Xavier has made it convenient to maximize the amount of time that he and I have spent with Jake today, only fueling the awkwardness among the three of us at the knowledge of what happened in the shower this morning.

Jake moves through each of Xavier’s demands without question and often without speaking.  I’ve sat back with Xavier and watched my brother harvest our precious vegetables from the garden, cook two meals for all of the men, scrub the kitchen floors, and polish every inch of the dining room furniture.

Any suggestion I’ve made to Xavier that I could help Jake with these stupid chores has only been met with his resistance and ire.  My fear of triggering another fucked-up show of Xavier’s power became too great, and I gave up on the effort.

Jake looks about ready to pass out from physical and mental exhaustion by the time he has washed the last plate from dinner and set it in the drying rack.  I can see him from my position on one of the chairs in the dining room.  His back is to me as he turns off the water in the sink and remains completely still for the longest moment.  I watch him grasp the edge of the grey slate countertop and bow his head, holding the position until his arms are visibly shaking from the tightness of his grip.

He’s breaking apart.  He’s shattering into a million pieces right in front of my eyes.

I can’t watch him anymore.  It’s too difficult to see the evidence of the slow destruction of my family happening all around me.  I turn my head instead to Xavier with the intent of gauging his mood, hoping to persuade him to throw me and Jake into the dark room for the night.

My entire body jumps when I realize that Xavier is watching me intently from across the table, likely gauging my own expression the whole time I was just keeping an eye on Jake.  His gaze on me is intense, easily breaking down my barriers so that he can see me fully underneath.

“You love him, don’t you?” he asks me curiously, keeping his voice down so that it doesn’t travel to the kitchen.

I stare back at him in confusion.  “What do you mean?”

“Your brother.  You share a deep bond with him.”

Shifting uncomfortably in my seat, I reply, “He’s my brother.  We’re bound by blood.  We’ve been through a lot together.”

“And nothing could tear you apart?” Xavier asks, though he doesn’t wait for an answer before continuing with his questions.  “You’ll still be just as close, even after he brought you to orgasm with his fingers inside you?”

My body shivers involuntarily at the graphic memories that Xavier is bringing up from just this morning.  There is only one answer I can give—the truth—and I speak it with as much conviction as possible in my one word response.

“Yes.”

My answer doesn’t please Xavier.  The dissatisfaction on his face makes me feel uneasy.

He quickly acts on it, calling toward the kitchen, “Jake, would you join us, please?”

When I glance in that direction, I see that Jake is in the same spot he was before, except that his entire upper body is leaning over the counter now, apparently needing its support to keep standing.  He pushes off from the edge of the counter and sluggishly walks through the doorway into the dining room.

There’s a deep ache in my chest when I realize that Jake is avoiding my gaze.  The pain he’s experiencing is so great that he can’t even look at me anymore.

He comes to a stop in the corner of the room on Xavier’s side of the table, keeping perfectly still while he awaits his instructions.

Xavier motions to the chair next to him before going the extra step to pull it out a foot or two.  “Sit down.  Take a load off.  It’s been a busy day.”

Jake hesitates momentarily before complying, likely trying to dissect Xavier’s intentions with this request just as I am.  He walks over and sits in the offered chair, but keeps his gaze down on the table, still refusing to look up at me.

“You’ve had a rough day,” Xavier says with some amount of fake pity in his voice.  “Unfortunately, you’ve had the short end of the stick today.  I think it’s time we turn the tables for a bit.”

Jake closes his eyes and shakes his head.  When he opens his eyes again, he appears even more overcome with exhaustion and hopelessness.

Xavier beams a smile.  “We’re going to play a game of Truth or Dare, except that it will only be you and Ash playing, and you’re the lucky one who gets to ask the questions.”

Jake maintains his vacant stare at the dining room table and asks unsteadily, “What do you want me to do?”

Xavier waves his hand toward me.  “Ask her the damn question.”

It’s only now that Jake finally looks at me.  In the subsequent silent conversation that occurs between us, it appears that we’re both saying exactly the same thing.

We’re absolutely fucking screwed.

“Truth or dare,” Jake barely manages to say; he chokes on the last word.

The moment that Xavier mentioned the name of the stupid game that he expects us to play, I should have immediately started to prepare my response.  Instead, I’ve been caught off guard by the question that was inevitably going to be asked of me, and I have no clue how to answer.

After what we went through together this morning, though, I quickly find that I have no desire to learn how far Xavier is willing to go in the dares that he could have planned for us.

“Truth,” I respond uneasily.

Jake looks at Xavier for direction, clearly unsure how to proceed in this game.

“Well, if you don’t have any questions prepared,” Xavier begins to say, “I’ll be glad to step in.”

Before Jake can get a word out, Xavier leans forward with his elbows on the table and asks me, “What is the worst thing that Silas ever did to you that you never revealed to Jake?”

My lips part in dread and disbelief at the question Xavier has asked of me.  He’s looking at me expectantly, waiting for an answer at the same time that Jake looks like he wants to sprint out of this room.

