CHAPTER FOURTEEN
MAYBE COUNTED OUT her cash drawer in the back office. Out front the bar would be closing. Alexsei would be locking up while the counters got wiped down and the floors got mopped.
He’d give everyone the eye if he thought they were slacking or not doing something right, but mainly, the crew who worked there now were all fairly well in tune. They had a good rhythm, especially at closing time.
She heard the steady fall of his steps coming toward her and her skin heated. He did that to her just by existing. She always seemed hyperaware of him.
“Thanks for staying late tonight,” he said as he sat his very fine ass across from her at his desk.
He’d needed the help and asked. So of course she’d said yes. The bar was open only until ten anyway. And her tips from that night behind the bar had been outstanding, which meant her holiday gift fund just got fatter and she could afford the bracers, ties and a few other things she thought he’d like.
But she just gave him a shrug. “Sometimes people get sick. I was glad I could help.” After zipping the deposit bag, she held a wad of cash aloft. “Good day today.”
Christmas was in a little over two weeks. And for the first time she found herself with a boyfriend she wanted to buy presents for. A boyfriend. Weird. But pretty cool.
“That grin on your face makes me nervous,” he said.
“And you say I’m the suspicious one. I was just thinking here I was with a house payment, a budget, Christmas presents to buy and a boyfriend.”
His pleased smile sent a tingle through her.
She waved a hand his way. “Yeah, yeah. Don’t let it go to your head that I’m sort of sweet on you.”
“I’ll try.”
His dry delivery brought a guffaw from her. “You just made a joke, Lyosha. What a bad influence I am,” she told him.
His eyes went very dark and then half-lidded. He let himself relax in his chair as he watched her. Greed in his gaze.
There was something so powerful about being looked at that way. By a man like Alexsei.
“The tallest, strongest tree has deep roots in the ground.” He shrugged.
Like he knew what she’d been thinking. Knew how important it was to her to be stable. To be someone you could count on.
Being Alexsei though, he had to say it all mysterious and poetic.
But she got his point. “So like hey the best people have the roots to stay badass? Family and mortgage and boyfriend being the roots making you strong?”
A smile played at the corner of his mouth but he was able to hold his faux severe look. “Something like that, yes.”
Avoidance made her finally speak the question she’d had for years but hadn’t asked. “Who’s that picture of? The one just there?” Maybe tipped her chin at the oval frame holding a black-and-white photograph of an older man with a spectacular beard.
“That’s my great-grandfather. He was a barber too. He learned in the army and then had a shop in his tiny town. But then the government took it over and let him run it for them. He used to close up in the evenings and then give haircuts in his yard. His way. Handsome Thomas, that’s what they called him. He was pretty old when I was little, but I have memories of him.”
Wistful light bled into Alexsei’s eyes and it pleased Maybe to see it.
“He stood up. He did what he wanted to do, even as he appeared to comply. There was always something so alluring to me about that. He had roots but he still lived the way he could whenever he could. He never gave up on being himself but he allowed himself to be part of something bigger too. Like you, zajka.”
Maybe had to blink quickly to keep the tears from falling, but the emotion was still in her voice. “He sounds like he was a pretty punk rock dude. I’m honored you’d compare us at all.”
He smirked again with that shrug of his.
“Saturday morning, before Seth’s birthday dinner, let’s go to Pike Place Market. I haven’t bought his present yet. I figured you’d want me to take your picture on or near the pig and all that stuff,” he told her.
Wow. He not only got her in ways no one else had, but he seemed to accommodate and even enjoy her weird little obsessions.
“Okay. Sounds good. I’ll get Robbie’s Christmas present then too. She loves teapots and there are two places I often find really wonderful ones at. I’m sure to find something for Rachel there as well.”
The having a guy to buy something for wasn’t such a novelty. She’d been dating people during birthdays or that sort of thing. Presents were fun to give, after all.
But having a boyfriend to give a present that showed she truly thought about him and what he liked and needed, well, that was something totally out of her wheelhouse.
He meant something to her and Maybe wanted to give him the perfect gift. She’d give lots of little silly things too. Unwrapping stuff was so much fun and she couldn’t wait to see how he reacted to Maybe in present mode.
This wasn’t just a matter of giving him something she knew he’d like. But something exactly right for him. From her.
She’d already been looking for the last few weeks. Found a few things she would give him, but not the winner. It’d come in its time. And when she saw it, she’d know.
“Come on. I’ll give you a ride home,” he told her. “We’ll deposit the cash on the way.”
She grinned, grabbing for her coat. “Okay. You gonna stay over?”
