She said my name, but her voice was in a tunnel of red, and all I could see at the end of it were his hands on her face, her head tipped back, waiting. Waiting for what? For him to fucking kiss her? To tell her he still loves her? I was sick. Nausea roiled and bile crept up my throat as I thought about how fucking stupid I’d been to think our five months mattered compared to the thirteen years of their history. A familiar feeling rolled my fists as her betrayal gorged itself on my heart. A flash of desperation in her eyes held my feet steady and my pride kept my fist from Ben’s face. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction, wouldn’t let him know how much she fucking meant to me, how much I just lost.
Two, three steps backward and I relaxed my fists and walked away.
“Wait!”
I heard her plea as I stalked through the lobby and out into the hot, muggy air. It usually suffocated me, but today it offered me relief. How was this shit happening to me again? I shoved my hand into my pocket, grabbing my keys, and hit the automatic lock.
A frantic sob broke through my rage. “Please, don’t leave, nothing happened.” But I couldn’t stop my feet from their forward progression. Déjà vu settled over me like a noose. I’ve heard this all before. “Listen! Please, Ben.”
I jerked to a stop, her slip like a slap across my goddamn face. My lungs were on fire, my voice like sharp glass, “That’s not my fucking name.”
Terror filled her eyes. “Oh God… I-I didn’t mean—”
My laugh was humorless. “But you did… you did mean it. I’m glad I found out now and didn’t waste another two years.”
Her hands trembled as she wiped under her eyes. Her cheeks were stained with tears, new ones pouring down over her pale skin. I didn’t recognize her. Stevie’s lips were swollen and they shook as she tried to explain, “Mark… I…” The fresh tears brimmed, trickled down her cheeks, and over her quivering lips as she choked back another sob, and something inside my chest splintered. The pain of it begged me to touch her, to hold her, to pull her into me. Bury my nose in her hair and take away the hurt that bled from her eyes. “I’m upset… I didn’t mean to call you that. I-I’m losing my mind.”
The muscle in my jaw was ready to snap as I stared at her, fighting myself, fighting what I saw, and what I thought I knew.
“Nothing happened, I swear to you.” Her promise rang shallow.
She was married the night I’d first met her, and she’d let me hold her face like he had in that goddamn office.
“It almost happened,” I corrected.
“No,” she answered quickly and shook her head. “I wouldn’t have—”
I stepped closer, torturing myself with her scent. “He was touching you.” My tone simmered. “You let him fucking touch you.”
“It’s not like that—”
“Isn’t it, though?” I ran a rough hand through my hair.
“He caught me off guard, you walked in and nothing was going to happen. I was about to push him away, tell him I didn’t care about him anymore. I told him he needed to move on, Mark, and he made a desperate move.” Her voice broke on the last word and the strangled sound of it dulled my anger.
“You still care about him.” I laid my fear at her feet.
Her eyes glittered as she sucked down a breath. “I don’t love Ben. I don’t want Ben. I want you, us. It was a mistake to let him get that close, but I promise you, I was one second away from leaving.”
Trust and truth were a luxury I’d lost when Mia screwed me over.
Stevie approached me with cautious eyes, moving slowly with her hands raised as if she was afraid I’d bolt like a feral animal. The heat of her palms soaked through my shirt as she rested them on my chest, and it wasn’t until her fingers curled into the fabric, that I realized how much I wanted to run. I wanted to believe her, hell, I wanted to rewind this day and show up a little earlier and put my knuckles through that asshole’s teeth. I wanted to believe the feelings I had for Stevie were real, that I hadn’t fallen in love with someone who’d only used me to send a message to her ex.
“Maybe it’s good I’ll be gone for a while.” I held her gaze, but kept my arms at my sides.
The weight of her fingers seeped into my skin, and I couldn’t decide whether her touch was a taunt or a gift.
“What does that mean?”
“It means I need to distance myself from this.”
“From me?” Her lashes gave way to the damp heat of her tears.
I was making her cry. I was letting her go. Two sentences I’d never thought I would have to process.
“When I’m home with you…” I swallowed and the gravel in my throat cut me. I allowed myself to raise my hand and push a piece of her hair behind her ears. The soft strands fell through my fingertips, enabling the vacancy in my chest to spread. “It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.”
“I’m right here, Mark.” Her whispered declaration did nothing to stave off the old ghosts of my insecurity.