I bow my head briefly and take a deep breath before returning my gaze to Jake to tell him part of my story with Silas that I’ve never shared with him before.

“Silas forced me to dig up the grave where he said you were buried in the front yard,” I begin to explain quietly.  “He had me dig for hours to find the wooden coffin that reeked with decay.  He pried it open despite my protest.  There was only a deer carcass inside.”

Jake tries and fails to hold my gaze, seeming both overwhelmed and horrified at my story.  His broken expression is such a sharp contrast to the beaming smile broadening across Xavier’s face.

“And why did Silas force you to dig up your brother’s fake grave?” Xavier asks as if this were a perfectly normal question.

I turn toward him, trying to maintain an even expression as I reply, “I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger, but it was actually unloaded.”

Xavier bursts into laughter, barely able to contain himself until he finally calms down enough to speak again.  “You tried to kill yourself twice and didn’t succeed?  That’s sore luck.”

Sore luck, indeed, I think to myself as I’m sitting here helplessly with Jake, the two of us both being mindfucked by this sick lunatic.

“So I have another follow-up question,” Xavier says curiously.  “Those are allowed in Truth or Dare, right?”  Jake and I remain quiet while Xavier looks between the two of us, and then he directs his attention to me.  “What is the worst sexual thing that Silas ever did to you that you never told Jake?  And I’m not talking about whatever kinky bondage shit the two of you were into.”

“Please don’t,” I whisper desperately.  “Don’t make me talk to him about this.”

Xavier shakes his head with disapproval.  “Jake missed his chance to direct the line of questioning in this game, so I get to ask what I want to instead.  We’ll play by my rules.”  He suddenly rises to his feet and reaches behind him, and before I even have a chance to react, he’s standing behind Jake with a switchblade pointed directly at his throat.

“Okay!” I yell in alarm, but Xavier doesn’t drop the blade.  “I’ll tell you.  Just take your hands off of him.”

He does as I ask, but it doesn’t make the situation any better.  He’s no longer touching Jake’s neck with the knife, but the blade is still close enough to easily slit his throat.

“Silas drugged me,” I begin to explain.  “He said he was going to let Joseph have his way with me.  I woke up blindfolded and bound by handcuffs to each corner of the bedframe.”  I exhale unsteadily, working up the courage to get through this story.  “He made it appear that Joseph was touching me and going to rape me, but it was Silas the whole time.”

Xavier’s eyes go wide with sadistic satisfaction.  “Did Joseph ever get the chance to fuck you?”

My breath halts momentarily at the question Xavier just threw out casually that happens to hit upon the most painful of all of the secrets that I’ve kept from Jake.

The lack of response from my lips causes Xavier to do a double-take, and he lowers the blade away from Jake’s neck.

“Oh my God.  He did,” Xavier says in disbelief.  “Joseph fucked you.”

Jake looks up at me in shock.  “Is it true?”

With no other options before me, I reluctantly nod.

“When?” Jake asks angrily.

Tears race down my cheeks at having to admit my betrayal out loud like this, in front of an unwanted audience and with no preparation for what I’m going to say.

“Two months ago,” I reply, just above a whisper.

Jake’s expression crumbles completely at my revelation.  He looks away, visibly struggling with the pain I have just inflicted upon him with my words.  It’s unbearable to watch him suffer like this and not be able to give him the full context, without the ability to explain why I went to the extreme length of having Joseph sleep with me.

“Well,” Xavier begins to say to me with delight, “it seems that you were a whore around here even before I showed up.  It’s strange to think that you’ve now been sexually active in some capacity with all three of the men who make up your family.  That’s really sick, you know.”

Rage pools within me, fueling the silent tears racing down my face.  “I did what you asked,” I fume.  “I answered your fucking questions.  Can we be done with this for today?”

Xavier flips the switchblade closed and slips it into his back pocket.  “I think you’ve just cut through your brother more than I ever could have with this knife.  It’s the perfect time to lock you both away in the darkness for hours together.  I’m sure you’ll have lots to discuss.”

After a couple of quick pats on Jake’s shoulder, Xavier encourages him up from the chair and around the dining room table toward the hallway.  Jake looks like he’s in some catatonic state as Xavier nudges him down the hall.  I stand up and quickly follow behind them.

“Try to keep your hands off of each other,” Xavier teases while Jake and I enter the dark room together.  “I’d hate for you to get carried away again while you’re both stuck in here with nothing else to do.”

With a huge grin on his face, Xavier waves goodbye to us and slowly closes the door, locking us away in the silence and darkness inside.

Once the sound of Xavier’s footsteps fade off down the hall, I reach into the darkness with a trembling hand to find Jake.  My fingers connect with his upper arm, but at the first moment of our contact, he moves away from my touch.

“I can’t—” he manages to say before his words cut out into silence.

I hear his footsteps cross to the back of the room, but I obey his wishes and remain still, even though I want desperately to take him in my arms and force him to hear the full explanation of why I slept with Joseph.

