Spinning.
It was the only word that came to mind as I watched Mark walk out of the bar. My body was a puddle, my cheeks burning, my knees were actually weak. There was about a pound of cotton in my head. I hadn’t been back in the city for more than four days, and I’d run into the one man I hadn’t stopped thinking about since last year. I had to pull myself together before I went back to the table. I took a few deep breaths and lifted the hair off my neck, letting the cool air kiss my skin. A shiver had goose bumps rising across the surface of my neck and arms as I remembered what it felt like to have him touch me, to have Mark’s hand on my cheek. His touch was a breath and I needed to inhale it. It was the argument happening a few feet away at another table, college guys adamantly debating how Tampa’s loss could’ve been worse if it hadn’t been for Carmelo’s goal that brought everything back into perspective. He was a professional athlete. A hockey player. What planet was I on?
Over the last year, Mark, and our almost affair, had never left the recesses of my mind. I’d realized so much about myself that night. Mostly, that I was done being married to Ben. I’d fallen out of love with him, and I hadn’t been able to hide from myself anymore. I’d wanted Mark’s mouth on me, his hands in my hair. I wanted more. I’d wanted to say yes when he asked me to come up to his apartment. That desire, if I had been a truly happily married woman, would have never surfaced like it had. I’d been engulfed in a dangerous flame. If my marriage had been solid, I would’ve never dreamed of even saying more than hello. Mark’s imprint never faded and that was the most telling thing of all. My moment of clarity. I told Ben I wanted a divorce the minute I’d walked through the doors after my trip.
One month later, I’d moved out of our house and into a small one-bedroom apartment. It was weird being on my own. I’d become a single dish cookbook. A shopping for one grocery list. There were times when I had to remind myself not to buy his favorite deodorant, or that chocolate almond milk he liked. It was lonely, and we’d already been separated for a few months when Ben had finally decided he might want to fight for me. I had to remind myself it was too little, too late. Ben had been my best friend for so long, but he’d turned into a roommate with benefits, and after a while, a silent partner. Ben thought he could pick and choose when he wanted to “need me” but I had already moved on.
I ordered a glass of wine from the bartender and closed out my tab before I made my way back to the table. The guys were all smiling and laughing as I approached.
“What did I miss?” I asked as I slipped onto my chair.
Trenton’s grin was infectious. “I was just telling Ben about this morning.”
My face heated all over again. “Oh my God, that was so embarrassing.”
“How did you not know Trent was gay?” Ben asked through a laugh and it kind of irritated me.
How would I have known? Ben’s friends were his friends. I couldn’t blame Ben completely. It had been my choice to blend too seamlessly into his side of our “us.” I’d depended on him and he liked it, and to my recent chagrin, I’d needed to depend on him one last time. At least for a little while. Our relationship had become very precarious. Almost parasitic. Without his recommendations, I would basically look like a glorified secretary. The firm he owned with his friend in Richmond was just that, his firm. I hardly ever had the opportunity to take on accounts, falling more into an assistant role. Trent, another connection he’d made in college, was nice enough to hire me on Ben’s recommendation. In charge of the smaller accounts until I could build a better resume, until I could prove myself, I was stuck. I was smart, had my degree, and I knew what I was doing, but on paper, I looked like a new grad. Ben was being the good guy that he always was by asking his friend to help me. Most men would’ve signed the divorce papers and said, “see ya.”
“I just met him. It was a little bit of a shock. I’d have been the same way if he was making out with a woman in his office. I’m not used to interoffice shenanigans.” I meant it to be playful, but Ben’s smile fell enough that I noticed.
I’d always teased him about having sex at the office. Totally unprofessional. His words, not mine.
“My boyfriend thinks you’re adorable.” Trent raised his glass and I did, as well. Leaving Ben’s mood change behind. “Welcome to Byron & Elm.”
There was a small chorus of cheers and I smiled. They may be Ben’s friends, but they were making me theirs, guiding me to the ledge of freedom, and I was so ready to jump.
“I can’t believe you know Mark Carmelo,” Alec said, bringing my mind right to where it shouldn’t. Sitting this close to Ben, he’d read me like an open book if he hadn’t already. It didn’t matter. We were divorced. But I never wanted to hurt him.
“I wouldn’t say I—”
“I guess the gay rumors were false?” Trent raised his eyebrows.
“I wouldn’t know.” I sipped from my glass a little too deeply and his keen eyes assessed me. I cleared my throat. “There were gay rumors?”
“He had a terrible break-up a few years ago. One of his teammates was banging his girl. Media spun it like she was a prop to cover that he was gay. Hasn’t been spotted with a chick in a while, I guess.” Alec’s depiction sounded like a tabloid article.
I rolled my eyes. “Why do they even care?”
