Prologue
MARCUS
Ten Years Old…
Laughter bubbles all around the room as Summer jumps on my bed. Even though she’s making a mess of my cover and pillows, I don’t mind.
“It’s time for bed, guys,” Mom says as she walks into the room.
Summer jumps one more time before she falls flat on her back, spreading her arms and legs wide.
“Can I sleep here tonight?” she asks, as Mom bends to pick her up.
Mom glances at me from over her shoulder. “You have to ask your brother.”
I smooth the bubbles out from the sticker I’ve just added to the side of the model motorbike I’ve been building all day. Jaxson helped me with most of it, but he had to go home before we could add the stickers.
“Can I sleep with you? Pretty please,” Summer begs as she scrambles to her knees.
“Yeah.” I look at the motorbike one last time. Tomorrow we’ll build Jaxson’s.
“Come on. Get in,” Mom says while she pulls the cover back. Mom sounds tired. Since she started working, we haven’t spent as much time with her as we used to.
Summer waits for me to climb in, and once I’ve stretched out, she comes to lie down next to me. I always lie next to the wall so she won’t bump her head against it during the night.
Mom covers us and presses a kiss to my cheek. “You’re turning out to be just like your father.” There’s a soft smile around her mouth which makes my chest fill with pride.
“And me?” Summer asks as Mom kisses her cheek.
“You’re turning out to be the perfect princess.”
That makes Summer smile widely as she turns on her side so she’ll face me.
“Sweet dreams, my babies.”
I roll my eyes at Mom. She says it every night. I’m becoming a man like Dad. I’m not a little baby anymore.
She switches off the light and leaves the door open slightly, so a beam of light shines in from the hallway.
“Can I help you and Jaxson tomorrow?” Summer whispers.
Girls don’t play with motorbikes. But I don’t tell her that.
“You can help us build the track outside,” I whisper.
“With rocks? Like you did the last time?”
“Yeah.”
While I think about all the fun, we’ll have racing our bikes, I drift off to sleep. Summer throws her arm over my face, waking me with a smack. I shove her arm down and turn onto my other side. As I’m snuggling into my pillow, I hear Dad’s angry voice from downstairs.
“We’re going to lose it all!”
I frown and sit up so I’ll hear better. I can’t hear what Mom is saying, but it sounds like she’s trying to calm Dad down.
Dad’s been getting angry a lot lately. Since he lost his job a few months ago, he’s been drinking a lot. I miss how things used to be while he was still working.
“Back when the company closed down we didn’t even get a decent payout to keep us going. That money is long gone. With the mortgage on the house and the loans we took to fix the place up, there is no way we can afford to stay here. If we sell, we’ll still have to pay the outstanding amount. I don’t know what to do. We’re going to lose it all. The bills keep piling up, and there’s no way to pay them.”
“I’ll get a second job,” I hear Mom say as they come up the stairs.
“Doing what? You hardly make anything with that pathetic reception job you got,” Dad growls.
Their voices are muted as they close their bedroom door, and I can’t make out the words anymore. I lie back down and stare at the motorbike. The star I stuck on right before bed shines from the beam of light falling across the table.
Suddenly, Mom starts to scream, and I sit up again. I crawl over Summer, careful not to wake her, and tiptoe to the door.
“No, Robert! What are you doing? Have you lost your mind? I said I’ll get a second job. We can ask Christopher for help. There’s always a way out.”
I’ve never heard Mom sound so scared before and it sends shivers racing through my body.
“I won’t ask another man for help! Don’t you fucking get it? We’re done. After getting the foreclosure letter, it’s only a matter of time before they take the kids. They’ll end up with some fucker who will beat the shit out of Marcus and sell Summer for sex. Is that what you want for our children?”
“That won’t happen! Judy said we could move in with her until we’re back on our feet. This happens to a lot of people, and they make it. We’ll make it! You just have to stop drinking and go look for a job. We can fix this.”
Mom’s crying so hard that her sobs make me flinch. I don’t understand why Dad won’t listen to her. It would be awesome if we could go live with Jaxson and his family.
“What kind of man will I be if others have to take care of my family? What will everyone think? I’ve tried to get a job. Nothing pays close to what we’re used to having.”
“It will be a start! Just start somewhere. We don’t need all the luxury. We will adjust and slowly work our way back up.”
“At the age of forty? Are you fucking insane? We’re supposed to start saving for our retirement. We’re too old to start over!”
“I’m thirty-four! You’ve just turned forty. We’re in the prime of our lives, Robert. Retirement is still twenty-five years away. Stop being so negative for one moment, and you’ll see there’s a lot we can do to fix things. We sell the house and move in with Judy and the boys. We’ll slowly pay off the outstanding debt. At the most, it will take five years if we don’t find better jobs, and then we’ll be able to move forward. I’m sure if you keep looking, you’ll find a good job. You have experience. Have a little faith!”
“What fucking faith? It’s been something every single year. Since you fell pregnant the first time, we’ve been struggling. I’m fucking tired of this shit. This life is one big struggle. I’m done!”
Mom’s crying gets harder, and she starts to plead, “Robert, you’re not thinking clearly. Give me the gun. This is not the solution. Suicide is not the way out. Think of your children. They need their father. Think of me. I love you. We will get through this. You’re just having a bad night. Give me the gun, and we’ll go to bed. Tomorrow things will look better.”
“I love you, Stella. I wanted to give you the world, but I could never give you what you were used to. I wanted to be a father our children would respect and be proud of. But life just keeps fucking me over. Nothing I do is good enough. I can’t catch a break. I can’t take it anymore.”
“I know.” Mom’s voice is shaky as she tries to soothe Dad. “I know it’s hard. Let me be the strong one for once. Take some time for yourself. Things just look really bad because you’re depressed. Let me carry you for once. We can make it.”
