Fear.

Even in the dimmed room, I saw it clear in her eyes. The same ugly emotion I'd seen in my mother's years ago whenever she was in the presence of my father.

It clawed at my heart then, and it ripped me into pieces now as Maggie scurried away from me.

"Maggie," I called out to her, but I knew it was too late. I lost her. She was gone, driven by the crippling effect I had inflicted on her. I looked down at my hands. Numb. Trembling. If I was being honest, even I was afraid of myself. Of what these hands could do.

I fought not to turn into my father. For years, I'd been successful, proud even. One night brought all that hope down.

Tension thickened in my throat. Even if I followed her, she wouldn't want to be around me. In my experience, those who hurt never wanted to be anywhere near the people who damaged them. Maggie was smart, strong-willed, but even the mightiest could be a victim of fear.

Frustrated with myself, I punched the mattress several times. My entire body shook with the succumbing hatred I felt right now. I could rip it apart. I could rip this whole place apart, but I knew that wasn't the solution. I had to repair this. My mind needed clearance from the blinding fog of guilt. Think, Zach. With what I learned through years of training, I managed to slow my breathing, but my heart pounded into me like a battering ram. I let it damage me on the inside. I deserved as much.

Reaching for the phone on my side of the bed, I called the first person who was able to help me out with this problem before.

"'lo," Rick answered gruffly. I stared into nothing. My visions still blurred from anger. I couldn't say a word. All I wanted to do was yell. "Hello?" I could hear him shuffling on the other line. "Zach?"

My response was a heavy sigh.

"Zach, what's goin' on? It's...fuck, it's three in the morning. What the fu—"

"It happened again," I blurted out.

Rick groaned and spoke to the person he was with, probably some chick he hooked up with. Rick rarely spent the nights alone when he was away from home, from his kids. "What are you talking about?" He grunted.

"It happened again!" I yelled and dropped another F-bomb. I glanced at my door, pissed off at myself for losing my shit. "I thought it was gone. I thought it wasn't going to happen again, Rick. I'm so screwed. And Maggie...shit...Maggie." To anyone else, it wouldn't make any sense, but Rick had been my friend for a long time, and the trust and respect I had for the man was incomparable. And he knew what I'd been capable of. He'd been witness to the damage I could do.

"Shit," he said when he finally understood. "Where is she?"

"I think she locked herself in the bathroom. God, I messed up big time, Rick. What the hell am I going to do?" Panic choked me. My relationship with Maggie was still fresh and new, despite us knowing each other since we were kids. It was fragile at best. I love her. I loved her since we were kids. I loved her when she wasn't with me. I would love her even if she hated me. After tonight, she would hate me.

"Yeah...okay. Don't...You know, stay put. I'll be there. You might want to call someone."

"Who?"

Rick sighed. "Call Bailey. She'd need another chick in there."

"Shit. Rick. She was...you should have seen the look in her eyes." I scrubbed my fingers over the stubble on my chin, and tugged hard at my hair that was starting to grow a little too long for my liking.

"Yeah, I get it, bud. It will be fine. We'll sort it out. But call Bailey, and I'll be there as soon as I can."

I didn't call Bailey when Rick hung up the phone. Instead, I dressed in sweatpants and a shirt. My skin was clammy despite the chill from the air conditioning. I padded out of my bedroom and down the short hallway to the bathroom. There wasn't any light coming from underneath the closed door. I shuddered at the image of Maggie sitting inside, in the dark, terrified of me, and feeling trapped.

Standing in front of the bathroom door, I flattened a hand over it. I wanted to knock. I wanted to tell her everything was going to be all right. But things were not all right. Nothing was fine. Everything went down the shit hole. I had no one else to blame but myself. I pressed my forehead beside my hand, closed my eyes and whispered her name, "Maggie...I love you...please don't leave me." I stayed like that for a bit, then pushed off the door and walked away.

Once I figured out what to say to Bailey, I called her phone. She didn't pick up, so I called Travis and got his voicemail. I didn't leave a message. I called again. He answered on the third ring sounding angry and rough.

"I need Bailey's help."

"What? Who the hell is this?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, while I carefully explained part of the situation. "It's Zach. Can you and Bailey come to my place? There something...Maggie's in the bathroom. She's not talking to me."

"The hell did you do?" In the background, I heard Bailey ask who Travis was talking to. "It's Zach," he told her, "He said he needs us to go there. Something about Maggie in the bathroom. Is she sick?"

"No, she's not sick. Can you please come as fast as you can? Rick's on his way. He thinks it's a good idea to have Bailey around."

"Rick?" When I mentioned him, Travis knew right away the severity of my situation. Rick was our fixer. "Damn, brother. Yeah...We'll be there. You want me to bring anything?"

"No. Just come."

"Right."

I thought after talking to Rick or Travis, I would feel better. It was the exact opposite of what I felt. Not only did I have to explain things to Maggie, but I would also have to tell Travis and Bailey too. They might not be as understanding as Rick. I returned to the hallway and listened at the bathroom door for any noise coming from the other side. Since we were younger, Maggie wasn't the type to yell at anyone, even when she was mad or hurt. She kept everything in. The silence was evidence that she hadn't changed. I leaned on the sidewall, slid down and stretched my legs on the floor. With my head in my hands, I waited. I'd prefer if Maggie came out on her own before Rick arrived, but that was far from possible.

After the longest ten minutes of my life, Rick buzzed on the intercom. I ran to the panel to let him in, then unlocked my apartment and waited for him to arrive.

