Chapter 14
Claire and Margaret hop up, and I think they’re ready to bolt from the room, but they don’t go. Instead, they stand in front of me in a protective stance. I love these women.
“Angus, she’s tired and needs her rest. She’ll tell ye when she’s ready,” Claire says and turns to me. “Should we ask him to leave?” She appears quite serious, but I can’t imagine anyone asking Angus to leave.
He doesn’t look at them. Instead he looks right at me. He knows I don’t want him to leave.
“No,” I say, and they nod at me in understanding. Margaret gives me one final glance as she departs. Alone with him, the ability to use my words is gone. One single solitary thought occupies the space where reason should reside.
All that exists is the pounding of my heart and the look in his eyes.
“You’ll answer me.”
I struggle not to cower or retreat. Ever defiant, I raise my chin and reply, “Make me.”
Each step brings him closer, right where I want him. I want to beg him to fill my soul. I want to take him inside me and keep him there, but that is not our fate. I don’t know what will befall us. I only know that I want him but will he still want me?
He is standing above me, and I lean back against the pillow. Clutching his brooch in my hand, I feel the pin pierce my skin, the warm blood dripping down my wrist. I want to wear his mark. I want him to see that I belong to him. How can I do that without losing myself?
He takes my hand but I won’t release it. The pain is my only defense against oblivion. I want the ache because it means this is real, that he is real. No matter what he says, I want to remember this.
He kneels by the bed with a worried look on his face. He pulls his handkerchief from his sporran as he wrests my hand from my breast. The blood has trickled down to my elbow, the crimson a stark contrast against my white skin. His brooch still in my grasp, he wipes the blood from my arm. I feel his eyes on me, but I stare at the streak of red on my forearm and the drops that have made their way onto the sheet.
“Tell me, Katherine. You’re breaking my heart. I will not allow any more suffering.” He’s stopped wiping, yet remains on his knees.
“I’m afraid to tell you.”
“Never be afraid with me. I’m yours to command. Don’t you know that?”
“You say that but you don’t know. You don’t really know me. I came out of nowhere.”
“I know you. I know yer smell, yer taste. I know you stir my blood. I know your soul calls to mine. I don’t need to know any more than this—I want you.”
I’m shivering now. From fear, from fever, from the enormity of my situation. The world shaken off its axis.
He gets off his knees and pulls the covers back. He slides one arm under my knees and the other behind my back and lifts me off the bed. In his arms, he cradles me to his chest like a cherished child as he spins to sit on the bed where I once was. He takes the blanket from the bed and wraps me. He must think I’m quaking from cold.
He’s applying pressure to my palm to stop the bleeding and whispering in Gaelic. Before I can stop myself, the words tumble from my mouth.
“I have to tell you something and I don’t expect you to believe me, but just hear me out,” I blurt before I lose my nerve.
“Aye,” he says as he hugs me tighter.
I’m not sure if he’s bracing himself or me. “Did you ever wonder how I came to be in the woods that day?” There. It’s begun. No turning back now.
“I did. Duncan said the Murrays made off with ye.”
“Angus, what did your instincts tell you? Didn’t it seem odd that I was dressed like that in the middle of the forest?”
“Katherine,” he gathers me closer and kisses my temple, “I dinna care if ye came from the heavens above or the depths of hell below. You could tell me you’re the devil himself, and I’d gladly give ye my soul, for it’s yours. When you were with fever and Lady MacGregor called the priest, I wouldn’t let him enter. God was going to have to come through me to get you.”
I can’t speak. Never in my life have I felt so loved and cherished. I had work acquaintances and my family sent me a card each year, but I’ve never experienced this kind of devotion. Sure I’ve heard girls talk about it, and I’ve dated. I wasn’t a total recluse. I’m just used to taking care of myself.
“I made a wish at a fountain, well, not any fountain. It was at Crathes. I was in a friend’s wedding and needed some air so I went out to find the magic fountain. I suppose I wanted to know what it felt like.”
“You were taken from Crathes? It’s not far from here. I can take ye ba—”
“No, I wasn’t taken.”
“Did you wander and get lost?”
“No. I didn’t wander away from the castle. Well, I suppose in a way I did. Do you know the story of the fountain?”
He doesn’t speak now but I can feel the rise and fall of his chest. In the middle of my madness, I find it oddly soothing and relax against him.
“The lady of the castle went out to her fountain and was never heard from again. All that’s left is the angel and the coins.”
