I never thought I knew what real love was, but I was wrong.  Maggie proved that.  I was glad she did.

Even from the time we were young, she'd shown me how precious it could be, how it could change a person, how it could make a difference in someone's life.

Maggie witnessed the ugliness in me, one even I couldn't face myself.  The anger.  The hatred.  They were all in there...in me.  Despite all of that, Maggie loved me.  

She didn't see a boy who was traumatized by his childhood.  Or a man who'd almost given up on the world.  Someone so angry that he had let angst and fear take over, and turn him into something hard to swallow...hard to love.

Despite all of me, Maggie loved me.

For the next two days, she didn't just say what I wanted to hear, she showed them to me.  We visited Ma at the home, we read her books, even had lunch with her both times.  The days weren't perfect.  Ma had her ups and downs.  One moment, she would be laughing at us at something ridiculous and embarrassing I'd done when I was younger; the next moment, a dark cloud would mask her face, and she'd be gone.  Every time Ma's condition seemed like it wouldn't get any better, when she'd forget who I was, when she'd throw a fit because all she saw in front of her was someone who looked similar to the man who'd beaten her up, who'd treated her like trash, Maggie was there for me, for us.

In the mornings, Maggie came to the gym with me, watching me train for hours, laughing and getting to know my friends and trainers.  Every time after, I'd jump off the ring and face her.  She didn't want to show it—the concern for me, the worry—but there it was, etched on the edges of her beauty.

"How do you feel?" Maggie reached up and brushed sweat off my forehead with a towel.

"Never better."  She winced.  I knew she didn't believe me, after all, I'd just had a two-hour work out with Travis in the ring.  Dude's a beast, and he loved to get one up on me whenever Maggie was around.  He'd gotten me good on my ribs in the first ten minutes, but I didn't give him another chance after that.

I took Maggie's hand and kissed the tips of her fingers, and she gave me a small smile.  She was my kryptonite.  My gut turned into a swirling pool of who knew what as I locked gazes with her.  She wanted me to do more—hug her, kiss her, make love to her, but I couldn't allow myself to get any closer.

I missed holding her.  I missed the taste of her lips, the warmth of her.

For a second or two, I just looked at her.  It was all I could do until I was sure I wouldn't wake up with my hands clasped around her neck.  That person wasn't me, but my demons wouldn't let me believe it.

"I'm gonna hit the showers."  I let go of her hands and stepped back.

"You're done?"

I nodded and kept my gaze lowered.  "Rick gave me the afternoon off.  He wanted me to see my shrink."  Head ducked, my eyes trained on a speck on the floor until Maggie's painted toes came into view.

"Will you look at me?  Please?"  Her voice was barely a whisper.

I stepped closer again, and she nudged my chin up with her fingers.  I breathed her in, swam in her sweetness, and once my eyes hit hers again, my gut clenched.  I loved her, and I was breaking her.

"That's a good thing, Zach.  I'm glad you're going.  I'll go with—"

"No," I said a little too abruptly.  "I mean...I know you want to go see Ma. It's a whole hour, and his office is all the way on the other side of the city.  You'll get bored."  As pathetic as I felt, I tried for a charming smile.  When her brows drew together, I knew it didn't work.

"Zach, can we talk—"

"Hey, Zach!"  Rick came bounding our way, and clapped my shoulder as he got closer.  "You headed out?"

"Yeah."  Facing Rick, I grabbed a fistful of my sweat-soaked hair.  "I was just telling Maggie."

"Good."  He smiled and winked at Maggie.  She didn't reciprocate.  The worry on her face deepened.  "I'll give you a ride back to the apartment if you want."

"I'm going to see his mom."

"Oh, right, right." Rick rubbed a hand over his overgrown beard.  "I can get one of the boys to drive you there."  He returned his attention to me.  "I'll take you to your appointment."

"Sure."  I didn't have much of a choice.  Rick was worried about my...condition.  It didn't only have to do with Maggie, but it could hurt my future career in MMA.  He was concerned I'd lose everything if I didn't nip this in the bud.

"I'll get Travis to drive you.  I think he has to pick up Bailey from work anyway," he told Maggie before walking away.

