I rushed back to my car, fumbled with the seatbelt, and pulled out of the parking spot without even checking for traffic first. I made my way back to the highway and got on the north ramp. Next thing I knew, I had flown past the exit for my motel. I just kept driving and gaining speed. Up ahead, I noticed a sign that said Paso Robles forty-three miles, Salinas one-hundred thirty-nine miles and Palo Alto two-hundred thirteen miles. The words Palo Alto stared me in the face as they got closer and closer. I was on the road that would take me right back. I was driving over eighty miles an hour and the sign was getting close fast. Before it got too close, I merged my way across the highway, without signaling, cutting off the cars behind me. I ignored the sound of angry horns and just barely made it to the last exit for Pismo Beach.

After a few turns on side roads, I was back at the same lookout spot as earlier that morning. I pulled into the parking lot, got out and walked toward a patch of wildflowers at the edge of the cliff.

Without hesitation I flung my engagement ring into the ocean.

I watched as it fell through the air before eventually hitting the water and disappearing from my life forever.

My engagement ring didn’t symbolize love, and I wondered if it ever had. It was nothing but a symbol of a broken, loveless marriage that was built on betrayal and lies. There was nothing in that marriage worth going back to, nothing worth holding on to. I was always so sure I was happy with Matt, but I began to wonder if I even knew what real happiness felt like.

I could have sold the ring, sure, and I would have gotten a lot of money for it. But that money would have been tainted, and it would have tainted the new life I was determined to start here in Pismo Beach. I wanted nothing to do with Matt, the ring, or his money. I didn’t need any of it.

It really was the day I would start a new life. My own life. A life built completely by me. On my own.

I didn’t need or want anyone’s help. I felt a sense of determination I’d never felt before. I was nervous, but it was an excited nervous. I knew I meant it, and for the first time I believed I could do it. I had been given a blank slate, and I thanked God for it. Feeling energized, I turned on the spot and ran back to my car. My foot caught in the roots of the wildflowers and before I knew it, I was midair and going down fast. My hands broke my fall, and I burst into laughter. I stood up and brushed the dirt off my hands and knees while I looked around to see if anyone had witnessed my clumsiness.

Thankfully, I was alone.

I took my minor stumble as another message from God, saying that maybe the best way to my new life was at a slower, steady pace. I chuckled again and walked back to my car, fastened my seatbelt, checked all my mirrors, and headed back to town.

I came to a stop sign at the intersection the café was on. While I checked left and right to make sure I could proceed, a Help Wanted sign in the café window caught my eye. I couldn’t believe it. I crossed the intersection and pulled into a parking spot across the street, got out, and walked through the front door.

“Hey hun, did you forget something?” Sandra said from across the busy restaurant.

She seemed happy to see me again. She was walking back to the kitchen with her arms full of dirty dishes and a notepad of new orders. A bunch of new customers waited at the entrance for a clean table.

“Sandra, you guys are hiring?” I asked timidly as I walked toward her. “Oh my God, you’re hired. Can you start right now?”

She laughed like she was joking, but I could tell she was serious.

“I could start right now, but I have to be honest, I have zero experience. Like, none.”

“Do you know how to take dirty dishes off a table and put them in a bucket?”

“I think I could figure it out.”

“Well, what are you waiting for, girl?”

She tossed me an apron.

“You’ll pick up the rest as you go.” I caught the apron and couldn’t believe it.

Did I actually just get my first job?

It was all happening. I tied the apron behind my back, grabbed a dish bucket and cloth, and headed out to start clearing tables. I would never have pictured myself so happy to be getting my hands dirty in other people’s food scraps, but there I was, smiling from ear to ear.

The day flew by. Sandra and I made an amazing team. It was crazy and hectic, but so much fun. Even though she was swamped, she really helped me learn the ropes and was so patient. Near the end of the day, she even encouraged me to take a few orders. My feet were aching, but I felt great.

Sandra walked to the front door, locked it, flipped the sign to closed, leaned back against door, and let out a huge sigh of relief.

“We did it, Meadow, and you were amazing. You did great. Thank you for saving the day.” I laughed nervously.

“Oh, you know me. Saving the day’s my speciality.”

She laughed.

I was never much good at taking compliments, but her words meant the world to me. I’d never been told I was good at a job before. I smiled bashfully and picked up a cloth.

“So what should I do first to start closing?” I wanted Sandra to know she wouldn’t regret giving me the job. I wanted to prove I was hardworking and competent.

“Oh, cleaning up can wait a few minutes. We deserve a break. Have a seat.” She put two coffee mugs on the counter in front of me. She then bent down and popped back up with a chilled bottle of white wine and a sly smile on her face. “Wait. Uh oh. Why did you make that face? Don’t you like wine?” Sandra must have caught me cringing when I saw the bottle. I guess it had become an automatic reaction for me.

“Oh. Well. I used to love wine, but I’ve avoided it like the plague recently.”

“Ha, did you party a little too hard? I had to take a serious break from Vodka after a night out gave me the worst three-day hangover of my life. I couldn’t even come close to the stuff for months,” she said, filling our mugs with wine anyway.

“No. Worse. Remember earlier when I was causing a scene with all my crying?”

“Vaguely,” she replied with a friendly wink. “And how I mentioned I had a cheating husband?” “Yup. That ass,” she said, coming around the counter to sit next to me.

“Well, the last time I caught him cheating, it turned out to be more than just a random one night stand. He was having a full blown affair with a woman from out of the city. For two years.” “Ouch. How did you find out? And what does this have to do with wine?”

“I started to notice that his work trips were a lot more frequent and longer than usual. He was never home. It got to the point that I was feeling like I was always alone. Just the thought of him cheating on me again was too much. I ignored it for a long time, but it eventually became impossible to ignore.”

