I know that Demi is avoiding me.

From the moment I was inside of her again, she’s backed away. We woke up the next morning, with her enveloped by my arms and legs, our limbs molded together, and I could feel the distance she was building between us.

All week, my calls had gone unanswered. My flowers met with not even a thank you text. Demi was retreating, and I had to get her back, take her by the hands and lead her through her fear.

It was a miracle she’d agreed to swing by my place tonight. I’d kept it casual, saying that I was having a beer and watching the game, and would she want to swing by. It was something I would have said all those years ago back in college, to get her to come over and hook up. Was that why she went for it? I hated myself for putting things so nonchalantly, because that was absolutely not the case of how I felt about Demi.

I setup on my rooftop, letting the night sky calm my nerves. I could feel a storm brewing between us. Old Paxton would have left it alone, choosing to ignore and avoid it. But present day me knew I had to confront it head on.

“Hey, stranger.” I crossed the rooftop patio when I heard the door swing open.

I’d texted Demi instructions on how to get up here, because I wanted to show her this. Maybe it would relax her, maybe I could have this one thing to my advantage.

“Hi. It’s beautiful up here.” She let me kiss her cheek, but her eyes remained focused on the sky.

“I know, it’s half the reason I rented this place. Look, you can see the little dipper right there.” I wrapped an arm around her shoulder, gently nudging her chin to look to the right area of the sky.

“Oh, how nice.” She went stiff in my arms.

“Demi …” I tried not to say it sternly, but I couldn’t help it. I was annoyed that she was boxing me out.

She moved out of my embrace, and I huffed, annoyed.

“I know you’re avoiding me. Are we going to talk about it, or are you going to act like a child?” My temper got the best of me.

“Ha! Me? Act like a child? That’s rich, Paxton,” she scoffs.

“Yes, you’re throwing my past in my face. Again. Can we talk about it like adults? Or are you going to dodge my phone calls?” I should put a lid on it, but I can’t.

“Then let’s talk about it.” She stomps her foot, and I have to bite back a smile.

Even in an angry, exasperated state, she’s drop-dead gorgeous.

“You still aren’t open to me. No matter how hard I try, I see it. All of your walls are still up, you’re not giving this a real chance.” I point at her, accusing her.

Demi makes an anguished noise and throws her hands up. “And why do you suppose that is, Paxton? Come on, it’s not rocket science! What you did to me was psychological warfare. You warped my mind, tortured my heart. For two years you strung me along, like a mouse chasing a piece of cheese she was never going to get. You knew it too, summoning me night after night. You knew you were never going to commit, and yet I’d come running when you crooked your finger. That is cruel and unusual punishment. So excuse me if I’m not over it, if I’m never able to forget it. A person doesn’t just forget the dismantling of their heart, ventricle by ventricle.”

I ache, because there is nothing I can do to go back and undo all of the hurt that I caused her. But apparently, nothing I’ve done in the past few months has helped at all. I want to go to her, touch her, but I hang back.

“I’ve admitted that I was a horrible person to you back then. I was a cocky, selfish, abusive asshole who knew the power he had over you and chose to use it anyway. But Demi, you know what I’ve been through. How losing my parents changed me. How it made me see that life isn’t just all fun and games, that to make it mean something, you need to surround yourself with people that matter.”

She walks across the roof, unable to look at me. Her brown hair glistens in the setting sun, and her slim shoulders shiver in the chill that dusk brings.

“I understand that, Paxton. But you also have to understand that a person doesn’t just easily forget that. That just because you had a life-altering event rock your world and change who you are as a person, doesn’t mean I experienced that with you. I was still here, sitting with my hurt, nursing it like a wound. You have to allow me to have that, to heal in my own time. And I’m trying, but you have to bear with me if I can’t automatically and openly give my all to you.”

Demi turns around, her eyes guarded. “Do you know that I was engaged? About four years ago, my boyfriend asked me to marry him and I said yes. Only … I couldn’t even book a venue. I had a ring on my finger less than a month before I took it off. I knew he wasn’t the one, yet I was trying to force happiness because I thought if I talked myself into it, it would actually become real.”

Anger, at myself, ricochets through my bones. Jealousy, that she wore another man’s ring, is like an arrow through my heart. “Because deep down, you know you have feelings for me still. And it might suck that you do, but it’s true. And I’ve been going insane trying to prove that I am worthy of you now. I might not have said it back then, but I’m crazy about you, Demi. I was a fucking moron, a clueless college jock with an ego the size of Texas. It took me a long time to set my priorities straight. And they’re set straight on you. I didn’t realize you were the one who got away until it was too damn late.”

A sob bursts from her lips, but she holds a hand up when I try to comfort her. Here we are, two broken people standing under the most beautiful of night skies. How disappointed are my parents in me if they’re up there listening?

“I think I should go home.” Demi moves toward the entrance to the stairs.

I walk to her, putting a hand to her elbow. “I think you should stay. Even if you don’t want to talk, it’s late. Stay. I’ll sleep on the couch, in the guest room … wherever you want me to. Just stay.”

We’re at a standoff, when all I want to do is kiss her. “I promise, Demi, I won’t try a thing. I just … I want to be in the same place as you.”

“I’m going to regret this, aren’t I? Dammit, fine … but I’m locking the door.” She moved to the stairs that led back down to my apartment.