Before I could change my mind about not letting Maggie come with me, I jogged to the showers without another word to her.

* * *

I stepped out of the office, red-eyed.  Rick saw it right away, but he didn't say anything.  He wouldn't.  He stood and slid the magazine he was reading back on top of a stack on the table.  He gave my shrink a curt nod.

"I'll see you in a week, Zachary," Dr. Surgeson said, shaking my hand.  "Take care now."

"Yeah."

Rick didn't say shit until we were back in the car headed to my apartment.  "You're good for the...you know."

"Yeah, he said I should be fine.  If you want clearance, I can get him to write a note or something."  Sometimes Rick could make me feel like I was back in my early teens.

He waved a hand and gripped the wheel again.  "No.  Not necessary."  I could tell he wanted to say more when he cleared his throat twice.  With Rick, much like with me, everything was a waiting game.  We didn't offer information right away.  I'd rather stick a pencil in my eye than talk about every emotion I felt.  But he needed to believe I was okay. Otherwise, he could pull me out of the fight.  Everything rested on that one event.  My mother's life depended on it.

I could never afford her treatments if I didn't win the fight.  No, not just get in the ring and let some toothless fucker beat the shit out of me.  I have to win.  If I didn't, I may as well let her wither, let her memories stay lost.  She was all I had for a long time.  Now, I was all she had.

With a deep exhale, I began talking.  "There's nothing to worry about, Rick.  I'm fine.  I'll be back to normal by the time the fight even starts."

"What about Maggie?"

"What about her?"  Keeping my eye on the busy road, I grabbed the side of the seats and tightened my grip.

"Will she be okay?"

"Yes," I replied quickly.  This time, I faced him and saw judgment in his eyes.  Whether he meant for me to see it or not, it didn't matter.  He wouldn't have asked about Maggie if he wasn't truly concerned.  "I didn't mean to hurt her."

"It's not just that..." He threw me another quick glance before focusing back on the road.  "You guys are going a little fast there.  She doesn't live here, Zach.  How long is she staying?  What happens when she has to go back home?  Is she sticking around until the event or..."

"I don't think Maggie is any of your business!"

"Hell yeah, she is.  If it has anything to do with you, she is."

"That's bullshit, and you know it."

Rick shook his head, his jaw muscles twitching.  I ground my teeth together, let go of my seat and dropped my head in my hands.  I was livid, because Rick had a point.  Maggie and I hadn't talked about what would happen when she went back home.  "Fuck, Rick.  I can't lose her, any more than I can lose this match."

I couldn't very well leave Vegas.  Ma was here.  Once she started her treatments, I would have to be around more.  She'd need me.  But Maggie...she had a life back in Fresno.  Her mother was there, her home, her friends, school, work, everything.  And she was always the responsible one.  She'd want to finish school and start a career.  I couldn't ask her to uproot and move here for me.  Could I?  Would she?

Rick reached over and patted my back.  "You guys need to talk about that.  Maybe not tonight, but soon."

I nodded my head in agreement, but I was lost in my own thoughts.

Could I ask Maggie to drop everything for me, even though inside I was just another monster threatening to wreak havoc in her life?

* * *

Even before I unlocked my door, I knew she wasn't in.  Grabbing my phone out of my pocket as soon as I entered the dark apartment, I sent her a message, asking what she'd like to have for dinner.

Too tired from the events of the day, from everything that had happened the past three days, I dropped on the couch.  An hour with my shrink was a lot more exhausting than any underground fight I'd ever been a part of.  Not bothering to turn on the lights, I scrolled through my phone and checked if I'd somehow missed a message from her.  Nothing.  I slipped my wallet out of my pocket and took out her picture.

She was beautiful.  Like an angel.  Like a star.

I'd spent my whole life searching for peace, and found it in her...and with my screwed-up life, I lost that for a moment.  I looked at my hands, ones that had wrapped around her throat just a few nights ago.  She could've run.  It would have been wiser.  But she stayed.

She listened.  She understood.  She stayed.

Maybe, just maybe, if I asked her she would never leave.

Maybe.