Skylar

Colton and I sleep nose to nose, arms wrapped around each other, and his leg between mine. It’s like we need to be as close as possible to know that we’re not going to have to part in the morning and never see each other again. Being in Boulder is tinged with memories of loss for both of us, and what we have is even more heightened.

Tonight, Colton sounded like he was about to ask me for a commitment of some kind. And I want to want that.

Part of me is ready.

And part of me feels like I’m diving in with my heart but not playing it smart. I trust Colton, but I’m new to the world of relationships with men. I have no experience with anything past a couple of nights of sex with the same man, and I don’t want to rush things.

My mother fell hard and fast for my father. He was persuasive and attentive, bordering on obsessive. She missed his addictive traits, though. And she always says she led with her heart and not her brain. It was a warning I embedded in my mind, and a mistake I vowed not to repeat.

My father shows up in my dreams tonight, but the dream is mild enough that I wake myself up before I start thrashing around or screaming. I slip out of Colton’s arms and go sit by the window in the living area until the sun rises.

By the time Colton wakes up, I’ve already taken Karma out and fed her and River. I tell him the dog woke me, and he seems to accept that.

We go on a morning hike, and then stop at a café for burgers. We each get a local craft beer and enjoy the beautiful weather and crisp mountain air. After a long drive around the area, we stop for ice-cream at a scenic overlook, where Colton insists on taking about a hundred pictures of me posing in front of the mountain backdrop.

“You’re worse than Ted,” I tease him. “Are you sure you didn’t secretly want to be a photo journalist?”

“Only if I could take pictures of just you,” he says as he kisses me.

That night, we stay in and make love for hours. Colton’s adventurous in the bedroom, and he has me trying plenty of new things, positions that would have made me blush with anyone else. But with him, I feel safe, and like I can just be myself.

After we’ve exhausted ourselves, and are tangled up together all sweaty and naked, Colton pulls me into his chest. “Best. Sex. In History.”

I laugh. “I agree.”

“It’s just a fact,” he mumbles into my hair. “I could fuck you for days at a time and never run out of things I want to do with you. And to you.”

I trace circles on his bare skin with my finger. “Colt?”

“Yeah?”

Stop holding back.

I kiss his nipple. “I’m glad I re-met you.”

---

We check out the next morning, and start the drive back to L.A. We crash at a motel about halfway through the trip.

While we’re eating dinner in our room, my mom calls me.

As I answer, Colton takes Karma for a walk to give me privacy.

My mother asks me how I’m doing. I don’t tell her I’m away with Colton, since I haven’t even mentioned his existence yet. Instead, I talk about how I’ve taken the week to unwind and enjoy myself.

She sounds happy for me, but I can tell she’s not herself.

“How are you, Mom?” I ask her. “No news, right?”

“No, none yet. But I’m good. Very good.”

I can tell by her quick reply that she’s more nervous than she’s let on previously. My mother’s been on anti-anxiety pills for years, but she’d come off them a while ago with no side effects.

“Are you feeling anxious?” I ask her.

“Maybe a bit more than usual,” she admits. “I’ll be okay.”

“Maybe you should talk to your doctor about another prescription for the anxiety,” I say. “Just until this situation with you know—my father—is resolved.”

But my mother’s in a rambling mood, and she doesn’t respond to my suggestion. “Once he told me he loved me, I lost myself.”

My stomach tightens with fear, and with something else. I squeeze the phone tightly.

“I remember you telling me that before,” I say. “And the controlling way he would say ‘I love you,’ it was just…awful.”

“I couldn’t hear myself after that,” Mom says. “It was like he used those words to destroy me, to get me to give him everything. He owned me after that. For years he owned me.”

My mouth has gone completely dry, but I force out an “I’m sorry, Mom.”

“He was always so slick. So disingenuous.”

I give a short laugh. “See, this is why I vowed to stay single.”

“I know honey. I don’t want that for you, though.”

And yet her example is far more powerful than her placating words of support.

By the time we hang up, my hands are ice cold.

And that night, my nightmare is bad, so bad that I do the unthinkable: I kick Colton.

“Honey. Sky…”

I try to open my eyes, but they’re so heavy.

My father…where is he? He was just here, so I kicked him off of me…

“Skylar.” I hear Colton’s voice. “It’s me. You’re safe.”

I open my eyes finally, and Colton’s face comes into focus.

His blue eyes, so blue and beautiful, yet filled with worry.

His normally-happy mouth, turned down in a frown.

All because of me, and what I did.

“Shit. I kicked you, didn’t I?” My foot is sore the way it always is when I lash out in my nightmares.

“Shh. It’s okay.” He strokes my hair gently.

“It’s not okay at all. Did I hurt you?” I turn on the light next to me.

“No.” He kisses my bare shoulder. “I swear. I’m fine.”

“Where did I kick you? I remember making contact in the dream…”

“You got my shin, and your knee went into my thigh. But look”—he shows me his leg—“not even any redness. It won’t even bruise.”

“But it could have. And if it were during the season, it could affect your game. You could be compromised.”

“Sky. I’m fine. Okay?” Colton’s expression shifts from worry to determination, like he’s not possibly going to let me pull away from him over this.

