CHAPTER 20
Rachel
Estelle and George—or Geo as he likes to be called—are nothing and everything like I expected.
I knew because Bodie is a good, decent, and loyal man that his parents would be near about the same. I expected them to be kind, gracious, and down to earth. I expected them to be simple, but not in a bad way. Simple in that they derive their pleasures in life from simple things, mostly of which would be family.
What I didn’t expect was how warm they would be to me. Maybe because Estelle is a farmer’s wife and is used to taking care of people, she immediately cocooned me in a warm hug and proceeded to give me affirmation over the rough choices I’ve had to make. Maybe because Geo is a hardworking man with drive and dedication, he spent a lot of time asking me about what I do for Jameson, completely impressed that a woman can hang with the men.
They made me feel secure in where I stood at this point in my life.
They made me realize it’s okay to be a crazy mess of a woman who really doesn’t know what she wants anymore. In no uncertain terms, they told me exactly what Bodie’s been telling me… that it’s okay to have doubts and fears, but that they were confident my heart would lead me to the right decision.
All of this occurred within just hours of meeting them. Bodie invited me to dinner with them, and I reluctantly agreed. I had to do it because Bodie told me his mom was going to come here as I got closer to the birth. She wanted to be on hand to help Bodie with the baby, so I needed to get to know her.
By the end of dinner, I honestly felt like I’d made two new friends in Estelle and Geo Wright. Bodie just smiled at me in a knowing way, confident as he always was that his parents would make me feel at ease with everything.
It’s why I’m strolling arm and arm with Estelle along the midway, stopping periodically to watch Bodie and his dad participate in some game to win one of us a stuffed animal. Bodie invited me to go with his parents to the Boulder City Damboree to celebrate the Fourth of July. It started with a huge pancake breakfast this morning, which tasted especially delicious, so I had extra since I was eating for two. We then strolled through shops, listened to live music, and generally basked in the carnival-like atmosphere the town creates to celebrate Independence Day. Tonight, there will be more music, and I’m told the best fireworks show in the entire Las Vegas valley.
“Let’s try this one,” Bodie says with the excitement of a five-year-old, giving his dad a slight punch to his shoulder. It’s a classic ‘pop a balloon with a dart’ game, and Bodie is eyeballing a massive purple panda bear that is as big as I am.
Bodie and Geo pull their wallets out while Estelle and I stand back from them a bit, watching them try to win the big prize.
“Rachel,” Estelle says softly, and it’s a tone that has me cringing a bit. While we’ve had a general group discussion on the dynamics of what’s going on with Bodie, the baby, and me, it’s not gotten overly personal. Estelle’s tone tells me it’s about to. I turn to her, a placid look on my face. “I know you and Bodie have probably had some really deep talks about all of this, but I just wanted to offer my ear to you. I’m a mother and a woman, and I’m not sure if you’ve got girlfriends or family to support you, but I’m here if you need to talk. Even after I go back to Nebraska, you can call anytime.”
A knot of emotion swells in my chest, more than honor or gratitude at her offer. It’s almost like I fall a little bit in love with Bodie’s mom right there and then.
I’ve never been close to my parents, and not because they are bad people. On the contrary, they sacrificed their relationship with their only daughter by letting me pursue my Olympic dreams. That meant I often lived away from them. Jacksonville, Florida wasn’t exactly the best place for a winter athlete to train. So, from the time I was twelve until I left the Olympics, I lived mostly with training foster families out West where snow was plentiful, or I lived in the dorms at the U.S. Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
My time with my family was limited but focused, usually centered around holidays. My parents fully supported my dreams. They attended as many of my competitions as they could, but by the time I was sixteen, I was competing around the world. It just wasn’t practical with their busy medical practices.
Sadly, the bond between us is strong by blood but weak by missed opportunities. I haven’t even told my parents that I’m pregnant, although I will. Maybe I’ll even fly to Florida to visit them soon.
A sudden yearning for my mom hits me from nowhere. A desire deep within me to just sit with my mom on a couch, put my head on her shoulder, and spill all my secrets. I’m not sure why I want it now. It’s not something I’ve ever really yearned for, but I’d give anything for some security and understanding now.
“Estelle,” I say impulsively as I turn to look at her fully. “I’d actually like to talk to you about something.”
“Anything, honey,” she says warmly, taking my hand in hers. “Let’s go grab something to drink and sit down.”
I nod mutely, happy to be given this opportunity.
“Bodie… Geo,” Estelle calls out. They turn to look at us, eyes almost glazed with the hunt for a big stuffed animal. “We’re going to go back up to the pavilion to get something to drink. Kick our feet up and relax a bit.”
Geo nods absently, turning back to the game booth to pick up a dart. But Bodie’s eyes become focused on me intently for a moment, trying to discern if I’m okay. I give him a smile, and he relaxes.
Nodding, he says, “Okay. You two have fun. We’ll catch up to you later.”
Estelle chatters about little things on the way to the pavilion, a huge open tent with drinks, vending, and tables to sit at to get out of the hot sun. We purchase some bottled waters but rather than sit under the tent, we choose a park bench that fortuitously sits under some shade trees and is looking rather abandoned and private.
Estelle doesn’t waste time. The minute we sit down and before I can even uncap my water bottle, she asks, “So what did you want to talk about?”
“Well,” I begin slowly. “You said something back there that struck me. You offered up your ear as a woman, and it really hit me… I need a woman’s perspective.”
“That’s generally a good idea when you’re talking about pregnancy and motherhood,” she says with a tinkling laugh.
