CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Sebastian had sat through more speeches in one day than he’d ever heard in his lifetime — not counting lectures from parents, instructors, and law enforcement officials — but the party afterward went a long way toward making up for it.
What had most likely once been a huge cargo hold in the old ship was now a grand entrance to the palace, utterly transformed into a soaring and elegant space. Twinkling lights hovered in the air, like stars brought close, while musicians played in shadowed alcoves. Well-dressed people swirled around, some dancing, all gossiping, draped in lengths of rich cloth with delicate jewellery adorning arms, ears, and noses. Sebastian had worn one of the coats that Ren had bought him on Fortuna. It wasn’t the style favored on Arcadia, but Ren had smiled earlier, seeing it.
Sebastian was used to the close-cropped hairstyles of space travelers, where his collar-brushing hair was considered a daring affectation — here the hair on most of the women and men was long and braided or twisted into elaborate shapes, woven with shimmering threads or hung with jewels. He watched as Simi danced with a tall man with waist-length braids, her face delighted.
He would have liked to lure Ren out onto the dance floor, but he kept getting called away to talk to some important person or another. Sebastian stayed by his side for a while, but the talk was always politics or government budgets or family disputes — which on Arcadia were all completely intertwined. Sebastian drifted away, finding it more enjoyable to watch Ren from a distance. It seemed like Ren was in his element, offering opinions that were given weight and making sharp points. Sebastian gathered that Ren’s speech today, along with the favor the regent-turned-monarch was showing him, had raised his status considerably. Ren’s triumph was well deserved, and if Sebastian was getting mostly sneering looks from the other guests, well, he had excellent wine and a brand-new liver to enjoy it with.
Sebastian drank and chatted with those who were more intrigued than put off by his disreputable reputation, all the while letting his eyes follow Ren. If he waited long enough, Ren would invariably scan the room until his gaze landed on Sebastian. Then he would smile his true smile before going back to whatever conversation he was in. It was strange how just a quick glance could warm Sebastian all over. Maybe it was the way Ren looked at him — like in this room full of glittering, important people, Sebastian was the only one who mattered. It was not something he was used to. He stared back, sometimes offering a conspiratorial smirk, but inside his chest his heart fluttered and leaped.
Turning from a conversation on winemaking, Sebastian craned his head yet again to look for Ren, craving more of that gaze on him, but there were too many people around. He felt adrift suddenly, wondering how he had gotten here, in a palace, so far from the muddy planet where he’d been born. Sebastian knew the answer was twenty-one years and a depressing amount of mistakes, but it didn’t help with his sense of disconnection. He set his glass down on a table and decided it was time to get some air.
Before he could look around for an exit, he was cornered by Ren’s father, a tall man with a broad chest and a broader stomach. His smile was warm but his eyes calculating.
“Well, well,” he boomed, gripping Sebastian’s hand tightly. “So you’re the one who’s been occupying so much of my son’s time since he’s been back.”
Sebastian, who knew most of Ren’s time was spent in meetings to plan the coronation, returned the handshake with equal strength and cheer. “I am incredibly distracting, it’s true.”
“You’re some kind of ship’s captain, I hear?”
“Some kind.”
“I’ve seen your ship,” he said. “It’s very familiar.”
Sebastian smiled with all his teeth, but then Ren was at his side. “Father,” he said, voice perfectly polite, “I’m so glad you’ve met Captain Garcia, but Great-Aunt Ejo was asking for you.”
His father’s eyes gleamed, and he released Sebastian’s aching hand to hurry off. Sebastian flexed his hand gingerly. “I trust he won’t be trying to crush Auntie Ejo’s bones.”
Ren rubbed a thumb over Sebastian’s knuckles. “She’s overseeing the bidding for a new ocean power planet on the northern continent. Father will be very nice to her.”
“I think we had a certain rapport.”
Ren sighed. “I wish I could tell you he improves once you get to know him, but he really doesn’t. He has no official role in government since Mother died, so he spends his time lobbying for various interests — the ones that pay him.” He looked around the crowded room and shook his head. “This ball should be in your honor, yours and the crew’s. I argued with Ilona about making your role in recovering the Heart known to more people, but I was overruled.”
Sebastian shrugged and plucked a fresh glass of wine off the tray of a passing waiter. “I can see why your aunt doesn’t want your involvement in a jewel heist made common knowledge. Besides, she’s been generous.” They’d been paid and very well; Sebastian had learned over the years to appreciate the value of hush money.
“Still, it’s not right.”