I couldn’t face her, my eyes fixed into the distance. His hands had branded her cheeks and I needed time. “I can’t go into this road trip worried about you and… every road game has been a fucking battle since December. My game is inconsistent and I’m letting my team down. It’s my fault. My head was here with you, worrying about him, and how he was weeding his way back into your life.”
“You’re not listening.” She gripped my shirt tighter. “Look at me.” My jaw pulsed as our eyes met. “It’s done, Mark. He’s leaving.”
“When?”
“This weekend.” She pressed her palms flat on my chest and I hoped she could feel how hard my heart was punching against my sternum, how much this was killing me. “I care about Ben, but not like you think. He’s a part of who I am in a lot of ways, but I don’t love him, I—”
“You have to give me time.” I couldn’t talk about it anymore. She cared about him, and maybe she needed time to sort through that shit, because I sure as hell did. I was over Mia, I’d been ready to give all I had to Stevie. I’d brought her home to my family, I’d opened up again, and, in one swift knee to the groin, she took it all away. She could deny it all she wanted, but Ben was rooted in her heart and I wasn’t going to be the idiot who got blindsided again. I took a deep breath and stepped away from the hold she had on me.
“Don’t leave like this,” she begged and the sound of it made the keys in my hand feel like knives.
“I’ll be back in ten days.”
She swallowed deeply, her gaze finding mine, and the hurt I’d seen seconds ago paled. Hope colored her amber irises. “If time is what you need, take it, and then come back to me.”
It hurt to fucking breathe and it was almost impossible to take the steps I needed to reach my SUV. Come back to me. It was all I wanted, and everything I was afraid of. Mia’s betrayal had been a paper cut, but losing Stevie to Ben, to any man, I don’t think I’d survive it. Maybe letting go, before it was too late, could save us both. Standing two strides away, she was so close. The distance singed my fingertips as I took in her cheeks and wet lips. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want my anger to blind me, my past to push me into something I couldn’t take back. These ten days would either be a curse or a blessing.
Throwing down a white flag, I asked, “You got Atlas?”
“Of course.” She opened her mouth as if to say more, but pressed her teeth into her bottom lip.
The awkward silence only fueled my need to put miles between me and what happened today, and as I reached for the door, I repeated the last thing I’d said to her the night we’d met, “Take care of yourself, Stevie.”
But unlike the first night, when I pulled away, there was no regret in her eyes, only tears, and I couldn’t help but wonder, if like last time, she’d end up going home to Ben.
We’d lost the first three of the five games we were slated to play on our road trip. The chemistry between me and Bryson was off and it had begun to spread through the lines like a fucking disease. The guys had been out for blood in the locker room before we’d even hit the ice. Our defense had hit harder, pulled more penalty minutes than we had all season. Even Bryson sat in the sin bin for a total of six minutes. We’d wanted to win badly enough we were willing to break bones for it. Instead of smart play, we used brute strength and all that had done was serve us up an overtime loss.
There was dissension brewing as my teammates stewed over the cause of our losing streak. I could feel the blame all the way in the back of the plane as we took off. Usually, I sat somewhere in the middle with Bryson, but this trip I’d banished myself to the tail, making friends with the chip on my shoulder. I’d played like shit in all three games, and Coach threatened to scratch me if I didn’t show improvement in the next practice. I’d never been scratched without an injury, never been benched for having my head up my ass. I’d hoped the space I’d put between me and Stevie would be enough to keep me in the right mindset, keep me in the game, but the distance only made the truth harder to find and made it easier to hold onto the anger.
“When the hell are you gonna turn on your phone,” Bryson balked before he roughly fell into the seat next to mine.
My lack of an answer earned me a hard punch to the shoulder. “The fuck, dude.”
“You should call her.”
“You should mind your own goddamn business.” I turned away from his accusing glare and stared at the blue leather seat in front of me.
“This team is my goddamn business and you’re sinking our fucking ship, man.”
The ache in my jaw extended to my temples as I clenched my teeth.
“It starts with one, and we all feel it… you’re not here. You don’t have this shit handled, and you’re gonna get yourself benched for the trip. Is that what you want?”
“Fuck no,” I grit from behind clenched teeth.
“Then call her, work this shit out. Get her out of your head and get back on the ice.” He knocked his knuckles on the top of my head. “You hearing me?”
I pushed his hand away. “Do you want me to beat your ass?”
“Hey, if it will help…” His smirk almost made me smile. “She didn’t actually kiss him, right?” he asked, lowering his voice.
