I ask. “I don’t think the baby has started kicking yet. At least, I haven’t felt it.”
“You’re at about twenty-weeks, right?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“I read that sometimes you can feel the baby as early as thirteen weeks. The article said that you’re more likely to notice it if you’ve been pregnant before.”
“You been reading what it’s like to be a pregnant woman?”
He nods. “Yeah, a bit here and there the last few weeks.”
“Well I haven’t felt a kick or even a movement yet.”
He presses his ear harder against my belly, and suddenly I wish I could do that, too.
“What do you hear?”
“Squelching.”
“Squelching?” I cry, slapping his head. “It doesn’t sound that disgusting.”
“Sounds liquid.”
“That’s the amniotic fluid.”
“I’m listening for his heartbeat.”
“You won’t hear it this early. I can’t even hear it through the fetal stethoscope.”
“Turn over,” he says, getting up and rolling me onto my side.
“What?”
He presses his ear to the small of my back, right next to my spine. “I read sometimes you can hear it from this position.”
A few moments pass, and he sighs. “No, nothing.”
“Try the stethoscope,” I say. “It’s in the drawer.”
He stretches, opens the drawer and then pulls it out and places the diaphragm against my back.
“I just hear liquid sloshing. Sometimes there’s a dull thud, I guess that could be Thom moving?”
“Could be,” I say. “I hear thuds sometimes through that.”
He sidles up the bed with me and holds me from behind, his hand on my belly, rubbing it.
“I wish I was there when you found out it was a boy.”
I hold onto his hand, interlock my fingers with his.
“Do you want to see the ultrasound picture?”
“Of course I do.”
I reach over to the bedside table, ruffle through some papers until I find the envelope. I open it, and slip out the small, post-card sized picture.
“Here,” I say, handing it to him.
“I,” Duncan begins, before his voice trails off. He turns it around, then back around, and then finally admits to not knowing what he’s seeing.
“Here’s the head,” I say gently, tracing it with my finger. “See? Thom’s little nose?”
“Yeah,” he breathes. “I see it now.” His lips pull into a broad beaming smile that makes me feel a pang in my gut.
“That’s our son, Dee.” His hands are shaking a little, and so I hold them in mine.
“That’s our son.”
“The doctor could tell it was a boy from this?”
“Here,” I say. “That’s his penis.”
Duncan frowns. “Really?”
“That’s what the doctor said.”
“It doesn’t look like one.”
He stares at the picture for a while, tracing the outline with the tip of his finger, utterly mesmerized.
“Are you mad at me? Honestly?”
Duncan sighs. “Yes, but no. It’s… I don’t know. How can I be mad at you? You did what you thought was right. You were trying to protect our baby.”
“And you,” I say.
“And me.”
“But you’re still mad about something. I can feel it, Duncan.”
“I’m mad I’ve missed this much.”
“Do you blame me?”
“I wanted to,” he tells me. The truth hurts, but I didn’t expect a different answer. “But the more I thought about it, the more I trusted that you had a reason.”
“But it bothers you.”
“Dee,” he says, leaning up onto an elbow and looking down at me. “Every day of my life I look forward. It was no different when I met you, and it’s no different now. I’m here with you now, and I’m not letting you go again. I’m just looking forward.”
“You can’t just bury your feelings.”
“I’m not burying anything. I’ll work it out. We’ll talk, don’t worry. It’s just… I can’t just open all the doors and windows now, you know? I’ve kept it all shut. I’m not good at putting this shit into words.”
“How did you find me, anyway?”
“I contacted my fans.”
I blink. “What?”
“Some of them are magic with computers. They found out that you’d boarded a flight to Hong Kong, so I followed the next flight I could get out.”
“You were in Hong Kong? When?”
“Two days after you left.”
“Gosh, I was still there.”
“I went to see the man you got your new passport from.”
“He told you? That bastard. He warned me he’d talk, said he’d only do it to save his own skin.”
“He didn’t at first,” Duncan says. “I had to make him.”
“Was it bad?”
He sighs. “Yeah.”
I nod, suck on my upper lip. “So what happened after Hong Kong?”
“I learned you came to Australia, but the guys who I had searching for you online couldn’t get the flight records this time. So, I went to Sydney first. I figured you’d go there.”
“I thought about it,” I whisper.
“Thought you’d try to get to a big city, so it was a toss-up between here and there. I picked there and you went here.”
“Then what?”
“One of my guys got a photograph of you through an ATM camera. He had some kind of algorithm running, searching through all the branches one by one. Everybody has to visit an ATM at some point, so it was only a matter of time. I figured out you were in Melbourne, came here, and started looking at the schools.”
“But how did you know? I could have started waitressing or something.”
“Figured you’d chase your dream, first. I mean, you needed something good after leaving everything behind. Plus there was a message board post from a Caroline Sax that my guy dug up. So I just sat on schools, just watched from my car. Most of them didn’t keep updated staff records on their websites.”
I frown. “That’s dangerous.”
“I know, but what else was I going to do? I didn’t like doing it either.”
“So how long have you been here?”
“Almost a month.”
“A month,” I echo quietly. “God.”
“You know what the hardest thing was, Dee? The thought that I might overtake you on the road. Or that I might be walking down the aisle of a supermarket with you on the other side of the shelves. Or that I might be walking down the street, turn around at a sound, and then you’d sweep right past me, and…”
His voice trails off.
“Fuck all of that,” he growls.
I hold him against me, rub the back of his head. “I thought about contacting you back home,” I say. “But I knew Dad would be listening, too.”