“I made a wish, Angus. I wanted to know what it felt like. Love. Silly for a grown woman to make a wish for something so childish, I suppose. That’s what brought me out to the garden and before I knew it, I closed my eyes and sat on that bench with the coin in my hand. It was so peaceful. Just the sound of water gurgling through the fountain. The next thing I knew I woke on that forest floor in a panic. Duncan ran into me because he was being chased by the Murrays. And that’s when you saved us.”
“Ye hit me with yer stick.”
“Yes. The stick. Everyone loves to laugh about the stick but it was all I could find. Next time, I’ll be sure to have a sword handy,” I continue. “So I know that’s a lot of information. What are you thinking? I can’t tell?”
I have to let him process what I’ve told him. Either he’ll think I’m crazy and they’ll lock me in a dungeon, or burn me at the stake. There is a chance he’ll believe me. That he’ll have enough faith in his feelings for me that he’ll take me at my word. Even as I think it, I realize it’s a long shot.
He takes me by my arms and moves me off his lap onto the bed. So I guess I have my answer. Without a word or a backward glance, he gets off the bed. Each movement is slow, deliberate. He runs his fingers through his hair and opens the door. It’s closing is answer enough. The click of the latch quietly whispers, “No.”
I lean over and rest my head on the cool soft pillow. I can feel the tears run along my face. I don’t wipe them away. I’m strangely relieved to have shared what happened. It makes it real. My eyelids are heavy and swollen now. I close my eyes and rest. This may be the last time I lay my head in this castle.
I wake the next morning to a cool, damp room. It’s overcast and drizzling. The perfect backdrop to my mood. I’m still wrapped in the blanket. Apparently, I slept in one position. My eyes are slits. I reach up to touch my face. It’s still damp from crying in my sleep.
That’s how he finds me. Angus walks in and closes the door behind him. He stops at the foot of the bed. His hands are clenched at his sides. Tight fists as the veins in his forearms can attest. I don’t say anything since I’ve said quite enough the night before. I let him take the lead.
“Duncan gave me this,” he holds out his hand to show me something. It’s too far away and my eyes are still blurry from sleep and crying. When I don’t say anything, he comes closer and holds the object out to me between his thumb and forefinger.
“The coin.” The sound of my voice is foreign to my ears. It’s like a stranger is speaking and in some ways, she is. I am a new woman. Owning my past is the only way to move forward. Pretty words, but they are no match for the ache in my chest.
“Aye. Duncan gave it to me a few days after we returned to the castle. He found it by the bush where you two were hiding.”
He pauses as he’s carefully choosing his next words. I wonder if he thought of this all night. I don’t interrupt him.
“I didn’t give the coin much notice until he asked me if I had taken the time to get a look at it. He said since his Latin isna so great, that I could help him. The coin looks like any other but if ye look here, ye’ll notice the date.”
“This coin shouldn’t have been made yet.” He rubs his thumb over it. I did the same thing as I sat by the fountain.
“I thought about what ye said. Truly, I thought the fever had damaged ye.” He chuckles mirthlessly and shakes his head still staring at the coin, as if it’s the key to the universe.
“This is impossible, and yet here you are,” he whispers.
He sits in front of me and uses the tip of his finger to wipe the tear from my face, bringing it to his mouth.
“Impossible, yet I taste your tears.”
He leans forward and kisses my hair.
“Impossible, yet I touch ye.”
He takes a breath.
“Impossible, yet I smell ye.”
He cups my cheek. His hand is warm against my cold skin.
“Impossible,” I say. We sit like that, and for a while neither of us moves.
The drizzle from earlier in the morning is now a downpour. I hear the pelting drops on the roof and Angus gets up to close the shutters and throw more wood on the fire. I sit up when he returns.
“May I ask, did ye leave a family behind? Surely you’ll be missed?”
The fire crackles and the raindrops dance as we talk. He asks me about my life and my family. Did I leave a man? What’s a job? I feel like he’s genuinely interested, but it occurs to me that I feel like I’m discussing someone else. Going for a macchiato at Starbucks, shoe shopping at Nordstrom, a cell phone in my hand at all times. I couldn’t go five minutes without checking my email. As I reminisce, he strokes my hair, although it’s a terrible tangled mass. I feel so comfortable. Like I’ve been here forever.
Talking about my prior life is like I’m telling a story, but I haven’t gotten to the good part. Where’s the prince? The happing ending? I realize that there was no fire in my life before. It was flat and lifeless and without color—like living in a black and white movie. Waking that morning in the forest, the color burst into my life.
“My friends will be worried but my life is here now, with you,” I reply, never more certain of anything. “It’s as though I was surrounded by mist, and you came and brought the light. I don’t want to go back to the dark.”
“Marry me, Katherine. Be my light.”
And as his lips touched mine, I came home.