He pulled his overnight bag out from behind his desk. “I have my earplugs this time.”
Charmed, she took his hand when he reached for her.
“I told you things can get loud when Rachel, Cora and I watch television together.”
“You certainly did. It’s my turn to cook so I have some ingredients in the fridge behind the bar.”
He totally knew he would be staying over and he still sort of expected her to ask. She hadn’t figured that out at first, but she caught on, learning what he liked and needed as she did. She wanted him to feel welcome. Because she truly did enjoy having him around.
That was pretty big. It scared her that she cared so much about that stuff. Enough that she alternated between total avoidance—pretending she was absolutely chill with everything—and somewhat panicked over examination.
All the while, the constant was Alexsei. The storm of her life raged all around him, but he kept at an even keel.
He opened her car door—as he always did—before going around to his side. The beefy engine rumbled to life at the push of a button.
She’d been surprised when he bought the shiny black Challenger the year before. But after she’d ridden with him a few times, she understood it. The car was a lot like him.
There was no mistaking, even at a glance, that both had power. A quiet, raw power. But sometimes, at full speed, it was loud and overwhelmingly strong. The power was in charge and unrestrained.
“Damn,” she told him, “I just got myself all worked up thinking about you and this car. I just thought you should know that.”
His mouth quirked, just slightly. “All right.”
Snorting, she reached out to squeeze his hand.
* * *
MAYBE ADJUSTED THE microphone before counting off. Cora came in with guitar and the others followed before a few more beats when Maybe started their cover of PJ Harvey’s “Yuri-G,” one of the few songs she sang more than backup on.
Now the words had extra meaning. She thought of Alexsei as she belted the song out. Thought of how much her life had changed, even though it looked pretty much the same from the outside.
The night before as she’d been drifting into sleep after some spectacular sex, she thought about that story of his great grandfather, of the way he’d known she’d want to go holiday shopping at the market and made it into a date. The way he’d brought ingredients for the spaghetti Bolognese because she loved it. And it hit her right then that he’d seen her flaws and accepted them. Perhaps even felt attracted to some of them.
He didn’t tolerate her with mild distaste. He didn’t think she was a weirdo. Well, okay she was pretty sure he sort of did, but he didn’t seem to have a problem with it.
He’d unraveled everything she’d been using to hold herself back and take her time. It changed her perspective in so many ways she still felt off balance. So she threw herself into the song, letting her muscles burn, enjoying the feel of sweat on her skin.
He’d seen her sweaty after practice and sexed her up right there on the stairs just a few feet away from where she sat. It had been primo sexing up. Though, if she was honest, he brought the fucking thunder every single time. He was as good at making her come as he was at cutting hair.
Funny, she’d come to expect him to provide her with both things in a very short time.
Maybe let the music take her away again, putting all that on the back burner of her mind where hopefully she’d work through it while she wasn’t thinking too hard on it.
* * *
AFTER HER POSTPRACTICE SHOWER, Maybe wandered out of her room to find Rachel in the kitchen at the big table, her sketch pad and what appeared to be thirty-five different pens in front of her along with a big mug well out of the way of casual spillage.
“I heard the last few minutes of practice when I got home. Sounded good,” Rachel said without taking her attention from the paper she worked on.
“Thanks.” Maybe got herself a mug for her own cup of tea before assembling a quick dinner for the two of them, cracking eggs into a pan and watching them as they cooked.
“Dad showed up at the shop tonight,” Rachel said.
Maybe dropped thick slices of sourdough bread into the toaster before turning back to the stove. By then she’d locked her anger into place. “Two weeks to the day since Thanksgiving when you told them to back off for a few weeks. Well, he respected that request, which is something. What happened?”
“So careful. I’m sorry you had to always be so careful over the last few years.” Rachel sighed.
Maybe tipped the pan and hit the eggs with all that yummy butter. “I’m just trying not to assume the worst.” Which was also true. Just not the whole truth.
When the toast popped up, she buttered the slices, dropped an egg on two of them and brought the plates to the table, where Rachel had moved her things from so they could eat there.
“He came off like he was going to apologize. And to be fair he sort of did in that I’m-sorry-you-feel-that-way sense.”
Which Maybe thought of as a non-apology apology. But again, she held her tongue and let Rachel keep telling the story.
“He wanted to go to dinner, but I only agreed to give him a few minutes at the shop.”
Maybe was glad of that. Rachel’s coworkers were a group of total badass women artists and they protected one another fiercely, Cora among them. If he got out of line with Rachel or upset her in any way, none of them would hesitate to kick him out.
