Kayden said there were things I didn’t know about him. I never thought alcoholism would be one. The signs were there. He always had a drink in his hand, and there was never a day totally alcohol-free when we were together. I always ended up drunk or buzzed, while he remained unfazed.

I loved Kayden, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit my emotions were mixed with the knowledge of his alcohol abuse. How could I walk away from him? I could not even go a night without talking to him. When he was clean and working, I adored the man. How did I not know this about him?

Could I deal with a man who had a drinking problem? Someone who went to the bottle and buried his head instead of fighting for what he wanted? I didn’t want that life for myself. My mom had three traits she warned me against constantly: don’t marry a drug addict, a cheater, or a drinker. While I didn’t always want to listen to my mom, and often rebelled against her advice, in the end, she was usually right.

Kayden promised me he would try not to drink so much, but who was I fucking kidding? An addict can’t just stop with a mere promise. His drinking started again, possibly before the wheels of my plane touched the tarmac. He had no chance of staying sober since drinking was the norm among the guys. I saw the bottles lined up on the counter: tequila, vodka, rum, and whiskey. They were the only form of decoration. The temptation too great for him to deny. I had a choice to make.

The Kayden I knew and loved had disappeared.

In his place, there was a man consumed with despair, often missing from my day. Time ticked away. I filled my days as I had before, immersing myself in books and my work. Each day, I prayed for normalcy. It had been established the day he entered my world, invaded it, more accurately, and now there was a hole where he used to be.

Me: Ready to Skype, sweetness?

Kayden: I think I’m dying.

I sighed. The everyday drama exhausted me.

Me: Huh?

Me: You okay?

No response. Fucking asshole. I’m dying aren’t the last words you want to hear from someone before they disappear. My heart sank, and I felt physically ill. Our talks and seeing him online each evening used to be the best part of my day, and now everything had changed.

As much as my life had shifted the day I met him, it had spun on its axis again, and everything seemed to be unraveling. He wrecked me. Not a quick stab to the heart, but a slow dissection with a dull, rusty blade.

I drowned my sorrows in the lives of my favorite fictional characters and tried to lose myself in their blissful lives, but Kayden never strayed from my thoughts. Kayden would emerge when his self-induced coma wore off sometime tomorrow. Mental and physical exhaustion took over and allowed me to dream of the love I was missing.

* * *

My phone chirped, and I wanted to ignore him, but I couldn’t. The pull was too strong.

Kayden: Are you mad at me?

He left me hanging, worried and stressed, and I wanted to punch him in the face and I wasn’t a violent person.

Me: More than I can explain right now.

Kayden: I’m sorry.

I knew he meant those words, but my anger drove my words.

Me: You’re always sorry, Kayden, but you aren’t doing anything about it.

Kayden: What do you want me to do?

I clenched my jaw, wanting to scream, but I held it in.

Me: Come up with a plan, something besides getting lost in a bottle.

Kayden: If I don’t get my job back, then I’m coming to you, Sophia.

Didn’t he want to be with me? I didn’t want to be a last resort. My heart fractured a little deeper. My love for this man had eclipsed anything I’d ever felt before for anyone.

Me: You’re going to get it back. I just know it.

Kayden: It’s highly unlikely. I’m fucking losing my mind here, Sophia… I can’t do this anymore.

Me: What?

Kayden: I can’t be without you anymore. I won’t do it. I’m going to lean on you, Sophia. I need your light to pull me out of the darkness.

Me: I want you to lean on me, confide in me, but you’ve leaned on Jack for weeks. I’m afraid I’d be just another crutch. I remember something you said to me once—we all fall sometimes in life, Sophia. It’s more important how we recover.

Kayden: I don’t know how to recover. I’m used to leaning on the bottle. It’s been my only friend at times.

My limit reached, I lashed out at him.

Me: I can’t do this anymore, Kayden. You aren’t thinking of what this is doing to me. When you get yourself straight, come back to me.

Kayden: You’re breaking up with me?

Me: If it gets you clean, then yes.

Kayden: Fuck off, then.

There it was. I was harsh with my words, but I didn’t know what else to say to him. I had tried to be the understanding and loving girlfriend. I tried to be supportive and help keep his spirits hopeful. None of it worked. Maybe he needed to get pissed off at me, scared a bit. He needed to fight for something, anything…for me.

Me: Really? You don’t choose me? Guess that’s that. I’ll fuck off, Kayden. Thanks for showing me what love could be, should be…even if only for a moment. Hope you find peace and happiness someday, just make sure it’s not with Lisa.

Kayden: WTF with Lisa?

I knew the Lisa comment would catch his attention. God, this man brought out the shitty side of me. The one that wanted to fight. That wanted him to fight. No longer was I the meek and mild librarian, I was ready to throw down and cut a bitch for what I thought was worth fighting for.

Me: Whoever you are with in the future. Make sure it’s not her. She made you miserable for too long.

Kayden: I’m completely happy with you, Sophia. I’m just not happy with me.

I’d do anything for this man. I needed him to understand that, to feel it.

Me: It’s no excuse. You’re making sure to push me the fuck away, aren’t you?

Kayden: You’re really breaking up with me?

My words were hollow, but I hoped it caused his heart to stop for a moment. I couldn’t imagine my life without Kayden, his passion and love. Didn’t he just tell me to fuck off? Having a conversation with a drunk was so futile. They spoke without thinking and then had amnesia within a few minutes. Why did I even bother?

Me: You told me to fuck off.

Kayden: I did, and I’m sorry. Can we start the day over? I love you, Sophia. I’ll do better, try harder.

Me: Call me when you wake up and can talk to me, Kayden. I need to hear your voice today.

I placed my phone next to my pillow, wishing for sleep to take me. My eyes flew open with a chirp that I couldn’t ignore. Kayden had sent me a song, and my heart thumped as I hit play. filled the air. I listened carefully to the words, and they wrapped around me, stealing my breath.