“That’s politics.” He leaned in to whisper in Ren’s ear. “I can think of all sorts of ways you can express the thanks of a grateful nation.” He tugged on Ren’s hand. “You want to escape from here?”
The corner of Ren’s mouth quirked, but before he could speak his name was called. They both looked over to see a knot of people surrounding the monarch, one of them waving to Ren.
He sighed and squeezed Sebastian’s hand. “I don’t think I can refuse that. Come with me?”
Sebastian held up his wine glass. “I’ll be enjoying this. Come find me when you’re done being indispensable.”
Ren went off, and Sebastian only got to enjoy one sip of the excellent wine before a prickly presence came to stand beside him.
“Zaria,” he said pleasantly.
The short woman, dressed in a stiff and heavily decorated suit, looked uncomfortable both with his company and the world in general. It was understandable; Zaria had been cleared of any wrongdoing, with Ren’s grandfather declaring that she hadn’t known about his plans, but that left her as someone who’d been repeatedly duped, both by him and by Ebba. It wasn’t sitting well with her, and Sebastian imagined it wasn’t going to help her career very much.
“I suppose I shouldn’t expect an apology anytime soon?” he mused.
Her expression was sour. “I offered my resignation to the monarch, and it was refused. I made my apologies to Ren, and he accepted. I have no reason to believe I was wrong about you.”
“I’m just going to pretend that was an apology.”
She stared out at the crowd, not looking at him. “If the monarch were to offer you a great deal of money to leave Arcadia quietly and not come back, would you be interested?”
“Hypothetically?” Sebastian scratched his chin. “I would tell her to fuck off, with the greatest respect. Or, I could take the money and buy Ren something fancy. We’d have a good laugh about it. But of course the monarch wouldn’t stoop to such a level.”
Zaria looked at him then. “To be honest, I don’t think you’re using him or running some kind of a con. Not anymore. But I do think you’re going to hurt him, and the longer you’re here the worse it will be when you do leave.”
“I’m not going unless he asks me to; it’s up to Ren. We’re on the same side in this. We both want what’s best for him.”
She shook her head, mouth set in hard lines. “How could you know what’s best for the prince? He’s devoted his life to duty and honor. You don’t strike me as someone who’s acquainted with either of those things.”
He smiled at Zaria with all his teeth. “Well, it’s been lovely talking to you. Let me know if there’s any update on the hunt for the homicidal wizard that nearly killed your prince and fucked up your entire planet. You know, the one you brought here.”
He spun on his heel, not sparing her another glance. The ballroom was too hot and crowded for him to do more than weave through the chattering guests. He knew he was just angry at Zaria, but it felt like the laughter of the party was taking on a hysterical edge and that the looks he got from everyone were more obvious in their disdain.
He shouldered his way to the edge of the grand room, discovering that the tall windows set into one of the walls opened onto a balcony. The cool night air was a relief as he stepped out onto it and sank into one of the comfortable woven chairs that dotted the long terrace.
Through the windows, the people moving about the ballroom looked like images out of a story, distant rather than threatening, and Sebastian watched them while he drank his wine and shook off the dark thoughts Zaria had raised. No one noticed him out there, until Mags nodded to him from the other side of the glass and made her way onto the balcony.
She settled into the chair next to him, the light from inside bathing her face in a warm glow. All of the crew had been offered the services of the palace tailor to get new clothes for the coronation, but Mags had chosen what seemed to be a slightly more luxe version of her usual clothing — a soft, long-sleeved shirt, pants with lots of pockets, and boots that were sturdy enough to protect her feet from dropped equipment but supple to allow her to move quickly and quietly. She crossed her legs and raised her own glass of wine.
Sebastian clinked his against it. “To another successful job.”
She took a sip. “You need to change your definition of success.”
“I only almost died. And we got paid.”
They watched the gala within, spotting the members of their crew. Simi still danced with the tall man, their arms wrapped around each other, while Bo worked on a plate of food at a table, chatting with some ancient relative of Ren’s. Lydia seemed to be having a lively and, Sebastian hoped, civil discussion with the woman he remembered as being in charge of the hospital. Jaime was at the center of a large circle of people, all of them apparently hanging on his words. He got the crowd laughing at some remark and looked both surprised and pleased with himself. Rylan loomed quietly near him, clearly enjoying Jaime’s moment.
“Jaime’s certainly popular,” Mags observed.
“Their intentions may not be entirely honorable toward him,” Sebastian said, leaning back in his chair. “According to Ren, the royal gene pool is rather limited. Jaime’s fresh blood, so to speak.”
She raised a mildly amused eyebrow. “Oh, dear. You going to tell him?”