“Basically, he said he’s worried about me. Worried for my future. He and Mom just got overzealous. That’s what he said, not what I believe, by the way. Just in case you weren’t clear.” The sharpness in her tone told Maybe her sister meant business.
She smiled, reaching out to squeeze Rachel’s hand before uncapping the hot sauce.
“He asked me over for a weekend sometime. Or even just overnight. I asked if you were invited and he said yes, of course.” Rachel paused.
“But?”
“It’s amazing to me that you don’t just say what you think when it comes to them sometimes.”
“Not this again. You were telling me about what happened earlier with Dad.”
Rachel flipped her off as she poured hot sauce over her eggs with the other hand. “But he hesitated. And I just am sick of it. I told him that as your sister and as their other kid, I was so not down with the way they act toward you. Especially the way they treated you on Thanksgiving. I said no overnights. I would have even if he’d been enthusiastic about you staying. I have a house with my own bed already. He made some rumblings about this bed they bought me. How it was so cool and if I was going to be stubborn they could have it moved here. Please tell me what you’re thinking right now. No softening it.”
Maybe blew out a breath. “I think they bought a bed for someone with much more severe physical issues than you have. That concerns me because they focus on where you’ve been instead of where you are. And when you told them—more than once—that you had recovered far beyond needing something like that, they ignored you. They’re not listening to you and I’m sorry. They love you. In their own way they’re trying to protect you.”
“And what about how they treat you? Please be honest. I need you to trust me when I tell you that’s what I want.”
Maybe ate a few more bites before she answered. It was important to share, but also to edit. “They don’t like me. They sure don’t respect me or anything about my life. It’s unpleasant and I can say at this point it was far easier when the only contact I ever had with them was cards at the holidays.”
She’d cut them out of 98 percent of her life for a reason and it had been pretty peaceful that way.
“So. When we go over there, or you come with me to some dinner out with them somewhere, it’s for me, isn’t it? I mean, not even a tiny bit for you.”
Maybe thought as she chewed. “Well, at first, for a really long time I wanted it to be for me. I saw how they were with you and while it wasn’t perfect, they’re good to you usually. They’re proud of you and your life. It made me mad for a long time.” She focused on Rachel. “Not at you. But at them for not finding me enough. And for a time I believed them that I wasn’t. But, Aunt Robbie showed me what that love and pride felt like. And so now I go because I want you to have it. That pride and love I mean. Because it’s important. Important enough to deal with a few hours of shit Dad might fling my way. I don’t feel sorry for you. I just think it’s important for you to have that with them.”
Rachel sat back in her chair, taking it all in. “I do too. At least there are times I do. I know Robbie loves me, but you have a bond with her I just don’t. And I can’t, not really because what you shared with them is what you didn’t have with your own parents. I just wish they were...”
“As good to me as they were you?” Maybe shrugged. “It’s like you wishing you had what I did with Robbie. It’s not possible so there’s no reason for either of us to feel bad we have it where we do. It’s not about you that I don’t get along with Mom and Dad. You and I understand that and we’re good. I don’t begrudge you that closeness with them. I swear to you.”
Rachel wiped the back of her hand across her eyes. “I never thought you did. Let’s not let them get between us, okay? I know who you are. You know who I am. Know I won’t let you sacrifice yourself for me that way.”
Maybe nodded. “Deal. So tell me about the rest of the convo with him.”
“He asked me to move in to my room over there. Told me I needed the help and why was I being so stubborn. I said over and over that my physical recovery was ahead of all the doctors’ initial assumptions. That I wasn’t weak and how they had to stop thinking I was. Then things got a little unpleasant for a bit.”
Maybe knew what that meant. “When he accused me of taking advantage of you and leading you astray?”
Rachel groaned. “Like I said, he had some misconceptions. I corrected them.”
“Now who needs to be totally honest?” Maybe said.
Rachel gave the busted face. “He thought I was supporting you financially. I told him you paid your half of the mortgage on time every month and always had. I then explained for the dozenth time that I got the idea to try tattooing from my therapist after she saw my drawings and notebooks while I was in rehab. I pointed out Finley, my therapist’s older sister, who owned and ran Ink Sisters and who I’d apprenticed under. Anyway, it was all tiresome. And I don’t know if it made any difference with him. But I wanted you to know. He might try coming to you next. So if he does—when he does—tell him to suck it. Don’t let him abuse you. Not anymore. I get that you wanted me to have a relationship with them. And I appreciate it. But I can have that without you needing to be cut down and insulted.”
Maybe swallowed back her emotions and nodded. “Okay. We’ll see. But okay.”