On the way home from the clubhouse, Arsen realized he hadn’t called Quinn. “Shit,” he muttered. He debated calling her now, but he was only ten minutes from home, and it was late, a little after midnight, so he decided not to bother.
The house was dark as he moved to his bedroom. “You didn’t call,” Quinn said from his bed.
“No. I forgot.” She turned the lamp on and sat up. He expected to see her in some form of sleepwear, but she was still fully dressed.
“I’ve been worried.”
“Smooth as glass,” he replied. “I told you to not worry.”
“You don’t know how they are! They’re ruthless. They won’t hesitate to kill everyone. The Riders thought we could reason with them, but you see how that came out.”
“You haven’t seen us when we’re pissed off,” Arsen teased.
“Your club is—”
“Our club,” he corrected.
“Our club is nothing like them,” she began again. “You have morals, and compassion, and, and…”
“And what?”
“And I don’t want to lose you!”
That statement gave him pause. “Let me get a shower, then we’ll talk,” he said to buy himself some time to think.
He stripped out of his clothes and quickly showered. He felt…unclean…after being in the Horsemen’s lab. He debated pulling on some pants, but decided not to, and stepped out of the bathroom. He didn’t do robes or pajamas, and she could deal with it.
He stepped out of the shower, his dark hair made even darker by his shower, completely unselfconscious in his nakedness.
“I’m sorry I said that,” Quinn said as soon as she saw him. “It didn’t come out the way I intended.”
“It’s okay,” he said softly as he sat on the edge of the bed with her. “What did you mean to say?”
“I don’t know. I just know what happened to the Desert Riders, and I don’t want that to happen to you. You or the Blades.”
“It won’t. We hit them hard today. We found their lab and it’s gone. Now the ball is in their court.”
“So what happens next?”
“Next we go on lockdown. First thing in the morning. I’m sure some of the brothers will send their old ladies away. Do you have someplace to go?”
“No, nowhere.”
“You don’t have family?”
“None close.”
“Where’s your family?”
“Fairfax, Virginia.”
“Kind far from home, aren’t you?”
“Not me. Them. I was born in Flagstaff. They moved east a few years ago to be close to my brother and his kids.”
He detected a tone in her voice. “You could go stay with them. I’ll buy you a ticket.”
She snorted. “Thanks but no thanks. We haven’t gotten along for years. Richard was always their favorite anyway.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
She snorted again. “That’s because you don’t know them. He was always the schmoozer. Class President, active in church. He’s a lobbyist for the solar power industry in DC now. But it’s all a scam. He doesn’t believe in anything and will say anything if he thinks it’ll get him ahead. I know he was cheating on his girlfriend while they were in college. When he said he was going to marry her, I confronted him about it and he lied right to my face. Told me I didn’t see what I know damn good and well I did see. When we were kids, he always had extra money. It’s funny how sometimes when he’d saved” she said, making air quotes with her fingers, “a little extra, Mom would be surprised because she was a little short.”
“Sounds like a nice guy,” he said, his lips quirking into a smirk.
“He seems like it, but I know him. He lives in a big nice house, and drives expensive new cars, and gives Mom and Dad trips to Europe, or some shit, for Christmas, but the last time I was there, when his son was born, I brought in the mail, trying to help out. There was a final notice from Mercedes Benz Finance on top. I couldn’t care less he’s in debt up to his neck, but he came unglued on me, accusing me of snooping and such. Later he acted like nothing had happened and I was just being moody, which got Mom on my case. So I washed my hands of him, and his wife too, because she’s just like him. They deserve each other. When Melissa became pregnant with their second, Mom decided she and Dad were moving closer to help.”
“So that means you don’t want me to buy you a ticket?”
She sniffed out a short laugh. “Hardly.”
“Anywhere else you want to go? Friends? Anyone like that?”
“No. All my friends are dead.”
He grimaced. If weren’t for the Blades, he’d have no friends either. “Okay. So you’ll go on lockdown with us.”
She looked up at him. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For being such a pain in your ass.”
He stood, pulled her to her feet, then tossed the linens back. He settled into the bed then patted the mattress beside him. She smiled then shrugged out of her clothes, leaving only her panties on, and crawled in beside him. He pulled her into a cuddle.
“I know you’re afraid,” he said softly as she snuggled into the crook of his arm, her head laying on his chest, his hand slowly caressing her back, “but you’ve got to trust us on this. We’ve dealt with them before.”
“How did it go then?”
“Other than having them kill my parents and wife?”
She flinched. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”
He nodded, knowing that wasn’t what she meant, but wanting to remind her he understood her fear and pain better than she thought. “We pushed them out of the MDMA market. The killing of my family was their last ditch attempt to turn it around. Dad developed the MDMA procedure we use now. He had no classic training as a chemist, but he had a natural gift for it. He started making it in a storage building, and as the market grew, the Blades grew with it. Molly sent me to college, and I got a degree in organic chemistry. While I was in school, it was getting harder and harder to hide what he was doing, so, at my suggestion, he built the B3 business as a blind. I worked on formulas for the salts and beads in my spare time. We used to make the stuff and give it away, but then Zane decide that was stupid and we should at least try to sell it. He built the website, and while it took a year or more, the orders started to grow. The plan had just come online when they were killed.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. I hurt for a long time. Everything seemed to be going our way, then that happened. I’d graduated school, gotten married, and I was able to scale up and refine our processes. The MDMA and B3 business were growing, and the Blades was making more money than ever, but I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t unhappy, but there was a hole where Holly, Mom, and Dad used to be. I didn’t care about anything except the Blades and the product.”