I nod, and we go back to sleep. But the awful feeling of knowing I could have hurt Colton haunts me, and puts a chink in my confidence in us. I already had a chink of doubt after my conversation with my mom, but this…this was all me. I physically broke the boundary of trust between Colton and me, all on my own.

A little voice pops into my head, the one that says I’m not good for anyone, especially not a man like Colton.

I could drag him down. I could ruin him. End his career with one errant kick or punch in the night.

And I care about him too much to do that.

---

Our drive home the next day is easy, until we hit the usual L.A. mess. City traffic is so bad that Colton suggests I stay at his house until the next day rather than trying to drive home.

As soon as we walk inside Colton’s house, I unpack Karma and River. My mouth feels gross after eating convenience store snacks on the trip back, so I bring my bathroom bag into the guest room and brush my teeth. I spend an extra few minutes fixing my hair, and trying to brush out all the snarls. Having sex every night has changed me: my cheeks are flushed a healthy pink, and my body feels sore and relaxed. My hair, on the other hand, is a disaster: I’ve been trying to fix it up in the mornings, but it literally looks like Colton’s hands have been tangled up in it for days.

Just thinking about Colton’s hands on me makes me want him again, like right now.

I leave the guest suite, and find Colton in his bedroom. He’s unpacking, and he looks up at me as I walk closer. I sit down on his bed, waiting for him to join me.

I’ve been quiet all day, but if Colton has any worries about us, maybe they’re quelled with the way I attack him as soon as we get within reach of each other.

His arms go around my waist, and he kisses me like he hasn’t touched me in weeks.

“Sky.” He fumbles with the comforter, trying to pull it back so we can get underneath it. “I missed you today. We always talk, but today…”

“I know. I’m sorry.” I manage to climb under the comforter while dragging my shorts down my hips.

I may be shutting down emotionally, but my body is absolutely on fire for Colton. I want him inside me, and he’s more than happy to oblige.

We both reach release at the same time, and in that moment, I nearly cry.

I will never feel this good again.

No one has ever cared about me the way Colton does.

How can I make this work, when I have the potential to hurt him?

“I literally can’t think of anything better in life than being like this with you,” he says, his mouth fused to mine.

He’s still inside me, and I have no desire to separate from him.

“Me either.”

Colton shifts his head a fraction of an inch, so he’s looking directly into my eyes. I feel like I can see my future in his intense blue gaze. I feel all my walls threatening to slip away for good.

Colton’s hand cups my jaw. “Are you nervous?” he asks me softly.

“No,” I say too quickly. “I’m…not.”

He continues to assess me quietly, and a moment of silence hits the room. All I can hear is my heartbeat and Colton’s, almost like they’re having an unspoken conversation. And I tense. I don’t know why, but I do.

“What would you say if I said I love you?” His tone is low, but the words are unmistakable. “Would that make you nervous?”

No. No, no, no. Not those words. I gasp and immediately go to climb off the bed. To escape. Colton tries to stop me, but I throw on my clothes quickly and leave the room.

For me, coming from my family, those three words don’t mean what they would to a normal person. They can’t. Yes, my conversation with my mother is haunting me: her affirmation that my father’s declaration of love was a manipulation rather than a genuine sentiment. But my own pain goes far deeper than that.

In my family, with the man I called father, what followed those three words were usually hits and slaps and pain. I love you and that’s why I’m doing this, Sky. I love you and that’s why I have to punish you, or your mother, this way. I love you and so I’m going to rip your heart right out of your chest and take away your innocence and trust in humanity forever, so that you can never again be a normal girl who simply wants to love and be loved by a boy.

“Sky!” Colton’s at my back as I hustle Karma onto her leash and somehow manage to miraculously coax River into her carrier. “Sky, stop!”

I barely turn to acknowledge his naked body as I race into the laundry room to grab the litter box and food dishes. By the time I return to the living room, Colton’s pulled on a pair of sweatpants. He stands in front of me, bare-chested and breathing hard, his eyes begging me to stay.

“Sky. I’m in love with you. You took my heart years ago, and when we reconnected, I gave it to you all over again. Please don’t leave.”

God, he really is beautiful. Inside and out. And I’m about to break his heart. Again.

“I’m sorry.” My voice cracks, despite my best efforts to sound neutral. “Please don’t push me right now, Colton. I just need…some space.”

“What happened?” His hard gaze meets mine, even as I try to look away. “Why are you really running this time? Tell me the truth, Sky.”

I could maybe break down and tell him about my issues with love, but I can’t tell him I’m scared I’ll hurt him. Because he’ll try to talk me out of it. He believes I’m a good person, and that I can’t hurt him. The problem is, I already have. And I could do it again.

“Can you help me bring this stuff to the car?” I say rather than answer him. “Please.”

The light dims in his eyes, and my heart sinks as I watch it happen. He’s giving up on me. Just like I wanted him to, but it doesn’t take away the sting. He picks up the litter box and the cat carrier, and heads for the front door. I swallow down the urging to open my mouth and tell him the truth, and instead, I follow after him with Karma.