Chapter 8
Waking up this morning, I felt like the emotion fairy had hit me right in the chest. Being with Maverick last night on our walk showed me to not judge a book by its cover. We both have this outer shell that was made by people in our lives. Then, after everyone went to bed, things changed to the physical side of whatever we have together. Fuck buddies, yes fuck buddies…that’s what we have. When he asked for me to give him a chance and let him be strong for me, I freaked the fuck out. No relationships equals no heartache and no pain.
I stay guarded because it protects me from all the pain that people can bring into my life. I’m so fuckin’ scared of what could happen. It hurt so much when my father left, until I found out what really happened. It’s like having your heart ripped out of your chest. Having a man up and leave when you thought he would always be there for you… Well, it completely left a hole in my world.
I never saw any signs of him being an alcoholic or even being abusive except in hindsight. After my father left, I would hear Momma crying at night. One night, I finally decided to go comfort Momma, and that is when I realized that I never wanted to feel that kind of heartache or pain in my life. That’s why I have protected myself with a strong wall and the rule that no emotions will be involved.
But now, there is this man in my life that is starting to break my walls and even makes me want to break my rules—but I can’t. I know Maverick has a gentle side but it’s easier to not have feelings for the asshole side. Ah, shit, now the tears appear. Damn emotions and shit. Shaking the thoughts from my head, I wipe the tears from my eyes and freshen up for breakfast.
Walking into the kitchen, I see everyone but Maverick. “Mornin’,” I say, wondering where he is.
“Morning, Cyd,” Momma says as she hands me a cup of coffee.
“Where’s Maverick?” Callie asks, looking at me with a smirk.
“I don’t know; I went to bed shortly after Cayden. I guess maybe he is still sleeping.” Because I sure don’t know where the hell he is after I ran out on him last night.
“He’s not here.” Zac looks at me meaningfully.
“What do you mean he’s not here? Where would he have gone?” I question anybody that could give me an answer. “Let me go see if I can find him.” I head to my room for my phone. Maverick left, he just left! I text him, but minutes go by with no reply. So I try to call him and it goes straight to voicemail. Why do we both have to be so complicated?
“Maverick, call me back. We should talk. Why did you leave?” I leave the message with the immediate afterthought of, That’s a stupid question Cyd, you crushed him with your reaction. Why did he have to go and ruin things with feelings...gah.
There’s knock on my bedroom door. “Come in.”
It’s Cayden, looking concerned. “Hey, Cyd. You alright?”
“Yeah, I’m good. Just trying to find Maverick so he can join us for breakfast.” I say it all with a smile on my face.
“I’m sure he is around somewhere. Maybe he went for a walk or something.” Reaching out, she rubs my shoulder. “He’ll be back. Come on back to breakfast.” Grabbing my arm, she pulls me up from my bed.
However, I think to myself, No, he is gone.
“Thanks, Cayden. Give me a couple more minutes and I will rejoin everyone for breakfast.” I try to call him one more time and it still goes to voicemail.
After breakfast, I head back to my room. “Cydney!” I hear Callie hollering for me.
“Yeah!”
“We are heading out for after Christmas shopping. Do you want to go?” Right; the guys are gonna love that trip. Dex should know by now not to go shopping with Callie.
“No, I’m good. I think I’m just gonna stay here and rest.” Oh my goodness, just lie some more, Cyd.
“Alright, we’ll be back later.” Yep, she has a plan to shop all day. Good luck, boys.
“Cool, have fun. Dex and Zac: be prepared or scared, whichever one you want,” I say, smiling as I hear the laughter from my sisters.
“Shut it, Cyd!” Callie and Cayden respond in unison. Damn, I love those two.
The house is quiet, so I decide to leave my room. Walking into the living room, I see Momma sitting on the couch reading. “Hey, Momma.”
“Hey, baby girl. What are you doing?” Closing her Kindle case, she pats the seat next to her for me to sit.
“Nothing. Just thinkin’ about goin’ for a walk or something,” I tell her.
“Want to talk?” I sit down beside her.
“Did Professor Bryant leave? You really like him, don’t you?”
“Yes and yes, but he will be back a little later.”
I’m glad Momma has found some happy in her life. “That’s good, Momma. I’m so happy for you.”
She looks at me with a big smile on her face, but I know she wants to say something. “Did you ever get hold of Maverick?” There it is: Momma’s intuition.
I quietly voice the outcome of my efforts. “No. I tried, but no return messages and calls just go to voicemail.”
“Baby girl, can I tell you something?”
“Momma, even if I said no it wouldn’t stop you.” Laughter and sarcasm is highlighted in my tone.
“I can see that things have changed for you and Maverick. Honey, we can’t control what the heart wants. It’s the damn brain that has to catch up. You’re afraid of getting hurt. Believe me, I understand that feeling. Maverick is a good man, though. I can tell just by the way he looks at you that he has changed over these last few months. You both needed to find that person that could make you whole.” She points at me. “You need to stop thinking and just feel.”