“He was,” Duncan says. “For sure. I ditched my phone straight away. I told him not to follow me, but I was sure I was being tailed when I drove to the airport. I had to leave your mother’s car somewhere else, duck through some alleys to lose them, and catch a cab the rest of the way.”
“You took the car?”
“I didn’t part with Glass on good terms.”
“What happened?”
“I found out you were pregnant.”
I grit my teeth together. That’s not how I would have wanted him to find out… from fucking Dad.
We lie together in silence for a while, our bodies connected. Eventually, I sigh. I have to say it. There’s no point avoiding it.
“If you found me, then Dad will, too. It’s only a matter of time.”
“I agree,” he says.
“He won’t stop.”
“So, we need to be ready. What?” he asks, reading the look on my face. “Yes, we. I’m not fucking letting you go again, Dee. How much money do you have?”
“I took some from Dad’s safe,” I say. I don’t much like that I stole money, but it was the only way. “But most of that is gone.”
“Then we need money.”
“I’m working part-time at the moment.”
“It’s not enough, Dee. We need an emergency fund, something that will buy us a quick exit.”
“I don’t want to run anymore. I’m tired, and I’m pregnant. It’s already difficult physically for me, and it’s only going to get harder.”
“I don’t want to run, either, but if your Dad is coming, he’s coming with muscle.”
“Frank.”
“Maybe more. So if worst comes to worst, we have to be able to at least afford to leave. That means cash. I can’t withdraw money, he’ll trace it here. So, I’ll fight.”
I lean up, rest my head on my elbow. “What, underground?”
“There’s got to be a gig somewhere.”
“Duncan,” I say softly, not knowing how exactly to broach it. “You’re not in fighting shape anymore. You’ve lost weight, you’re thinner now. You melted through all your muscle once you stopped training. I know you’ve stopped.”
“I know,” he says, licking his lips. “But I won’t be coming up against seasoned guys.”
“How do you know?”
“Come on.”
“Come on, what? How do you know you won’t face somebody who just wants to clean up with easy opponents? Somebody just like you, with experience? If you’re thinking about doing it, isn’t it possible others are? It’s not just going to be inexperienced boys looking for their moment of dirty glory.”
“Can you think of a faster way?” he asks me. “Because if you can, let’s do that.”
I shake my head slowly. “No, I can’t.”
“Then I’m fucking doing it. We need the money. Just in case.”
“Yeah but what use is it to me if you get hurt?”
“I won’t.”
I think about it. It really is the best option we have, and I know he’s dead-set on doing it. I’m not going to be able to change his mind.
“Then I’ll be with you there at the fight,” I say.
“Good, because I’ll need you there.”
“Did you beat Manic? In the end?”
He sighs. “Yeah, just. I looked for you after… I… I just knew something was wrong. We’re going to need something else, Dee. We’re going to need a way to protect ourselves.”
“What are you talking about?”
“We just need resources. Now I need to know since you know him better than me. Are you sure Glass is coming?”
I nod. “Want to hear something scary?”
“Shoot.”
“Last night, I got a text message from my email provider telling me someone had tried to re-open my account. I shut it down when I left. Dad’s looking online for me, now. If that’s how you found me, that’s how he’s going to find me.”
“Can we move?”
“Where?”
“Into the country.”
“And do what? It’s easier to hide in a city.”
“Okay,” Duncan breathes. “So he’s coming, and we have to be ready. We need a plan. I know a guy here, somebody who may be able to help us.”
“A guy?”
“A fighter. I’ll ask him for help.”
I pinch my brow together in confusion. “How’s he going to help?”
“That’s what I’m going to find out. I don’t want to get him involved, but I don’t see it as us having much choice. Any help we can get, we take.”
“Who is this guy, anyway?”
“He used to fight underground here. Stopped a while ago, I think he got tied up with the mob and had to retire.”
“Is he a good guy?”
Duncan nods. “I think so. His name’s Fletcher. We used to email back and forth, talk strategy. Fighter’s stick up for each other, Dee. I think he can be trusted.”
“Are you sure?”
“No, but I will be in a bit.”
“Okay,” I whisper. Then, I remember. “Oh, damn it, I was meant to go grocery shopping after feeding Lisa and Tammy.”
“You named stray dogs?”
I nod, defiant. “So what if I did? I thought about taking them home once or twice, but I knew I’d never be able to afford all the vet’s fees. Also, they don’t allow dogs in this building.”
“What do you need?”
“For what?”
“Groceries.”
“Just something for dinner. Why, are you going out?”
“I have no clothes, Dee. I’ll go by my place, pick some up, then do the shopping.”
“No, don’t worry about that, I’ve got some tinned spagh—”
“Damn it, Dee, don’t eat that crap. Not now, not with… Thom. I’ll go, it’s no trouble. I’ll talk to Fletcher as well, see what he says.”
“Will you be long?”
“No. Be fast as I can. Trust me, I don’t want to leave you.”
“Why? Think that when you get back I’ll be gone?”
“I don’t think that’s what is going to happen,” he says, his face crunching up for a moment as if he’s struggling to find the words for what he wants to say. “But it’s a nightmare that plays in the background.”
“I’ll be here.”
“You better fucking be here,” he says, getting out of bed. “Because I’ll never stop looking for you.”
“I wasn’t running from you.”
“I know.”
I watch him as he gets dressed, and I fold a robe around myself, take him through the apartment.
“One last thing, Dee,” he says at the door.
“What?”
“If you haven’t yet, forgive yourself.”
I suck on my upper lip, whisper, “Hurry back, okay?”