He paused and gave her a squeeze. “Then I found this little lost kitten out on the interstate and I brought her home.”
She smiled and drew a pattern on his chest with a finger. “I’m glad you did. This is the only place I feel really safe anymore, and even then, when you were gone tonight, I couldn’t sit still.”
“You’re safe now. You’re part of the Blades. We’ll protect you.”
“Am I? Am I really? You don’t have women members. How can I be part of it? I’m nobody’s old lady. Is that what you expect? Is that your price? Do I have to become your old lady so you can have someone to fuck whenever you want?”
“I don’t expect anything except that you uphold the charter of the club,” he said, his voice becoming hard. “You’re an asset to the club. When I talked to Zane and Phil about it, they were on board with you being part of the club and getting a share. If we’re going to push B3, and we may have to in order to hide what else we do, we need your talents. You’re in a unique position. More than a club girl, but not an old lady or a member. We’ll have to figure out what to do with you in the next year. Maybe we’ll create a new, non-voting membership class. I don’t know yet, and I need to talk it over with the rest of the club, but we’ll worry about that when the time comes.”
She smiled. “You could make me a member.”
This time he snorted. “I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Can you imagine the headaches that would cause? Brother and old lady voting on the opposite sides of an issue.”
“So old ladies don’t get a vote.”
“Right,” he said, drawling the word out. “Can you see Michelle sitting back and not having a vote if you do? She would drop Zane so fast he would bounce for a week.”
“She loves him!”
“I’m sure she does. And he loves her. And they would probably still sleep together and do all the things they do now, but she’ll want the same rights you would have. So no, I don’t see that happening.”
“I don’t understand you. Why me? Is it just because I can help the club? Why do you care what happens to me?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“I’m, if not broken, at least bent. I feel clingy, and I hate it, but I can’t help feeling that way. I still feel like crying sometimes for no reason. I may never be able to enjoy sex again the way I did. I—”
“Didn’t you enjoy it last night?” he asked.
“Yes, but not like I did. I used to want to fuck. Last night I felt like, I don’t know, like I had to. Not for you,” she added hastily when she felt him stiffen and drawn in a breath, “but for me. Like I said, I had to know if I could.”
“Okay. And you did, and sort of enjoyed it. So today, what’s changed?”
Her finger stopped moving and she raised up to look into his eyes. “Today, I don’t know what I want. I want to be with you, but I worry I’ll never be able to satisfy you.”
He frowned. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“I know about Holly, how you two enjoyed each other. I…don’t know if I’ll ever be like that again.”
“You’re you. You’re not her and never will be. I’m not comparing you to her, so why are you?”
“You said yourself you wouldn’t be with a woman that won’t let you touch her.”
“Yes, but we did make love last night, didn’t we? I enjoyed it. You said you enjoyed it, sort of.”
“But what if I can’t again?”
“Then we’ll figure it out. Maybe we’ll decide we’re not right for each other. I don’t know what to tell you, Quinn, but since you came into my life, that ache where Holly used to be doesn’t hurt as much. Maybe it’s stupid, but it’s the truth.”
“Now who’s comparing us?”
“I’m not comparing you. You two couldn’t be more different. Holly was loud, you’re quiet. She was five-eight and full figured, you’re petite. She was blonde haired and blue eyed. You’re not. She used to drink hard and get hammered. I’ve never seen you drink more than two beers at a time. She liked to party and you want to stay home.”
“She liked to fuck and I don’t.”
“She liked to fuck, and you don’t. Yet,” he added with his lopsided grin. “The point is, You’re you and she was her. I’m not trying to replace her. If you were like her, I don’t know that I would feel the way I do about you because you would remind me of her too much.”
“How do you feel about me?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know, exactly. I don’t love you, if that’s what you’re asking, but I feel something. You have this pull. I want to be with you. I want to see you smile. I want hold you and protect you.” He paused as he gathered his thoughts. “I loved Holly with all my heart. But even saying that, I never felt protective of her the way I do with you. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s almost like you’re Holly, but more, but at the same time. It’s different. It’s weird, but I want you with me even if we’re not fucking. Whether that’s for another week, another month, or another year, I don’t really know.”
“Whether we’re fucking or not?” she asked.
“For now, yes. Right now you’re filling that hollow place inside me, and that’s enough.”
She bit down hard on her emotions and she recalled Michelle’s words. “Maybe you were meant to find me.”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe that’s why all those cars drove past and didn’t stop. You’re meant to help me, and I’m meant to help you.”
He was quiet. The only fate he believed in was that which he created for himself. But there was some symmetry in them helping each other heal. He kissed her on the head. Somehow it felt right having her in his arms and in his bed, more right than any woman since Holly. “Maybe,” he finally allowed.