“But Momma, it’s scary. I don’t want to be hurt, nor do I want to feel any kind of pain from a man.” I look her in the eye.
“You know how that saying goes?” Momma asks. “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”
“Yeah,” I answer while shaking my head.
“It’s true, Cydney, but if you guard your heart so tightly you never love then you are missing out on the greatest gift a person can give you. Do you really want to spend your whole life scared? I don’t think you do, because if I know my daughter, she’s not scared of anything.”
“That’s not true, Momma; he terrifies me.”
“Cydney, love is messy. Not every man is like your father. There is someone for everyone. No, your father was not my prince. The best thing he did for me was give me you three girls. For that I will always be thankful. Not one relationship is all hearts and flowers. Decide what you’re gonna do, baby, because eventually a good man like Maverick will get snatched up by someone else.”
“Well, thank goodness for that.” I throw my hands in the air.
“Watch the sass, Cyd. What I’m trying to tell you is to take that leap. You will be caught. Cyd, let the wall break, feel your heart beat for someone else, and tell your brain to shut the fuck up.” Well, shit.
“Momma!” I exclaim.
“What? You think you’re the only one with a filthy mouth?”
“Haha! No, where do you think I learned it?” I get up from the couch. “Thank you, Momma. Love you.” Leaning down, I give her a kiss on the cheek.
“You’re welcome, Cyd. Love you too.”
I head back to my room. Momma made some good points and gave me even more to think about. What am I going to do with Maverick?
We all decided to stay here at Momma’s until after New Year’s, so I decided I would head to the grocery store to restock the house. It’s been days since Maverick left. He still isn’t answering my texts or phone calls. I wish he would stop being childish about this and just talk to me. Pulling up to the house, I see Zac sitting on the porch steps. He must have seen me, because after I parked he came over to help unload the groceries.
“Hey, Zac. What are you doing out here?” I’m curious as to what is going on in that head of his.
“Waiting on you, actually. Here, let me help you with those.” He grabs for the bags of groceries.
“Thank you for helping. Why are you waiting on me? Did you need somethin’ from the store?” I’ll admit, I’m concerned about what he has to say.
“Nah, I’m good; let’s get these inside and then we need to sit down and have a chat,” he says with an edge to his tone.
Damn, what the hell is up? I feel like I’m being called to the principal’s office or somethin’. We take the groceries inside and get them put away. Zac and I head back outside and sit on the porch swing.
“Alright, Zac, what’s on your mind? What is it that we need to talk about?” Turning in the porch swing, I look him in the eyes.
“Cydney, what are you doing with Mav? There has been a visible difference in the two of you. Everyone sees it except you.”
Ah, I see why we are talking. He is going to defend his boy. “Look, I can’t really tell you what Mav and I are doing anymore. We are friends now, I guess.” Ugh, emotions. “Zac, it’s complicated.” He has this look of disbelief on his face. “The ass grows on you for sure.” I let out a little chuckle.
“Stop with the bullshit, Cydney. You know exactly what’s going on.” Wait just a minute, where does he get off talking to me like this? “You’re so fuckin’ scared you can’t see straight.”
“Zac, what the hell do you know? You don’t know me or anything about me. How dare you talk to me the way you are right now?” My heart races.
“I know a lot more than what you think. I can see it; it’s all clear in this family. It started when I met Callie for the first time. I see the pain in her eyes, the healing that needs to happen, because I know how that pain feels, Cydney.” He looks down at the ground quickly.
Blowing out a breath, he looks back at me. “Look, Maverick is a good dude. He would do anything for any of those that are close to him. The ones that he considers family aren’t the ones with the same blood. His baseball team, his friends, and yes, believe it or not, Cydney, you and the other Fisher ladies are his family too. The ass act is the only thing that protects him from people that he doesn’t want to let into his world.” He points at me as he rises from the swing.
“Cydney, you need to get your head out of your ass and get on the same playing field. Because that man wants you for his. Hell, he hasn’t even mentioned or looked at another woman in a long time. That right there tells me Mav has met his match.” Walking away, he leaves me there with my mouth hanging open. Reaching the front door, Zac stops, taps the doorjamb twice, and turns around. “He let you in, Cyd, don’t forget that. You’re the one that has the power to crush him.” Then Zac walks through the door, leaving me to gather my thoughts on what just happened.
Shit, that went well. What did Zac mean that he knew the pain? Zac is a puzzle for sure. I bet Zac is a hopeless romantic with alpha tendencies. Cayden needs to jump on that. That has to be the most I have ever heard him speak at one time with no jokes laced in. Between him and Momma, they should open a therapy business.
Now, as far as Maverick goes, I reckon it’s time to find out what we have going on. Mission Find Maverick has begun.