“Rylan’s there to protect his virtue. Let Jaime enjoy being the star of party.” He paused. “I wonder if they might want to stay.”
“On Arcadia?”
“Jaime would have a lot of privileges.”
“He would at that,” she agreed, not giving him anymore, just waiting for him.
“There must be jobs for us here. Hauling cargo around the planet, short trips to nearby systems. Actual legit work.”
Mags stayed silent, but Sebastian kept on musing, trying to see the shape of this new plan more clearly.
“Maybe Kaz could set up some kind of flight school — she had a very low opinion of the pilots that were chasing the ship, low even for Kaz. I don’t know, maybe we could do something entirely different. Retire before I get us all killed.” He took another sip from his glass. “It is good wine. What do you think? Could you and Bo be happy sitting on a porch in the hills, watching the grapes ripen?”
“No,” she said bluntly. “Even if we could be, I can’t stay, Sebastian. If I’m in one place too long my past comes calling. Or worse, I get bored and find the darkness tempting again and end up hurting someone because I tell myself they deserve it.” She leaned forward to look at him with clear eyes. “But listen to me, if you think it can work here with him, then do it. Don’t be afraid. And don’t worry about me and Bo.”
He faltered. “Mags.”
“When you talked me into joining you on that ship, you promised I’d never be bored. You convinced me that it was a better place for me than where I thought belonged, which was the inside of a prison.”
Sebastian smiled fondly. “You would have killed any warden you had and half the guards just on principle. Look what happened when you met Lydia. You started a revolution from solitary confinement.”
“You were right about all of it. I was never bored, and I was happier than I expected, even the times I wanted to push you out an airlock. But just because it’s been good doesn’t mean it has to be forever. You and me, we’ve saved each other over and over, we don’t owe each other anything except this — I love you, and I want you to be happy. Stay. I’ll be fine.”
He sat with that for a while, trying to imagine a life without Mags and Bo in it. There was also a growing fear in the bottom of his stomach, encouraged by Zaria’s words but springing from a seed that had been there for a long while. As it crept upward, it brought with it his father’s voice, asking Sebastian why he couldn’t just stay still, why nothing was ever enough for him. Telling him that he would fail.
He saw Ren inside, talking to the monarch, handsome and serious-looking in his sober clothes. He imagined Ren there at his aunt’s side going forward, giving her good advice and helping to run an entire planet. Responsible for all those lives. It was something he was sure Ren could handle. But when he tried to see where he would fit in, there was no place — or rather he glimpsed Ren’s father, glad-handing his way through the crowd with false cheer, the people he talked to regarding him with polite contempt, and wondered if that’s how he would end up.
The dread rose higher, clutching at his throat now, but Sebastian pushed the words out past it. “I don’t know if I can do it, Mags. I guess I’m like you, just on a less lethal scale. Things’ll be great for a while, but then… I’ll get restless and do something stupid that I’ll pretend wasn’t intentional. I’ll disappoint him. I can’t hurt him like that, not again. Fuck!” He bent over in the chair and covered his face with his hands. “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be what he deserves?”
She didn’t answer but put a hand to his shoulder, keeping it there while he struggled to regain control and remember how to breathe. He finally sat up, rubbing the wetness from his cheeks. The party was still going on inside; no one had noticed Sebastian huddled out there while his hopes crumbled.
“It’s like there’s a room where most people live,” Mags said. “There’s always going to be those on the outside, maybe by choice or because the ones inside don’t want you there. Sometimes that’s safer for all concerned.” She gestured at herself, face wry, but then looked at Sebastian, everything else dropping away except her love for him. “But you don’t have to be alone out here in the dark.”
He fumbled for her hand and held on while on the other side of the glass people danced and laughed inside the bright room.
* * *
Ren was finding it much easier to get through a party when he knew that Sebastian would be waiting for him at the end of it. No matter how dreary the conversation, he could picture Sebastian’s lean body writhing beneath his own and be able to smile politely, letting the memory and the promise of more carry him through. It was a long night, and there were so many people watching him, but the only one he cared about was Sebastian.
So he was relieved when Sebastian crossed the ballroom toward him, his face oddly determined.
“I think I can finally slip away,” Ren told him.
“Are you sure?” Sebastian seemed more reluctant than Ren was expecting. “I know this is an important night for you.”
“It’s one at the end of a long day and even longer week. Besides, I’d rather be with you. Alone.” He took Sebastian’s hand and kissed it, not caring that his father — who had given him a lecture earlier about being careful who he associated with — was watching. His aunt noticed as well. She hadn’t dared lecture him, but her mouth was set in a way that suggested she would like to.