I smile and bob my head in agreement. I’m almost shy when I admit, “I don’t have any girlfriends. I’ve never had much time to develop friendships of any sort, and because I work in such a male-dominated field, there aren’t many female coworkers I could even bond with. Like me, they’re all into the action and career aspects and we’re all so busy, we just don’t hang that much together.”
“What about your mom?” she asks.
My smile grows fond and nostalgic. “Yes. I actually could talk to her, I believe. We’re not super close because I was practically raised in other people’s homes or at training facilities, but yeah… she’s my mom and she’d give me good advice. But, you’re here and she’s not, and I feel like you’d be honest with me.”
“Lay it on me,” she says, slinging her arm over the back of the bench to turn more fully toward me. Her brown eyes—same as Bodie’s—are soft and welcoming to my needs.
“I’m not sure if Bodie told you or not, but I’ve been having some second thoughts about the baby. About being involved in its life.”
Estelle doesn’t even raise her eyebrows. “He hasn’t told me that, but I would think it would be natural to have conflicting feelings and doubts about any decision that involved a baby.”
I nod. “I wasn’t prepared for this. I thought I was solid in my decision, and then…week before last, I started spotting. It scared me so bad that I had to reevaluate everything, because when that happened, I was not ready to let this baby go. And it’s nothing but a little tiny thing that can’t survive outside of me yet. And I’m thinking… if the bond is that strong now, what the hell is going to happen to me when the baby is born? What will I feel when you and Bodie get on that plane and take the baby to Nebraska?”
Estelle doesn’t respond right away, her expression thoughtful. She leans toward me, and her tone is strong and assured. “I know my son, and I am quite positive he’s not pushing you one way or another. He’s always content to let people make their own way. But I’m not going to be like that, because I am a mother and I know exactly what you are going to feel when we leave for Nebraska. Rachel… you’re going to be crushed. You’re going to be immersed in pain. You’re going to drown in regret. You’re going to hate yourself for missing out on all the wonderful and glorious things that happen with a newborn on a daily basis. Even if you change your mind a week after the baby is born, you’re never going to forgive yourself for missing out on just a short seven days.”
I lean back from Estelle, almost as if I want to escape her sharp words. They weren’t said unkindly, but said so emphatically I can’t help but believe her.
“What if I’m no good at it, though?” I ask on a whispered plea for her to tell me some truth that will make me feel more confident about everything.
She crushes me further by giving me the toughest of love. “You might be bad at it at first. All new mothers have to learn their way. It’s hard, and you’re going to be an emotional mess through it all.”
“You do know you should be trying to convince me to stay involved, right?” I say dryly.
Tilting her head back, Estelle gives a laugh. “Oh, honey… I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You have everything you need to make your decision, and you don’t strike me as the type of woman who is afraid of a challenge.”
“I’m not,” I say a bit too proudly, because now I’m feeling a little foolish for exposing my fears.
“Then what’s the problem?” she asks bluntly.
So bluntly, it pierces my defenses like an arrow slicing through thin air. I blurt out another worry, and then I’m immediately ashamed. “Your son.”
This time, Estelle does blink, but she quickly pulls a mask in place that reflects open curiosity and no condemnation. She silently waits for me to explain.
“He complicates things,” I mutter, feeling horrible to even say that. My eyes drop down to my lap.
“Aha,” she says in a knowing, enlightened way. “You have feelings for Bodie.”
My head raises slowly, my eyes even slower, but I finally look at his mom. “Yeah… and you have to understand, I’ve never had feelings like this before. My entire life I’ve only been responsible for me. I’ve only answered to myself. And it’s one thing for me to commit to a child… there’s something biological and primal at work there. But with Bodie? I’m more scared of that than I am of being a mother.”
Estelle’s eyes grow softly luminescent, and her happiness that there’s someone who cares for her son is obvious. She reaches out and takes my hand. “That I can’t help you with. I’ve only ever loved Geo, so I don’t know much about the game of finding love. Geo was always right there since ninth grade. But I can tell you that when you do find love—true love—it’s about the most wonderful thing in the world.”
“So they say,” I murmur, appreciating that Estelle is pushing the beauty of love rather than the hard work and sacrifice. God knows I’ve got enough of that facing me with a baby on the way.
“Just let it be,” Estelle suggests, and it sounds like sage advice because it’s the easiest thing for me right now. “Just wait and see what happens. If it’s meant to be, it will be.”
Estelle drops my hand and nods at something over my shoulder. I don’t bother looking when she says, “Our menfolk are coming this way, but one last piece of advice, okay?”
I nod quickly.
“Keep your heart open, Rachel. I suspect you’re the type of person who has become so accustomed to being alone that you don’t know how to share it. But if you just keep it open, even a little, to let someone else in, I think you’ll find that the benefits far outweigh the fears.”
I don’t even have time to assure her I’ll take her advice, because a massive purple and white panda bear is dropped from above into my lap. It’s so huge my arms can’t even fit all the way around it. I tip my head way back and see Bodie hovering over me.
“Finally got that damn bear,” he says with a blinding grin.
“How much money did it cost you?” I ask.
“Only seventy-two dollars,” he says with a laugh. “So, you better enjoy it.”
I don’t say it out loud, but I think to myself, This would look awesome in the baby’s nursery.
I also wonder what the nursery would look like. Would we decorate it with cliché or our own personal style?
All questions that lead me to believe that what I thought I wanted when I first found out I was pregnant is not what I want at all right now.