“No, man, she didn’t.”
“But you don’t trust her?”
I’d been over this with him already. I’d told him everything.
“I don’t know, I can’t tell how much of this is about Mia, or about what I saw with her and Ben.”
“You want my opinion?”
“Not really.”
He grabbed my bottle of water and took a swig from it before he said, “Too bad.” He kicked my carry-on bag with his foot. “I think this is about Mia. From what you told me, that dick Ben threw down the gauntlet and you walked in at the wrong time. I believe her, I’ve seen how she looks at you, all starry-eyed and shit. She’s ready, Melo, she loves you.”
I huffed out an incredulous laugh. “You’re talking out of your ass.”
“And I thought I was the idiot. Ask me why I sent that Reagan chick packing?” I ignored him, my hand balling into a fist at my side. “Because girls like Stevie and Reagan, they’re forever, bro, and I’m not about that life right now. Stevie fucking lives for you and you’re going to let Mia destroy that, you’re going to let her fuck you over again.”
Guilt washed down my spine, weakening the foundation of my anger, fracturing its base as I exhaled the last six days into the cabin air.
Bryson stood. “Get yourself handled… show up and fucking play.”
I didn’t miss his point. The seeds of doubt were slowly dying. Stevie wasn’t the problem… I was. I never wanted to feel like I had when I walked in on her and Ben ever again. I had to decide if forever was worth the risk.
“And call your damn sister, she’s been blowing up my phone since you turned yours off.”
Bryson’s large frame squeezed down the narrow aisle, smacking heads as he went, stirring the nest and laughing the whole way to his seat. I’d never seen him torn up over a chick, maybe “not being about that life” was the better way to be.
The flight to Raleigh wasn’t long, but it was after midnight by the time my ass hit the mattress in my hotel room. I was mentally and physically exhausted. All I cared about at this point was sleep, but as I dug through my bag, looking for my sweats, I spotted my phone. My pulse quickened as I thought about turning it on. Had she called? Could I handle hearing her voice? I stared at my cell deciding to stick to my vow of silence. I was about to hit the bathroom when the phone on the bedside table rang. I figured it was Bryson, and when I said hello, I didn’t expect to hear my sister’s voice.
“What the hell is going on?”
I chuckled. “Hi.”
“Mark, we always talk when you lose.”
“I don’t deserve your pick-me-ups.” I dropped unceremoniously onto the bed.
“Why is your phone off? Is it broken?”
“I turned it off.”
“O-kay.” She drew out the word.
I let out a harsh sigh. “Shit’s a little messed up right now, big sis.”
“I gathered… want to talk about it?”
“Nope.”
“I was about to call Stevie to see if you were alive.”
Silence.
“Ahh.”
“What?” I clipped.
“Did something happen?”
My sister was a bloodhound.
“We’re working through something…” I ran the palm of my hand down my face. “I… I don’t know if I’m ready, and—”
“You’re scared?” she asked. Her voice was gentle and warm like always, and I was homesick and alone.
“Yeah... I love her, and it scares me how much I could lose when things go wrong.”
I could hear the sound of her sheets rustling through the phone, and when she spoke again, her voice was clear as if she’d sat up to say what she had to say.
“I got to see a side of my brother this Christmas I never knew existed. She makes you shine. She amplifies everything that is good about you, and seeing you as happy as you were, God, Mark, you guys lit the whole damn house.”
My nostrils flared as I tried to breathe back the burn in my eyes, and with a thick voice I said, “That’s what I’m afraid of, Mol. Look how far I’ll have to fall, there are some heights you can’t come back from.”
“You’re stronger than that. You told me you’d give up your career with the NHL for someone you loved… That Mark, he’d dive off the cliff, every single time.”
That Mark was a glutton for punishment.
“I’m working it out.”
She hummed. “Seems like it, how many minutes were you in the box tonight.”
I laughed. “Don’t worry, Coach and Bryson are on my ass. I’ll be in top form in twenty-four hours.”
“I hope so, otherwise, you’re gonna get yourself hurt.” Seconds ticked by. “You going to be okay?”
“Yeah, I got this.”
I tried not to let her anxious goodbye rattle me. I set the phone on its receiver and fell back onto the pillow. Still wearing my dress shirt and slacks, I let the fatigue of the last few days flood me. My sister’s advice twisted and snarled inside my stomach as I closed my eyes, hoping, when I opened them again, I’d feel like less of a coward.