Alec’s laugh was incredulous. “Because most of those guys are fucking a new chick every night. He’s either really good at keeping things private or…”
“Or he’s gay?” I snorted, trying my best to ignore the “new chick every night” statement. “Has he been spotted with a man?” That shut him up. “I didn’t think so. Maybe he’s not a man whore. Gay or not.”
“He used to be, that’s for sure. When he first got drafted.”
Trent shoved Alec’s shoulder. “For someone who isn’t a huge fan, you sure do know a lot about him.”
“I was trying to play it cool, man. He’s one of the top fucking centers in the league.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
Top center. I had no idea what that meant, but it sounded important. And now I wanted to throw up. I liked it better when he was just Mark and I’d almost kissed him. Now he was real, and had my number, and he was famous. My heart was doing this weird fish-out-of-water flop. The swarm stirring in my belly remembered what he smelled like, clean and masculine, and took flight. I’d been off the market for too long. What were the rules? When would he call? I was lost in my internal meltdown when I heard my name.
“W-what?” I asked a little breathless. A little in lust with a certain tall, sexy, inked, hockey player.
“I said, I can’t believe your friend turned him down.” Alec finished his beer and set it on the table, pulling his wallet from his pocket.
“She didn’t know him, and she was with Pete at the time, her boyfriend.” It was a white-lie I told myself. I kept the shame I felt for that night on a tight leash. What had happened wasn’t right, but I tried to remember I hadn’t given in.
“Well, he had his eye on you tonight, that’s for damn sure.”
“I’m sitting right here, Trent.” Ben’s voice was cold and Trent frowned.
“Sorry, I didn’t think. My mouth has a mind of its own sometimes.”
The atmosphere at the table burned to ash at the edges. Ben’s eyes found mine, and my guilt had screws burrowing into my sternum.
I don’t belong to you, Ben.
The words were a whispered plea skating on the tip of my tongue. But I swallowed them down. “We should get going. It’s really late.”
Trent and Alec were already standing, settling their checks, and I left my glass of wine half-full on the table, standing as well.
“See you in the office tomorrow.” Trent wrapped me neatly into a side hug.
“Tell David I’m glad he thinks I’m adorable,” I said as I pulled away. To my surprise, my very good-looking boss blushed. He was shorter than most guys, just an inch or two taller than me, but traditionally handsome with blond hair and blue eyes.
“Much more professional tomorrow. I promise.”
I laughed. “I think it’s great. Don’t stop kissing your secretary on my account.”
Alec shook my hand with a promise to show me the ropes. He was a junior accountant, still making his way, but he’d been assigned to help me adjust. “It’s good to have you on board, Stevie.” He smiled at me, letting those piercing green eyes of his scan my body from head to toe like he had this morning.
Those eyes and his sharp features probably won him favor with the ladies for most of his life. Too bad he was arrogant as hell.
“Did you want me to drop you at your place?” Ben asked as he pulled his rental car keys from his pocket.
His light eyes were glazed and the flush in his cheeks told me he drank more than he’d intended, but he’d never be too drunk to drive. He was too controlled to ever risk it.
“You don’t have to do that…I can call for a ride.”
“I want to.” He raised his hand and I stopped breathing as he placed a stray piece of my hair behind my ear.
“Your hotel is by the airport, Ben. It’s out of the—”
“Let me take you home, Stevie.”
“No.”
He let out an exasperated breath. “Why? You meeting that guy?”
I laughed without humor. “That’s not your business.”
“I hate that.”
“Hate what?” I couldn’t hold back my frustration. Where was jealous Ben a year ago? Two years ago, three years ago, for that matter.
“That it’s not my business anymore.” His jaw flexed and tears seared the corners of my eyes.
“A little over a year ago, we sat on that tiny couch in the therapist’s office and I told you I was drowning. You didn’t care then and you don’t care now. I love you, Ben. You’re one of my best friends, but we stopped being in love a long time ago and you know it.”
I took a step back, relieving myself of his familiar scent, his heat. We were each other’s comfort food. The ice cream that was really bad for you, and you only needed as a crutch to get over whatever life was throwing at you.
“I should’ve been a better husband.”
I gave him a small smile and a teasing push to the shoulder. “Remember that. Treat her right, Ben. When you find her, treat her as if you can’t breathe without her.”
“You were always such a romantic.”
And you weren’t.
“I know, I’m hopeless,” I admitted and his smile reached his eyes.
“You sure you don’t want to ride with me?”
“Go. I’ll be fine.”
Ben took a half-step toward me and hesitated as if he thought better of it. His throat bobbed and he rubbed the back of his neck. “Bye, Stevie.”
I gave him a small smile, the embers of anticipation lighting my skin, as I watched my past walk away through the same bar door that my future had left only moments before.