“No,” Dad whispers. “It will only be a matter of time before you take the kids and leave. You won’t love me anymore. I’m a fucking loser. I can’t lose you and the kids as well. I can’t. I won’t!”
“Robert!” Mom’s shrill shriek is cut short when a loud bang makes me jump with fright. Everything goes quiet, and I can’t hear Mom’s sobs anymore. I strain my ears to hear anything.
Suddenly their bedroom door is yanked open, and when I see Dad coming out, I forget about the loud bang. I open my bedroom door wider and smile at Dad, hoping it will make him feel better. Only when he lifts his arm, do I see the gun in his hand. When he used to play cops and robbers with us, he always smiled, but that was a long time ago.
“Why are you crying, Dad?”
He doesn’t answer me, but instead, another loud bang fills the air. I hear Summer scream as something slams into me. I fall back into the room as a sharp ache spreads through my chest. I try to lift my hand so I can bring it to my chest, but it feels like I’m glued to the carpet.
“Daddy,” Summer cries as she comes to kneel next to me. Her little face is filled with worry for me as tears sneak from her eyes. “What’s wrong with Marcus?”
I want to tell her I’m okay, but even my lips won’t move. My eyes start to burn as I stare up at Summer’s face. There’s another loud bang. This time I don’t even flinch. Summer’s tiny body jerks and then she falls over me.
“It’s better this way,” Dad whispers before a final bang rips through the night. He falls somewhere at my feet, and as a cold shiver crawls over my body, I force my eyes down.
Summer’s eyes are wide open, and she’s also not blinking. Maybe she’s stuck like me.
I don’t understand what’s happening and the longer I stare at Summer, the harder it becomes to look away.
Summer.
I try to tell her to get up, but I still can’t get any words over my lips.
Summer.
My eyes start to grow heavy, and I fight to keep them open.
I don’t understand what’s happening. Why can’t I move? Why do I feel so numb?
Summer.
Get up, Summer. You have to get up.
∞∞∞
When I open my eyes, Jaxson is there. He’s been crying, and I lick my dry lips so I can ask him why.
“Marcus?” I hear Mrs. West say, but I keep my eyes on Jaxson’s.
“Jaxson, go wait outside while I talk to Marcus,” she whispers, her voice thick with tears.
When Jaxson stands up, a flash of panic overwhelms me. A strangled sound escapes my throat and makes him take my hand in both of his.
“Let me stay, Mom. He needs me,” Jaxson says to Mrs. West.
I don’t take my eyes away from his as his mom takes my other hand in her cold one. There’s a sharp ache in my chest, and it feels much worse than when I broke my arm last year. I don’t understand why I’m in so much pain.
“Where am I?” I ask when it sinks in that I’m not in my bedroom.
“You’ve been shot, Marcus. They took the bullet out, and the doctors say you’ll be able to come home with us soon.”
Why will I be going home with them?
Mrs. West starts to sob next to me, and I feel her tears splash on my cold hand.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispers brokenly. “I can’t believe Robert did it.” I can hear the shock in her voice, but I don’t understand what she’s saying.
Who? Who did what?
“Your mom and Summer didn’t make it, Marcus. I’m so sorry.” She starts to cry harder until she struggles to breathe.
“It’s awful,” she cries. She lets go of my hand, and I hear as she rushes from the room.
When we’re alone, the words sound like a dry croak. “I don’t understand.”
Jaxson cries silently as he leans over me. “Your dad shot you all. He shot you, Marcus.”
My eyes start to burn as my breaths speed up.
“He shot me?” I whisper hoarsely.
“Your mom and Summer are dead,” he rasps. I’ve never seen Jaxson look so sad before and it only adds to the suffocating weight of the words he just said.
Dead?
Jaxson hugs me as the word sinks in like a burning coal to the pit of my stomach. It makes my chest hurt even more, but I don’t want him to let go.
“Why?” I whisper brokenly. I know Dad’s been angry a lot recently, but I don’t understand why he would hurt us all.
“I don’t know. I heard my mom say that he must’ve cracked because he lost his job.”
When Jaxson pulls back our eyes meet again.
I remember Mom and Dad fighting. I remember Mom screaming. I remember the pain as Dad shot me.
Dad shot me.
He used to read me bedtime stories.
He shot me.
He used to play ball with us.
Dad tried to kill me.
I remember Summer jumping on the bed. I hear her laughter.
I hear her scream.
Summer is dead.
I remember her eyes and how frozen they looked as she fell on top of me.
“Summer is dead?” The words burn in my throat. When our dog died a few years ago, it didn’t hurt half as much. It feels like I’m being sucked into a world where everything is different. Colors don’t look the same anymore. Things don’t sound the same anymore. Nothing feels the same anymore.
Except for Jaxson.
“I’m here,” Jaxson says as he holds my hand tighter.
Yesterday I was Marcus Reed, Summer’s older brother. I was one of Mom’s babies. I was going to be a man just like Dad.
I don’t want to be like Dad anymore. I don’t want to become a man if it means I’ll be just like him.
I’d give anything to hear Mom say sweet dreams, my babies.
I want to be Mom’s little boy again. I want to feel her hug me as she makes the pain better.
I’d give anything to hear Summer laugh, to feel her hand slapping against my face as she throws her arm over me.
“I’m here,” Jaxson says again as he presses his forehead against mine. “I’ll never leave you.”
Tears stream from my eyes and I blink fast so I can still see his face.
“I don’t have a family anymore,” I cry as I realize what it all means.
“You do! You have me. I’m your family,” Jaxson grinds the words out as he sniffs loudly. He uses the back of his hand to wipe his nose.
I have Jaxson.
Through all the pain consuming me, one thought breaks through.
I’m so glad he didn’t spend the night.