“So you confronted him?”

“Not quite, but one day, very early in the morning, before the sun was even up, Matt came into our room to kiss me goodbye before leaving on yet another work trip. I offered to give him a ride to the airport so we could spend more time together, but he declined. He said he didn’t have enough time to wait for me to get ready.”

“But you were feeling suspicious?” “Damn right I was. The second I heard the garage door opening, I threw off the covers and was already dressed with my hair and makeup done. I got in my car and followed him as he drove away. I’m not proud that I became that type of woman, but he gave me no choice.”

“Of course. You had to know what was going on.” “I stayed a few cars behind him on the highway, as he drove past all the exits for the airport. I felt sick Sandra, so sick. He never went to the airport, he drove out to the valley. I followed him all the way there, then parked a safe distance from his car once he finally stopped. I watched as this gorgeous woman walked out to meet him.”

“Oh, God,” Sandra said, taking a sip of her wine. “Matt got out of the car, gave her a kiss, opened the door for her, and they drove off. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle seeing my husband treating another woman like that. Never in my life did Matt open a car door for me. I had seen enough and I drove back home.”

“That’s awful. Did you call him on it when he got home? I would have had all his stuff burning on the front lawn. What did you do?” “Nothing. I couldn’t. If I said something, he’d know I followed him. Plus if I acknowledged it, it would have become real. At least, that was my logic at the time. I always denied to myself what was happening, but this one got the best of me. I got snoopy. I checked his texts and read their emails. That’s when I realized it was a full blown, emotional affair. There was never any mention of me, his wife. She didn’t even know I existed. This woman was in love with him, and he was in love with her. He was living a double life and I just wanted to die.”

“Meadow! He’s sick. I’m so sorry.” “I became obsessed with her. I creeped her online constantly. Her name was Lacey. I wanted to know why Lacey was so much better than me. What did she have that I didn’t? It hurt like hell, but I needed to understand why Matt was choosing to spend his time with her, and not me. I did so much digging that eventually I found out she owned a wine business with another woman in the valley.”

“I see,” Sandra said, motioning toward the wine.

“One day, it was like I became possessed. I felt like I had no control over my thoughts or actions. Next thing I knew, I had driven back to the valley and I was in the parking lot of her business.”

“You didn’t!” “I did!” “Did you go in? Did you call her out? Did you give her a piece of your mind?”

“I didn’t. I just went in to buy wine. I wanted to see her up close. I wanted to look her in the eye. I wanted to see what was so great about her. The worst part was that she seemed great. She was friendly, helpful and beautiful. I instantly regretted that I was there. I took the first bottle of wine that she recommended and got the hell out.”

“That’s awful, Meadow.” “I felt numb, Sandra. In a sudden fit of rage, I threw the bottle of wine against a dumpster and screamed. I got back in my car and burst into tears. I drove around the block, out of sight, and that’s where I sat for hours, crying.”

“Well now I completely understand your aversion to wine.”

“That wasn’t even the final straw.”

“It gets worse?” “Eventually, there was a weekend that Matt actually spent at home with me. In the morning he rolled over and pulled me close to him. I melted into his arms. It had been forever since he’d held me like that, and despite everything, it felt nice. He reached his head over, close to mine, and gave me a kiss on the cheek before saying ‘Good morning my beautiful, Lacey’.”

“No. No, no, no,” Sandra cried, in a state of gut-wrenching horror.

“That’s the moment things got ugly. I’ve never been the type to yell, but I yelled. I yelled and I screamed at him. I told him I knew all about Lacey and that I was done letting her ruin our home and marriage. I also told him I knew about the other women too.”

“What did he have to say for himself?” Sandra said, still in shock.

“At first, he tried the usual tactics of buying me off with gifts, but it didn’t work this time. I told him I’d followed him. I told him I’d read his emails. I told him I’d been face to face with her. I could tell he felt awful. He apologized and begged me not to leave him, but it wasn’t enough. I needed him to prove to me that it was over and he was ending it with her.”

“What did he say to that?”

“He said he would talk to her and call it off, but I didn’t trust him. I made him sit next to me while he called. I needed to hear him say the words, to her that it was over. She didn’t answer, but he left a voicemail calling it off and telling her they wouldn’t be seeing each other again.”

“I would have done the same thing. How could you ever trust him after what he’d put you through? So was that it?”

“Well, the affair ended, and things got a bit better, but it didn’t last. I should have known we’d never be able to recover from the betrayal. As time went on, Matt made it clear he didn’t want to lose me. The expensive gifts kept coming. Deep down, I knew he was just worried about his reputation. A failed marriage wasn’t an option for him.”

“Jerk,” Sandra said.

“With each expensive, meaningless gift, I felt myself pulling further away. I couldn’t look him in the eye anymore. I felt such rage and resentment toward him. He felt like a stranger to me. He took my love and devotion for granted. I’m not sure I’ll ever trust another man.”

“I get it,” Sandra said holding up my mug of wine to me. “Girl, you need a drink.”  

I tanked the mug. It tasted delicious. We both laughed hysterically. The combination of exhaustion and empty stomachs was enough to make us both tipsy very quickly. Sandra was the only person I’d ever told the whole story to. Talking about it felt therapeutic.

I poured myself another mug of wine and we clinked our cups as a solid friendship began to take form. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling good. It really felt amazing to talk about what had happened with someone I could trust and who didn’t judge me.

No more secrets.

No more shame.

“Let’s clean this place up and head to the brewery to grab some dinner and more alcohol,” Sandra said as she turned up the music and we both got to work.