"D'ya call Bailey?" He looked haggard, but I didn't give a shit about his crumpled clothes or how much of a mess his hair was. He was here to help.

I nodded. "Yeah. They should be here soon." As soon as I said that, Bailey and Travis buzzed.

"What should I tell Bailey?" I worked my hand over my jaw.

Rick contemplated for a second then said, "Nothing. If Maggie wants to say anything to her, that's fine, but you don't say shit. Nothing to Travis either. What we need to do is get Maggie out of the bathroom and to feel safe enough to hear you out."

Safe. That was a loaded word. At the moment, it was synonymous to impossible.

Bailey came hurrying in, throwing attitude immediately at me. "What the hell did you do?"

I kept my head down, while Rick talked to her. "Bailey, I need you to go in and make sure Maggie is okay in there."

"In where?"

"Bathroom," I answered, while keeping my gaze away from her.

"Son of a bitch. You better wish she's okay, Zach, or else." She stalked to the hallway, but before she reached the door, I stopped her.

"Wait, Bai." I ran into the bedroom to grab clothes, and returned to hand them to Bailey. She looked down at them with a frown. "She's not wearing anything."

She muttered a string of swears under her breath and yanked the clothes from me. Rick, Travis, and I stood at the end of the hall, watching Bailey. Travis hadn't said a thing when he got here, but I knew his mind was swirling with so many possibilities. He sent me a side-glance, eyebrows knitted with questions, but still kept his mouth shut.

"Maggie, it's Bailey." She knocked on the door, turned to us and knocked again. "Maggie, can you open the door? You okay in there?"

My heart beat like I was in the ring, fighting for my life. I might as well be. My head couldn’t wrap around the possibility of Maggie leaving me after this. My heart wouldn't survive.

Then it almost exploded when the door opened, just slightly. Hope. I kept my hands by my sides, ready to surge forward and ask Maggie for forgiveness, plead, beg, but Rick extended his arm in front of me. We looked at each other, he shook his head, and as hard as it was, I understood and stayed put.

Bailey glanced over her shoulder before she entered the bathroom and closed the door again.

* * *

"How bad do you think the damage is...physically?" Rick asked in his low voice. He ordered Travis to sit in the living room while he and I talked in the bedroom.

I ran trembling hands through my hair. My knees bounced as I shook my legs. "I'm not sure. She didn't talk to me. I don't know if she couldn't or didn't want to." What I needed right now was a punching bag, with my face on it. How could I screw this up?

"How long has it been since..." He let the words hang in the air.

I looked up at Rick, seated on a chair he pulled out of the corner. "Two years."

"Nothing after Kenzie?"

"No. That shrink you told me to go to worked it out with me. Well, I thought he did." I thought back to months of psychiatric sessions. It was one of Rick's solutions. He promised to keep his mouth shut, wouldn't tell anyone as long as I saw someone for it. Someone to fix me. Without any incidents for two years, I thought it worked. I was fixed. I should have known better. 

My life flushed its own self down the drain when I felt even a hint of happiness.

"What triggered it?"

I shook my head.  A vice grip wrapped itself around my gut.  "I don't even know.  We didn't do much yesterday.  Just hung out.  Ma's doing very well.  Everything's good."

Nodding his head and scratching the growth of thick facial hair on his jaw, Rick stared right at me.  His eyes said what his mouth didn't.  I'd have to agree with his doubt.  There was something there.  Something I couldn't name.  But something turned me into a monster.

Neither one of us said anything more when we heard the sound of the bathroom door opening and Bailey's voice.  I ran past Rick but kept a good distance away from the two girls, no matter how much I wanted to just kiss Maggie's feet and ask for forgiveness.

Even though she didn't look directly at me, her eyes were red.  It squeezed my heart.  She'd been crying.  Of course, she cried.  But her lips and hands didn't tremble, which was unexpected.  

When I didn't, couldn't say what I wanted to Maggie, Rick stepped forward.  His hands stayed on his side.  "How are you, Maggie?  Do you want to stay here or...I have room...or you can go with Bailey?"

I couldn't look at her for too long.  The clothes I handed to Bailey weren't Maggie's; they were mine.  She had on a plain gray shirt and my blue sweatpants.  Maggie pulled on the hem of the gray shirt and rolled a small piece between her fingers.  Her feet were naked, and she stood with them crossed, one on top of the other.  

Her lips parted, then closed again.  Then her eyes found mine.  "I'd like to stay here.  I think Zach and I have to talk."

"Are you sure?"  Bailey held her hand and squeezed it.  I should be doing that.  I should be holding her hand.  I should tell her she should feel safe with me, but even I wasn't too sure of it.

Was I happy that she decided to stay and hear me out?  Hell yeah.  I for one, thought I probably didn't deserve it, but I would make the most out of this, while I had the chance.

"Yes."  One word, yet, commanding, sure, confident.  My love for this woman grew even more, as respect added to it.

"All right."  He stepped closer to Maggie and held out his arms.  Maggie accepted the quick embrace.  "Call any one of us if you need anything or you want out of here.  Anytime."

"Thanks, Rick."  Maggie turned to Bailey and hugged her too.  "I'll be okay.  I'll talk to you later."

"You've got my number.  Just call."  Bailey spun around and glared at me, but she withheld whatever she wanted to say.  She didn't do it for me.  Bailey always said what she felt like should be heard, but she did it for Maggie.  "Come, Trav."

Travis tipped his baseball cap at Maggie.  Before leaving with Bailey and Rick, he patted me on the shoulder, a gesture that said 'good luck.'  I needed a ton of it.