My heart aches at knowing the pain that Jake has endured today, pain that I contributed to by finally telling him my secret at the worst possible time.  The struggle I went through before in my frustration and sadness over not being able to get pregnant seems insignificant compared to this battle my whole family faces right now.  I tried to focus on my future at a time when I should have been focusing on our survival in the present.

Not that it would have made any difference had I not chosen to go down that path.  Xavier would have showed up at our house just the same.  There’s nothing we could have done to prevent his interjection into our lives.

“Why?” Jake suddenly asks, barely audible across the room.

I take a chance that Jake will be more willing to let me in and support him.  He doesn’t say or do anything to stop me while I carefully step through the darkness toward him, coming to a stop when my extended hand finds the cement wall.

I hear Jake’s unsteady breathing right next to me, so I know I’m close to him.  Even after I have settled down onto the floor, though, I don’t attempt to reach for him.  I let him have that space from me while I explain what happened between me and Joseph.

“I wanted to have a baby,” I admit in a soft voice that barely qualifies as a whisper.  “I thought if I couldn’t conceive with Silas, I might be able to with Joseph.”

“Jesus Christ.  He tried to impregnate you?”

“I asked him to do it,” I quickly respond to clarify the situation.  “He was reluctant from the moment the request came out of my mouth, and that never changed, even while it was happening and after it was done.  He hated going behind your back to do this for me.”

Jake draws in an uneven breath, then asks, “Does Silas know?”

“He knows.”  I pause in my hesitation to tell him the full extent of Silas’ participation in that act.  “He was there when it happened.  He watched the whole thing.”

Jake is silent for a really long moment.  I can’t see or hear how much I’ve just upset him.  It’s not clear if I should try to comfort him or remove myself from his presence to ease his pain.

“It all makes a lot more sense now,” Jake finally says with the hint of relief in his voice.  “I couldn’t understand why Joseph had been so down lately, but he was dealing with his guilt over this the whole time.”

Relief washes over me at Jake’s understanding of the situation.  “It was destroying him.  He saw the effects of the weight being lifted from your shoulders when you told me about my infertility, and he wanted to feel that same relief.  We agreed that I would come clean to you about what we did, but Xavier and his men showed up before I could tell you.”

Jake releases a troubled sigh.  “This is how you realized that Silas might not be the cause of your inability to conceive,” Jake correctly concludes.  “You didn’t get pregnant after sleeping with Joseph.”

I nod even though Jake can’t see me.  “That’s when I knew something was wrong with me.”

The silence surrounds us again, but I feel Jake communicating with me in a different way this time.  His hand nudges my knee, and I take his invitation by reaching over to grasp his hand firmly in mine while we sit in the darkness together.

“Why do you want a baby so much?” Jake asks after a while, sounding a bit drunk with exhaustion from the events of today.

Even with all of the unknowns that we’re facing in the tumultuous waters in which Xavier is trying to drown us, there is one certainty that I can grasp fully.  That certainty keeps me floating, even if it’s just barely above the surface.

“When I die, I want to leave this world knowing that some part of me is living on and building a life and a future.  I can’t return to dust beneath the earth with no evidence that I ever lived.  There has to be some part of this family left behind to keep pressing forward.”

I’m crying by the time I finish my explanation, but it’s not entirely clear what’s fueling the stream of tears.  Maybe it’s because I know my dreams of having a baby will only ever remain beautiful hopes and thoughts in my mind.  Maybe it’s because I’m talking about death, and death threatens to be a more imminent reality under Xavier’s control.

Or maybe it’s everything, because everything really sucks right now.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper through my tears.  “I’m sorry for going behind your back.  I’m sorry that I did this horrible thing with Joseph.”

Jake’s grip of my hand tightens supportively.  “I forgive you and Joseph.  You had your reasons for what you did.”  He takes a couple of deep breaths then says, “I’m sorry for what I did to you this morning.  It was so wrong, Ash.  I should have fought harder.  I should have begged for anything but that.”

I swallow hard, desperate to keep my tears silent while I force back the threat of heavy sobs.  “You don’t have anything to apologize for.  Xavier forced that situation on us.  There’s nothing we could have done to stop it.”

He seems hesitant to be holding my hand now, as if his shame over what he did has made him uncomfortable touching me at all.

“Jake.”  I say his name with as much conviction as I can possibly pull together.  “We will get through this.  We might be shattered into a million pieces by the end of it, but I know we can survive this together.”

“How?” he asks hopelessly.  “How do we fight back against Xavier?”

I take a deep breath and reply, “We need to see Silas.  He always has a plan.  We just need to find out what it is.”

Jake laughs under his breath.  “We don’t even know where Xavier is keeping him or Joseph.  They could be dead for all we know.”

I block out the last set of Jake’s words, my mind failing to accept that Silas and Joseph could be gone already.

“I have an idea,” I respond hesitantly, “but you’re not going to like it.”

Jake is silent a moment then finally says, “Tell me.”