Never Google search the hot guy who asked for your number, before nine in the morning. I was knee deep in Mark Carmelo and I’d only had one cup of coffee. It was all Alec’s fault really. He’d fed me all that intel last night and I got curious. Curious was harmless, right? A quick little search and I’d be fine. Forty-five minutes later, and I was well-versed in Mark’s stats, how much he made each year, which by the way, made me nauseous, to what underwear he preferred. And I might’ve watched a few video interviews where he avoided topics about a girl named Mia, and his less-than-stellar behavior when he was a rookie. I never intended to snoop, and now I was wide-eyed, staring at my computer screen feeling awful, like I’d invaded his privacy.
“Stevie?” Alec’s voice had me shutting my laptop faster than I could say stalker.
“Good morning,” I said, hoping my tone was more casual and less hand caught in the Carmelo cookie jar.
“Hey, pull up that file I sent you yesterday and meet Trent and me in the conference room.”
“Bruin Brothers Construction?”
“That’s the one. Small contractor, but a great account for you to start with.” His eyes fell to my laptop. “You ready to roll?”
“Sure, let me grab everything. I’ll be there in five.”
“Want me to have David get you a coffee?”
Maybe I liked Alec more than I thought I did. “Yes, thank you.”
He left without a nod, and I locked my desktop and grabbed the paperwork I’d printed out earlier. I stood and smoothed my hands down the front of my pencil skirt. This was it. My first account. I could do this. Excitement bubbled in my chest and I couldn’t contain my smile. I straightened the hem of my blouse making sure I was presentable. I was readying to leave when my phone vibrated against the desk.
Mark: How’s your morning?
Slowly, I sank back into my chair, a giddy smile creeping across my face.
ME: At work, only one cup of coffee. It’s ugly. You?
Mark: About to skate. Are you sitting at your desk?
I let out a quiet laugh at his odd question.
ME: About to go into a meeting.
Mark: Please tell me you’re wearing those sexy-as-fuck glasses you had on last night.
My cheeks flushed with heat. At the compliment. At the word fuck. My fingers lightly touched the rims of my glasses and I bit my lip.
ME: It’s a possibility.
Mark: Hair up or down?
My eyes darted to the open door of my office. I was sure my face was red. My hand shook as I typed the next message.
ME: Up
Mark: Jesus Christ, I’m going to skate for shit today.
My laugh sounded more like a giggle, and I lost my grown woman card for the day.
ME: Why?
Mark: Because I’m going to be picturing you behind that desk, looking like a sexy fucking librarian, and I’ll be VERY distracted.
A pool of warmth poured over my body.
ME: I hear you have a pretty good shooting percentage, best in the league, I’m sure you’ll be fine.
After I hit send I regretted it immediately. He hadn’t told me who he was at first for a reason and I just quoted the Internet like a fangirl.
David walked by the door with a tray of Starbucks and I stood. “Better hurry, Mama, don’t be late. Trent gets cranky.”
Anxiety had me scrambling to make sure I had everything, but thirty seconds later my phone vibrated again, and I couldn’t contain the smile on my face.
Mark: Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet. ;)
ME: So you didn’t streak through the parking lot of your alma mater when you won your first playoff game as a freshman?
His response this time was immediate.
Mark: Oh, hell yes, that’s totally true. One of my best nights.
My smile was borderline star struck.
ME: I’d pay good money for that footage.
Mark: Good luck with that.
I exhaled a nervous laugh, grabbed the things I needed for my meeting, and headed down the hall. Trent and Alec were talking and setting up their own computers… luckily, the client hadn’t arrived.
“Sorry, had to get everything organized,” I stammered, thinking about how my face was most likely blotched with red.
“No problem. Have a seat, we’ll get started as soon as they get here.” Trent nodded to where David had set a huge cup of coffee next to Alec’s computer.
David was officially my favorite person in Tampa. Well, almost.
I opened my computer, setting the paperwork to the side for Alec to go over. Once I was in my seat, I chanced a peek at my phone and had a text waiting.
Mark: I fly out tomorrow, and should be back pretty late next Thursday night. That Friday still work for you?
My colleagues were busy in their own conversation so I risked sending him an answer.
ME: Friday works.
Mark: I’ll text you when I get in Thursday if it’s not too late.
ME: Sounds good.
The memory of his skin, the heat of it on my cheek, had my heart pounding in my chest. There were so many things I should’ve been worrying about. For one, I’d bought a house. I was starting over, and wasn’t it weird that I was seven years older than him? He was a young, crazy-talented athlete with a schedule that made me tired just thinking about it. How was this going to work? Should it even matter at this point?
Mark: Gotta skate. Thanks again for the mental image.
I had to stifle my laugh.
ME: Any time.
Mark: Hope so. Talk soon.
This little exchange of words had me tripping over the beat of my own heart. Messy and hot. I closed my eyes for only a second and I could picture his smile. It made my belly feel full and whole. “Talk soon.” God I hated how much I really needed that to happen. I was humming from the inside out.
“You ready to get started, Stevie?” Trent’s question opened my eyes.
“Sure,” I replied.
In more ways than one.