It was clear, though, once they left the ballroom, that something was wrong. Sebastian held his hand tightly but didn’t speak, didn’t send him flirtatious looks or little smiles. Ren didn’t ask what was the matter; there were people in the corridors and the elevators, people everywhere until they reached Sebastian’s room. Before he opened the door, Sebastian took a breath, like the kind Ren would take before he had to do something he didn’t want to do, and he felt a chill settle over him.
“What is it?” he demanded as soon as the door was shut.
In answer, Sebastian turned and pushed him up against the door. His hands clutched at Ren’s shoulders, and he kissed him with a desperation that frightened Ren even more. He returned the kiss, trying to find some reassurance in it.
“What’s wrong?” he whispered, voice small as Sebastian broke the kiss to press his forehead against Ren’s.
Sebastian stroked the sides of his face. “Remember I told you I would stay until you told me to go?” He lifted his head, his eyes red-rimmed. “Well, you need to tell me to leave.”
Ren took his shoulders and held him at arm’s length, staring in confusion. “Did someone say something to you? Did my father—”
“No, no.” Sebastian shook his head. “This is me, figuring things out.”
“That you want to leave me?” He realized that his fingers were digging into Sebastian’s shoulders, and he released him. He felt hemmed in with his back to the door, and he began to move around the room, trying to get his bearings.
“I don’t want to.” Sebastian raked a hand through his hair. “It’s killing me, but I can’t stay.”
A sudden thought stopped Ren abruptly. “You don’t want me.”
Sebastian started to reach for him and jerked his hands back. “I love you, Ren. I’m desperately in love with you, which is why I’m trying not to be selfish, even though this hurts worse than my guts being burned away. I want to do what’s right, rather than what’s easy and apologizing for it later.” He sounded defeated. “If I stay here, it’ll be good, really good for a while. Maybe good enough that you won’t care what people say about me, what your family thinks of me.” He held up a hand as Ren started to protest. “Then I’ll make some mistake. I’ll get itchy fingers and steal something or break some protocol, say the wrong thing, come up with a stupid plan. You’ll cover for me, and I’ll promise not to do it again. Until the next time and the time after that. Finally one day you’ll look at me and see what everyone sees. That I’m a fuck-up and a failure.”
Ren found a spark of anger and relished it because it helped him not be so afraid. “Stop doing that.”
“What?”
“Talking about yourself as unworthy.”
Sebastian avoided his gaze. “I’ve done bad things, Ren.”
“I certainly know that,” he said coldly.
“Not just to you. I’ve lied, cheated, stole. I’ve even killed, though I tell myself it was because I had to.”
“No. Enough of this.” Ren drew himself up. “I won’t let you run away from us.”
Sebastian suddenly sat down on the floor, like his legs had given up working. He peered up hopelessly at Ren. “Tell me how this works then. Where do I belong, in this palace, in your life?”
“With me, at my side.” He knelt beside Sebastian, but even as he did he tried to imagine what their lives together would be like. He saw them riding over the hills, exploring all of the places that Ren visited when he needed to be by himself. But he realized all his fantasies were of escaping with Sebastian, not living in the day to day.
“You asked to go,” Ren said slowly, “but you haven’t asked me to come with you.”
Sebastian’s eyes jerked to his, and he opened his mouth. But he shut it just as quickly, dropping his eyes. “How can I ask you to give up all this?”
“I don’t care about money, Sebastian.”
A ghost of a smile flitted across his lips. “You say that because you’ve always had it. But I know that it’s not important to you, I do believe that. It’s just — I saw you today, Ren, the way you connected to all those people. There’s a whole world here. I know you don’t care about power, but that’s why you’re the person who should have it. You can do good, because you are good.”
“So are you.” He started to turn away, but Ren caught his face, hard, making Sebastian look at him. “You’re a good man, Sebastian, you deserve to be happy.”
He reached out to trace Ren’s lips. “I’d like to think that. Maybe I can try to be good, Ren, but I know you can be great.” He closed his eyes and whispered. “Tell me to go.”
This time it was Ren who kissed Sebastian wildly with lips and tongue and teeth, wanting to devour him completely so that he’d stay. Ren wanted to push him down and make love to him so that he would stay. He wanted to remind Sebastian of everything they’d been through, everything he felt, all of his love, so that he would stay. So that he would stay. Stay.
Ren tore away and got to his feet, straightening his clothes with numb hands as he walked to the door. He opened it and looked back at Sebastian, still on the floor.
“Go,” he said, voice breaking, and left the room.